Reasons to be Alive in 2009

I typically do not like New Year's resolutions... mostly because I have to listen to you lie about melting away those "holiday pounds" (i.e. -the 45 pounds of booze you have put on since H.S.). But take the gun out of your mouth. You will never get back into those jeans again, but I'm here for you and if I can believe it, I can achieve it so I am going to set a goal that I will accomplish and you can live vicariously through me. That should make you feel better about the fact that you haven't done anything with your life, right? However due to my potential, limiting myself to one goal would be like Michelangelo limiting himself to water colors. I will therefore list no less than 5 goals for 2009. I will not prioritize my goals as I don't want to hurt any of my goal's feelings. Like when you came in last in that relay race in third grade field day, but you still got a ribbon. Nice work. You participated... poorly.




Goal 1: Record at least 1 thunderous blocked shot playing pick up basketball

This is what I miss most about competitive basketball. Not dunks, not threes, not buzzer beaters, not steals... THUNDEROUS BLOCKS!

The first step in achieving this goal is to decide how I will define "thunderous blocked shot." I have decided the criteria for this will be the following:

1. The block will have to be on a lay-up - Blocked jump shots are nice. They can never be thunderous, however because the shooter will see it coming. The shooter will see me in front of him and will therefore, not be surprised when I treat his jump shot like Michael Vick treats pit bulls. Also I close out so not to get beat baseline. I'm not giving up my fundamentals for some silly resolution. But there is nothing better in the sport of basketball than the look on a man's face when the proverbial rug is pulled out from under his uncontested layup .

2. The ball must land out of bounds - If you can't block a shot with enough force to send it into the stands, you didn't swing momentum. If you didn't swing momentum, you might as well have let him score and kicked a puppy.

3. At least two people must shout "Ooooooohhhh!" when I block it. Don't kid yourself - It is only thunderous if your peers acknowledge it is thunderous. Kind of like when Lucas played pick-up and he would call a foul every time he didn't score. But as his peers - we never acknowledged they were fouls so he was basically cheating. To uphold the integrity of the game we gave him the ball back because that is what you do when someone calls a foul, but I like to think he had trouble sleeping at night knowing everyone else knew he just dribbled off his foot and no one touched him.


Why only 1 thunderous block, you ask? Let's just say much like Hugh Hefner, I'm not the player I used to be.


Goal 2: Totally confuse someone

I have not yet decided how I will do this. I do know I will have to do something to someone that would seemingly make perfect sense, but in reality would make no sense at all. I can't give away too many details but I think this will be some sort of prank/practical joke on someone I have never met before, but with whom I share a mutual friend. This will allow me access to personal details about said prankee's life, but the prankee will have no idea who I am.


This goal will take careful planning and precision, but if achieved - will be a monumental victory securing my place in the Awesome Person Hall of Fame. The art of purposely leaving someone completely and utterly baffled is a craft that I will perfect in 2009. I'm not saying I want to drive anyone to suicide, but at least make someone second guess their own sanity.


I also will never reveal the plot to my target. This will assure me that they will go to their grave wondering what in hades happened back in 2009.


Goal 3: I will learn how to type "Thanks" consistently

I am not in any danger of winning any typing contests, but I should at least be able to type the word "thanks." Like just then, I originally typed "thakns." I don't know why, but I end every email with some form of the word "thanks" that isn't actually "thanks." some common variations of the word are as follows:

Thnaks

Tahnks

Thasnk

Thansk

Tahkns

I breakout into a cold sweat when I get to the end of an email. I truly suck at typing anyway as I only use my index fingers. Now I know you are thinking something like, "That's funny. You can only type with two fingers." To which I would reply, "Two fingers was plenty for your mother." And then we would have a good laugh because I don't really have anything against your mother.


Anyway, I don't think there is any word I type more consistently wrong that the word "thanks." It is at the bottom of every email I send, yet I still mess it up at least 98% of the time. That is all I am going to say about this because it has taken me 30 minutes to write this goal. I have literally had to fix the word "thanks" every time I typed it.



Goal 4: Watch every movie ever made with the word "Zombie" in the title

I love low-budget cheesy horror movies. Mostly because there is no mistaking the movies intentions. There is no bigger waste of time than watching a terrible movie that was supposed to be good. Did anyone walk away from Atonement or Memoirs of a Geisha and say, "Now that is how you spend two and a half hours and $10. If you are like me you said, "Can we just pull my toenails out next time?"

In my experience, most movies that are supposed to be blockbusters suck. And most movies that are supposed to be funny are made by Judd Apatow and most movies that are supposed to make you think just make you think about why you watch movies.

Not cheesy horror movies though. They are exactly what they are supposed to be. Tons of unrealistic bloodshed, campy one liners, recognizable (but not famous) actors that are merely working for the paycheck - not to make a statement. And most importantly they are full of laughs. I don't care if it is intentional or not. Grizzly Man (the documentary - not the horror movie) was hilarious, but was supposed to merely tell the story of a guy that lived with bears... and was eventually eaten by a bear.

Zombie movies are probably the best example of the cheesy horror movie genre. What's not to like about a zombie movie? Unless you find yourself in one and you are black (that's not racist. click the link... it's just fact).


Goal 5: Bring back wiffle ball

Why did we ever stop playing wiffle ball? It's an exciting version of baseball, but you can throw the ball at the base runner. And you don't have to worry about the pitcher bouncing the ball like in kickball. It just makes sense that everyone start playing it again. When have I ever been wrong?

So there they are... my goals for 2009. You will, of course be updated on these as I accomplish these goals. You're welcome.