If you have ever been married you know without exception, at some point you have had to make sacrifices. Hopefully nothing too major, but you have probably given something up because... well to be honest when two people live in close proximity they will either murder each other or learn to compromise. Now by nature, I don't compromise well. For me compromising consists of watching "The Bachelorette" and pointing out to my wife every reason the show is fake and stupid as it happens. Lucky her.
I have been asked to make another compromise this week. That's right - the bachelorette is two hours of whining and complaining and now my wife is going to attempt to live with me "compromising" for 7 full days. Nevertheless, I do want to support her on her ideas that will ultimately benefit our overall well being. Now she recently stumbled upon a "cleansing diet." As I understand it the premise is this: consume tons of fiber and your body will rid itself of any impurities... through your ass.
After reading the diet I can say I see how this works. Eat nothing but fruit and vegetables for a week and your body will be flushed (so to speak). I agreed to do it and will record my findings in this blog for you... the reader. Then you can decide if this is something you want to shame your better half into trying. The basics are as follows:
Day one - Nothing but fruit and the diet soup (broth and vegetables).
Day two - Nothing but vegetables and the diet soup
Day three - Nothing but bananas and skim milk and the diet soup
Day four - I can't remember off the top of my head, but I'm sure it's going to suck
Day five - If I am still alive I will continue to deprive myself of anything good... or something like that
Day six - More self loathing and dreaming of fried food
Day seven - Threats of bitter divorce and bed rest
Those may not all be 100% accurate, but you get the idea. Anyway...
Day 1 - Monday August 31st:
- Breakfast this morning consisted of a "Smoothie." I put the word "smoothie" in quotation marks because the root word "smooth" is misleading. Due to dietary restrictions - my "smoothie" could not contain any dairy products (yogurt, milk, ect.) and therefore consisted of fruit, ice and water. Because it contained no dairy it was roughly the texture of driveway gravel except - you know... wet. I can't say that I'm still hungry so that is a plus, but let's not kid ourselves here - That smoothie could have used some hash browns.
- It's now 11 am. I can't tell if I'm actually hungry or if I just miss my usual lunch sandwich already. I guess I will find out in an hour when I eat my... fruit. 'Cus that's all I get, remember? Thanks for reminding me. No wonder people don't like you.
- Lunch time - You know what is on the menu. I am going to attempt to get full by eating stuff that is made up mostly of water. If I can pull this off, I may reward myself with a nice glass of water. I have to pee.
- Ok, I ate a bowl of fruit that is clearly larger than my stomach, but somehow I am not full. That begs the question, "Just how fast is this stuff digesting?" It is 12:30 now. I'm going to see how long it will be before I'm hungry again.
- 12:58 - Hungry again.
- It's about a half an hour before I leave from work. I managed to make it to lunch without any complications today. Since lunch I think I have eaten a piece of fruit every half hour. I'm not even exaggerating. I brought a comically over sized bag of mixed fruits into to work as a precaution in case I did get really hungry. I am down to one apple. I have peed approximately 75 times today. Tomorrow I am going to have to bring is a bed pan just to get some work done. Even as I type this I am thinking about the apple next to me. I have to save it for the ride home, though. Dinner tonight will consist of soup and if I'm still hungry - more fruit.
- Dinner was two bowls of soup. I am full, but I still feel like I should be eating. I'm going to sleep before I get hungry again. Here is to hoping I don't wet the bed. Tomorrow is all veggies.
