Now I know I can sometimes come across as obsessed with physical appearance (especially my own). I assume most people realize that I am satirical and merely acting conceited for the sake of a laugh that I inevitably don't get. But I did realize something today. A ground-breaking, Earth-shattering, life-changing realization that can only be described as... ground-breaking, Earth-shattering and life-changing. I was finally given undeniable proof that I am one of the 100 hottest people in the world! I can tell you are as excited as I am.
Now you may be asking yourself just how Nancy Pelosi (side note: spell check recommendations for Pelosi = Plosive, Pelvis, Peloponnese, Pelagic) doesn't have drool running down her chin. The answer? She has assistants that constantly wipe it off for her (because she is retarded, you see).
But you may be saying to yourself, "Dean, how do you know you are one of the hottest 100 people in the world? You haven't seen everyone in the world."
And you are correct. I have rarely left Tennessee. But that is why we have magazines. Maxim compiled a list of the 100 hottest people and I can only assume they did their due diligence prior to publishing such a list. So therefore I can also only assume they did, indeed find the hottest 100 people on the planet. But they must have skipped over my neighborhood. After reviewing, there is no way I'm not at least in the top 20.
So that is the purpose of this essay: To prove that I belong in discussions of the physically elite.
Exhibit A
What is this? This is a picture from the Maxim Hot 100 party... of a field mouse, something that farmers keep on their land to keep the grass from growing too high and Rocky's sidekick.
Now I don't know what number these monsters are, I am guessing somewhere towards 100 - but obviously they did not line up from 1-100 in the buffet line (shhhh... don't anger the one on the right).
Exhibit B
How in the hell does one even go about growing a transparent beard? It looks like he transplanted ass hair onto his face and bleached it. And when did Screeches girlfriend get the Dr Pepper commercials? I swear if I was the CEO of Coca-Cola and you told me about this picture I would snap your neck before you finished the sentence.
Exhibit C
Corn rows on a girl are inexcusable. The only way she would look worse is if you put her in a denim skirt with a belt around it. And maybe some close-toed shoes. And you know the old adage "you can't polish a turd"? This picture comes to mind. What is with all of the make-up? I haven't seen an attempt like this since... well since I let this fuzzy bear-looking thing eat after midnight.
Exhibit D
No. 17 - One spot ahead of Marissa Miller. Can a magazine understand me when I tell it to burn in Hell?
Exhibit E
Look... all personal feelings aside - gross
Exhibit F
Now I realize you may not think that is a bad choice for number 10 on a top 100 list of attractive people. I would not disagree until you consider that this is the same person when she does not have a photo shoot coming up.
Exhibit G (as in GROSS - Zing!)
Maybe I could see it if he wasn't in drag. Youknowwhatimsayin?
Exhibit H
You may be asking yourself who this gem is. This fine thing is your very own number 52
Oh like you didn't know?
Exhibit I
Now I won't disagree that canckles and cigarettes are a dynamite combo. I think it is pretty clear that Lily Allen is on her way to tape her exercise video - set to release when fat people come back in style.
Exhibit J
Hey, who is that beside Cameron Diaz? Is that... Mickey Rourke?
You get the idea. They are ugly. Like... not even the best looking people in your group of friends ugly. I think I have made my point. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I am flawless. Why just the other day I had a hangnail. And those things are gross.
So this is your call to action. Write Maxim magazine and demand they do more thorough research next year. We will not idly sit by and be lied to. If you want our vote we demand the truth! You will never become president by restating empty phrases in different ways over and over again... Wait. What were we talking about?
