I took your questions and posted them here because you deserve more than just a little Facebook post so here are your questions. Thanks to everyone that sent me questions. I'm going to stop typing the word, "questions" now.
What, in your professional opinion, should we accomplish or do before having kids?
This is sort of a tough one because kids are one of two things (the other being bowling) that if you explain what it's like to someone they will look at you like you you have a nipple growing out of your chin. And everything everyone tells you is probably completely true. It's tough to understand how you would actually enjoy being a parent on paper, and yet here we are. Having young kids absolutely changes your life, priorities and ability to go on a boat so that's something to consider, but in general people find a way to do the things they want in spite of the little snot machines. You can still go on vacations if you want to, you can still start a business and you can still read War and Peace ALLLLL despite having kids.
That being said understand that if you take an infant to the beach, when you change a dirty diaper it will turn your child's butt crack into a poop/sand cement mixer and your kid will probably just try to eat sand while you are constantly applying SPF 6000 so they don't get a sunburn. People also talk about being "financially stable" before having kids which is a nice notion, but the idea of job security is a myth these days so unless your last name is Vanderbilt, you will probably have to consider your spending habits at some point regardless of kids. People with no money raise kids all the time. I mean their kids probably end up in jail, but still. Kids won't keep you from doing anything, but they will absolutely keep it from being fun. So if you want to see wine country or eat a cobra in Thailand, it wouldn't hurt to do it before you have to play paper, rock, scissors with your spouse to see who is going to clean the puke out of the carseat. Life doesn't end when you have kids, but relaxation does.
If you could give one piece of advice, what would it be?
A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are made for so get out there and make it happen, amigo. No one is going to help you in the real word, but the good news is you probably don't need help. Just make it happen however you can - even if that means doing it for free for a while. You still have to pay bills, but money isn't hard to come by if you are motivated.
Think about this for a minute: Tyler Perry writes and acts in movies that make millions of dollars. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. This guy:
I know it's cliche, but a huge percentage of success is actually showing up, throwing on a wig, slapping on some lipstick, tucking back your... you get the point. That and not pissing your pants in front of potential investors.
So in summation, stay hydrated and avoid vague questions.
How can I defeat a 7-foot freak of nature in hand to hand combat?
Whooboy. I am going to assume you are asking about a man here so I will focus on that, but in case it's a 7 ft woman, just say something like, "It's fine. Why are we spending time discussing this?" Women HATE that.
If it's a man, the key is to focus on the weak spots. Groin, knees, ridiculous hair. Think about anything that is illegal in MMA and do that. Speed is probably also on your side so keep it moving. Head on a swivel so to speak. Kick the back of the knee and throw that blinding dust in his eye like that chinaman did to Jean Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport. He should pretty much be ready for your finishing moves at that point. If all else fails, curl up in the fetal position with your hands over your neck and blow a rape whistle.
For advice: I increasingly dislike a number of people I'm close to that I will unfortunately have to remain in contact with for the foreseeable future (family members, business partners, my secretary, etc). I get irritated by completely inoffensive things they say and do. Is this just a phase I'm going through or is part of getting older and grumpy? Should I begin replacing these people with new relationships?
I could teach a college course on this one. Anyone paying attention is probably going have qualms with people (as a populace). I can't think of one person that I don't like personally, but people... people are stupid. People make the wrong people famous, people destroy the planet they inhabit and people believe marketing. I spend a large portion of my day in a state of bewilderment watching people buy Monster energy drinks and listening to Pitbull. I can't speak for your resentment, but I can tell you what happened to me. When I was young, I thought adults knew everything. I looked around at people working jobs and living in homes and I thought about how cool it will be to one day know everything.
Then I got older and realized there are a lot of adults are stupid. They never learned anything. The world is run by people that can barely tie their shoes. The only qualification for being an adult is getting older. Short of getting cancer or getting hit by a car almost anyone can do it. So now we sit bombarded in our everyday life by people we wouldn't trust to hamster sit. So in a sense, you are getting older and grumpier, but the good news is that it just means you are smart and self-aware enough to see the buffoonery going on around you. You can try to replace the relationships, but there is a very real possibility that you end up on a road trip with someone that makes you drive your car off a bridge. Kanye West sells out arenas and the Kardashians get TV shows. And that is the way it is for the foreseeable future. Your move, Darwin.
Why weren't you this snarky in high school?
I come from a long line of men that listen more than they talk. I don't know why people find that so unusual. It makes perfect sense to me, but it also doesn't really lend itself to getting votes for class clown. As long as I can remember I have just sort of observed things and thought everything was absurd. The short answer is that I was, but you would have had to listen to know it. Teenagers don't pick up on subtly and I have never been one to talk over people. Also, how slimy are teenagers? It's so gross.
Did you find the people who hit your car?
I did. Her name is Jen Alden and she lives in White House, TN. Her husband's name is John, and if you went to Beech High School in the early 2000s, you know him from the soccer team. It is infuriating that I am still trying to get this person to pay for what she did. The lesson here is that if you don't own anything and you hit a car in a parking lot, just drive off and don't answer the door when the cops come.
What ever happened to the 80's Christian hair band Stryper?
They released an album in 2011 called "The Covering." Not as much critical acclaim as "To Hell with the Devil", but you have to admire the hustle.
Why can't I get no tang round here?
It goes to NASA and you aren't astronaut material.
