Certainty 1: If I am in a grocery line... it will be the slowest in the store
I don't know why this is the case. I must have been a real bung hole in a past life. I cannot get through a check-out line in less than 15 minutes. I can turn an express lane into the tobacco lane. I can get behind someone with 14 items in their cart and not only will they have 14 coupons, but the barcode on 12 items will not scan. Oh, and out of the 75 jars of Mayonaise, the lady had to grab the one that rings up as a Cadilliac. And she is always... always going to try and pay with the change she found in her couch cushion, realize she is $0.32 short and decide to write a check.
Why does anyone write checks, anyway? If you aren't making a car payment don't write a heck. Instead, just turn to me standing behind you and explain that your time is way more important than mine. Then you can still make your point and I can get home before I pee in my pants.
It is this reason that I hate Wal Mart. People are always talking about Walmart being an evil corporation. "Wal Mart sets their prices too low and drives independent stores out of business. They are evil. They set the costs for their suppliers. WHAAAH!"
Listen, that is called economies of scale and perfectly legal. In fact, it's just good business. Suppliers need their product in Wal Mart so Wal Mart has the advantage. Deal with it, liberals. Viva la Capitalism!
I do hate Wal Mart though. I hate Wal Mart because the entire front of the store is covered... literally from one end to the other with check out lanes. So why... WHY do they only have four cashiers working? Has anyone ever been to a Wal Mart where 50% of the lanes are open? 25%? Of course you haven't. Because that would get me through the line and the universe would implode. So while I'm stuck behind Lulu counting her pennies the rest of the Wal Mart cashier staff can sit on the wall beside the entrance and smoke on "break."
God forbid the guy handing out carts come push a few register buttons. That's not in his job description. He has to guard the photos of the children that have been missing for eleven years. AND THAT COMPUTER ENHANCED PHOTO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE WHAT THAT INFANT WOULD LOOK LIKE AS A TEENAGER! How did I even end up on this tangent? And don't even get me started on the U-Scan lanes. Every item I scan I hear, "Please wait for cashier." If I wanted to wait on a cashier, I would have stood behind Lulu!
Certainty 2: Basketball is the best sport on Earth
Now I know what you are thinking: "I hate it when I have to pay extra for ranch dressing with my chicken wings." But you may also be thinking that football is the best sport. You may also be wrong.
Now I have nothing against football. I actually love football. I love tailgating and going to games. I watch as much as I can on TV. But college sports are inherenltly better than professional sports. Mostly because the players have not yet been arrested and let off of the hook (at least that is the way it used to be). College football is just more exciting than the NFL because of the people in the stands.
The professional organizations have killed the football fan. They have inflated ticket prices and built small shopping centers in the arena. $8 beers and $12 pretzels keep the loyal fans from staying drunk and obnoxious in the forth quarter. The only people that can afford to go to games and have a good time can't tailgate and watch a whole game without a nap.
A large portion of college stadiums, on the other hand are filled with college students. College students can tailgate for 4 hours before a 10am game. And in the majority of college stadiums there is no alcohol... served. This means that guys are left up to their own devices to get alcohol into the stadiums. The need to do this so they can :
A: Stay drunk during the 4 hours they are at the stadium
and
B: Have it on hand in case a girl near by needs to stay drunk enough to make some bad decisions after the game.
This is a recipe for a great football atmosphere. Every decent team every year is expected to win a BCS Bowl and when the team loses it's third game the entire student section turns on the them. The way God intended it. There is one major flaw in college football though. I'm not going to mention it because it should be obvious. I'll give you a hint: it is three letters and it rhymes with "so who is the best team?"
Football has an immediate disqualification because OSU can play for a national championship. Suck it football fans.
Now you may also be thinking to yourself that baseball is the best game in the world. I would like to remind you that a gun is the most effective way to kill yourself.
You could make a case for golf, but it loses mostly because they only put good players in tournaments. Personally I think if you want ratings you should put me on TV playing golf on a Sunday afternoon. The cost to run a commercial would rival the Super Bowl within 3 weeks.
Basketball wins because its awesome... and by default... and because of Dwight Howard
Certainty 3: Mike Tyson is the most destructive video game bad guy in history
1 punch? Really, Nintendo people? That's just crazy. And why is he a bad guy in his own video game? It's called Mike Tyson's Punch-Out and Mike Tyson is the enemy at the end of the game. Let me take you on a little journey to the converstaion that took place between Mike Tyson and the game developer:
Game developer: "Mike, we want to make a boxing video game where you work your way up the ranks and weight classes from amatuer boxer to heavyweight champion."
Mike Tyson: "But I already is the champ."
GD: "No I know. but the only other option would be have someone else fight you for the heavyweight championship. And it's your game so we wanted you to be the protagonist."
MT: "I don't know nothin' about no protons, but I already is the champ."
GD: "So you want to be the bad guy in your own video game? I guess we could just make you almost impossible to beat."
MT: "I want a samich!"
GD: "Can we get him a sandwich? he has that look in his eye again..."
The road to Mike Tyson is paved with overweight guys, french guys and guys that have never been trained not to expose a weakness. It's pretty much a cake walk. And your reward? Fight a guy that will kill you with one punch. Thanks, Nintendo. Now I have to go back and fight Bald Bull for the fourth time.
Certainty 4: John Candy > Chris Farley
This is not up for discussion. John Candy was a far better actor than Chris Farley and made better movies than Chris Farley. I thought Tommy Boy was funny too, but it is nothing compared to Uncle Buck. And Black Sheep couldn't hold a candle to The Great Outdoors. And that explorer movie with the guy from friends sucked compared to Canadian Bacon.
And let's not forget the holy grail of John Candy movies: Who's Harry Crumb?
Who's Harry Crumb? might top my list of all time favorite movies. If you have never seen it, shame on you. Shame on you straight to Hades. Run to your computer and put it in your Blockbuster Queue. Then after you watch it we can quote it and stuff. And all of the losers that didn't take this advise will be left out. Ha! Losers.
I know John Candy was Canadian and this may make me un-American. But there is just no denying it. I don't really think Mike Myers is that funny and he is Canadian. I think Louis CK is funny and as far as I know, he is American. ALL of these men pale in comparison to the comedic bright light that is John Candy.
On top of all that, John Candy died the way a fat man should die - of a heart attack. None of this silly overdose crap. Unless you consider a heart attack an overdose of clogged arteries. Then I guess I can't make that point. But still, Ween never dedicated an album to Chris Farley. RIP John Candy.
Certainty 5: Ralph Macchio should still be making movies
He was good The Outsiders. He was good in Karate Kid. He was good in My Cousin Vinny. So he must have either wanted to quit acting or he has the worst agent in history. Can I get another Ralph Macchio movie please?
wow! This is hilarious! xo
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