Day 5: The Diet Buster

It's over. It was the bananas and soup. It was just... too much. I broke down last night. My wife agreed that soup was a terrible idea for dinner so we went for sushi. I would say I feel guilty, but in all reality - I feel so much better. So what did I learn about a crash diet?

I learned that ultimately it is much better/easier to set limitations on your everyday behavior than to go to extremes for a short period of time. I see that there is clearly a place for a diet that is this extreme. If someone has to loose a considerable amount of weight before a surgery, this would be pretty effective. And I suppose maybe I did feel pretty good, but I didn't feel bad to begin with.

I would, however say the most important lesson I learned from all of this is that black coffee sucks. I don't care how stupid I look putting cream and sugar in my coffee. Scoff at me if you want, coffee enthusiast girl at bongo java. I don't care where your beans come from. Black coffee taste like hot, bitter urine... not that I would know.

If this disappointed you and it seemed like an anti-climactic ending, well now you know how your significant other feels (boo-yaaaah!). And some people (I'm looking at you, Ann Coulter) teased me about this and thought it made me girly. I began to wonder so I reached out to a man that I know has more testosterone pumping through his veins than I do for his opinion. He could not be reached , however because as it turns out he does not exist. I'm going to go shave now and maybe pump some iron.

(flexes and kisses bicep)

Day 4: Stuck in my cabana, livin' on bananas and soup

Today I can eat bananas and soup... all day. That's it. Dunston himself did not have to deal with such a menu. Oh yeah - and I am supposed to drink all of the skim milk I can stand. After one glass, I may have hit the wall. On the bright side - I can put skim milk in my coffee... or so I thought until I did it. It doesn't look right. It looks like muddy water with a gray/depressed tint to it. I know I'm complaining a lot, but I don't want to give the idea this diet is easy or even remotely enjoyable. The plus side, as you can imagine is a supposedly "clean" body and as of this morning I have lost 6 lbs. 6 lbs in 3 days is not too bad. Now I know I will gain all of it back with the first chicken wing, but at least I know what to do a week before my next "Men of Project Management - Specific to the Sign Industry" topless calender shoot. It's an exclusive group - you probably haven't heard of it. Long waiting lists, ect, ect...

- All I have eaten today is bananas. I am actually scared to eat the soup again so I have avoided it to the point that it is 1:20pm and I have eaten 5 bananas today. I once saw Jeff Corwin throw up from eating too many bananas. I thought maybe it was faked for television, but I think I see now that it had to be real. I can feel my will power fading. I don't want dinner tonight. I just want to sleep through the next three days.

- It's almost the end of my work day and my stomach is empty. I ran out of bananas three hours ago. All I have left to eat is soup. I'll see you in hell, soup. I'd rather die than eat another bite of you. I'm not sure what tonight will bring. I'd say with any luck it will bring Armageddon (end of world, not Ben Affleck movie).

Day 3 - Fruits AND Vegetables. Slow Down, Variety. I'm Only One Man.

Day three of my drastic overhaul and today is a real treat. I can eat all of the fruits AND vegetables I want (along with the soup). Pear for breakfast because I have stopped trying. I'm also clinically losing my mind. I just tried to stir my coffee at work before I realized it was black coffee and there was nothing to stir. To be honest - I did wake up this morning immediately more alert than I typically am at 5:30am and I ran faster and longer last night than I typically like to run (to the mailbox and back). So maybe there is something to this diet, although I would never admit it. For now I will continue to complain and enjoy this black coffee - or as I like to call it, "Devil's spit." Black coffee is so gross.

- It's almost soup time. I miss meet. Meet? Did I spell that right? I can't remember anymore. Look - all I'm trying to say is that at some point someone is going to have to pay back all this government lent money.

- Lunch was a bowl of soup. It is getting pretty old (i.e. repetitive, not rotten). I had to drink enough water to wash the taste of tomato and chicken broth out of my mouth. I think I feel better, but I can't tell if I have just convinced my self of it or I really am invincible.

- If you cook a portobello mushroom in Dale's marinade - it kind of taste like meat. And more to the point... it's not soup.

Day 2: Vegetables Dipped in Resentment

Day one of seven is in the books and I'm pretty happy to be one day closer to the end of the diet. It has not really been all that bad. The soup is good enough, but I never really felt like I should stop eating. Eventually I just got bored and quit. I have discovered that the key to eating all fruits and vegetables is to stay busy so you don't think about the fact that you miss bread. Another thing I have noticed over the last 24 hours is the insane amount of exposure people have to food that is bad for us. I think every commercial on TV was about fast food, alcohol, pizza or (God help me) cheese sticks.

- Breakfast this morning created a challenge I never considered before now. There are no vegetables (other than potatoes) that you can eat by themselves for breakfast. A client at work thought he had solved my problems by - well... "Celery with peanut butter and raisins. You’ll have to sneak the peanut butter and raisins past the guards, though." A great idea. I was also maybe thinking I would have lettuce and a tomato, but try to sneak bacon past the guards. Or maybe I could have a cucumber but try and sneak in some eggs and sausage. I will settle for tomato juice instead. tomato juice... for breakfast. I was thinking maybe later I'd try to find a purse to match these shoes too (quote from J. Weber regarding weight loss via work email- 2009).

- It's 11 am and all I have had today is tomato juice. Three glasses of tomato juice and one cup of black coffee. Black coffee sucks. I'm looking forward to lunch. More soup. I brought some edamame to spice things up. I already feel lighter, but that may just be dizziness. I did look especially vibrant this morning when I woke up. I could be a model by next Sunday. So to sum up - I'm really sexy. I'll let you know how lunch goes.

- I ate one bowl of soup for lunch. I'm still hungry but I am starting to resent soup so I decided to take a break. I also just read that thousands of tropical fish died in a Russian airport this week. So I guess it could be worse. I could be a tropical fish in Russia.

- I was given coupons for free burgers from Hardees at work. Fate is a pitiless whore.

- Dinner was vegetables and - as the diet literature put it, "treat yourself to a baked potato..." Thanks, diet. I am treating myself to what constitutes as filler in most meals. Regardless it's good to have a carbohydrate. I feel like I'm done eating for the night. But do you know what really pisses me off? I got disc 6 of the final season of Deadwood from Blockbuster in the mail and do you know what it was? The Special Features! I got to learn how Ian McShane and Timothy Olyphant got into character. Screw you, overpaid clown. I want to see Bullock slap a feeble Deadwood resident and Swearengen curse out a prostitute.