In today's really happy news - Sean Penn has decided to take a break from acting to focus on... looking dumbfounded. I personally thank you, Sean Penn. You are not as good of an actor as everyone says anyway. I don't know who you sold your soul to in order to find success as an actor, but this may entitle you to a refund.

I was thinking this morning while I was shaving. I was recalling a brilliant manifesto I had previously written regarding a woman's vulnerability to marketing and product perception. No woman in particular - all women. The examples are obvious - purses, wedding dresses, diamonds... it could go on and on. Why do women pay so much for these things (i.e. - get men to pay so much for them)? Is it because these things matter? No. A woman's purse is no more functionally important than a man's wallet. But it cost 6 times as much. Why is a diamond so valuable? Because women want them so bad and men are actually socially obligated to get them for women (rappers probably have something to do with the cost of diamonds too - but not for the purposes of said essay). I believed women were the reason colleges have "Marketing" as a major - along with the fact that stupid people deserve a business degree too (I can say it. I was a marketing major - dumbest classes since driver's ed). Some select quotes from the essay follow:

What about diamonds? These are perfect little examples of percieved value. Marinate on this for a minute. DeBeers is hands down the worlds largest distributor of diamonds. Bar none. There is no competition that even comes close to touching DeBeers. Now women love diamonds. Men love what women are willing to do for diamonds. So men buy diamonds... for women. Here's the rub... DeBeers has 85% of the worlds diamonds mined and locked up in surplus. Why? Because if diamonds aren't rare (which they aren't) they aren't worth dick. What does this really mean? It means that there are more diamonds in the world than topaz. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Women don't even know this about themselves. I read a case study as an undergrad about Arizona Jeans Co. The company was struggling and the V.P. of Marketing (a woman) decided to revamp the entire marketing campaign to target females between the ages of 16-25. A year later the results were in. She slightly missed the mark and managed to target women between 40-50 years old. 20 years off. I know what you are thinking: "So what? So women can't market to women. What does that mean?" Well have you ever snuck up behind Helen Keller? Me neither but I imagine it would be pretty easy.

Consider purses. Women will pay between $400 and $1500 for a piece of leather (purse) that houses another piece of leather (wallet) that holds money. Now I understand fashion... maybe. But consider the purses male-counterpart. No, not the man-bag. I am talking about a wallet. My wallet cost approximately $30 4 years ago. It still holds my debit card, driver's license and cash as well as it did the day I bought it. Now I know that certain high-priced designers have men's accessories such as wallets that run upwards of $300. I don't know people that buy these, but even assuming that people do, consider this. How many men are walking around with Louis Vuitton knock-off wallets? If you guessed 1, you overshot. Now I know at least 10 girls that have knock-off purses. They are so concerned with the image that goes along with carrying those bags that they will carry a purse with the same design, but none of the quality.

Convinced?

Well don't be because during my morning shave I had an epiphany. This is heartbreaking to admit - not only because I may not have thought a previous theory through completely (shocking), but also because as it turns out... men are just as stupid as women.

I know... I just blew your mind. But take a walk with me for a second.


Consider for a moment... if you will just how well marketing works on men too. I missed it before: It is not a matter of whether or not marketing works on both genders. It is a matter of the different gender's preferences. Men fall for it, but just on smaller scaled items.


We will start with the item that began this entire inner monologue:

Shaving "Gel"

Men buy shaving gel. Men buy shaving gel because... I don't know. Is it because the color green is more soothing? Maybe - but I use shaving cream because it is cheaper and I'm not stupid.

"But Dean, how can I be stupid for buying shaving gel that is comes out of the can green and is, therefore, more soothing than shaving cream?"

Because it is only green when it comes out of the container. Once you put it on your face it is the same thing as shaving cream. Take a look...

Shaving Cream

Shaving Gel

Did you see what the green gel turned into when it was applied to a face? CREAM! SHAVING CREAM! THEY ARE THE SAME THING! So why would I pay $2 more for the gel? If you answered - "you wouldn't, Dean - you are too smart for that." - you are correct.


Think that is a fluke? What about AXE body spray?

Here is a board meeting when this product was presented:


"You know deodorant? Well we are going to make it spray from a can."

"That's not a new idea. It's been that way for years."

"Yeah... but we are going to put it in a smaller can. So you have to buy more after you spray it twice."

"That's silly. Why would anyone buy that?"

"Because we will tell men if they cover themselves in it, it will help them get laid. And their stupid so we can charge $5 for a 2 oz can. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"

There you have it. AXE. Less deodorant at twice the cost. And you know you bought it. Hell I still have a bottle in my bathroom at home. And it still gives me a headache when it is sprayed.


Still think you are impervious to this stuff? I ask you to once again consider Under Armour.

I can't recall a product that strokes the male ego more than Under Armour. Ideally this stuff should have been sold in a more niche market. To people that look like this.

So does every guy heading to the gym think he actually looks like that? Why else would anyone pay $50 to look like this? Because men have somehow been convinced that wearing skin-tight compression shorts makes them look like a large, intimidating black man.

"Is that Ray Lewis over there?"

"No that's Carl. He does my accounting."


And it doesn't necessarily have to revolve around price. Some products are so similar in product and price that they have to simply set themselves apart.

What about this insult to male intelligence?

I know you have seen the commercials. The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer is cold. Just so you don't make the mistake and drink a beer that isn't cold. I honestly don't know what people did before the color of a can told them when the beer is cold. I don't know where they even came up with such a fantastic idea. And it is advertised a "technology." I'm not sure if it can be considered "technology when the inspiration was a Hypercolor T-shirt.

Now I don't drink Coors or any variation so I have to resort to less fancy ways of telling if beverages are cold... like feeling it... with my hand. Here watch this: See that? I touched the can. Is it cold? Yes? Ok - it should be good to drink now. What a pain. It's a hard knock life, but at least it's mine.

There you have it. Men are just as gullible as women. Not me. But I have to go now. I am going to put on some Under Armour and go for my daily jog to the mailbox and back. Don't act like you're not impressed neighbors.