Obviously Not Miss San Fransisco

I don't like to take sides (*). I hate to take sides more than I hate to take NyQuil (why does it taste so bad? Can't we do something about that?). But there is something happening right now that I have to address. Something that is so entirely not news worthy it should have never been an afterthought in the mind of anyone... anywhere, yet has become what seems to be the top news story of the past week. I'm not talking about our government giving $30 billion more to the AIG "rescue" (which I will now refer to as the "AIG Prolonged Euthanization / Bend over and pull up your skirt, tax payer")... Not The CFO of Freddie Mac committing suicide after only being on the job since last September (did nothing ever come up about handling pressure situations in his interview?). Nothing about our new President implementing a plan to save the US $100 million (.0005% of this years planned spending deficit? Really? thanks for the insulting reach-around, BO.). Nothing about a war or sports.

Nope... Miss California caused a "scandal" by answering a loaded question honestly. I know, right? You don't care either. Now I don't really know who or what Perez Hilton is, but I'm pretty sure it is gay and I'm almost positive it should not qualify as a "celebrity judge." Nevertheless someone let this talentless monstrosity ask a question to a poor girl that has worked her entire life to look fantastic in a 2 piece (I sympathize because I know the sacrifices it takes to look impeccable in a thong).

So it asked this poor girl her opinion on gay marriage. And her answer was... about as smooth as a herpes outbreak. She states:

"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite. And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."

Now I know what you are about to say. "Dean, your hair looks ridiculous. Why don't you get a hair cut."

But that is beside the point. Focus here. Can you understand the picture I am painting? Hollywood has jumped on board with making fun of this poor girl. HOLLYWOOD! No, not even Hollywood. Those goblins that became famous for no other reason than having rich parents and not wearing panties. They make Sean Penn look smart.

And it's no wonder journalism is in the tank. People blame the internet. Its not the internet. It is the the uninspired morons that contact these people and ask their opinion.

"Hey, Paris... what do you think about Miss California's answer to the question on Gay marriage?"

"People need to be more tolerant. If it weren't for Gay people, no one would have bought my sex tape... Please pay attention to me! Look! I shaved (pulls up skirt)"

What? Too far?


Look... all I'm saying is that George Strait is one smooth talker when it comes to the ladies.



Not only that, but can we all please agree that if you ask someone's opinion on something you can't get mad when they give it to you? It's pretty clear what answer was going to serve Perez Hilton's agenda. And Miss California was expected to give him the only kind of satisfaction she could ever give him.

But she didn't. She answered honestly. And now I can't look at any news outlet without reading or hearing about this "scandal." This isn't a scandal, people. This is a competition that is 90% decided by physical appearance and the ability to not fall down in heels. And then they ask them a question and given the opportunity, one contestant stated what she believed in. And a large percentage of the country agrees with her or it would be legal everywhere. But we don't hear from that percentage. We hear from Kim Kardashian.

The only mistake Miss California made was not understanding that the only people that care about the Miss America pageant are gay men. She should have dodged the question and still not completely abandoned her beliefs and answered like this:

What's up with men anyway? Why can't they spend more than 10 minutes in Target? Amirite, ladies?

She would have received a standing ovation and have the crown right now.

I'm just saying that I'm right... about everything. Even when I contradict myself.

And Perez Hilton is not so much a celebrity judge as an unfunny, untalented, fat eye sore that makes more money than me for reasons I will never understand. How did it even get on TV? That is atrocious. I'm serious. Write your congressman. We demand a Dean be on TV!

U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!!!!!

* I really like to take sides

Kanye Humbled... Still Hated

There are not too many things I am ashamed to admit. I tend to have outlandish opinions about things and people often disagree with me about these things. Nevertheless I think I make a strong case for my opinions and much like Charles Manson; it all makes sense in my head.

For instance, I am not ashamed to admit that I think french fries are a better side item to a steak than a baked potato. I should probably not admit this. I should probably say something healthy so everyone thinks I am healthy, and therefore better than their tubby self image. But I don't say something healthy. I say french fries. Because they are a gift from God when accompanying a steak. It's the truth. So next time you are at the Sizzler (or wherever your significant other takes you on your special day), and your waiter asks you what side you would like with your "steak" - as you peruse the side items and try to decide between rice pilaf, loaded baked potato or creamed whatever... go with the fries. And do it with pride. Besides, by the time you dump everything in the kitchen on your baked potato to give it flavor, it is 7,000 calories. Man, your eating has gotten out of control... just sayin'.

Another thing I am not ashamed of, but probably should be is the television programming that I enjoy. There are shows that I enjoy that other people (including my wife) find completely ridiculous. I can watch Gangland for hours if I don't have anything to do. I can't explain why, but I really get into the show. I unconditionally love hearing stories of crime organizations, mafia, mobs and gangs torturing and killing each other. It is fascinating. If you don't believe me, log onto your Blockbuster or Netflix account and find The Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Hitman. A guy can have a normal family life and kill over 100 people for the mafia in his spare time. The EXACT same way I can look beautiful after only 2 hours of sleep (ed. note - this may not be the same thing at all, but it is still true).

I also cannot get interested in shows that just about everyone else loves. This mostly applies to comedies. The most notable example of this is Flight of the Concords. Everyone seems to think this show is hilarious. I have never found anything I have seen on that show even remotely funny. We are supposed to laugh because they they have a straight face, huh? Well I refuse to fall in line with people I am convinced are only laughing because they are afraid they aren't getting the joke.

"Hey guys, I have a great new idea for the show! We will wear a funny hat. (uproarious laughter) Yeah, yeah! We will wear funny hats and ride unicorns. (More laughter). Oh, man I'm on a role. Then we will sing. We can sing a song about... about..."

(Someone else chimes in) "A song about... a box! We can pretend we are boxes... HAHAHA!!! But when we do it we will include long pauses and stare at the camera with straight faces. HAHAHA!!!"

I just wrote an episode of Flight of the Concords.

Another show I have never found funny is Southpark. I know it is supposed to be hilarious. The problem I have with Southpark is the reason Sasha Baron Cohen is supposed to be hilarious. Anyone can be funny by saying things people find offensive. It doesn't make you funny. Now believe me... I am not sensitive. I do not feel bad for people that get made fun of and rarely anything offends me personally. But I still don't find it funny to make fun of people in a way that society finds "shocking." I am supposed to think Trey Parker and Matt Stone are funny because they have a cartoon retard farting on their show. Ha! They made fun of retards! Hilariously shocking! Did they really name the black kid Token? Genius!

To sum it up: saying things that other people won't say does not make you funny. It may make people laugh, but it does not make you a funny person. I guess it is a niche that can make somone rich, but it is just not funny to me.

That being said; Southpark did something this week that they should get an Emmy for accomplishing. They absolutely skewered Kanye West. So much so that he apologized for his own Ego. I'll say that again: they made fun of Kanye West until he decided HE was a douche bag (I always thought that was one word, but spell check tells me douche bag is two words. Interesting). Don't get me wrong... what I saw of the episode was not really funny. But apparently it was effective. He wrote on his blog:

"SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER."

"I JUST WANT TO BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM,"

This seems like a backhanded admission of guilt. Like saying, "I'm beautiful, but I don't even realize it." Regardless I applaud his effort in trying to sound like a person I don't want to get run over by a train carrying dynamite.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that a great start to obtaining modesty would be return back to the world of lower case letters.

But is it too late? Will we ever be able to forgive Kanye West for his tantrums at award shows? For claiming he is the voice of our generation? For feeling waaay more relevant than anyone else thinks he is?

I can't. Or I won't. Either way, I am really looking forward to retirement. That will be great, won't it?