I am getting the distinct feeling that the NFL wants no one to watch the Super Bowl. There are now only four teams remaining and I cannot think of four teams I have less interest in watching play football. There is literally NO reason to tune in to anymore football this season. So let's brake it down in case you disagree with me (yeah, right).
Team 1 - The Arizona Cardinals
The Arizona cardinals are the Atlanta Hawks of the NFL. It's like they forgot where they came from and decided to abandon their role as the only team expected to rival Detroit for the taint of the NFL. Wasted draft picks - check. Awful location - check. History of sucking - check. So where does Larry Fitzgerald get off living up to his hype? Can he not learn anything from Matt Leinart? The only thing worse than getting beat out by an old man for your starting position is getting beat out by an old man for your starting position and then completely losing your mind. This will not stand. 9-7 in the regular season and now they are one win away from the Super Bowl. The only thing that makes less sense than this is P. Diddy's reason for voting for Obama.
I think I speak for all of America when I say, "Hey, Cardinals. Get off your high horse. If we wanted you to be winners, we would have moved the team East."
Team 2 - The Philadelphia Eagles
Donovan Mcnabb is the reason I wish failure on people. I don't know why, but I just hate the guy. I don't really have any reason to other than he sucks and Jason Whitlock likes him. I guess that is reason enough. That and his chunky soup commercials. I don't really have anything against he Eagles except for Donovan Mcnabb. And I guess their fans supposedly suck, but I don't know any of their fans. They get a pass because I would be pissed too if I was forced to cheer for... look I don't want to beat a dad horse here. I just don't like him.
Speaking of beating dead horses, how 'bout those Broncos? Ok, I know their season has been over for a while, but I had to find something to say about beating dead horses.
I just thought of another reason to hate Philadelphia - Cheez Whiz. They put Cheez Whiz on "steak." Can you imagine sitting in a bar in philly when the Eagles score? The smell of onions and Cheez Whiz in the air. Grease running down all of the multiple chins on fat Philadelphians (just a side note - spell check recommends flatulence for Philadelphians... coincidence?) . Slippery high fives and big haired waitresses with hoop earrings serving up shats a' wyld turkey.
The long of the short? Philadelphia is gross and shouldn't still be playing.
Team 3 - The Pittsburgh Steelers
If there is a more heart-warming success story than Ben Ringledicker, I'd like to know it.
Man play college football at Miami, but not the good one.
Man gets drafted into the NFL and becomes youngest quarterback to win the Super Bowl
Man gets temporary permit and rides motorcycle without helmet
Man wrecks said motorcycle and almost dies
Man could play in this year's Super Bowl
If you need an argument against Natural Selection - See Big Ben.
And just a little about Stillers fans:
They say "Yunz" (you ones)
They don't shower *
They migrate south, but will always remind you of how great things are in up in Pittsburgh
They hate jews *
They think they are going to win the Super Bowl EVERY YEAR
They have huge chins
(*source needed)
If The Stillers win and the Eagles win, it will be an all-PA Super Bowl. This may actually be a good thing if the Gov't was looking for a place to test bombs.
Team 4 - The Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens literally suck and are only still in the playoffs because Tennessee is better at forcing their opponent to win than Baltimore. I have never seen two teams fight over losing like I saw in that game. Who do the Ravens have on their offense? A rookie from Delaware that is playing way beyond his means by not urinating on himself and an old wide receiver that used to be good at Tennessee. They have no way to score. All they can hope for is good field position and the wind to be at Matt Stover's back.
And I know they have a good defense. I know Ray Lewis is good. But, hey. OJ was good too. But if you kill someone, Karma is coming back like Mick Dundee's Boomerang. And who really cares about defense? I have to go with Jean Claude Van Damme here when he argued with Dennis Rodman in Double Team
JCVD: "Offense gets the glory"
DR: "But Defense wins the game"
Offense should get the glory. Did Ted McGinley play defense in The Nerds movies? Of course not. He scored on the field so he scored off the field. It's that simple. Am I right, Ladies? You know who you are. And who are you going to take advice from? Dennis Rodman or Jean Caude Van Damme?
That's what I thought.
To sum up:
Arizona Cardinals - Blah
Philadelphia Eagles - Fart Noise
Pittsburgh Steelers - Yawn
Baltimore Ravens - Gun Shots
Thank you 08-09 season. I will never get the time I spent watching you back.
My Predictions, you ask?
An all PA Super Bowl in which the Steelers bring it home. And we can all move on to better sports on TV.
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