Okay, I didn't even know the Oscars still exist. I guess they do because MSN informed me a complete list of the nominees came out today. I don't know who is hosting it this year, but I bet he/she will not be funny. And if he/she is funny I bet he/she will say only two funny (but offensive) things about Heath Ledger dying or 9/11 and will get no laughs from the audience. Why are people always scared to laugh at jokes about people dying? The room is filled with the most morally corrupt / entitled group of people on the planet and they are afraid to offended The Joker's baby mama. The point is I have not heard anything about Marisa Miller or Journey being involved so I'm not watching.
I did want to know what movies were nominated, however. I watch more movies than just about anyone I know because blockbuster mails them to me for a flat fee. I have this compulsion with getting my money's worth out of businesses so I am literally forced to watch as many movies as I can so - not to get ripped off. Anyway, I am running out of low-budget horror movies to rent so I am always up for suggestions. I assumed "The Academy" would have some pretty solid recommendations. What I did not take into account was that "the academy" consists of a turtle, an infant and an epileptic, blind monkey. So here is a breakdown of some of the nominees. This list could also be titled "Movies You Could Only Like if Your Other Option Was This Vixen."
BEST DIRECTOR:
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon"
Gus Van Sant, "Milk"
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader"
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire."
I have literally not seen any of these movies so you may think I am not qualified to talk about them. I would, in turn, think you should shut your man pleaser and stop reading now.
David Fincher - The Curious Case of Benjamin Gump - As far as I can tell this is a movie about a guy being born an old man and getting younger every year until he dies as an infant. As interesting as it sounds to see an old man covered in after birth AND an infant dying in the same movie, I'll pass. I have no idea what the stipulations are for being a good director, but in my humble opinion they get too much credit. There is no way a director can make this movie interesting with camera angles and fading out.
Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon - Opie makes more boring movies. If Andy Griffith were alive today (ed. note - I have no idea if Andy Griffith is still alive) I would ask him to slap Ron Howard. Why does he always have to make boring movies. he has made like 600 movies and not one freaking zombie. What does he have against zombies anyway?
Gus Van Sant - Milk - When did Lynard Skynard start making movies about gay guys?
Stephen Daldry - The Reader - A Holocaust Movie? I can't believe I am saying this, but I am starting to feel about the holocaust the same way I feel about bananas foster. It had a huge impact on me the first time I saw the flambe, but now I just want the damn banana (I'm not even sure that made sense). But congrats, S.D. - you made the HOLOCAUST uninteresting! I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen.
Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire - When I heard the title of this movie I thought it was awesome. I really thought I was going to like the movie based on the cool title. Then I saw the movie poster and said to myself - "Hey - that doesn't look like a mafia OR zombie movie."
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Josh Brolin, "Milk"
Robert Downey Jr., "Tropic Thunder";
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Doubt"
Heath Ledger, "The Dark Knight"
Michael Shannon, "Revolutionary Road."
We all know who is going to win here. I guess he was pretty good as The Joker, but lets not forget he died from mixing prescriptions while waiting on a massage. HE WAS ABOUT TO GET A MASSAGE AND OVERDOSED ON PRESCRIPTION PILLS! That is reason enough to avoid referring to him as "a winner." Robert Downey Jr. should be the clear winner here. He loves drugs and he is still able to pull off playing a black guy better than Obama. RDJ:1 HL:0.
Best ACTRESS:
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married"
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling"
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River"
Meryl Streep, "Doubt"
Kate Winslet, "The Reader."
At the risk of sounding like I care - I would probably agree with anyone that says Kate Winslet is one of the best actresses in recent memory. And her uncompromising willingness to disrobe for boring movies is admirable. I think Angelina Jolie is only getting credit for this because she isn't hot in this movie (at least not in the previews). Why are we expected to take an actor or actress seriously because the pretend to be ugly or retarded in movies? I think I speak for everyone when I say stop trying to act like you can be ordinary. People like Angelina Jolie and myself are often pressured to "ugly down" so we don't offend the rest of you. We get it - if you stay out of the sun for a year and cut your hair short - even attractive people can look like Powder. That's no reason to win an award. Actually that pretty much just encourages other attractive actresses to look ugly in movies. That's like encouraginbg Willy Wonka to grow vegetables. Stick to what you know you curly headed creep (that could go to Willy Wonka or Angelina Jolie in The Changling).
BEST ACTOR:
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor"
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon"
Sean Penn, "Milk"
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler."
Mickey Rourke - I want Mickey Rourke to win this because anyone that can get that kind of plastic surgery and not overdose deserves a nice comeback. Not to mention he seems Bat Sh#t crazy and I would really like to youtube his acceptance speech.
Richard Jenkins - I'm kind of a fan on this guy. He has been in some good movies and shows, but he seems more like a journeyman than anything else. He probably should have been nominated for Step Brothers since I have no idea what "The Visitor" is. Could it be a zombie movie? Cus That would change my vote.
Frank Langella - I saw the previews for this and his impression of Richard Nixon resembles Darrell Hammond's impression of Sean Connery on SNL. If he gets an award for this performance than Jim Carrey got snubbed for his portrayal of Ace Ventura.
Sean Penn - I have always hated Sean Penn. He is basically just like Keanu Reeves. Everyone seems to notice that Keanu Reeves only has one dumbfounded look, but no one cares that Sean Penn gets away with it. He is basically Spicolli in every role. If you throw him in a serious setting - he looks confused. Make him a stoner - he looks confused. Gay guy - confused, but with a limp wrist. Give him a retard role - confused and drooling. I feel like Will Ferrell's rant at the end of Zoolander. Mark my words - agree with me or not, Sean Penn is not a good actor.
Brad Pitt - See also: Angelina Jolie in The Changling
BEST PICTURE:
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
"Frost/Nixon"
"Milk"
"The Reader"
"Slumdog Millionaire."
Not one zombie...
These movies literally looked so bad I was recently trying to find a movie to go to and stayed home instead. The only movie I want to see (The Wrestler) is not even playing in my state. How is it that the boring abortions are always in every theater and the movies that actually look good are in "limited release?"
TCCOBB - Didn't the Wayan's Bros. already make this movie?
Frost/Nixon - A movie about an interview. That seems like a song about a poem.
Milk - Rewarding these kinds of movies with Oscars will only encourage more movies like this to be made. Gay is the new cinematic retarded. I don't have anything against it, but a movie about clipping finger nails would be more entertaining.
The Reader - Nazis? This movie needs Nazi zombies
Slumdog Millionaire - I can't tell you how disappointed I am that this movie even got made.
There they are. Your 2009 Oscar nominations. If anyone needs me I will be swinging by my neck from a belt in my closet.
Godspeed, people who still want to make entertaining movies. Godspeed.
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