The Reason Email Was Invented

Ok, to make up for yesterday's (or the day before... I seriously can't even remember anymore) pathetic attempt at a post, I'm going to treat you to an email I received from a former colleague/current friend today. This friend and I got the ol' heave-ho from our last employer in the same day. I literally remember walking out of the bosses office and hearing said colleague's phone ring to be called in. Anyway, he took a sabbatical when I had actually been looking for a job. Consequently he is still living off of our former employer's unemployment insurance. Which is why he has time to email me little gems like this:

I woke up this morning at the crack of 9:30. As I passed the mirror on the way to empty my beer inflated bladder I noted a few things. There was a unfamiliar stain on my wife beater. So I straightened up the sweat pants I had on (3rd day in a row and holding steady) and leaned in to observe the discoloration of my week old, sleeveless, ripped, Fruit-of-the-Loom dandy. But alas, as I was doing this I noticed an orange tint to my teeth and realized I had fallen asleep with a half eaten Cheese Curl in my mouth, while watching Get Rich Quick in Real Estate no less. I suppose at some point I dropped the bag of Curls from my death grip, rolled over in my sleeping bag (sold all the furniture), and squashed the Curls into a left over pizza box, where one lonely pepperoni conspired with the Cheese Curls to form a messy mustard color on the 'ol tank top. Anyway, I laughed it off, noticed the hair needed no combing since it had attained a permanent sideways skew, adjusted the rabbit ears on the black and white, and proceeded to start the morning off right by making myself some homemade toast and watching "The Mid Day News".

It's day 160 and I'm living the solid life!

Meh...

It's been a little too long. Let's just say I've been on paternity leave. And by that I mean I've been too lazy to type out my thoughts and since my daughter was born I have an excuse to skip out on ANYTHING. Being a dad is pretty incredible, but I'm not here to gush about how much better my daughter is than anything in your family tree (U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi...). I hate when people think you want to hear all about their kids. I don't care and your kid sucks (ed. note - your kid does not suck and I don't hate him/her. I'm just not sure I care about little Timmy's teething). No as it where I'm sitting on my couch with my B.A. wife and awesome daughter sleeping next to me. I'm trying to watch Repo Men because it came in Netflix but Jude Law is distractingly skinny. It's like his head is wider than his tiny shoulders. He's like a weeny little cotton swab. He's not even a bad actor, but he's always in terrible movies. I think it has a direct correlation to the width of his shoulders. He's also not believable as a straight man. And in the first 5 minutes, this movie is stupid.
I do want to take this opportunity to say that on October 7th, Band of Horses is playing Live on the Green and if you are in the Nashville area and don't go to a free Band of Horses concert I will fight you. Now I'll be the first to admit I don't ever know what the cool kids are listening to these days. I just can't keep up with it. Consequently my musical taste could generally be described as "weepy bearded white guys" (i.e. your mom's last three one night stands). But whether or not you judge bands by the lead singer's facial hair, Band of Horses makes sweet, gentle, lubed up Isaac Hayes love to my ear drums. You would be stupid to miss this show. Full listing of shows here.
OK, I know this was short and probably a little disappointing (i.e. why your mom left your dad), but I'm about three glasses into a bottle of red wine and can't even pretend to care about anything on the internet. Besides I'm going to take the rest of this movie to try and figure out which of Forest Whitaker's eyes is actually looking at me.

Love, me.

The Art of Direction

There would be no point in trying to express how life changes when you realize you are going to have a child. It wouldn't matter what I said. Unless you are or have been in this position, you wouldn't get it. It's not just curiosity and it's not just happiness. It's also not just crap-your-pants fear although all of these things are definitely present. Everything you do and think about changes.

I'll give you an example - I have never spent an enormous amount of time on the internet. Generally speaking I use a computer at work so when I get home, I want to be on a computer about as much as I want to be in a crowded country music concert (that's not much). However the time I use to spend on the internet revolved around ESPN.com or various websites that post funny youtube videos of people falling or getting hit with things. Now if you were to bust down my door and catch me on the computer, you would probably catch me shamefully searching the Paisley and Posises website. There is more pink in my house than I ever imagined there would be (which was none).

Probably the biggest change is how much I actually think about how I'm going to raise this little girl. I mean kids are stupid. I am going to have to make sure she gets on the right track. The phrase "what if" runs through my mind approximately every 17 seconds. On man. There are so many ways this kid could make terrible decisions. And then I think of how I am going to effectively steer her back on the track to awesomeness and success. Observe...

WHAT IF MCKENNA WANTS TO MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD?

Ugh. Hollywood is full of the dumbest and worst people on Earth. Consider this: Will.I.Am is getting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. You know who else just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Dennis Hopper. That's right. The guy from Easy Rider and Hoosiers just got his star. All he had to do to get it is die of butt cancer. Conversely - Will.I.Am gets one for making terrible music that could be considered societal cancer. Daniel Day Lewis is the greatest actor of the last 30 years. He is scarily good. He doesn't have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. I'll give you a minute to clean the puke off of your keyboard.

So how do I stop her? I'm not one to squash someone's dream. I mean if she feels compelled to entertain people - I can't stop her, can I? Of course I can. I just need to think of a polite way to say, "Not if you want to stay my daughter."

WHAT IF MCKENNA IS A Weirdo?

You know the kid. That creeper in your elementary school class that pulled all of the peperoni off of their slice of pizza and then ate the pizza and the peperoni separate. I hate that kid. Everyone hates that kid. Some people tolerate that kid because the kid is a crier and if you say anything like - "stop being weird, you little... ugh - weirdo" he/she is gonna cry and you will get in trouble. What if that is McKenna? What if she collects twist ties and rubber bands for no reason or reads the dictionary for fun? How am I going to stop my own daughter from being an antisocial freak?

I'm not sure how to delicately explain that growing up is hard enough anyway. There is no reason to make life harder by doing things that all but guarantee your place at the dorky lunch table. I think I will just steal the twist ties and replace them with a basketball or something. Subtlety was never my strong suit.

WHAT IF MCKENNA brings home a wankster?

I realize she will likely date before I die. Despite my best efforts some little snot faced boy is going to walk through my front door and eat food paid for with my hard earned money, watch TV on my couch and try to court my daughter. This kid will already be behind the 8 ball. I already want to kick this kid and he may not even be born yet.

But what if he is a thug? I am going to try and describe this kid as well as I can. For the sake of this essay, just assume the future cultural equivalent of the examples I give. I know people will dress differently in 15-20 years. What if this kid walks through my door with a flat-billed LA hat and an Affliction t-shirt? Is it my place to tell my daughter she can't date someone because of how they dress? Damn right. Now pull your pants up, son. You can come back when I can't see your boxers.


You get the idea. These are the things that run through my head all of the time. I'm pretty sure I will figure it out as these things come up. If not I will always just fall back on locking my daughter in her room until she is 18. That should do the trick.

The NFL Draft is (Almost) Upon Us.

Uu


The NFL draft is nearly here and let's face it. Terrance Cody is fat. I mean really fat. Gross. Anyway I know that I will probably go undrafted again this year. I just don't understand what I have to do. Solid reps, great hands and a strong 40 time used to be enough. Now it's all political. Anyway, I guess I will rundown a few of the potential draft picks this year. Not because anyone wants my opinion, but just to give you some perspective. These people will all be millionaires in a few weeks. And you won't. Way to live up to your potential. I have split them up by position - kind of like all of your moms (collective burn).

Position - QB:

1) Sam Bradford

Strengths: Arm strength pre-injury; the fact that Oklahoma sucked without him; He happens to be a quarterback in a draft where there are no good quarterbacks; Potential franchise QB; Size (6'4")

Weaknesses: Squinty eyes limit vision (I assume); Injury to throwing shoulder; Kind of boring


2) Colt McCoy

Strengths: Named after a horse; Soothing southern drawl; Good athlete/deceptively fast; Lots of TD passes in college; Good Christian young man

Weaknesses: Mainly played as a shotgun QB in college; Named after a horse; Extreme favoritism (Pretty much exclusively threw to Jordan Shipley in college)


3) Jimmy Clausen

Strengths: Best QB in his family; Played NFL style offense; Quick release; umm... non-discriminatory:


Weaknesses: Bad in bar fights; Consistently loses football games (not a goal of most teams); resembles an ostrich if it was on The Jersey Shore



4) Tim Tebow

Strengths: Performs circumcisions; strong moral character; athletic; "intangibles"; against abortion; good christian young man; probably a republican; smart

Weaknesses: "Tangibles" (i.e. passing and other stuff QBs are expected to do well); Hugs his coaches too much and for an uncomfortable period of time


5) Jonathan Crompton

Strengths: Believes he will get drafted

Weaknesses: Delusional


6) Tony Pike

Strengths: I hear Canada's hiring

Weaknesses: I have no idea. Who watches Cincinnati football?



Position - WR

1) Dez Bryant

Strengths: Fast; Strong; good jumper; good hands

Weaknesses: Suspended in 2009 for talking to Deion Sanders - a just punishment


2) Golden Tate

Strengths: From middle Tennessee area; good hands; fast; Name's Golden; not much competition for WRs in this draft

Weaknesses: Only 5'10"; consistently loses with Jimmy Clausen; attended Catholic high school and catholic college so he probably drinks too much and sleeps with everyone

3) Marshwan Gilyard

Strengths: I don't know. He's the only other receiver I can think of that may get drafted and I'm not going to google it

Weaknesses: Spell check does not recognize first or last name; fumbling


Position - RB

1) CJ Spiller

Strengths: Extremely fast/quick runner; good receiver/return man; Will benefit greatly in the draft from Chris Johnson having a monster year; 2nd best RB in college football this year

Weaknesses: He's a little bitty guy; Could fit under Terrance Cody's left breast


2) Jonathan Dwyer

Strengths: Bigger/stronger than Spiller; Pretty much the ideal build for a good NFL running back... 5 years ago

Weaknesses: Not a threat to catch the ball and let's face it - that's big in the NFL; Apparently he gained a lot of weight before his senior year and in the words of Dean Wormer in Animal House "fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life."


3) Jahvid Best

Strengths: Strong; fast and in my opinion he was the best running back when he was playing his best

Weaknesses: He didn't play his best very often so he really wasn't all that impressive


4) Dexter McCluster

Strengths: Absolutely torched the Volunteers; very fast and a good runner

Weaknesses: Played along side Jevan Snead so he probably just looked like a good football player in comparison; Spent most of his college career splitting carries with guys that were not as good as him


5) Toby Gerhart

Strengths: He is a good running back... for a white guy

Weaknesses: See strengths


6) Monterio Hardesty

Strengths: Guy is strong; durable, powerful runner; Carried UT offense when Jonathan Crompton was playing terrible; Eddie Georgey minus the inexplicable tripping after two yards

Weaknesses: Almost named after a state in Canada; In my opinion he doesn't turn the corner well (or maybe he just never had to); he also runs standing straight up which can probably get you killed in the NFL


Position - Defense (I'm getting tired of typing)

1) Ndomukou Suh

Strengths: Big; strong; fast; smart; carried his team; just about everything

Weaknesses: I don't think that is how you spell his name


2) Eric Berry

Strengths: Strong; fast ; doesn't make mistakes; play maker; great tackler; returns interceptions for TDs;

Weaknesses: Stupid unoriginal Heisman campaign videos


3) Joe Haden

Strengths: Same as Eric berry, but not as good.

Weaknesses: Slower and not as good as Eric Berry; Maybe the Redskins will draft him. That's a good fit


4) Brandon Spikes

Strength: Pretty much everything you could want in an inside linebacker - Fast (4.6 40 time); strong; good size; stuff running lanes better than any other LB in college

Weakness: How can I put this... He cheats by gouging players eyes


5) Rico McCoy

Strengths: As good of an ILB as as Brandon Spikes is as an OLB; was never caught on camera sticking his fingers in the eyes of other players

Weaknesses: He only weighs 218 so he will likely need steroids


6) Terrance Cody

Strengths: I hear he can block low field goals; good in run defense and requires a double team from the O line;

Weaknesses: Bacon; mayonnaise; won't be able to play more than 2 downs in a series in the NFL; gynocomastia; couldn't get to the QB in less than 15 seconds without a motorized vehicle; life expectancy;


So there they are - The players I remember from college last year that I think will get drafted. Boy - when I type it out like that it really loses some of its sparkle.

And the Oscar Goes to.... Paul Blart

The Oscar nominations were released in the last week or so and if you are hoping for my typical glib cynicism, I've got bad news for you. The academy actually got some things right this year. Not like last year. Slumdog Millionaire my undercarriage. Last years nominations were terrible. I assumed this year would be no different with the exception of the academy upping the nominations for best film to 10 this year leaving room for 2 more sucky, depressing films with no point (I see you hiding in the back of the room, The Reader). Anyway this years nominations were pretty good. At least the movies I saw. It would have been kind of hard to see most of the nominees because the movie theaters were all showing Paul Blart Mall Cop and Tyler Perry's Madea can Poop Her Pants in Prison on 7 different screens so they couldn't bother showing The Messenger. I will give someone 10 million imaginary dollars if they move the Belcourt Theater to my city.

Anyway I have to say that from the movies I have seen on the lists that matter - they are all pretty good and some even border on fantastic. But this essay being what it is - it won't all be peaches 'n cream. So buckle up, kiddies. It's gonna be a bumpy ride... kind of like your mom.

Best Picture: This is easily the most important category in the Oscars. As previously mentioned this year's category was increased to 10 nominations. hey probably only needed four, but you know... That's America for you. Need 4? Take 10. The nominees are -

The Blind Side - I saw this movie in the theater because my wife wanted to go and she is pregnant. Listen I know its a good story, but I found the movie pretty cheesy. All I heard was people (men too) saying the movie was so good and they cried. I did almost cry... every scene that took place in the ghetto. Bad acting... BAD. Even Sandra Bullock pulling a gun on one of those mean ole thugs. That's right. Sandra Bullock successfully tough talked a comically bad stereotype. And neither my wife nor I cried. I repeat - a pregnant woman didn't cry. If you are a man, and you cried in that movie - I will punch you in the face.

District 9 - Didn't see it but it's about aliens. So could it possibly be the best film of the year? The answer is no. So why nominate it? I'm guessing people still feel stupid for that Lord of the Rings nonsense and they are still trying to convince themselves Peter Jackson is awesome.

An Education - Didn't see it and don't know what it is about. It gets a pass because it has Peter Saarsgard in it. Dude can act. Check him out in The Salton Sea, Into the Electric Mist or (If you don't mind gay/bi/curiousness) The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.

Precious - Poverty, incest rape, illiteracy. The feel good movie of the year. If you gave me a choice between seeing this movie or sitting on a white hot metal poker, I'd be throat deep on burning steel before you even finished the sentence. This movie was nominated out of guilt.

Up - Animated movies suck. Yes even Shrek.

Up in the Air - Didn't see it. Heard good things. I'll put it in my netflix queue and get it by the time it comes on TBS.

A Serious Man - A Coen Brothers movie that was not in a theater anywhere near me. Thanks, Tyler Perry

Inglourious Basterds - This movie was awesome. No argument here. Saw it in the theater and it was worth the money. Christoph Waltz was pretty amazing. Didn't have to be as long as it was, but I will watch it again.

The Hurt Locker - THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN... on my TV. You know why I didn't see it in theaters? That's right. It wasn't in a theater in Tennessee. Thanks, Kevin James. Hands down the best movie of the year. The best movie of my generation. If it doesn't win it will be a shame.

Avatar - I'm the one that didn't see this movie. And do you know why? Because it looked STUPID. Stupid... but in 3D. And I don't care. You know what else is in 3D? Life. I walk through life looking at 3D stuff all day. Oh hey look. It looks like that tree is coming right at me. Crazy, right? Whether it a tree of a 12 foot blue cat, I'm not too impressed with the fact that something looks like it is coming at me. Apparently everyone else in the country disagrees with me. But you can all suck it because I'm right.



Best Lead Actor Nominees:

Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart - Didn't see it, but Jeff Bridges is a good actor. And I think the role of grizzled alcoholic country singer was written for him. But whatever - it looks boring.

George Clooney - Up in the Air - Same review as above, but replace "grizzled alcoholic country singer" with "guy who goes to different cities and sleeps with women."

Colin Firth - A Single Man - More like A Disappointed Man on Oscar night. Amiright? (High fives self)

Morgan Freeman - Invictus - I will now refer to my previous review of Invictus - It would have been better if something had happened. Now I know it's not up for best picture, but really - how can you focus on anyone's acting whilst sleeping through this abortion?

Jeremy Renner - The Hurt Locker - Let's hope he wins. I mean he was definitely no 12 foot blue cat, but still. Give the guy a break (PS - Best movie ever).

Sam Rockwell - Moon - What's that? He didn't get nominated? Did anyone see how good he was in Moon? No? Oh, I see what happened. Thanks, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.


Best Supporting Actor:

Matt Damon - Invictus - Who knew rugby players didn't have a personality. This movie was awful. Don't even rent it. Rent Precious instead.

Woody Harrelson - The Messenger - It looked like a good movie. I missed it the two days it was playing in Nashville. Does anyone remember White Men Can't Jump? That was a good movie. What ever happened to the other guy in that movie?

Two other guys - Fart Noise


Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Batsreds - He's a lock in this category. In fact he should have won the lead actor. He was that intense. And t's pretty much between him and a guy that was in a movie called Surfer, Dude this year. Woody Harrelson will be too high to attend anyway.


Zach Galifanakis - The Hangover - Technically not nominated, but the guy was funny. He should have been nominated. In fact it was the funniest movie I saw this year and he was the only funny person in it. So he wins my Oscar. And here to accept the award on his behalf - The Easter Bunny.


Actress in a Leading Role:

Yikes

That's pretty much all that matters. There is a documentary category, but other than Food, Inc - it doesn't even come close to worth mentioning. At least there is no Michael Moore, right?

Conan O'Brien - You Have My Support

I don't take a stand on too many things. You will rarely see me dig my heels in the ground out of principle. It's not really the kind of guy I am (i.e. one with principles). But there is one thing that has recently crawled right under my skin like a pack of wild aboriginal chiggers. Now I have to admit - I tend to overreact when people get credit for being funny when I seem to be the only person that realizes they are not (I'm looking at you, Flight of the Conchords). Equally as frustrating is when someone that is down right hilarious gets no credit for being funny in an industry where funny people are as about as prevalent as virgins.

NBC executives are all but forcing Conan O'Brien to leave The Tonight Show. A show that had been previously hosted by Jay Leno for 17 years. If you are keeping score at home that is 17 years without one funny thing being uttered on The Tonight Show stage. And then someone that is actually very funny gets to host it and NBC cans him within 7 months. And to exacerbate the situation who do they replace him with? Jay Leno. Jay Leno who had previously been (generously) given a slot before The Tonight Show and whose ratings have been awful. Recently his show was getting trounced by a show called Castle. I have never heard of Castle, but unless it stars Danny DeVito building a sand castle, I can't imagine it is very good.

And I have a theory on why Jay Leno's show tanked. He is not funny. Now I know there are plenty of cases where shows that are supposed to be funny succeed even though they aren't funny such as - Sex and the City, Frasier, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I also have a theory about how this happens, but it has to do with sorcery and I can't prove it.

Now what really gets me about the shows is that they aren't funny despite having an army of "comedy" writers on staff getting paid to think of funny things. How can 12 "comedy" writers sitting in a room not think of one funny idea and I can write these comedy nuggets alone on my lunch break? And I don't get paid dookie for this thing. I do it for the love of making the four people that read this potentially giggle. But I'm easily motivated too. I once tried to eat 50 hard boiled eggs after I watched Cool Hand Luke.

But Conan O'Brien was the exception to the rule of late/tonight shows. He was funny. And not just his monologue. He was actually funny when he was just talking to guests or his band or whoever. He was just a funny guy. And he found success because people recognized this. Most of the other talk show hosts are terrible (Craig Ferguson is pretty funny). And now The Tonight Show will be terrible again too.

Again - I normally do not care if a show is not funny. But what really irritates me is (much like "comedy" writers) there are people that are hired to make good decisions. These are executives at NBC deciding to take a funny guy off the air and replace him with the H1N1 of comedy. How do these people get to their respective positions? Past job experience - bank executive. I really want to drive this point home. There are people making a lot of money to decide what shows should be on NBC. And those people have decided to take someone that is funny off the air and replace him with someone that is not funny. And presumably, these people took this job as a better opportunity than the job they previously held (seriously - I am betting bank executive). Which is obviously considered a step up on the career ladder. So they are basically being promoted despite being bad at their job.

Common sense would dictate that a person cannot fail up the corporate ladder. No one gets better job opportunities without a history of success, Right? OK except Lane Kiffin. Anyone else? I didn't think so, smart guy.

So I am taking a stand for Conan O'Brien (because clearly he needs my help). I'm not watching anything on NBC anymore. If a new sitcom comes out I will know it is not funny. And do you know how I will know? That's right. Because the person that decided to run the show also decided it was a good idea to replace Conan O'Brien with Jay Leno. And therefore that person has terrible judgment. That kind of judgment is how we end up with things like the holocaust. In fact - the only way I will watch anything on NBC from now on is if they have a show where Danny DeVito builds a sand castle (*).

*Note to self. Pitch. That. Show.