The NFL draft is nearly here and let's face it. Terrance Cody is fat. I mean really fat. Gross. Anyway I know that I will probably go undrafted again this year. I just don't understand what I have to do. Solid reps, great hands and a strong 40 time used to be enough. Now it's all political. Anyway, I guess I will rundown a few of the potential draft picks this year. Not because anyone wants my opinion, but just to give you some perspective. These people will all be millionaires in a few weeks. And you won't. Way to live up to your potential. I have split them up by position - kind of like all of your moms (collective burn).
Position - QB:
1) Sam Bradford
Strengths: Arm strength pre-injury; the fact that Oklahoma sucked without him; He happens to be a quarterback in a draft where there are no good quarterbacks; Potential franchise QB; Size (6'4")
Weaknesses: Squinty eyes limit vision (I assume); Injury to throwing shoulder; Kind of boring
2) Colt McCoy
Strengths: Named after a horse; Soothing southern drawl; Good athlete/deceptively fast; Lots of TD passes in college; Good Christian young man
Weaknesses: Mainly played as a shotgun QB in college; Named after a horse; Extreme favoritism (Pretty much exclusively threw to Jordan Shipley in college)
3) Jimmy Clausen
Strengths: Best QB in his family; Played NFL style offense; Quick release; umm... non-discriminatory:
Weaknesses: Bad in bar fights; Consistently loses football games (not a goal of most teams); resembles an ostrich if it was on The Jersey Shore
4) Tim Tebow
Strengths: Performs circumcisions; strong moral character; athletic; "intangibles"; against abortion; good christian young man; probably a republican; smart
Weaknesses: "Tangibles" (i.e. passing and other stuff QBs are expected to do well); Hugs his coaches too much and for an uncomfortable period of time
5) Jonathan Crompton
Strengths: Believes he will get drafted
Weaknesses: Delusional
6) Tony Pike
Strengths: I hear Canada's hiring
Weaknesses: I have no idea. Who watches Cincinnati football?
Position - WR
1) Dez Bryant
Strengths: Fast; Strong; good jumper; good hands
Weaknesses: Suspended in 2009 for talking to Deion Sanders - a just punishment
2) Golden Tate
Strengths: From middle Tennessee area; good hands; fast; Name's Golden; not much competition for WRs in this draft
Weaknesses: Only 5'10"; consistently loses with Jimmy Clausen; attended Catholic high school and catholic college so he probably drinks too much and sleeps with everyone
3) Marshwan Gilyard
Strengths: I don't know. He's the only other receiver I can think of that may get drafted and I'm not going to google it
Weaknesses: Spell check does not recognize first or last name; fumbling
Position - RB
1) CJ Spiller
Strengths: Extremely fast/quick runner; good receiver/return man; Will benefit greatly in the draft from Chris Johnson having a monster year; 2nd best RB in college football this year
Weaknesses: He's a little bitty guy; Could fit under Terrance Cody's left breast
2) Jonathan Dwyer
Strengths: Bigger/stronger than Spiller; Pretty much the ideal build for a good NFL running back... 5 years ago
Weaknesses: Not a threat to catch the ball and let's face it - that's big in the NFL; Apparently he gained a lot of weight before his senior year and in the words of Dean Wormer in Animal House "fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life."
3) Jahvid Best
Strengths: Strong; fast and in my opinion he was the best running back when he was playing his best
Weaknesses: He didn't play his best very often so he really wasn't all that impressive
4) Dexter McCluster
Strengths: Absolutely torched the Volunteers; very fast and a good runner
Weaknesses: Played along side Jevan Snead so he probably just looked like a good football player in comparison; Spent most of his college career splitting carries with guys that were not as good as him
5) Toby Gerhart
Strengths: He is a good running back... for a white guy
Weaknesses: See strengths
6) Monterio Hardesty
Strengths: Guy is strong; durable, powerful runner; Carried UT offense when Jonathan Crompton was playing terrible; Eddie Georgey minus the inexplicable tripping after two yards
Weaknesses: Almost named after a state in Canada; In my opinion he doesn't turn the corner well (or maybe he just never had to); he also runs standing straight up which can probably get you killed in the NFL
Position - Defense (I'm getting tired of typing)
1) Ndomukou Suh
Strengths: Big; strong; fast; smart; carried his team; just about everything
Weaknesses: I don't think that is how you spell his name
2) Eric Berry
Strengths: Strong; fast ; doesn't make mistakes; play maker; great tackler; returns interceptions for TDs;
Weaknesses: Stupid unoriginal Heisman campaign videos
3) Joe Haden
Strengths: Same as Eric berry, but not as good.
Weaknesses: Slower and not as good as Eric Berry; Maybe the Redskins will draft him. That's a good fit
4) Brandon Spikes
Strength: Pretty much everything you could want in an inside linebacker - Fast (4.6 40 time); strong; good size; stuff running lanes better than any other LB in college
Weakness: How can I put this... He cheats by gouging players eyes
5) Rico McCoy
Strengths: As good of an ILB as as Brandon Spikes is as an OLB; was never caught on camera sticking his fingers in the eyes of other players
Weaknesses: He only weighs 218 so he will likely need steroids
6) Terrance Cody
Strengths: I hear he can block low field goals; good in run defense and requires a double team from the O line;
Weaknesses: Bacon; mayonnaise; won't be able to play more than 2 downs in a series in the NFL; gynocomastia; couldn't get to the QB in less than 15 seconds without a motorized vehicle; life expectancy;
So there they are - The players I remember from college last year that I think will get drafted. Boy - when I type it out like that it really loses some of its sparkle.
