Wednesday Evening Mailbag

I took your questions and posted them here because you deserve more than just a little Facebook post so here are your questions. Thanks to everyone that sent me questions. I'm going to stop typing the word, "questions" now. 


What, in your professional opinion, should we accomplish or do before having kids?

This is sort of a tough one because kids are one of two things (the other being bowling) that if you explain what it's like to someone they will look at you like you you have a nipple growing out of your chin. And everything everyone tells you is probably completely true. It's tough to understand how you would actually enjoy being a parent on paper, and yet here we are. Having young kids absolutely changes your life, priorities and ability to go on a boat so that's something to consider, but in general people find a way to do the things they want in spite of the little snot machines. You can still go on vacations if you want to, you can still start a business and you can still read War and Peace ALLLLL despite having kids.

That being said understand that if you take an infant to the beach, when you change a dirty diaper it will turn your child's butt crack into a poop/sand cement mixer and your kid will probably just try to eat sand while you are constantly applying SPF 6000 so they don't get a sunburn. People also talk about being "financially stable" before having kids which is a nice notion, but the idea of job security is a myth these days so unless your last name is Vanderbilt, you will probably have to consider your spending habits at some point regardless of kids. People with no money raise kids all the time. I mean their kids probably end up in jail, but still. Kids won't keep you from doing anything, but they will absolutely keep it from being fun. So if you want to see wine country or eat a cobra in Thailand, it wouldn't hurt to do it before you have to play paper, rock, scissors with your spouse to see who is going to clean the puke out of the carseat. Life doesn't end when you have kids, but relaxation does.

If you could give one piece of advice, what would it be?

A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are made for so get out there and make it happen, amigo. No one is going to help you in the real word, but the good news is you probably don't need help. Just make it happen however you can - even if that means doing it for free for a while. You still have to pay bills, but money isn't hard to come by if you are motivated.

Think about this for a minute: Tyler Perry writes and acts in movies that make millions of dollars. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. This guy:

I know it's cliche, but a huge percentage of success is actually showing up, throwing on a wig, slapping on some lipstick, tucking back your... you get the point. That and not pissing your pants in front of potential investors.

So in summation, stay hydrated and avoid vague questions.

How can I defeat a 7-foot freak of nature in hand to hand combat? 

Whooboy. I am going to assume you are asking about a man here so I will focus on that, but in case it's a 7 ft woman, just say something like, "It's fine. Why are we spending time discussing this?" Women HATE that.

If it's a man, the key is to focus on the weak spots. Groin, knees, ridiculous hair. Think about anything that is illegal in MMA and do that. Speed is probably also on your side so keep it moving. Head on a swivel so to speak. Kick the back of the knee and throw that blinding dust in his eye like that chinaman did to Jean Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport. He should pretty much be ready for your finishing moves at that point. If all else fails, curl up in the fetal position with your hands over your neck and blow a rape whistle.

For advice: I increasingly dislike a number of people I'm close to that I will unfortunately have to remain in contact with for the foreseeable future (family members, business partners, my secretary, etc). I get irritated by completely inoffensive things they say and do. Is this just a phase I'm going through or is part of getting older and grumpy? Should I begin replacing these people with new relationships?

I could teach a college course on this one. Anyone paying attention is probably going have qualms with people (as a populace). I can't think of one person that I don't like personally, but people... people are stupid. People make the wrong people famous, people destroy the planet they inhabit and people believe marketing. I spend a large portion of my day in a state of bewilderment watching people buy Monster energy drinks and listening to Pitbull. I can't speak for your resentment, but I can tell you what happened to me. When I was young, I thought adults knew everything. I looked around at people working jobs and living in homes and I thought about how cool it will be to one day know everything.

Then I got older and realized there are a lot of adults are stupid. They never learned anything. The world is run by people that can barely tie their shoes. The only qualification for being an adult is getting older. Short of getting cancer or getting hit by a car almost anyone can do it. So now we sit bombarded in our everyday life by people we wouldn't trust to hamster sit. So in a sense, you are getting older and grumpier, but the good news is that it just means you are smart and self-aware enough to see the buffoonery going on around you. You can try to replace the relationships, but there is a very real possibility that you end up on a road trip with someone that makes you drive your car off a bridge. Kanye West sells out arenas and the Kardashians get TV shows. And that is the way it is for the foreseeable future. Your move, Darwin.

Why weren't you this snarky in high school?

I come from a long line of men that listen more than they talk. I don't know why people find that so unusual. It makes perfect sense to me, but it also doesn't really lend itself to getting votes for class clown. As long as I can remember I have just sort of observed things and thought everything was absurd. The short answer is that I was, but you would have had to listen to know it. Teenagers don't pick up on subtly and I have never been one to talk over people. Also, how slimy are teenagers? It's so gross.

Did you find the people who hit your car?

I did. Her name is Jen Alden and she lives in White House, TN. Her husband's name is John, and if you went to Beech High School in the early 2000s, you know him from the soccer team. It is infuriating that I am still trying to get this person to pay for what she did. The lesson here is that if you don't own anything and you hit a car in a parking lot, just drive off and don't answer the door when the cops come.

What ever happened to the 80's Christian hair band Stryper?

 They released an album in 2011 called "The Covering." Not as much critical acclaim as "To Hell with the Devil", but you have to admire the hustle.

Why can't I get no tang round here?

It goes to NASA and you aren't astronaut material.

Aggressive Homelss Man... Just Because

Well look who it is... For the first time in a while anyway. It is really hard to find time to type on the internets since I became a father and STILL had to maintain employment, which doesn't seem fair. Nevertheless here I am. And I'm here because on an infinite (4) number of occasions recently I have had someone tell me that they have personally read something I put on the internet and thought I was funny... HA! How is that for vindication? That's all I needed to hear.

I'm in a hotel room in Norcross, GA right now and I think its safe to assume that all hotel rooms have hidden cameras in them. So I am typing on my computer in hopes that whatever weirdo hotel worker is watching this gets bored and stops waiting for me to take a shower.

But in all seriousness I am going to start doing this more often. Like every day often. Or when I feel like it. So bookmark the ever-loving crap out of this page. because big laughs are coming. Don't believe me? Check this out:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a catholic priest? I didn't really have an answer for that when I started typing it so we will just agree that I came up with something hilairious about child molestation and have a good laugh. I love you all. Tune in tomorrow.

Sometimes Bad News is Just Bad News

You will have to excuse me. I don't have any idea how to deal with the feelings that stem from knowing someone that dies suddenly at 27 years old from a brain aneurysm. I wouldn't know how to act for a total stranger and I sure don't know how to deal with it when it was someone I had, at least at one time considered a friend. Granted, I haven't seen him in over a year. I didn't have his phone number and can't imagine he spent too much time thinking about me or my life anymore. Why would he? Things change and people come in and out of your life with a randomness that could only be duplicated if you gave construction paper and a marker to an epileptic blind monkey. The actual feelings that came over me when I learned a friend had died mostly manifested as sadness and fear. Sadness for a guy that didn't get to live a full life and parents that had to bury their kid. Fear because, well what if I have bury a child one day. Apparently that happens to people.

I'm not good at dealing with these things. I deal with most things by making myself laugh. I read Facebook updates about a tragedy and all I really want to do is comment on everyone's atrocious grammar (Seriously. Learn what words mean, people). Now I would never be in charge of memorializing anyone as long as there are semi-literate people that don't default to poop jokes with access to a typing machine and the interwebs. So the only thing I can really do is share what I thought about when I started thinking again after getting horrible news. So here goes. Hopefully this will make you laugh a little. Otherwise I'm going to have to fall back on the poop jokes. So if you happen to be reading this because you heard the news too and
you clicked on Craighead's picture just sitting on your couch on your computer, I hope it will make remind you of something that makes you smile for for a minute. It's too late to return the favor to Josh anyway.

The first story I remembered every time Josh's name came up, not surprisingly happened in the basketball locker room. Josh played basketball on the same HS team as me, but he was a little younger. There was always a swagger to Josh that could only be described as "smart assy." He was funny, but he was inevitably going to draw some negative attention from the older players because he didn't even remotely respect any form of hierarchy or seniority (which all seems completely logical now. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just hit some of the older guys with chairs when I was younger playing on the team). Anyway - back to him drawing negative attention. We, in the sports world had this substance called "liquid heat." It was a concentrated, watery version of icy hot that was meant to be diluted considerably and rubbed on sore muscles. Diluted, the stuff was almost unbearably hot. Undiluted and it was absolutely intolerable. At one point, I put the diluted liquid heat on my pulled groin and had to take a shower when... umm lets just say I would have been better off wearing something more supportive. But enough about my fiery junk. The stuff was potent. So potent that one member of the team, Al could not resist the urge to put the undiluted liquid heat on Josh's deodorant when he wasn't in the locker room. Now Josh, being on JV, practiced in another gym, but we were told that he spent the whole practice frantically blowing on his armpits - confused by his situation and questioning why his armpit hair hated him so much.

Obviously there were no secrets and Josh almost immediately found out what Al had done to his Old Spice. Never to be one to take anything lying down - (cut to) a post-game later in the week when we were getting dressed after our showers in the locker room (stay focused, ladies. Yes - I showered and yes I looked amazing). We are all talking and minding our own business when suddenly Al stopped. He looked in both directions and his face got red. he screamed something to the effect of, "Craighead, YOU IDIOT!" Then he ripped through his underwear like Lou Ferrigno ripped through a pair of dungarees, ran into the shower, turned the water on cold and stayed under it for the next 20 minutes letting the cold water rinse away the molten liquid heat concentrate. Josh Craighead had poured liquid heat concentrate on the underwear of a guy that was literally twice his size, knowing the whole time that there would be no doubt who was responsible. I hate to laugh when a friend suffers, but I do have that male genetic trait that secretly wishes he could watch people getting hurt all day. Actually I pretty much spend my whole day fighting the urge to trip people, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that it was the funniest thing I have ever seen happen in front of me (and I've seen your mother dance). Anytime Josh's name is brought up - I immediately think about that night, Josh blowing on his armpits in lay-up drills, Al's pain and all of the other laughs I had with or at Josh's expense.

I know this isn't really funny. I, at one point or another worked with Josh, played basketball with Josh and probably envied Josh in a lot of ways. He died for no apparent reason, which I guess just happens sometimes. I know there are a lot of people that will miss him. I wasn't very close to him recently, but that doesn't really change the memories that come up when someone says his name. I have known a whole lot of people that wouldn't strike one memory in my brain. I guess all we can really do when someone dies is remember them. Which kind of sucks, but then again it could always be worse. Your name could be Richard Head or something.


(My apologies to Cortland Finnegan for using his picture with Josh below. Maybe if he would just play football and stop trying to prove how scrappy and tough he is by getting fines and acting like he hasn't ever tackled anyone, I wouldn't have used it).

The Devil Likes Syrup With His Waffle

2 redboxes... 2 were out of order. I was going to rent whatever movie I wanted while my wife was in the car. But since we rented a movie "on demand" Megan got her say and we are now watching "No Strings Attached." I don't think I am reaching when I say that "on demand" doesn't apply to this movie any more than it applies to my first job as a submarine sandwich artist at a popular Northeastern food chain. As it turns out, while I want to see a documentary on Bill Hicks - my wife wants to see Ashton Kutcher's ass cheeks and horrible acting. I have been looking for an opportunity to update this thing anyway.

As I type this I have a decision to make. Am i going to knock your socks off with a political deposition on how the ACLU is not actually protecting your civil liberties, nor are your civil liberties as you probably see them even remotely good for your/society's well being? I could. And I will, but not tonight. Not after 3 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales, a Miller Lite and a Shiner Bock at South Street.

No tonight I feel justified. I have recently discovered that there are others out there like me - that think of the same things I think about. Filmdrunk.com's blogger has asked his readers to submit personal Glenn Danzig stories... and they have responded. People have written into his blog with their real life encounters with Glenn Danzig - and they blow my mind.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "Dean, what do you want with stories about devil worshiping punk/metal rock star and why do you care how he interacts with his fans?" The answer is simple - I have no idea. I don't really have an opinion on The Misfits and Danzig is an outlet for angry trench-coat wearing kids. At the same tiime, I'm a christian that will be at church tomorrow morning and believes Glenn Danzig - at least at this point - will spend eternity in a very real Hell. However, I do know WHEN my interest in creepers acting normal started. It started several years ago when I was watching a TV show that I wouldn't admit to watching and learned that Marilyn Manson was dating... someone. That's when I realized that people that are famous for stirring the pot, shocking people with their disregard for social norms and general anti-social behavior, have a normal side to their life.

I started to wonder what these people were like in everyday settings. I mean really - Marilyn Manson doesn't wear make up all of the time. He woke up in the morning and probably had to eat something (I can only hope Fruit Loops) for breakfast. And where is the "on" swtich. Did he walk out of his front door picking his nose only to realize someone is looking at him and immediately break into a power strut and Jesus-hating scowl? People have interactions with Glenn Danzig outside of his performances. He goes to the grocery store and buys his favorite brand of soft drink and checks the date on the milk. And then later that night he adorns his eyeliner and screams about Satan and "thinking for yourself." He shops for clothes. Did your head just explode? He probably literally goes into a strip mall and heads straight for the black shirts.

I don't know why, but as a self proclaimed expert on human behavior (shut up - I am) I can't help but wonder when Anton Levay was vulnerable. When he discovered he was out of creamer after he made a pot of coffee, did he think to himself, "what would my followers think? My minions! They can't hear of this!" I bet being an evil free thinker is exhausting. I'm glad I don't have that pressure. I would suck at it. Some photographer would catch me holding a chocolate milk, renting a Pixar movie at a redbox and it would be curtains for my reputation.

I can't really figure out how to end this post. I think that is about it, but I also feel like no one will understand what I mean. Think about it this way: Trent Reznor has, at some point in his life had explosive diarrhea. The guy responsible for "Pretty Hate Machine" was at the complete mercy of his bowels. "Head Like A Hole" is still a pretty solid song, but you have to find humor in the fact that no matter how seriously you take yourself - you will at some point puke. And that makes you weak and gross and vulnerable.

I guess the strangest part of all of this is watching people buy into personas. I mean - how can anyone justify idolizing a musician, actor or blogger (hint, hint) when said person would be accutely aware of all of his/her idol's wierdness/grossness within just one day as a fly on the wall of their life. It's equivalent to hearing a vice president talk when he doesn't know his microphone is on. He could have graduated from an Ivy League school, but in that moment - he is uneducated redneck.

Hopefully this doesn't read like nonsense. It may, but it's better than anything you have thought of today. Unless you happen to look at my facebook photos and wonder how I got so handsome. In that case - you shouldn't be wasting your time reading this. Get back over to those photos and admire my sexxxy dimples. Sweet dreams, cupcake. AAAAAHHHHH! (Note: I really didn't know how to end this post)

Not Since Babe Ruth...

...has someone called his shot and followed through with such testicular fortitude. Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes (side note: your mom's nickname in high school) this past weekend and apparently absolutely followed through with the promise he made last week: "They won't be asking me to host again." Now I know what you're thinking; "What' a golden globe?" Apparently it can be defined as a roomful of humorless, self-serving morons that don't feel that they should be held accountable for their actions.

Now I wouldn't describe myself as a huge Ricky Gervais fan. I couldn't name two movies he has been in or one that I liked. The office was funny prior to jumping the shark, but I never had any reason to give the guy a second look. That is until he sat in a room full of his peers, looked them directly in the face and tore them to pieces. Watch the monologue if you think I'm exaggerating - and even if you know I don't exaggerate (I am that sexy), watch it. I'll wait. Ok, if you can't click a link I will give you some of my favorite quotes:

On 3-D: “It was a big year for 3-D movies. Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron. It seems like everything this year was three-dimensional — except the characters in The Tourist. I tell you what, I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't even seen The Tourist. Who has?

But it must be good because it's nominated, so shut up, OK? And I'd like to crush this ridiculous rumor that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the foreign press of could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That was not the only reason; they also accepted bribes.”

On SJP et al: “There were a lot of big films that didn’t get nominated this year – nothing for Sex and the City 2. I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster.”

On Scientologists who shall not be named: “Also not nominated, I Love You Phillip Morris. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then. My lawyers helped with that joke.”

On Robert Downey Jr.: “He’s the star of Iron Man, Two Girls and a Guy, Wonderboys. Sorry, are these porn films? Kiss Kiss (Bang Bang), Bowfinger. Really! Up the Academy. He has done all those films, but many of you in this room probably know him from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail.”

On Rambo: “The next presenter is a true Hollywood icon. In ten of the biggest blockbusters of all time, he has shown his extraordinary acting versatility. He has played a boxer … and Rambo. Please welcome Sylvester Stallone!”

On the elderly: “Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing! I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in.”


And the reactions?

Robert Downey Jr.: Called the show “hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones.”

Harvey Weinstein: “Knowing that Ricky Gervais will never work again means a lot to me. I’m going to make sure of it.

HFPA President Philip Berk (the one with the false teeth): “He definitely crossed the line, and some of the things were totally unacceptable. But that’s Ricky. Any of the references to individuals is certainly not something the Hollywood Foreign Press condones.”


The HFPA in their infinite wisdom decided that he will not be invited back to the Golden Globes. Like a 3rd grader that thought he was fouled on the playground, they took their ball and went home.

Ahem...An excerpt from Robert Downey Jr.'s wikipedia page:

From 1996 through 2003, Downey was arrested numerous times on drug-related charges and went several times through drug treatment programs unsuccessfully, explaining in 1999 to a judge: "It's like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and my finger's on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gunmetal."[16] He also explained his relapses by claiming to be addicted to drugs since the age of eight; his father was giving them to him as he was also an addict.[17]

In April 1996, Downey was arrested for possession of heroin, cocaine and an unloaded .357-caliber Magnum handgun, while he was speeding down Sunset Boulevard. A month later, when on parole, he trespassed into a neighbor's home while under the influence of a controlled substance, falling asleep in one of the beds.[18][19] He was sentenced to three years of probation and required to undergo mandatory drug testing. In 1997 he missed one of the court-ordered drug tests and had to spend four months in the Los Angeles County jail. When Downey missed another required drug test in 1999, he was arrested once more. Despite Downey's lawyer, John Stewart Holden, assembling for his client's 1999 defense the same team of lawyers that successfully defended O. J. Simpson during his criminal trial for murder,[17] Downey was sentenced to a three-year prison term at the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility and State Prison in Corcoran, California (a.k.a. "Corcoran II").

Ssshhhhh. Don't talk about that. He won't want to hear that.

This guy was a complete menace that should still be locked up for everything he did. There is no way Robert Downey Jr. should be anywhere in public other than a well supervised area of the Red Light District. But he was in Iron Man. What a comeback.

The whole thing is so infuriating. I will give you one category and the nominees:

Best Motion Picture: Comedy or Musical
Alice and Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids are Alright
Red
The Tourist

So it's ok for the HFPA to laugh at The Tourist, but Ricky Gervais can't? Pretty hypocritical if you ask me.

All I'm saying is this - actors are stupid. They pretend for a living. And they are shocked when people aren't kissing their asses or treating them like their jobs are important. I hate you, Hollywood. I wish Hollywood was just made up of Ricky Gervais and Dennis Leary. That being said, let's never mention any of these people again.

The Reason Email Was Invented

Ok, to make up for yesterday's (or the day before... I seriously can't even remember anymore) pathetic attempt at a post, I'm going to treat you to an email I received from a former colleague/current friend today. This friend and I got the ol' heave-ho from our last employer in the same day. I literally remember walking out of the bosses office and hearing said colleague's phone ring to be called in. Anyway, he took a sabbatical when I had actually been looking for a job. Consequently he is still living off of our former employer's unemployment insurance. Which is why he has time to email me little gems like this:

I woke up this morning at the crack of 9:30. As I passed the mirror on the way to empty my beer inflated bladder I noted a few things. There was a unfamiliar stain on my wife beater. So I straightened up the sweat pants I had on (3rd day in a row and holding steady) and leaned in to observe the discoloration of my week old, sleeveless, ripped, Fruit-of-the-Loom dandy. But alas, as I was doing this I noticed an orange tint to my teeth and realized I had fallen asleep with a half eaten Cheese Curl in my mouth, while watching Get Rich Quick in Real Estate no less. I suppose at some point I dropped the bag of Curls from my death grip, rolled over in my sleeping bag (sold all the furniture), and squashed the Curls into a left over pizza box, where one lonely pepperoni conspired with the Cheese Curls to form a messy mustard color on the 'ol tank top. Anyway, I laughed it off, noticed the hair needed no combing since it had attained a permanent sideways skew, adjusted the rabbit ears on the black and white, and proceeded to start the morning off right by making myself some homemade toast and watching "The Mid Day News".

It's day 160 and I'm living the solid life!

Meh...

It's been a little too long. Let's just say I've been on paternity leave. And by that I mean I've been too lazy to type out my thoughts and since my daughter was born I have an excuse to skip out on ANYTHING. Being a dad is pretty incredible, but I'm not here to gush about how much better my daughter is than anything in your family tree (U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi...). I hate when people think you want to hear all about their kids. I don't care and your kid sucks (ed. note - your kid does not suck and I don't hate him/her. I'm just not sure I care about little Timmy's teething). No as it where I'm sitting on my couch with my B.A. wife and awesome daughter sleeping next to me. I'm trying to watch Repo Men because it came in Netflix but Jude Law is distractingly skinny. It's like his head is wider than his tiny shoulders. He's like a weeny little cotton swab. He's not even a bad actor, but he's always in terrible movies. I think it has a direct correlation to the width of his shoulders. He's also not believable as a straight man. And in the first 5 minutes, this movie is stupid.
I do want to take this opportunity to say that on October 7th, Band of Horses is playing Live on the Green and if you are in the Nashville area and don't go to a free Band of Horses concert I will fight you. Now I'll be the first to admit I don't ever know what the cool kids are listening to these days. I just can't keep up with it. Consequently my musical taste could generally be described as "weepy bearded white guys" (i.e. your mom's last three one night stands). But whether or not you judge bands by the lead singer's facial hair, Band of Horses makes sweet, gentle, lubed up Isaac Hayes love to my ear drums. You would be stupid to miss this show. Full listing of shows here.
OK, I know this was short and probably a little disappointing (i.e. why your mom left your dad), but I'm about three glasses into a bottle of red wine and can't even pretend to care about anything on the internet. Besides I'm going to take the rest of this movie to try and figure out which of Forest Whitaker's eyes is actually looking at me.

Love, me.

The Art of Direction

There would be no point in trying to express how life changes when you realize you are going to have a child. It wouldn't matter what I said. Unless you are or have been in this position, you wouldn't get it. It's not just curiosity and it's not just happiness. It's also not just crap-your-pants fear although all of these things are definitely present. Everything you do and think about changes.

I'll give you an example - I have never spent an enormous amount of time on the internet. Generally speaking I use a computer at work so when I get home, I want to be on a computer about as much as I want to be in a crowded country music concert (that's not much). However the time I use to spend on the internet revolved around ESPN.com or various websites that post funny youtube videos of people falling or getting hit with things. Now if you were to bust down my door and catch me on the computer, you would probably catch me shamefully searching the Paisley and Posises website. There is more pink in my house than I ever imagined there would be (which was none).

Probably the biggest change is how much I actually think about how I'm going to raise this little girl. I mean kids are stupid. I am going to have to make sure she gets on the right track. The phrase "what if" runs through my mind approximately every 17 seconds. On man. There are so many ways this kid could make terrible decisions. And then I think of how I am going to effectively steer her back on the track to awesomeness and success. Observe...

WHAT IF MCKENNA WANTS TO MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD?

Ugh. Hollywood is full of the dumbest and worst people on Earth. Consider this: Will.I.Am is getting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. You know who else just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Dennis Hopper. That's right. The guy from Easy Rider and Hoosiers just got his star. All he had to do to get it is die of butt cancer. Conversely - Will.I.Am gets one for making terrible music that could be considered societal cancer. Daniel Day Lewis is the greatest actor of the last 30 years. He is scarily good. He doesn't have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. I'll give you a minute to clean the puke off of your keyboard.

So how do I stop her? I'm not one to squash someone's dream. I mean if she feels compelled to entertain people - I can't stop her, can I? Of course I can. I just need to think of a polite way to say, "Not if you want to stay my daughter."

WHAT IF MCKENNA IS A Weirdo?

You know the kid. That creeper in your elementary school class that pulled all of the peperoni off of their slice of pizza and then ate the pizza and the peperoni separate. I hate that kid. Everyone hates that kid. Some people tolerate that kid because the kid is a crier and if you say anything like - "stop being weird, you little... ugh - weirdo" he/she is gonna cry and you will get in trouble. What if that is McKenna? What if she collects twist ties and rubber bands for no reason or reads the dictionary for fun? How am I going to stop my own daughter from being an antisocial freak?

I'm not sure how to delicately explain that growing up is hard enough anyway. There is no reason to make life harder by doing things that all but guarantee your place at the dorky lunch table. I think I will just steal the twist ties and replace them with a basketball or something. Subtlety was never my strong suit.

WHAT IF MCKENNA brings home a wankster?

I realize she will likely date before I die. Despite my best efforts some little snot faced boy is going to walk through my front door and eat food paid for with my hard earned money, watch TV on my couch and try to court my daughter. This kid will already be behind the 8 ball. I already want to kick this kid and he may not even be born yet.

But what if he is a thug? I am going to try and describe this kid as well as I can. For the sake of this essay, just assume the future cultural equivalent of the examples I give. I know people will dress differently in 15-20 years. What if this kid walks through my door with a flat-billed LA hat and an Affliction t-shirt? Is it my place to tell my daughter she can't date someone because of how they dress? Damn right. Now pull your pants up, son. You can come back when I can't see your boxers.


You get the idea. These are the things that run through my head all of the time. I'm pretty sure I will figure it out as these things come up. If not I will always just fall back on locking my daughter in her room until she is 18. That should do the trick.

The NFL Draft is (Almost) Upon Us.

Uu


The NFL draft is nearly here and let's face it. Terrance Cody is fat. I mean really fat. Gross. Anyway I know that I will probably go undrafted again this year. I just don't understand what I have to do. Solid reps, great hands and a strong 40 time used to be enough. Now it's all political. Anyway, I guess I will rundown a few of the potential draft picks this year. Not because anyone wants my opinion, but just to give you some perspective. These people will all be millionaires in a few weeks. And you won't. Way to live up to your potential. I have split them up by position - kind of like all of your moms (collective burn).

Position - QB:

1) Sam Bradford

Strengths: Arm strength pre-injury; the fact that Oklahoma sucked without him; He happens to be a quarterback in a draft where there are no good quarterbacks; Potential franchise QB; Size (6'4")

Weaknesses: Squinty eyes limit vision (I assume); Injury to throwing shoulder; Kind of boring


2) Colt McCoy

Strengths: Named after a horse; Soothing southern drawl; Good athlete/deceptively fast; Lots of TD passes in college; Good Christian young man

Weaknesses: Mainly played as a shotgun QB in college; Named after a horse; Extreme favoritism (Pretty much exclusively threw to Jordan Shipley in college)


3) Jimmy Clausen

Strengths: Best QB in his family; Played NFL style offense; Quick release; umm... non-discriminatory:


Weaknesses: Bad in bar fights; Consistently loses football games (not a goal of most teams); resembles an ostrich if it was on The Jersey Shore



4) Tim Tebow

Strengths: Performs circumcisions; strong moral character; athletic; "intangibles"; against abortion; good christian young man; probably a republican; smart

Weaknesses: "Tangibles" (i.e. passing and other stuff QBs are expected to do well); Hugs his coaches too much and for an uncomfortable period of time


5) Jonathan Crompton

Strengths: Believes he will get drafted

Weaknesses: Delusional


6) Tony Pike

Strengths: I hear Canada's hiring

Weaknesses: I have no idea. Who watches Cincinnati football?



Position - WR

1) Dez Bryant

Strengths: Fast; Strong; good jumper; good hands

Weaknesses: Suspended in 2009 for talking to Deion Sanders - a just punishment


2) Golden Tate

Strengths: From middle Tennessee area; good hands; fast; Name's Golden; not much competition for WRs in this draft

Weaknesses: Only 5'10"; consistently loses with Jimmy Clausen; attended Catholic high school and catholic college so he probably drinks too much and sleeps with everyone

3) Marshwan Gilyard

Strengths: I don't know. He's the only other receiver I can think of that may get drafted and I'm not going to google it

Weaknesses: Spell check does not recognize first or last name; fumbling


Position - RB

1) CJ Spiller

Strengths: Extremely fast/quick runner; good receiver/return man; Will benefit greatly in the draft from Chris Johnson having a monster year; 2nd best RB in college football this year

Weaknesses: He's a little bitty guy; Could fit under Terrance Cody's left breast


2) Jonathan Dwyer

Strengths: Bigger/stronger than Spiller; Pretty much the ideal build for a good NFL running back... 5 years ago

Weaknesses: Not a threat to catch the ball and let's face it - that's big in the NFL; Apparently he gained a lot of weight before his senior year and in the words of Dean Wormer in Animal House "fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life."


3) Jahvid Best

Strengths: Strong; fast and in my opinion he was the best running back when he was playing his best

Weaknesses: He didn't play his best very often so he really wasn't all that impressive


4) Dexter McCluster

Strengths: Absolutely torched the Volunteers; very fast and a good runner

Weaknesses: Played along side Jevan Snead so he probably just looked like a good football player in comparison; Spent most of his college career splitting carries with guys that were not as good as him


5) Toby Gerhart

Strengths: He is a good running back... for a white guy

Weaknesses: See strengths


6) Monterio Hardesty

Strengths: Guy is strong; durable, powerful runner; Carried UT offense when Jonathan Crompton was playing terrible; Eddie Georgey minus the inexplicable tripping after two yards

Weaknesses: Almost named after a state in Canada; In my opinion he doesn't turn the corner well (or maybe he just never had to); he also runs standing straight up which can probably get you killed in the NFL


Position - Defense (I'm getting tired of typing)

1) Ndomukou Suh

Strengths: Big; strong; fast; smart; carried his team; just about everything

Weaknesses: I don't think that is how you spell his name


2) Eric Berry

Strengths: Strong; fast ; doesn't make mistakes; play maker; great tackler; returns interceptions for TDs;

Weaknesses: Stupid unoriginal Heisman campaign videos


3) Joe Haden

Strengths: Same as Eric berry, but not as good.

Weaknesses: Slower and not as good as Eric Berry; Maybe the Redskins will draft him. That's a good fit


4) Brandon Spikes

Strength: Pretty much everything you could want in an inside linebacker - Fast (4.6 40 time); strong; good size; stuff running lanes better than any other LB in college

Weakness: How can I put this... He cheats by gouging players eyes


5) Rico McCoy

Strengths: As good of an ILB as as Brandon Spikes is as an OLB; was never caught on camera sticking his fingers in the eyes of other players

Weaknesses: He only weighs 218 so he will likely need steroids


6) Terrance Cody

Strengths: I hear he can block low field goals; good in run defense and requires a double team from the O line;

Weaknesses: Bacon; mayonnaise; won't be able to play more than 2 downs in a series in the NFL; gynocomastia; couldn't get to the QB in less than 15 seconds without a motorized vehicle; life expectancy;


So there they are - The players I remember from college last year that I think will get drafted. Boy - when I type it out like that it really loses some of its sparkle.

And the Oscar Goes to.... Paul Blart

The Oscar nominations were released in the last week or so and if you are hoping for my typical glib cynicism, I've got bad news for you. The academy actually got some things right this year. Not like last year. Slumdog Millionaire my undercarriage. Last years nominations were terrible. I assumed this year would be no different with the exception of the academy upping the nominations for best film to 10 this year leaving room for 2 more sucky, depressing films with no point (I see you hiding in the back of the room, The Reader). Anyway this years nominations were pretty good. At least the movies I saw. It would have been kind of hard to see most of the nominees because the movie theaters were all showing Paul Blart Mall Cop and Tyler Perry's Madea can Poop Her Pants in Prison on 7 different screens so they couldn't bother showing The Messenger. I will give someone 10 million imaginary dollars if they move the Belcourt Theater to my city.

Anyway I have to say that from the movies I have seen on the lists that matter - they are all pretty good and some even border on fantastic. But this essay being what it is - it won't all be peaches 'n cream. So buckle up, kiddies. It's gonna be a bumpy ride... kind of like your mom.

Best Picture: This is easily the most important category in the Oscars. As previously mentioned this year's category was increased to 10 nominations. hey probably only needed four, but you know... That's America for you. Need 4? Take 10. The nominees are -

The Blind Side - I saw this movie in the theater because my wife wanted to go and she is pregnant. Listen I know its a good story, but I found the movie pretty cheesy. All I heard was people (men too) saying the movie was so good and they cried. I did almost cry... every scene that took place in the ghetto. Bad acting... BAD. Even Sandra Bullock pulling a gun on one of those mean ole thugs. That's right. Sandra Bullock successfully tough talked a comically bad stereotype. And neither my wife nor I cried. I repeat - a pregnant woman didn't cry. If you are a man, and you cried in that movie - I will punch you in the face.

District 9 - Didn't see it but it's about aliens. So could it possibly be the best film of the year? The answer is no. So why nominate it? I'm guessing people still feel stupid for that Lord of the Rings nonsense and they are still trying to convince themselves Peter Jackson is awesome.

An Education - Didn't see it and don't know what it is about. It gets a pass because it has Peter Saarsgard in it. Dude can act. Check him out in The Salton Sea, Into the Electric Mist or (If you don't mind gay/bi/curiousness) The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.

Precious - Poverty, incest rape, illiteracy. The feel good movie of the year. If you gave me a choice between seeing this movie or sitting on a white hot metal poker, I'd be throat deep on burning steel before you even finished the sentence. This movie was nominated out of guilt.

Up - Animated movies suck. Yes even Shrek.

Up in the Air - Didn't see it. Heard good things. I'll put it in my netflix queue and get it by the time it comes on TBS.

A Serious Man - A Coen Brothers movie that was not in a theater anywhere near me. Thanks, Tyler Perry

Inglourious Basterds - This movie was awesome. No argument here. Saw it in the theater and it was worth the money. Christoph Waltz was pretty amazing. Didn't have to be as long as it was, but I will watch it again.

The Hurt Locker - THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN... on my TV. You know why I didn't see it in theaters? That's right. It wasn't in a theater in Tennessee. Thanks, Kevin James. Hands down the best movie of the year. The best movie of my generation. If it doesn't win it will be a shame.

Avatar - I'm the one that didn't see this movie. And do you know why? Because it looked STUPID. Stupid... but in 3D. And I don't care. You know what else is in 3D? Life. I walk through life looking at 3D stuff all day. Oh hey look. It looks like that tree is coming right at me. Crazy, right? Whether it a tree of a 12 foot blue cat, I'm not too impressed with the fact that something looks like it is coming at me. Apparently everyone else in the country disagrees with me. But you can all suck it because I'm right.



Best Lead Actor Nominees:

Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart - Didn't see it, but Jeff Bridges is a good actor. And I think the role of grizzled alcoholic country singer was written for him. But whatever - it looks boring.

George Clooney - Up in the Air - Same review as above, but replace "grizzled alcoholic country singer" with "guy who goes to different cities and sleeps with women."

Colin Firth - A Single Man - More like A Disappointed Man on Oscar night. Amiright? (High fives self)

Morgan Freeman - Invictus - I will now refer to my previous review of Invictus - It would have been better if something had happened. Now I know it's not up for best picture, but really - how can you focus on anyone's acting whilst sleeping through this abortion?

Jeremy Renner - The Hurt Locker - Let's hope he wins. I mean he was definitely no 12 foot blue cat, but still. Give the guy a break (PS - Best movie ever).

Sam Rockwell - Moon - What's that? He didn't get nominated? Did anyone see how good he was in Moon? No? Oh, I see what happened. Thanks, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.


Best Supporting Actor:

Matt Damon - Invictus - Who knew rugby players didn't have a personality. This movie was awful. Don't even rent it. Rent Precious instead.

Woody Harrelson - The Messenger - It looked like a good movie. I missed it the two days it was playing in Nashville. Does anyone remember White Men Can't Jump? That was a good movie. What ever happened to the other guy in that movie?

Two other guys - Fart Noise


Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Batsreds - He's a lock in this category. In fact he should have won the lead actor. He was that intense. And t's pretty much between him and a guy that was in a movie called Surfer, Dude this year. Woody Harrelson will be too high to attend anyway.


Zach Galifanakis - The Hangover - Technically not nominated, but the guy was funny. He should have been nominated. In fact it was the funniest movie I saw this year and he was the only funny person in it. So he wins my Oscar. And here to accept the award on his behalf - The Easter Bunny.


Actress in a Leading Role:

Yikes

That's pretty much all that matters. There is a documentary category, but other than Food, Inc - it doesn't even come close to worth mentioning. At least there is no Michael Moore, right?

Conan O'Brien - You Have My Support

I don't take a stand on too many things. You will rarely see me dig my heels in the ground out of principle. It's not really the kind of guy I am (i.e. one with principles). But there is one thing that has recently crawled right under my skin like a pack of wild aboriginal chiggers. Now I have to admit - I tend to overreact when people get credit for being funny when I seem to be the only person that realizes they are not (I'm looking at you, Flight of the Conchords). Equally as frustrating is when someone that is down right hilarious gets no credit for being funny in an industry where funny people are as about as prevalent as virgins.

NBC executives are all but forcing Conan O'Brien to leave The Tonight Show. A show that had been previously hosted by Jay Leno for 17 years. If you are keeping score at home that is 17 years without one funny thing being uttered on The Tonight Show stage. And then someone that is actually very funny gets to host it and NBC cans him within 7 months. And to exacerbate the situation who do they replace him with? Jay Leno. Jay Leno who had previously been (generously) given a slot before The Tonight Show and whose ratings have been awful. Recently his show was getting trounced by a show called Castle. I have never heard of Castle, but unless it stars Danny DeVito building a sand castle, I can't imagine it is very good.

And I have a theory on why Jay Leno's show tanked. He is not funny. Now I know there are plenty of cases where shows that are supposed to be funny succeed even though they aren't funny such as - Sex and the City, Frasier, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I also have a theory about how this happens, but it has to do with sorcery and I can't prove it.

Now what really gets me about the shows is that they aren't funny despite having an army of "comedy" writers on staff getting paid to think of funny things. How can 12 "comedy" writers sitting in a room not think of one funny idea and I can write these comedy nuggets alone on my lunch break? And I don't get paid dookie for this thing. I do it for the love of making the four people that read this potentially giggle. But I'm easily motivated too. I once tried to eat 50 hard boiled eggs after I watched Cool Hand Luke.

But Conan O'Brien was the exception to the rule of late/tonight shows. He was funny. And not just his monologue. He was actually funny when he was just talking to guests or his band or whoever. He was just a funny guy. And he found success because people recognized this. Most of the other talk show hosts are terrible (Craig Ferguson is pretty funny). And now The Tonight Show will be terrible again too.

Again - I normally do not care if a show is not funny. But what really irritates me is (much like "comedy" writers) there are people that are hired to make good decisions. These are executives at NBC deciding to take a funny guy off the air and replace him with the H1N1 of comedy. How do these people get to their respective positions? Past job experience - bank executive. I really want to drive this point home. There are people making a lot of money to decide what shows should be on NBC. And those people have decided to take someone that is funny off the air and replace him with someone that is not funny. And presumably, these people took this job as a better opportunity than the job they previously held (seriously - I am betting bank executive). Which is obviously considered a step up on the career ladder. So they are basically being promoted despite being bad at their job.

Common sense would dictate that a person cannot fail up the corporate ladder. No one gets better job opportunities without a history of success, Right? OK except Lane Kiffin. Anyone else? I didn't think so, smart guy.

So I am taking a stand for Conan O'Brien (because clearly he needs my help). I'm not watching anything on NBC anymore. If a new sitcom comes out I will know it is not funny. And do you know how I will know? That's right. Because the person that decided to run the show also decided it was a good idea to replace Conan O'Brien with Jay Leno. And therefore that person has terrible judgment. That kind of judgment is how we end up with things like the holocaust. In fact - the only way I will watch anything on NBC from now on is if they have a show where Danny DeVito builds a sand castle (*).

*Note to self. Pitch. That. Show.

Merry Christmas, World. Prepare yourself.

“Are you sitting down?” I wasn’t.

“Sure. What’s up?”

I don’t want to sound jaded, but in all honesty 98% of the phone calls I get from my wife at work are less than urgent (not that it is a bad thing, but I assumed this would be no different). I have a gift of getting off the phone in less than 20 seconds so small talk such as “are you sitting down?” gets weeded out by the filter between my ears and my brain.

“I took a pregnancy test.” The record for my internal soundtrack scratched (in my head I was listening to Journey).

“Yeah?”

“It said I’m pregnant.”

I wish I could say that it all hit me right at that moment. But it didn’t. It did shock me in a “wherecanihide?” kind of way. But it didn’t completely feel real. I kind of assumed it wasn’t actually happening. It was more – “ok, there is a chance Megan is pregnant, but let’s not forget – those tests are only 99.something% accurate.” It was later explained to me that only negative tests are ever inaccurate and there is no "false positive."

5 positive pregnancy tests later it occurred to me that either Megan was pregnant or her pee is a statistical anomaly. So what now? Everything changed in that moment (literally days after I was first told of the positive pregnancy test – I’m a little slow).

My first thought after I accepted the fact that my wife is pregnant was that the only thing I knew about pregnant women is they can't drink alcohol or eat sushi. I can tell I am going to be a great father. After searching through various conflicting WebPages on pregnancy brought to me by a bing search of “what can a pregnant woman eat,” I decided that the internet is to accurate/consistent information what Allen Iverson is to a basketball team. “Whatever you do, don’t let your wife eat chocolate.” “Chocolate is okay in moderation." “Pregnant women that eat chocolate every Tuesday statistically have babies with higher IQs than those that only eat chocolate the other 6 days.” “Eating fish more than once a week COULD cause severe birth defects.” I needed someone to spell this stuff out for me in no uncertain terms. I needed accurate information and I needed to know the information came from someone that has completed medical school.

Basically, I needed to know that I wasn’t overreacting or acting like a lunatic future parent. That I won’t follow my kid around with hand sanitizer in an attempt to make sure it never gets sick. I couldn’t even ask any friends that have recently been pregnant. It was explained to me that I shouldn’t tell anyone until after the first trimester. Fortunately having nothing to say has never really been a problem for me.

What I needed was a book. Now had my brain been working even a little, I would have gone to the nearest used book store and found at least 50 books on pregnancy for under $7. IF my brain had been working. As it were the best solution I could think of to this predicament was to go to Barnes and Noble and look in the Pregnancy/Parenthood section. I hope this is no indication of the kind of decision making skills I will exemplify as a father. The pregnancy book publishers know how to exploit a first time chump like myself. They know money is no object when you have already wet your pants and tried to hang yourself because your pregnant wife tried to eat a piece of fish.

$50 for two books. $50 is more than i will pay for a pair of jeans. It is this kind of financial decision making that will doom this kid to a lifetime of ramen noodles and public school. Fortunately my better half managed to find two more books on amazon.com for less than $20.

And what did I learn for $70? I learned I am going to eat a lot of boring meals over the next 9 months... or my willpower will be crap and I will be riddled with constant guilt while my wife eats a spinach salad and I eat some rare beef and wash it down with a beer. Pregnant women cannot eat anything. No undercooked/rare anything, no soft cheese, no caffeine, no sugar, no NutraSweet, no alcohol… the list goes on and on. Basically well done meat, fruit, vegetables, water and juice (100% juice only) - that’s it. Otherwise (at least in my head) the baby will come out with three arms and a learning disorder. On second thought pass the sushi. Three arms would come in handy in so many situations.

Anyway - after one visit to the doctor I learned that pregnant women can eat most things in moderation and just because I read something in a book, doesn't mean it is 100% true. Basically just don't eat any raw meat/fish and no alcohol. So what did I really get for my $70? Let's just say I would have paid $80 if the publishers had used some lube.

Now there are plenty of books out there for men whose wives are expecting. But they all seem to consist of the same stupid jokes – i.e. “Pregnant women are always cryin’ and stuff” or “What’s with those cravings?” I learned really quickly that the truth is the only thing you can know for sure is you will know absolute dick about what you wife is going through. The best you can do is assume she is not overreacting and do whatever you can to make her comfortable and happy. Now I know what you are thinking. You think this is just setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. I would respond first by saying you should not end a sentence in a preposition. I would also completely agree with your statement (even if you sound like a 1st grader). Your wife will be taking advantage of you. You will have to rub her feet, rub her back, make dinner, get her blankets because she is freezing, get her a fan 20 minutes later because she is burning up, get her tissues when she is crying because… there will be no reason. But you don’t have to push anything out of your urethra. Guys win again!

I am not kidding. I will do whatever she wants. She is doing something that takes more courage than anything that will ever be expected of me. If you told me for 10 months my stomach would swell and at the end something the size of a watermelon would pass though my penis, I would tell you that you just described my junior year of college. But she is doing it voluntarily. In all seriousness my wife deserves whatever she wants. At least until the baby is born. And then it’s back to work. These floors aren’t going to clean themselves.

That’s enough from me. I’m not writing a book here. Mostly because I am out of jokes about pregnant women crying and/or cravings so it would never sell. I guess I will just say thank you, Megan. I will be home later to get you whatever you want.

Bobby Knight Tells It...

Bobby Knight on UK coach John Calipari:

In his speech, Knight said: “We’ve gotten into this situation where integrity is really lacking and that’s why I’m glad I’m not coaching. You see we’ve got a coach at Kentucky who put two schools on probation and he’s still coaching. I really don’t understand that.”

Bobby Knight is the best announcer in college basketball. He never knows any player's names so he just says things like, "Then they throw it to the big kid down there..." and "The slender Asian guy has really good hands." And let's not forget gems like "If I was coaching and that happened, he would run until he quit the team."

He's like Clint Eastwood calling a basketball game. I'll take it over Dick Vitale screaming like Billy Mays about a good freshman basketball player. Freshmen are the best players on the court. You know why? Because if a Sophomore, Junior or Senior was as good as the freshman, he would have been selected in last years NBA draft. So we can stop pretending it is surprising when a freshman is really good. Anyway, the above quote about John Calipari just moves Bobby Knight into my "people I would like to have dinner with" group. It's an exclusive group and he should be honored to be in it.

And I swore I wouldn't do this, but I have to say one thing about Tiger Woods. Apparently now one of the fame-loving whores has come forward with some nude photos she took of Tiger while he was passed out drunk. Tiger got them suppressed which is good, but let's focus on one thing. Women are the devil. I'm not exactly Ben Matlock, but I'm pretty sure taking naked pictures of someone when they are passed out is against the law in a lot of places (but what do I know? I live in the Bible belt). She deserves capital punishment for this. I'm not saying Tiger Woods is a good guy or deserves sympathy, but this woman should be publicly executed.

And calm down ladies. Tiger is half black and half Asian. So by my calculations those would be the most anatomically average photos in the history of celebrity privacy invasion (NO HE DI'INT! Yes he did).

Fine... Do It for the Money. Just Don't Act Happy About It

I don't necessarily like making sweeping statements. I always worry about my opinions inevitably changing. My favorite CD right now will probably irritate me in 6 months. So I can't really say it is my favorite CD. At one point in my life this would have been Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA. You see what I mean? It is this fear that keeps me from generally listing "favorites" (outside of sports teams - they don't change and if yours does... I hate you).

However until recently I would have to say my favorite working actor was probably John Cusack (sadly, John Candy has not been cast in any roles lately. I believe this is all part of Hollywood's bias against fat people). I don't really know why, but every character he has ever played in a movie just seems down-to-Earth and likable. He is believable - like someone you actually know acts this way in these situations.

All that really hits the fan today with the release of 2012. I hate movies based solely on FX. I, for one refuse to pretend that California falling into the ocean would be anything but good for the rest of the world. I hate this movie already. If I wanted to spend a couple of hours seeing terrified people run from epic disasters I would... (wait for it)... stand outside the FedEx Forum after a Grizzlies game (HOME RUN!). No plot - all Special FX. This is like the anti-John Cusack movie. Mark my words - it will suck big time.

Not to mention - have you ever seen this guy in an interview? Holy Moses, this guy thinks everything he says is important. Lighten up, man. You pretend for a living. Must Love Dogs is not culturally relevant to anything except the holiday programming schedule for the Lifetime Channel.

I think my new favorite actor is going to be Sam Rockwell. He is what John Cusack used to be - except his version of a romantic comedy - Choke. Sam Rockwell is great. If there was a movie about my life (or should I say "when"), I would slap that guy on some stilts and trust his vision for what he thought I should be. Which reminds me - Why is it that Moon opens in limited release in NY and LA, but the next giant turd by Tyler Perry (Madea Takes a Dump - if you will) will be on three screens in every theater within 100 miles of my house? I blame you America. This is all your fault.

How? No Seriously... HOW?

I have never really been one to make mistakes. I just wanted to throw that out there.

Anyway, Titan's owner Bud Adams want's Vince Young to get the start for their next game against Jacksonville. Yeah - that should help. If that doesn't work out, I hear Kyle Maynard* is available.

In other news that doesn't matter - The Boondock Saint's II - All Saint's Day comes out this weekend in theaters nowhere near me. And I'm actually glad about that. The original is so overrated. Listen - the first time I saw the Boondock Saints, I liked it ok too. Two brothers killing bad guys - sweet. But every time I have watched it since, I can't get over how bad their accents are - and they act for a living. Norman Reedus make's the lucky charms leprechaun look like Christoph Waltz. And other than Rocco - the dialogue is pretty stupid.

And if you do like this movie - I challenge you to think that after you watch a documentary on Troy Duffy titled, Overnight. If you still like the movie after that, you have no soul. Overnight should have been given the award for "Best Ending... Ever."


That's it - I'm writing a screen play. It can't be that hard. Who's with me? But I know there are enough people that liked the first installment to make this movie pretty successful. So who knows - maybe we will get a thirdqual. That would be pretty upsetting. In fact, I haven't been this upset since that publishing company passed on my book about a man that learns life lessons from a terminally ill stripper. I called it "Tuesdays with Whorrie." Who decides what is copyright infringement anyway?





*Nothing but respect for the guy. He just woundn't be a very effective QB

You Kids Better Get Off Allenby's Lawn

I recently read an article in golfweek.com where Australian golfer and Crocodile Dundee impersonator Robert Allenby criticized some Asian country's Anthony Kim (just kidding... he's American or possibly Samoan) for staying out late and having fun when he had a tee time the next morning. For SHAME!

Allenby says:

“Some guys (from the U.S.) who didn’t play well played very well today... Maybe we should all take the theory of Anthony Kim. Get home at 4 o’clock (in the morning) and then go shoot 6 under.

Allenby then called Anthony Kim the "current John Daly."

Geez. Take it easy, Wilfred Brimley. First of all, he's 24 years old. He can recover from a hangover with 3 hours of sleep and still beat Par into submission. Good for him. I remember those days. I once aced a 8 am test in college after getting home at 4 am. Sure it was a Psychology test, but come on... still pretty impressive.

Second of all what did John Daly do to you, Robert Allenby?


Kim sent a jab back to Allenby with:

“If Robert had that to say, he may need to go practice a little bit more.”

Not quite as effective as a 9 iron to the face, but I guess he is trying to be diplomatic.


In other news from around the world, Leona Lewis got punched in the face at a book signing. I don't know who that is, but judging from the picture there is at least a 50% chance it is a woman. When reached for comment Chris Brown said... "Don't look at me, dude."

Day 5: The Diet Buster

It's over. It was the bananas and soup. It was just... too much. I broke down last night. My wife agreed that soup was a terrible idea for dinner so we went for sushi. I would say I feel guilty, but in all reality - I feel so much better. So what did I learn about a crash diet?

I learned that ultimately it is much better/easier to set limitations on your everyday behavior than to go to extremes for a short period of time. I see that there is clearly a place for a diet that is this extreme. If someone has to loose a considerable amount of weight before a surgery, this would be pretty effective. And I suppose maybe I did feel pretty good, but I didn't feel bad to begin with.

I would, however say the most important lesson I learned from all of this is that black coffee sucks. I don't care how stupid I look putting cream and sugar in my coffee. Scoff at me if you want, coffee enthusiast girl at bongo java. I don't care where your beans come from. Black coffee taste like hot, bitter urine... not that I would know.

If this disappointed you and it seemed like an anti-climactic ending, well now you know how your significant other feels (boo-yaaaah!). And some people (I'm looking at you, Ann Coulter) teased me about this and thought it made me girly. I began to wonder so I reached out to a man that I know has more testosterone pumping through his veins than I do for his opinion. He could not be reached , however because as it turns out he does not exist. I'm going to go shave now and maybe pump some iron.

(flexes and kisses bicep)

Day 4: Stuck in my cabana, livin' on bananas and soup

Today I can eat bananas and soup... all day. That's it. Dunston himself did not have to deal with such a menu. Oh yeah - and I am supposed to drink all of the skim milk I can stand. After one glass, I may have hit the wall. On the bright side - I can put skim milk in my coffee... or so I thought until I did it. It doesn't look right. It looks like muddy water with a gray/depressed tint to it. I know I'm complaining a lot, but I don't want to give the idea this diet is easy or even remotely enjoyable. The plus side, as you can imagine is a supposedly "clean" body and as of this morning I have lost 6 lbs. 6 lbs in 3 days is not too bad. Now I know I will gain all of it back with the first chicken wing, but at least I know what to do a week before my next "Men of Project Management - Specific to the Sign Industry" topless calender shoot. It's an exclusive group - you probably haven't heard of it. Long waiting lists, ect, ect...

- All I have eaten today is bananas. I am actually scared to eat the soup again so I have avoided it to the point that it is 1:20pm and I have eaten 5 bananas today. I once saw Jeff Corwin throw up from eating too many bananas. I thought maybe it was faked for television, but I think I see now that it had to be real. I can feel my will power fading. I don't want dinner tonight. I just want to sleep through the next three days.

- It's almost the end of my work day and my stomach is empty. I ran out of bananas three hours ago. All I have left to eat is soup. I'll see you in hell, soup. I'd rather die than eat another bite of you. I'm not sure what tonight will bring. I'd say with any luck it will bring Armageddon (end of world, not Ben Affleck movie).

Day 3 - Fruits AND Vegetables. Slow Down, Variety. I'm Only One Man.

Day three of my drastic overhaul and today is a real treat. I can eat all of the fruits AND vegetables I want (along with the soup). Pear for breakfast because I have stopped trying. I'm also clinically losing my mind. I just tried to stir my coffee at work before I realized it was black coffee and there was nothing to stir. To be honest - I did wake up this morning immediately more alert than I typically am at 5:30am and I ran faster and longer last night than I typically like to run (to the mailbox and back). So maybe there is something to this diet, although I would never admit it. For now I will continue to complain and enjoy this black coffee - or as I like to call it, "Devil's spit." Black coffee is so gross.

- It's almost soup time. I miss meet. Meet? Did I spell that right? I can't remember anymore. Look - all I'm trying to say is that at some point someone is going to have to pay back all this government lent money.

- Lunch was a bowl of soup. It is getting pretty old (i.e. repetitive, not rotten). I had to drink enough water to wash the taste of tomato and chicken broth out of my mouth. I think I feel better, but I can't tell if I have just convinced my self of it or I really am invincible.

- If you cook a portobello mushroom in Dale's marinade - it kind of taste like meat. And more to the point... it's not soup.

Day 2: Vegetables Dipped in Resentment

Day one of seven is in the books and I'm pretty happy to be one day closer to the end of the diet. It has not really been all that bad. The soup is good enough, but I never really felt like I should stop eating. Eventually I just got bored and quit. I have discovered that the key to eating all fruits and vegetables is to stay busy so you don't think about the fact that you miss bread. Another thing I have noticed over the last 24 hours is the insane amount of exposure people have to food that is bad for us. I think every commercial on TV was about fast food, alcohol, pizza or (God help me) cheese sticks.

- Breakfast this morning created a challenge I never considered before now. There are no vegetables (other than potatoes) that you can eat by themselves for breakfast. A client at work thought he had solved my problems by - well... "Celery with peanut butter and raisins. You’ll have to sneak the peanut butter and raisins past the guards, though." A great idea. I was also maybe thinking I would have lettuce and a tomato, but try to sneak bacon past the guards. Or maybe I could have a cucumber but try and sneak in some eggs and sausage. I will settle for tomato juice instead. tomato juice... for breakfast. I was thinking maybe later I'd try to find a purse to match these shoes too (quote from J. Weber regarding weight loss via work email- 2009).

- It's 11 am and all I have had today is tomato juice. Three glasses of tomato juice and one cup of black coffee. Black coffee sucks. I'm looking forward to lunch. More soup. I brought some edamame to spice things up. I already feel lighter, but that may just be dizziness. I did look especially vibrant this morning when I woke up. I could be a model by next Sunday. So to sum up - I'm really sexy. I'll let you know how lunch goes.

- I ate one bowl of soup for lunch. I'm still hungry but I am starting to resent soup so I decided to take a break. I also just read that thousands of tropical fish died in a Russian airport this week. So I guess it could be worse. I could be a tropical fish in Russia.

- I was given coupons for free burgers from Hardees at work. Fate is a pitiless whore.

- Dinner was vegetables and - as the diet literature put it, "treat yourself to a baked potato..." Thanks, diet. I am treating myself to what constitutes as filler in most meals. Regardless it's good to have a carbohydrate. I feel like I'm done eating for the night. But do you know what really pisses me off? I got disc 6 of the final season of Deadwood from Blockbuster in the mail and do you know what it was? The Special Features! I got to learn how Ian McShane and Timothy Olyphant got into character. Screw you, overpaid clown. I want to see Bullock slap a feeble Deadwood resident and Swearengen curse out a prostitute.