The Art of Direction

There would be no point in trying to express how life changes when you realize you are going to have a child. It wouldn't matter what I said. Unless you are or have been in this position, you wouldn't get it. It's not just curiosity and it's not just happiness. It's also not just crap-your-pants fear although all of these things are definitely present. Everything you do and think about changes.

I'll give you an example - I have never spent an enormous amount of time on the internet. Generally speaking I use a computer at work so when I get home, I want to be on a computer about as much as I want to be in a crowded country music concert (that's not much). However the time I use to spend on the internet revolved around ESPN.com or various websites that post funny youtube videos of people falling or getting hit with things. Now if you were to bust down my door and catch me on the computer, you would probably catch me shamefully searching the Paisley and Posises website. There is more pink in my house than I ever imagined there would be (which was none).

Probably the biggest change is how much I actually think about how I'm going to raise this little girl. I mean kids are stupid. I am going to have to make sure she gets on the right track. The phrase "what if" runs through my mind approximately every 17 seconds. On man. There are so many ways this kid could make terrible decisions. And then I think of how I am going to effectively steer her back on the track to awesomeness and success. Observe...

WHAT IF MCKENNA WANTS TO MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD?

Ugh. Hollywood is full of the dumbest and worst people on Earth. Consider this: Will.I.Am is getting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. You know who else just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Dennis Hopper. That's right. The guy from Easy Rider and Hoosiers just got his star. All he had to do to get it is die of butt cancer. Conversely - Will.I.Am gets one for making terrible music that could be considered societal cancer. Daniel Day Lewis is the greatest actor of the last 30 years. He is scarily good. He doesn't have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. I'll give you a minute to clean the puke off of your keyboard.

So how do I stop her? I'm not one to squash someone's dream. I mean if she feels compelled to entertain people - I can't stop her, can I? Of course I can. I just need to think of a polite way to say, "Not if you want to stay my daughter."

WHAT IF MCKENNA IS A Weirdo?

You know the kid. That creeper in your elementary school class that pulled all of the peperoni off of their slice of pizza and then ate the pizza and the peperoni separate. I hate that kid. Everyone hates that kid. Some people tolerate that kid because the kid is a crier and if you say anything like - "stop being weird, you little... ugh - weirdo" he/she is gonna cry and you will get in trouble. What if that is McKenna? What if she collects twist ties and rubber bands for no reason or reads the dictionary for fun? How am I going to stop my own daughter from being an antisocial freak?

I'm not sure how to delicately explain that growing up is hard enough anyway. There is no reason to make life harder by doing things that all but guarantee your place at the dorky lunch table. I think I will just steal the twist ties and replace them with a basketball or something. Subtlety was never my strong suit.

WHAT IF MCKENNA brings home a wankster?

I realize she will likely date before I die. Despite my best efforts some little snot faced boy is going to walk through my front door and eat food paid for with my hard earned money, watch TV on my couch and try to court my daughter. This kid will already be behind the 8 ball. I already want to kick this kid and he may not even be born yet.

But what if he is a thug? I am going to try and describe this kid as well as I can. For the sake of this essay, just assume the future cultural equivalent of the examples I give. I know people will dress differently in 15-20 years. What if this kid walks through my door with a flat-billed LA hat and an Affliction t-shirt? Is it my place to tell my daughter she can't date someone because of how they dress? Damn right. Now pull your pants up, son. You can come back when I can't see your boxers.


You get the idea. These are the things that run through my head all of the time. I'm pretty sure I will figure it out as these things come up. If not I will always just fall back on locking my daughter in her room until she is 18. That should do the trick.