The Oscar nominations were released in the last week or so and if you are hoping for my typical glib cynicism, I've got bad news for you. The academy actually got some things right this year. Not like last year. Slumdog Millionaire my undercarriage. Last years nominations were terrible. I assumed this year would be no different with the exception of the academy upping the nominations for best film to 10 this year leaving room for 2 more sucky, depressing films with no point (I see you hiding in the back of the room, The Reader). Anyway this years nominations were pretty good. At least the movies I saw. It would have been kind of hard to see most of the nominees because the movie theaters were all showing Paul Blart Mall Cop and Tyler Perry's Madea can Poop Her Pants in Prison on 7 different screens so they couldn't bother showing The Messenger. I will give someone 10 million imaginary dollars if they move the Belcourt Theater to my city.
Anyway I have to say that from the movies I have seen on the lists that matter - they are all pretty good and some even border on fantastic. But this essay being what it is - it won't all be peaches 'n cream. So buckle up, kiddies. It's gonna be a bumpy ride... kind of like your mom.
Best Picture: This is easily the most important category in the Oscars. As previously mentioned this year's category was increased to 10 nominations. hey probably only needed four, but you know... That's America for you. Need 4? Take 10. The nominees are -
The Blind Side - I saw this movie in the theater because my wife wanted to go and she is pregnant. Listen I know its a good story, but I found the movie pretty cheesy. All I heard was people (men too) saying the movie was so good and they cried. I did almost cry... every scene that took place in the ghetto. Bad acting... BAD. Even Sandra Bullock pulling a gun on one of those mean ole thugs. That's right. Sandra Bullock successfully tough talked a comically bad stereotype. And neither my wife nor I cried. I repeat - a pregnant woman didn't cry. If you are a man, and you cried in that movie - I will punch you in the face.
District 9 - Didn't see it but it's about aliens. So could it possibly be the best film of the year? The answer is no. So why nominate it? I'm guessing people still feel stupid for that Lord of the Rings nonsense and they are still trying to convince themselves Peter Jackson is awesome.
An Education - Didn't see it and don't know what it is about. It gets a pass because it has Peter Saarsgard in it. Dude can act. Check him out in The Salton Sea, Into the Electric Mist or (If you don't mind gay/bi/curiousness) The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.
Precious - Poverty, incest rape, illiteracy. The feel good movie of the year. If you gave me a choice between seeing this movie or sitting on a white hot metal poker, I'd be throat deep on burning steel before you even finished the sentence. This movie was nominated out of guilt.
Up - Animated movies suck. Yes even Shrek.
Up in the Air - Didn't see it. Heard good things. I'll put it in my netflix queue and get it by the time it comes on TBS.
A Serious Man - A Coen Brothers movie that was not in a theater anywhere near me. Thanks, Tyler Perry
Inglourious Basterds - This movie was awesome. No argument here. Saw it in the theater and it was worth the money. Christoph Waltz was pretty amazing. Didn't have to be as long as it was, but I will watch it again.
The Hurt Locker - THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN... on my TV. You know why I didn't see it in theaters? That's right. It wasn't in a theater in Tennessee. Thanks, Kevin James. Hands down the best movie of the year. The best movie of my generation. If it doesn't win it will be a shame.
Avatar - I'm the one that didn't see this movie. And do you know why? Because it looked STUPID. Stupid... but in 3D. And I don't care. You know what else is in 3D? Life. I walk through life looking at 3D stuff all day. Oh hey look. It looks like that tree is coming right at me. Crazy, right? Whether it a tree of a 12 foot blue cat, I'm not too impressed with the fact that something looks like it is coming at me. Apparently everyone else in the country disagrees with me. But you can all suck it because I'm right.
Best Lead Actor Nominees:
Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart - Didn't see it, but Jeff Bridges is a good actor. And I think the role of grizzled alcoholic country singer was written for him. But whatever - it looks boring.
George Clooney - Up in the Air - Same review as above, but replace "grizzled alcoholic country singer" with "guy who goes to different cities and sleeps with women."
Colin Firth - A Single Man - More like A Disappointed Man on Oscar night. Amiright? (High fives self)
Morgan Freeman - Invictus - I will now refer to my previous review of Invictus - It would have been better if something had happened. Now I know it's not up for best picture, but really - how can you focus on anyone's acting whilst sleeping through this abortion?
Jeremy Renner - The Hurt Locker - Let's hope he wins. I mean he was definitely no 12 foot blue cat, but still. Give the guy a break (PS - Best movie ever).
Sam Rockwell - Moon - What's that? He didn't get nominated? Did anyone see how good he was in Moon? No? Oh, I see what happened. Thanks, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.
Best Supporting Actor:
Matt Damon - Invictus - Who knew rugby players didn't have a personality. This movie was awful. Don't even rent it. Rent Precious instead.
Woody Harrelson - The Messenger - It looked like a good movie. I missed it the two days it was playing in Nashville. Does anyone remember White Men Can't Jump? That was a good movie. What ever happened to the other guy in that movie?
Two other guys - Fart Noise
Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Batsreds - He's a lock in this category. In fact he should have won the lead actor. He was that intense. And t's pretty much between him and a guy that was in a movie called Surfer, Dude this year. Woody Harrelson will be too high to attend anyway.
Zach Galifanakis - The Hangover - Technically not nominated, but the guy was funny. He should have been nominated. In fact it was the funniest movie I saw this year and he was the only funny person in it. So he wins my Oscar. And here to accept the award on his behalf - The Easter Bunny.
Actress in a Leading Role:
Yikes
That's pretty much all that matters. There is a documentary category, but other than Food, Inc - it doesn't even come close to worth mentioning. At least there is no Michael Moore, right?
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