“Sure. What’s up?”
I don’t want to sound jaded, but in all honesty 98% of the phone calls I get from my wife at work are less than urgent (not that it is a bad thing, but I assumed this would be no different). I have a gift of getting off the phone in less than 20 seconds so small talk such as “are you sitting down?” gets weeded out by the filter between my ears and my brain.
“I took a pregnancy test.” The record for my internal soundtrack scratched (in my head I was listening to Journey).
“Yeah?”
“It said I’m pregnant.”
I wish I could say that it all hit me right at that moment. But it didn’t. It did shock me in a “wherecanihide?” kind of way. But it didn’t completely feel real. I kind of assumed it wasn’t actually happening. It was more – “ok, there is a chance Megan is pregnant, but let’s not forget – those tests are only 99.something% accurate.” It was later explained to me that only negative tests are ever inaccurate and there is no "false positive."
5 positive pregnancy tests later it occurred to me that either Megan was pregnant or her pee is a statistical anomaly. So what now? Everything changed in that moment (literally days after I was first told of the positive pregnancy test – I’m a little slow).
My first thought after I accepted the fact that my wife is pregnant was that the only thing I knew about pregnant women is they can't drink alcohol or eat sushi. I can tell I am going to be a great father. After searching through various conflicting WebPages on pregnancy brought to me by a bing search of “what can a pregnant woman eat,” I decided that the internet is to accurate/consistent information what Allen Iverson is to a basketball team. “Whatever you do, don’t let your wife eat chocolate.” “Chocolate is okay in moderation." “Pregnant women that eat chocolate every Tuesday statistically have babies with higher IQs than those that only eat chocolate the other 6 days.” “Eating fish more than once a week COULD cause severe birth defects.” I needed someone to spell this stuff out for me in no uncertain terms. I needed accurate information and I needed to know the information came from someone that has completed medical school.
Basically, I needed to know that I wasn’t overreacting or acting like a lunatic future parent. That I won’t follow my kid around with hand sanitizer in an attempt to make sure it never gets sick. I couldn’t even ask any friends that have recently been pregnant. It was explained to me that I shouldn’t tell anyone until after the first trimester. Fortunately having nothing to say has never really been a problem for me.
What I needed was a book. Now had my brain been working even a little, I would have gone to the nearest used book store and found at least 50 books on pregnancy for under $7. IF my brain had been working. As it were the best solution I could think of to this predicament was to go to Barnes and Noble and look in the Pregnancy/Parenthood section. I hope this is no indication of the kind of decision making skills I will exemplify as a father. The pregnancy book publishers know how to exploit a first time chump like myself. They know money is no object when you have already wet your pants and tried to hang yourself because your pregnant wife tried to eat a piece of fish.
$50 for two books. $50 is more than i will pay for a pair of jeans. It is this kind of financial decision making that will doom this kid to a lifetime of ramen noodles and public school. Fortunately my better half managed to find two more books on amazon.com for less than $20.
And what did I learn for $70? I learned I am going to eat a lot of boring meals over the next 9 months... or my willpower will be crap and I will be riddled with constant guilt while my wife eats a spinach salad and I eat some rare beef and wash it down with a beer. Pregnant women cannot eat anything. No undercooked/rare anything, no soft cheese, no caffeine, no sugar, no NutraSweet, no alcohol… the list goes on and on. Basically well done meat, fruit, vegetables, water and juice (100% juice only) - that’s it. Otherwise (at least in my head) the baby will come out with three arms and a learning disorder. On second thought pass the sushi. Three arms would come in handy in so many situations.
Anyway - after one visit to the doctor I learned that pregnant women can eat most things in moderation and just because I read something in a book, doesn't mean it is 100% true. Basically just don't eat any raw meat/fish and no alcohol. So what did I really get for my $70? Let's just say I would have paid $80 if the publishers had used some lube.
Now there are plenty of books out there for men whose wives are expecting. But they all seem to consist of the same stupid jokes – i.e. “Pregnant women are always cryin’ and stuff” or “What’s with those cravings?” I learned really quickly that the truth is the only thing you can know for sure is you will know absolute dick about what you wife is going through. The best you can do is assume she is not overreacting and do whatever you can to make her comfortable and happy. Now I know what you are thinking. You think this is just setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. I would respond first by saying you should not end a sentence in a preposition. I would also completely agree with your statement (even if you sound like a 1st grader). Your wife will be taking advantage of you. You will have to rub her feet, rub her back, make dinner, get her blankets because she is freezing, get her a fan 20 minutes later because she is burning up, get her tissues when she is crying because… there will be no reason. But you don’t have to push anything out of your urethra. Guys win again!
I am not kidding. I will do whatever she wants. She is doing something that takes more courage than anything that will ever be expected of me. If you told me for 10 months my stomach would swell and at the end something the size of a watermelon would pass though my penis, I would tell you that you just described my junior year of college. But she is doing it voluntarily. In all seriousness my wife deserves whatever she wants. At least until the baby is born. And then it’s back to work. These floors aren’t going to clean themselves.
That’s enough from me. I’m not writing a book here. Mostly because I am out of jokes about pregnant women crying and/or cravings so it would never sell. I guess I will just say thank you, Megan. I will be home later to get you whatever you want.
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