2009 Super Bowl Coverage

3:30 pm
In a previous essay, I stated I wasn't going to watch this game because Marisa Miller or Journey were not involved. Journey just played a live performance for the pregame. Well not really Journey... Some Filipino guy singing Karaoke with the band Journey. What the hell happened to Steve Perry? Did he get replaced by a villain from a Rush Hour movie?

The point is, when I write something in this blog... it happens. It starting to feel like the plot to an Adam Sandler movie only... you know... good.

5:33 pm
The Steelers offensive lineup is announced. They have Hawaiians on offense too. Maybe it's because I am on my 3rd Tecate, but it occurs to me that the Steelers probably go through tons of Spam.

5:38 pm
The Steelers just scored... in five real time minutes in a drive that resembled a girls jr. high basketball team versus... well, the Steelers.

UPDATE - Wisenhunt challenged the touchdown and won the challenge. Big Ben went down early. Insert motorcycle joke here...

5:50
The Cardinals will punt. After nothing that even resembles an attempt to score. It looks like The Steelers have their offense figured out -> Make Edgerrin James run the ball.

6:00 pm
John Madden is calling this game and has not yet stated anything too obvious. If he stays sober the whole game, the commercials better be good.

6:09
The Steelers scored their first touchdown and the score is 10-0. The only entertaining part of this game has been when my dog growls at a dog in a commercial. So far my dog is more competitive than Kurt Warner.

6:22
TD Cardinals. Kurt Warner trips and almost breaks his hip, but completes a pass to a guy I have never heard of (Ben Patrick??). The Cardinals are full or surprises tonight.

6:30
The Steelers punt to the Cardinals and Breaston returns the punt further than the actual punt. It looks like the Cardinals may go into halftime tied in what has to be the fastest half in football history.

UPDATE - It's 3rd and 22 for the Cardinals and it happened before I typed that last sentence. I haven't seen anyone screw up their chances that fast since Scramble threw up on his prom date.

UPDATE on the UPDATE - Cardinals just punted and it happened in the time I came up with that last joke.

6:42 pm
Carlos Dansby picks off Ben Roethlisberger putting the Cardinals back in Field Goal range. (Spell check recommends the following for Roethlesberger: Breathlessness, Ruthlessness and Worthlessness - All seem accurate after that pass)

6:48 pm
Chester Cheetah is freaking me out...

6:52
Kurt Warner threw an interception on the goal line and James Harrison ran it back 100 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN! The Cardinal's offense tackles like the Volunteers defense... The Cardinal's have munsoned away the tie or lead at half while getting the ball at the beginning of the second half. The look on Kurt Warner's face says, "I wish I was still bagging groceries."

7:05 pm
It's halftime and I think I would really like to play 18 holes with Bob Costas. Golf... 18 holes of golf, you pervert.

7:09
Bruce Springsteen is singing and someone forgot to tell him that he didn't need to wear a mouthpiece. Here are some of his lyrics:
"Gag fe sd say het gre tat bri wit aas sas s ass aaw ad ddad"

7:39
I don't know if I'm hearing things, but I think I just heard a commercial tell me that Denny's is giving everyone in America a free breakfast this Tuesday. Does that count as Tuesday morning at 3am after bars close? Cus' I'll be there...

7:43
Movie preview: The Rock is NOT the most electrifying man in anything...

7:48 pm
Ben Roethlisberger appears to be hard to tackle and Heinz Ward appears to be a teddy bear... seriously. He looks just like a teddy bear. Other than that, the strategy for both teams this half seems to be walk two yards and fall down.

7:52
John Madden is insightful... and more importantly correct tonight. Did someone have a talk with him? Did someone ruin John Madden? I mean... he still looks like hell, but I have been chomping at the bit to tear into the guy's announcing, but he somehow got good. I have yet to find fault. Watching this game has been a waste of my life.

7:54 pm
The Steelers kick a field goal and the (who I believe to be) scariest guy in the NFL gets a personal foul and the Steelers will now get a TD. I hope you don't know where I live, Adrian Wilson, but you are an idiot.

UPDATE - The Steelers settle for a field goal and I settle for another Tecate. Scor = Steelers - 20 Cardinals - 7

8:05 pm
Just watched a Budweiser ad and can't figure out how a horse four generations removed from Scotland would still talk like William Wallace... And to think, I used to want to think up ad campaigns...

8:15 pm
The Steeler's coach, Mike Tomlin looks like Omar Epps on House - Or maybe in Love and Basketball

8:17 pm
The Cardinal's Steve Breaston learns the importance of the fair catch on a Steeler's punt.

8:22 pm
Larry Fitzgerald finally catches another pass (just caught his 3rd while I type this), and I finally see what I came to see. I feel like I'm at a strip club waiting on the one hot girl to go on stage... just kidding.

8:26 pm
Larry Fitzgerald just caught a TD pass by doing what he does best - making everyone else on the field look like the fat kid in elementary school recess. Score = Steelers - 20 Cardinals - 14

8:33 pm
The Steelers just punted with 5 and a half minutes left in the game. Nothing would make me happier than for the Cardinals to score a touchdown after a 5 and a half minute possession. OK, maybe another Tecate would make me happier... but other than that... go Cardinals.

8:41 pm
Penalties and now the Cardinal's punt... more flags. James Harrison personal foul - I just saw it and he is officially a bitch. I'm glad he got the penalty and that is reason 200,897,483 to hate people from Pittsburgh. Can someone test this guy for steroids?

8:43 pm
That was a safety. The Steelers are saved by a bad call. They will still lose because of what James Harrison did. What a whore...

8:46 pm
Safety due to holding in the end zone on the Steelers... I am like Nostradamus. Score = Steelers - 20 Cardinals - 16

8:49 pm
Larry Fitzgerald scores a TD and James Harrison is wishing he wasn't such a stupid worthless bag of dog sh#t. Score = Steelers- 20 Cardinals - 23

9:00 pm
The Steelers are about to score something... I really hope it's not a TD. And it was... Score = Steelers - 27 Cardinals - 23

9:10 pm
I hate the Steelers.

Congrats, America. Your new sweethearts - a bunch of greasy ass*oles from PA.