Pet monkeys - No Laughing Matter

I'll be the first one to admit that society makes it difficult for extremely attractive people like me to live the same life as ugly people. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me - I am just acknowledging a social issue.

You know what else is difficult for society to deal with? Chimpanzees. Chimpanzees have long been a menace to such things as: Christianity, Bananas, Potheads and Sougourney Weaver's emotions. Some cinematic classics would have you believe these fun-loving, poop-throwing evolutionary links are just like us - but better actors. Nothing could be further from the truth as evident from this article (seriously - read the article).

My favorite excerpt from the article follows:

"The bizarre scene unfolded in Stamford, when Travis suddenly attacked and tore up the face of 55-year-old Charla Nash, who was visiting his owner Sandra Herold Monday night."

You want more details?

"'He bit both of her hands off and the cop told me he just kept eating her (ed. note - CONGO!). It's terrible,' Lynne Mecca, a friend of the victim, told CBS News."

And more still...

"'She retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her longtime pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked,' Conklin said.

Travis ran away and started roaming on Herold's property as police arrived. Officers set up security so that medics could reach the critically injured woman lying on the ground, Conklin said.

But the chimpanzee returned and went after several of the officers, who retreated into their cars, Conklin said. Travis knocked the mirror off a cruiser before opening its door and starting to get in, trapping the officer.

That officer shot the chimpanzee several times, Conklin said."

So to recap - Cops...with guns... ran from monkey and locked themselves in car...

The article also mentions that the chimp was on Xanax because it had become agitated. Then it goes on to say the reason the monkey attacked was unclear. Then I go on to say, "IT'S BECAUSE YOU GAVE XANAX TO A MONKEY!!!!" You know that part at the end of a drug commercial where the micro machine guy rattles off the side effects of the drug really fast? Well this Chimp was either going to get diarrhea, an erection lasting longer than four hours or go ape sh%t (zing!) on someone's face.

The article goes on to explain that Xanax can actually increase anxiety when first introduced to the patient. I looked it up and the medical journals definition of "increase anxiety" happens to be "tear someone's face off" so I don't really see how we can blame the monkey.

But cops ruined the fun like my high school buddies said they always would and killed the chimpanzee... but not before, "The victim suffered "a tremendous loss of blood" from serious facial injuries, according to Conklin." (ed. note - Blood loss from the face!!!!!).

I know this is kind of sad, but just think - at least I'm still undeniably handsome. It could be worse. If anyone needs me, I'll be staring at myself in the mirror.