I am going to keep this short and sweet. Mostly because I think so many people have lost their minds over the death Michael Jackson.* And believe me when I say that I think much of Michael Jackson's life and definitely his death are sad. I don't know if he ever did the things he was accused of and all I do know is most of the people that knew him said he was a genuine, but misunderstood guy. He was exactly as talented as everyone held him up to be and no one can deny he was a pop music giant.
That being said, people have gone crazy over this. I watched literally 3 minutes of his "memorial" (which as far as I can tell was a "funeral," not a "memorial" since the body was present). One reason I did not care or watch it was because I knew it would be an absolute circus. The other reason is because of the absolute hypocrisy of all media involved in this along with almost everyone who is now pretending that they have somehow lost a part of themselves.
Here is a guy that put out two perfect albums, a few decent ones and danced better than anyone had before him. But is he supposed to get a mulligan for the last 20 years or so? He has essentially been an absolute freak show that prior to his death EVERYONE was laughing at and/or pitied. He was belittled and mocked worse than anyone on the planet. So now he dies and all of the sudden he is idolized by a bunch of people that would never let their children within 10 feet of the guy and turned him into a punchline. So everyone loved him all along? Really?
Again - I have no idea if he did what he was accused of, but I do know that at best he was an extremely weird and creepy person that behaved inappropriately in just about every possible way with children. He seemed to make every mistake a famous person could possibly make. I'm not happy when anyone dies, but when they do - can someone please tell Al Sharpton this is not an opportunity to get on TV?
I know this wasn't a funny post, but I was just trying to make a point so I'll say this to end:
Q: What do you call Michael Jackson's personal doctor?
A: You don't call him. What do you have - a death wish?
Zing!
* I am saying this from personal experience - I posted a joke on Facebook when Jermain Jackson said he was Michael's backbone that said, "If Jermaine Jackson was my backbone, I'd need painkillers too." It took 2 minutes before someone told me that I should kill myself. Seriously.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
In today's really happy news - Sean Penn has decided to take a break from acting to focus on... looking dumbfounded. I personally thank you, Sean Penn. You are not as good of an actor as everyone says anyway. I don't know who you sold your soul to in order to find success as an actor, but this may entitle you to a refund.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I was thinking this morning while I was shaving. I was recalling a brilliant manifesto I had previously written regarding a woman's vulnerability to marketing and product perception. No woman in particular - all women. The examples are obvious - purses, wedding dresses, diamonds... it could go on and on. Why do women pay so much for these things (i.e. - get men to pay so much for them)? Is it because these things matter? No. A woman's purse is no more functionally important than a man's wallet. But it cost 6 times as much. Why is a diamond so valuable? Because women want them so bad and men are actually socially obligated to get them for women (rappers probably have something to do with the cost of diamonds too - but not for the purposes of said essay). I believed women were the reason colleges have "Marketing" as a major - along with the fact that stupid people deserve a business degree too (I can say it. I was a marketing major - dumbest classes since driver's ed). Some select quotes from the essay follow:
Convinced?
Well don't be because during my morning shave I had an epiphany. This is heartbreaking to admit - not only because I may not have thought a previous theory through completely (shocking), but also because as it turns out... men are just as stupid as women.
I know... I just blew your mind. But take a walk with me for a second.
Consider for a moment... if you will just how well marketing works on men too. I missed it before: It is not a matter of whether or not marketing works on both genders. It is a matter of the different gender's preferences. Men fall for it, but just on smaller scaled items.
We will start with the item that began this entire inner monologue:
Shaving "Gel"
Men buy shaving gel. Men buy shaving gel because... I don't know. Is it because the color green is more soothing? Maybe - but I use shaving cream because it is cheaper and I'm not stupid.
"But Dean, how can I be stupid for buying shaving gel that is comes out of the can green and is, therefore, more soothing than shaving cream?"
Because it is only green when it comes out of the container. Once you put it on your face it is the same thing as shaving cream. Take a look...
Shaving Cream
Shaving Gel
Did you see what the green gel turned into when it was applied to a face? CREAM! SHAVING CREAM! THEY ARE THE SAME THING! So why would I pay $2 more for the gel? If you answered - "you wouldn't, Dean - you are too smart for that." - you are correct.
Think that is a fluke? What about AXE body spray?
Here is a board meeting when this product was presented:
"You know deodorant? Well we are going to make it spray from a can."
"That's not a new idea. It's been that way for years."
"Yeah... but we are going to put it in a smaller can. So you have to buy more after you spray it twice."
"That's silly. Why would anyone buy that?"
"Because we will tell men if they cover themselves in it, it will help them get laid. And their stupid so we can charge $5 for a 2 oz can. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"
There you have it. AXE. Less deodorant at twice the cost. And you know you bought it. Hell I still have a bottle in my bathroom at home. And it still gives me a headache when it is sprayed.
Still think you are impervious to this stuff? I ask you to once again consider Under Armour.
I can't recall a product that strokes the male ego more than Under Armour. Ideally this stuff should have been sold in a more niche market. To people that look like this.
So does every guy heading to the gym think he actually looks like that? Why else would anyone pay $50 to look like this? Because men have somehow been convinced that wearing skin-tight compression shorts makes them look like a large, intimidating black man.
"Is that Ray Lewis over there?"
"No that's Carl. He does my accounting."
And it doesn't necessarily have to revolve around price. Some products are so similar in product and price that they have to simply set themselves apart.
What about this insult to male intelligence?
I know you have seen the commercials. The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer is cold. Just so you don't make the mistake and drink a beer that isn't cold. I honestly don't know what people did before the color of a can told them when the beer is cold. I don't know where they even came up with such a fantastic idea. And it is advertised a "technology." I'm not sure if it can be considered "technology when the inspiration was a Hypercolor T-shirt.
Now I don't drink Coors or any variation so I have to resort to less fancy ways of telling if beverages are cold... like feeling it... with my hand. Here watch this: See that? I touched the can. Is it cold? Yes? Ok - it should be good to drink now. What a pain. It's a hard knock life, but at least it's mine.
There you have it. Men are just as gullible as women. Not me. But I have to go now. I am going to put on some Under Armour and go for my daily jog to the mailbox and back. Don't act like you're not impressed neighbors.
What about diamonds? These are perfect little examples of percieved value. Marinate on this for a minute. DeBeers is hands down the worlds largest distributor of diamonds. Bar none. There is no competition that even comes close to touching DeBeers. Now women love diamonds. Men love what women are willing to do for diamonds. So men buy diamonds... for women. Here's the rub... DeBeers has 85% of the worlds diamonds mined and locked up in surplus. Why? Because if diamonds aren't rare (which they aren't) they aren't worth dick. What does this really mean? It means that there are more diamonds in the world than topaz. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Women don't even know this about themselves. I read a case study as an undergrad about Arizona Jeans Co. The company was struggling and the V.P. of Marketing (a woman) decided to revamp the entire marketing campaign to target females between the ages of 16-25. A year later the results were in. She slightly missed the mark and managed to target women between 40-50 years old. 20 years off. I know what you are thinking: "So what? So women can't market to women. What does that mean?" Well have you ever snuck up behind Helen Keller? Me neither but I imagine it would be pretty easy.
Consider purses. Women will pay between $400 and $1500 for a piece of leather (purse) that houses another piece of leather (wallet) that holds money. Now I understand fashion... maybe. But consider the purses male-counterpart. No, not the man-bag. I am talking about a wallet. My wallet cost approximately $30 4 years ago. It still holds my debit card, driver's license and cash as well as it did the day I bought it. Now I know that certain high-priced designers have men's accessories such as wallets that run upwards of $300. I don't know people that buy these, but even assuming that people do, consider this. How many men are walking around with Louis Vuitton knock-off wallets? If you guessed 1, you overshot. Now I know at least 10 girls that have knock-off purses. They are so concerned with the image that goes along with carrying those bags that they will carry a purse with the same design, but none of the quality.
Convinced?
Well don't be because during my morning shave I had an epiphany. This is heartbreaking to admit - not only because I may not have thought a previous theory through completely (shocking), but also because as it turns out... men are just as stupid as women.
I know... I just blew your mind. But take a walk with me for a second.
Consider for a moment... if you will just how well marketing works on men too. I missed it before: It is not a matter of whether or not marketing works on both genders. It is a matter of the different gender's preferences. Men fall for it, but just on smaller scaled items.
We will start with the item that began this entire inner monologue:
Shaving "Gel"
Men buy shaving gel. Men buy shaving gel because... I don't know. Is it because the color green is more soothing? Maybe - but I use shaving cream because it is cheaper and I'm not stupid.
"But Dean, how can I be stupid for buying shaving gel that is comes out of the can green and is, therefore, more soothing than shaving cream?"
Because it is only green when it comes out of the container. Once you put it on your face it is the same thing as shaving cream. Take a look...
Shaving Cream
Shaving Gel
Did you see what the green gel turned into when it was applied to a face? CREAM! SHAVING CREAM! THEY ARE THE SAME THING! So why would I pay $2 more for the gel? If you answered - "you wouldn't, Dean - you are too smart for that." - you are correct.
Think that is a fluke? What about AXE body spray?
Here is a board meeting when this product was presented:
"You know deodorant? Well we are going to make it spray from a can."
"That's not a new idea. It's been that way for years."
"Yeah... but we are going to put it in a smaller can. So you have to buy more after you spray it twice."
"That's silly. Why would anyone buy that?"
"Because we will tell men if they cover themselves in it, it will help them get laid. And their stupid so we can charge $5 for a 2 oz can. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"
There you have it. AXE. Less deodorant at twice the cost. And you know you bought it. Hell I still have a bottle in my bathroom at home. And it still gives me a headache when it is sprayed.
Still think you are impervious to this stuff? I ask you to once again consider Under Armour.
I can't recall a product that strokes the male ego more than Under Armour. Ideally this stuff should have been sold in a more niche market. To people that look like this.
So does every guy heading to the gym think he actually looks like that? Why else would anyone pay $50 to look like this? Because men have somehow been convinced that wearing skin-tight compression shorts makes them look like a large, intimidating black man.
"Is that Ray Lewis over there?"
"No that's Carl. He does my accounting."
And it doesn't necessarily have to revolve around price. Some products are so similar in product and price that they have to simply set themselves apart.
What about this insult to male intelligence?
I know you have seen the commercials. The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer is cold. Just so you don't make the mistake and drink a beer that isn't cold. I honestly don't know what people did before the color of a can told them when the beer is cold. I don't know where they even came up with such a fantastic idea. And it is advertised a "technology." I'm not sure if it can be considered "technology when the inspiration was a Hypercolor T-shirt.
Now I don't drink Coors or any variation so I have to resort to less fancy ways of telling if beverages are cold... like feeling it... with my hand. Here watch this: See that? I touched the can. Is it cold? Yes? Ok - it should be good to drink now. What a pain. It's a hard knock life, but at least it's mine.
There you have it. Men are just as gullible as women. Not me. But I have to go now. I am going to put on some Under Armour and go for my daily jog to the mailbox and back. Don't act like you're not impressed neighbors.
Friday, May 15, 2009
The Dangers of Shallow Research
Now I know I can sometimes come across as obsessed with physical appearance (especially my own). I assume most people realize that I am satirical and merely acting conceited for the sake of a laugh that I inevitably don't get. But I did realize something today. A ground-breaking, Earth-shattering, life-changing realization that can only be described as... ground-breaking, Earth-shattering and life-changing. I was finally given undeniable proof that I am one of the 100 hottest people in the world! I can tell you are as excited as I am.
Now you may be asking yourself just how Nancy Pelosi (side note: spell check recommendations for Pelosi = Plosive, Pelvis, Peloponnese, Pelagic) doesn't have drool running down her chin. The answer? She has assistants that constantly wipe it off for her (because she is retarded, you see).
But you may be saying to yourself, "Dean, how do you know you are one of the hottest 100 people in the world? You haven't seen everyone in the world."
And you are correct. I have rarely left Tennessee. But that is why we have magazines. Maxim compiled a list of the 100 hottest people and I can only assume they did their due diligence prior to publishing such a list. So therefore I can also only assume they did, indeed find the hottest 100 people on the planet. But they must have skipped over my neighborhood. After reviewing, there is no way I'm not at least in the top 20.
So that is the purpose of this essay: To prove that I belong in discussions of the physically elite.
Exhibit A
What is this? This is a picture from the Maxim Hot 100 party... of a field mouse, something that farmers keep on their land to keep the grass from growing too high and Rocky's sidekick.
Now I don't know what number these monsters are, I am guessing somewhere towards 100 - but obviously they did not line up from 1-100 in the buffet line (shhhh... don't anger the one on the right).
Exhibit B
How in the hell does one even go about growing a transparent beard? It looks like he transplanted ass hair onto his face and bleached it. And when did Screeches girlfriend get the Dr Pepper commercials? I swear if I was the CEO of Coca-Cola and you told me about this picture I would snap your neck before you finished the sentence.
Exhibit C
Corn rows on a girl are inexcusable. The only way she would look worse is if you put her in a denim skirt with a belt around it. And maybe some close-toed shoes. And you know the old adage "you can't polish a turd"? This picture comes to mind. What is with all of the make-up? I haven't seen an attempt like this since... well since I let this fuzzy bear-looking thing eat after midnight.
Exhibit D
No. 17 - One spot ahead of Marissa Miller. Can a magazine understand me when I tell it to burn in Hell?
Exhibit E
Look... all personal feelings aside - gross
Exhibit F
Now I realize you may not think that is a bad choice for number 10 on a top 100 list of attractive people. I would not disagree until you consider that this is the same person when she does not have a photo shoot coming up.
Exhibit G (as in GROSS - Zing!)
Maybe I could see it if he wasn't in drag. Youknowwhatimsayin?
Exhibit H
You may be asking yourself who this gem is. This fine thing is your very own number 52
Oh like you didn't know?
Exhibit I
Now I won't disagree that canckles and cigarettes are a dynamite combo. I think it is pretty clear that Lily Allen is on her way to tape her exercise video - set to release when fat people come back in style.
Exhibit J
Hey, who is that beside Cameron Diaz? Is that... Mickey Rourke?
You get the idea. They are ugly. Like... not even the best looking people in your group of friends ugly. I think I have made my point. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I am flawless. Why just the other day I had a hangnail. And those things are gross.
So this is your call to action. Write Maxim magazine and demand they do more thorough research next year. We will not idly sit by and be lied to. If you want our vote we demand the truth! You will never become president by restating empty phrases in different ways over and over again... Wait. What were we talking about?
Now you may be asking yourself just how Nancy Pelosi (side note: spell check recommendations for Pelosi = Plosive, Pelvis, Peloponnese, Pelagic) doesn't have drool running down her chin. The answer? She has assistants that constantly wipe it off for her (because she is retarded, you see).
But you may be saying to yourself, "Dean, how do you know you are one of the hottest 100 people in the world? You haven't seen everyone in the world."
And you are correct. I have rarely left Tennessee. But that is why we have magazines. Maxim compiled a list of the 100 hottest people and I can only assume they did their due diligence prior to publishing such a list. So therefore I can also only assume they did, indeed find the hottest 100 people on the planet. But they must have skipped over my neighborhood. After reviewing, there is no way I'm not at least in the top 20.
So that is the purpose of this essay: To prove that I belong in discussions of the physically elite.
Exhibit A
What is this? This is a picture from the Maxim Hot 100 party... of a field mouse, something that farmers keep on their land to keep the grass from growing too high and Rocky's sidekick.
Now I don't know what number these monsters are, I am guessing somewhere towards 100 - but obviously they did not line up from 1-100 in the buffet line (shhhh... don't anger the one on the right).
Exhibit B
How in the hell does one even go about growing a transparent beard? It looks like he transplanted ass hair onto his face and bleached it. And when did Screeches girlfriend get the Dr Pepper commercials? I swear if I was the CEO of Coca-Cola and you told me about this picture I would snap your neck before you finished the sentence.
Exhibit C
Corn rows on a girl are inexcusable. The only way she would look worse is if you put her in a denim skirt with a belt around it. And maybe some close-toed shoes. And you know the old adage "you can't polish a turd"? This picture comes to mind. What is with all of the make-up? I haven't seen an attempt like this since... well since I let this fuzzy bear-looking thing eat after midnight.
Exhibit D
No. 17 - One spot ahead of Marissa Miller. Can a magazine understand me when I tell it to burn in Hell?
Exhibit E
Look... all personal feelings aside - gross
Exhibit F
Now I realize you may not think that is a bad choice for number 10 on a top 100 list of attractive people. I would not disagree until you consider that this is the same person when she does not have a photo shoot coming up.
Exhibit G (as in GROSS - Zing!)
Maybe I could see it if he wasn't in drag. Youknowwhatimsayin?
Exhibit H
You may be asking yourself who this gem is. This fine thing is your very own number 52
Oh like you didn't know?
Exhibit I
Now I won't disagree that canckles and cigarettes are a dynamite combo. I think it is pretty clear that Lily Allen is on her way to tape her exercise video - set to release when fat people come back in style.
Exhibit J
Hey, who is that beside Cameron Diaz? Is that... Mickey Rourke?
You get the idea. They are ugly. Like... not even the best looking people in your group of friends ugly. I think I have made my point. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I am flawless. Why just the other day I had a hangnail. And those things are gross.
So this is your call to action. Write Maxim magazine and demand they do more thorough research next year. We will not idly sit by and be lied to. If you want our vote we demand the truth! You will never become president by restating empty phrases in different ways over and over again... Wait. What were we talking about?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Obviously Not Miss San Fransisco
I don't like to take sides (*). I hate to take sides more than I hate to take NyQuil (why does it taste so bad? Can't we do something about that?). But there is something happening right now that I have to address. Something that is so entirely not news worthy it should have never been an afterthought in the mind of anyone... anywhere, yet has become what seems to be the top news story of the past week. I'm not talking about our government giving $30 billion more to the AIG "rescue" (which I will now refer to as the "AIG Prolonged Euthanization / Bend over and pull up your skirt, tax payer")... Not The CFO of Freddie Mac committing suicide after only being on the job since last September (did nothing ever come up about handling pressure situations in his interview?). Nothing about our new President implementing a plan to save the US $100 million (.0005% of this years planned spending deficit? Really? thanks for the insulting reach-around, BO.). Nothing about a war or sports.
Nope... Miss California caused a "scandal" by answering a loaded question honestly. I know, right? You don't care either. Now I don't really know who or what Perez Hilton is, but I'm pretty sure it is gay and I'm almost positive it should not qualify as a "celebrity judge." Nevertheless someone let this talentless monstrosity ask a question to a poor girl that has worked her entire life to look fantastic in a 2 piece (I sympathize because I know the sacrifices it takes to look impeccable in a thong).
So it asked this poor girl her opinion on gay marriage. And her answer was... about as smooth as a herpes outbreak. She states:
Now I know what you are about to say. "Dean, your hair looks ridiculous. Why don't you get a hair cut."
But that is beside the point. Focus here. Can you understand the picture I am painting? Hollywood has jumped on board with making fun of this poor girl. HOLLYWOOD! No, not even Hollywood. Those goblins that became famous for no other reason than having rich parents and not wearing panties. They make Sean Penn look smart.
And it's no wonder journalism is in the tank. People blame the internet. Its not the internet. It is the the uninspired morons that contact these people and ask their opinion.
What? Too far?
Look... all I'm saying is that George Strait is one smooth talker when it comes to the ladies.
Not only that, but can we all please agree that if you ask someone's opinion on something you can't get mad when they give it to you? It's pretty clear what answer was going to serve Perez Hilton's agenda. And Miss California was expected to give him the only kind of satisfaction she could ever give him.
But she didn't. She answered honestly. And now I can't look at any news outlet without reading or hearing about this "scandal." This isn't a scandal, people. This is a competition that is 90% decided by physical appearance and the ability to not fall down in heels. And then they ask them a question and given the opportunity, one contestant stated what she believed in. And a large percentage of the country agrees with her or it would be legal everywhere. But we don't hear from that percentage. We hear from Kim Kardashian.
The only mistake Miss California made was not understanding that the only people that care about the Miss America pageant are gay men. She should have dodged the question and still not completely abandoned her beliefs and answered like this:
She would have received a standing ovation and have the crown right now.
I'm just saying that I'm right... about everything. Even when I contradict myself.
And Perez Hilton is not so much a celebrity judge as an unfunny, untalented, fat eye sore that makes more money than me for reasons I will never understand. How did it even get on TV? That is atrocious. I'm serious. Write your congressman. We demand a Dean be on TV!
U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!!!!!
* I really like to take sides
Nope... Miss California caused a "scandal" by answering a loaded question honestly. I know, right? You don't care either. Now I don't really know who or what Perez Hilton is, but I'm pretty sure it is gay and I'm almost positive it should not qualify as a "celebrity judge." Nevertheless someone let this talentless monstrosity ask a question to a poor girl that has worked her entire life to look fantastic in a 2 piece (I sympathize because I know the sacrifices it takes to look impeccable in a thong).
So it asked this poor girl her opinion on gay marriage. And her answer was... about as smooth as a herpes outbreak. She states:
"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite. And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."
Now I know what you are about to say. "Dean, your hair looks ridiculous. Why don't you get a hair cut."
But that is beside the point. Focus here. Can you understand the picture I am painting? Hollywood has jumped on board with making fun of this poor girl. HOLLYWOOD! No, not even Hollywood. Those goblins that became famous for no other reason than having rich parents and not wearing panties. They make Sean Penn look smart.
And it's no wonder journalism is in the tank. People blame the internet. Its not the internet. It is the the uninspired morons that contact these people and ask their opinion.
"Hey, Paris... what do you think about Miss California's answer to the question on Gay marriage?"
"People need to be more tolerant. If it weren't for Gay people, no one would have bought my sex tape... Please pay attention to me! Look! I shaved (pulls up skirt)"
What? Too far?
Look... all I'm saying is that George Strait is one smooth talker when it comes to the ladies.
Not only that, but can we all please agree that if you ask someone's opinion on something you can't get mad when they give it to you? It's pretty clear what answer was going to serve Perez Hilton's agenda. And Miss California was expected to give him the only kind of satisfaction she could ever give him.
But she didn't. She answered honestly. And now I can't look at any news outlet without reading or hearing about this "scandal." This isn't a scandal, people. This is a competition that is 90% decided by physical appearance and the ability to not fall down in heels. And then they ask them a question and given the opportunity, one contestant stated what she believed in. And a large percentage of the country agrees with her or it would be legal everywhere. But we don't hear from that percentage. We hear from Kim Kardashian.
The only mistake Miss California made was not understanding that the only people that care about the Miss America pageant are gay men. She should have dodged the question and still not completely abandoned her beliefs and answered like this:
What's up with men anyway? Why can't they spend more than 10 minutes in Target? Amirite, ladies?
She would have received a standing ovation and have the crown right now.
I'm just saying that I'm right... about everything. Even when I contradict myself.
And Perez Hilton is not so much a celebrity judge as an unfunny, untalented, fat eye sore that makes more money than me for reasons I will never understand. How did it even get on TV? That is atrocious. I'm serious. Write your congressman. We demand a Dean be on TV!
U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!!!!!
* I really like to take sides
Friday, April 10, 2009
Kanye Humbled... Still Hated
There are not too many things I am ashamed to admit. I tend to have outlandish opinions about things and people often disagree with me about these things. Nevertheless I think I make a strong case for my opinions and much like Charles Manson; it all makes sense in my head.
For instance, I am not ashamed to admit that I think french fries are a better side item to a steak than a baked potato. I should probably not admit this. I should probably say something healthy so everyone thinks I am healthy, and therefore better than their tubby self image. But I don't say something healthy. I say french fries. Because they are a gift from God when accompanying a steak. It's the truth. So next time you are at the Sizzler (or wherever your significant other takes you on your special day), and your waiter asks you what side you would like with your "steak" - as you peruse the side items and try to decide between rice pilaf, loaded baked potato or creamed whatever... go with the fries. And do it with pride. Besides, by the time you dump everything in the kitchen on your baked potato to give it flavor, it is 7,000 calories. Man, your eating has gotten out of control... just sayin'.
Another thing I am not ashamed of, but probably should be is the television programming that I enjoy. There are shows that I enjoy that other people (including my wife) find completely ridiculous. I can watch Gangland for hours if I don't have anything to do. I can't explain why, but I really get into the show. I unconditionally love hearing stories of crime organizations, mafia, mobs and gangs torturing and killing each other. It is fascinating. If you don't believe me, log onto your Blockbuster or Netflix account and find The Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Hitman. A guy can have a normal family life and kill over 100 people for the mafia in his spare time. The EXACT same way I can look beautiful after only 2 hours of sleep (ed. note - this may not be the same thing at all, but it is still true).
I also cannot get interested in shows that just about everyone else loves. This mostly applies to comedies. The most notable example of this is Flight of the Concords. Everyone seems to think this show is hilarious. I have never found anything I have seen on that show even remotely funny. We are supposed to laugh because they they have a straight face, huh? Well I refuse to fall in line with people I am convinced are only laughing because they are afraid they aren't getting the joke.
"Hey guys, I have a great new idea for the show! We will wear a funny hat. (uproarious laughter) Yeah, yeah! We will wear funny hats and ride unicorns. (More laughter). Oh, man I'm on a role. Then we will sing. We can sing a song about... about..."
(Someone else chimes in) "A song about... a box! We can pretend we are boxes... HAHAHA!!! But when we do it we will include long pauses and stare at the camera with straight faces. HAHAHA!!!"
I just wrote an episode of Flight of the Concords.
Another show I have never found funny is Southpark. I know it is supposed to be hilarious. The problem I have with Southpark is the reason Sasha Baron Cohen is supposed to be hilarious. Anyone can be funny by saying things people find offensive. It doesn't make you funny. Now believe me... I am not sensitive. I do not feel bad for people that get made fun of and rarely anything offends me personally. But I still don't find it funny to make fun of people in a way that society finds "shocking." I am supposed to think Trey Parker and Matt Stone are funny because they have a cartoon retard farting on their show. Ha! They made fun of retards! Hilariously shocking! Did they really name the black kid Token? Genius!
To sum it up: saying things that other people won't say does not make you funny. It may make people laugh, but it does not make you a funny person. I guess it is a niche that can make somone rich, but it is just not funny to me.
That being said; Southpark did something this week that they should get an Emmy for accomplishing. They absolutely skewered Kanye West. So much so that he apologized for his own Ego. I'll say that again: they made fun of Kanye West until he decided HE was a douche bag (I always thought that was one word, but spell check tells me douche bag is two words. Interesting). Don't get me wrong... what I saw of the episode was not really funny. But apparently it was effective. He wrote on his blog:
"SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER."
"I JUST WANT TO BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM,"
This seems like a backhanded admission of guilt. Like saying, "I'm beautiful, but I don't even realize it." Regardless I applaud his effort in trying to sound like a person I don't want to get run over by a train carrying dynamite.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that a great start to obtaining modesty would be return back to the world of lower case letters.
But is it too late? Will we ever be able to forgive Kanye West for his tantrums at award shows? For claiming he is the voice of our generation? For feeling waaay more relevant than anyone else thinks he is?
I can't. Or I won't. Either way, I am really looking forward to retirement. That will be great, won't it?
For instance, I am not ashamed to admit that I think french fries are a better side item to a steak than a baked potato. I should probably not admit this. I should probably say something healthy so everyone thinks I am healthy, and therefore better than their tubby self image. But I don't say something healthy. I say french fries. Because they are a gift from God when accompanying a steak. It's the truth. So next time you are at the Sizzler (or wherever your significant other takes you on your special day), and your waiter asks you what side you would like with your "steak" - as you peruse the side items and try to decide between rice pilaf, loaded baked potato or creamed whatever... go with the fries. And do it with pride. Besides, by the time you dump everything in the kitchen on your baked potato to give it flavor, it is 7,000 calories. Man, your eating has gotten out of control... just sayin'.
Another thing I am not ashamed of, but probably should be is the television programming that I enjoy. There are shows that I enjoy that other people (including my wife) find completely ridiculous. I can watch Gangland for hours if I don't have anything to do. I can't explain why, but I really get into the show. I unconditionally love hearing stories of crime organizations, mafia, mobs and gangs torturing and killing each other. It is fascinating. If you don't believe me, log onto your Blockbuster or Netflix account and find The Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Hitman. A guy can have a normal family life and kill over 100 people for the mafia in his spare time. The EXACT same way I can look beautiful after only 2 hours of sleep (ed. note - this may not be the same thing at all, but it is still true).
I also cannot get interested in shows that just about everyone else loves. This mostly applies to comedies. The most notable example of this is Flight of the Concords. Everyone seems to think this show is hilarious. I have never found anything I have seen on that show even remotely funny. We are supposed to laugh because they they have a straight face, huh? Well I refuse to fall in line with people I am convinced are only laughing because they are afraid they aren't getting the joke.
"Hey guys, I have a great new idea for the show! We will wear a funny hat. (uproarious laughter) Yeah, yeah! We will wear funny hats and ride unicorns. (More laughter). Oh, man I'm on a role. Then we will sing. We can sing a song about... about..."
(Someone else chimes in) "A song about... a box! We can pretend we are boxes... HAHAHA!!! But when we do it we will include long pauses and stare at the camera with straight faces. HAHAHA!!!"
I just wrote an episode of Flight of the Concords.
Another show I have never found funny is Southpark. I know it is supposed to be hilarious. The problem I have with Southpark is the reason Sasha Baron Cohen is supposed to be hilarious. Anyone can be funny by saying things people find offensive. It doesn't make you funny. Now believe me... I am not sensitive. I do not feel bad for people that get made fun of and rarely anything offends me personally. But I still don't find it funny to make fun of people in a way that society finds "shocking." I am supposed to think Trey Parker and Matt Stone are funny because they have a cartoon retard farting on their show. Ha! They made fun of retards! Hilariously shocking! Did they really name the black kid Token? Genius!
To sum it up: saying things that other people won't say does not make you funny. It may make people laugh, but it does not make you a funny person. I guess it is a niche that can make somone rich, but it is just not funny to me.
That being said; Southpark did something this week that they should get an Emmy for accomplishing. They absolutely skewered Kanye West. So much so that he apologized for his own Ego. I'll say that again: they made fun of Kanye West until he decided HE was a douche bag (I always thought that was one word, but spell check tells me douche bag is two words. Interesting). Don't get me wrong... what I saw of the episode was not really funny. But apparently it was effective. He wrote on his blog:
"SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER."
"I JUST WANT TO BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM,"
This seems like a backhanded admission of guilt. Like saying, "I'm beautiful, but I don't even realize it." Regardless I applaud his effort in trying to sound like a person I don't want to get run over by a train carrying dynamite.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that a great start to obtaining modesty would be return back to the world of lower case letters.
But is it too late? Will we ever be able to forgive Kanye West for his tantrums at award shows? For claiming he is the voice of our generation? For feeling waaay more relevant than anyone else thinks he is?
I can't. Or I won't. Either way, I am really looking forward to retirement. That will be great, won't it?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Your New Hero
Clint Eastwood may be many things (old, wrinkly, old)... but he is not a sissy. In fact, he went on the record as saying that we are a "pu$$y generation". I tend to agree with him because... well he might grunt at me if I don't. And this is my last clean pair of boxers. But today he made me the happiest man alive. Clint (that's what I call him) told Der Spiegel magazine (I think that is German for "Barely Legal", but I could be wrong)that people have lost their sense of humor when it comes to race jokes.
Now I know that the sensitive thing to do here is to call him old and out of touch. And to say that he does not understand what it is like to... whatever. The only reason I am not saying that is because I agree with him by a percentage that is so much higher than 100% it has not even been invented yet. Get over it and go back to your tee pee, redskin.
Now I know there are some words that are off limits. I begrudgingly concede that I should not be saying certain words in reference to certain races. But listen - I'm not going to preface my sentences with, "Now I'm not racist. I have black friends." If you have to make it known that you have black friends, you are probably only have one and its because he acts like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I wouldn't say I have as many black friends as Tupac, but I can think of at least 8 white guys I'm friends with that act like Tupac so that has to count for something, right?
As Clint puts it:
I wish I could refer to my friends as, "Albert the Chinaman" or "Lucas the Mexican" or "Webbed foot Wes" without people looking at me funny. I deal with Indian people (red dot - not feather) on a daily basis and I will fight anyone that argues against the fact that it is easier to lift up a Buick than to get them to write a check.
I think the fact that the difference of people from different areas/backgrounds/ethnicities is so obvious it becomes almost offensive not to acknowledge it. Like having your grandparents tell you something is "off the hook." Or having me tell anyone they are as good as me at anything.
No one hates political correctness more than me. If I think of something, I just want to say it. I hate censoring myself. I am also not very good at it. Like that time I laughed at the lady who got her hands eaten by monkey on Xanax. Admittedly that wasn't very polite, but come on. Someone gave Xanax to a monkey. Now substitute that woman for a Chinese guy. What if I had said, "Of course the monkey had to keep eating him. Otherwise he would have been hungry in half an hour." Now is it actually racially insensitive to say that Chinese food is mystically un-filling? If so, why? Why would any Chinese person care that the food of their ancestors has a reputation like this? Or maybe my censor just doesn't work and that's why I don't get it.
Maybe I'm just being selfish because I want to say whatever I want. Or maybe it's because I just realized the yogurt I am eating for lunch looks like semen and I'm trying not to think about it, but I think we all need to lighten up. Otherwise - when someone invents a time machine, we aren't going to be able to use it. Because if we go back in time 30 years or more, everyone is going to kick our sissy asses.
Now I don't think anyone should intentionally try to offend anyone. I just don't think pointing out a difference between two groups of people is necessarily offensive.
Let me be the first to say if you would like to make fun of me for being any of the following, feel free:
White
Tall
Unable to jump
A fan of country music
WalMart shopper
100% limited to one dance move
My southern accent
My deep voice
Handsome
Great at everything
Or anything else you can think of, but I think that pretty much sums it up.
Now I know that the sensitive thing to do here is to call him old and out of touch. And to say that he does not understand what it is like to... whatever. The only reason I am not saying that is because I agree with him by a percentage that is so much higher than 100% it has not even been invented yet. Get over it and go back to your tee pee, redskin.
Now I know there are some words that are off limits. I begrudgingly concede that I should not be saying certain words in reference to certain races. But listen - I'm not going to preface my sentences with, "Now I'm not racist. I have black friends." If you have to make it known that you have black friends, you are probably only have one and its because he acts like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I wouldn't say I have as many black friends as Tupac, but I can think of at least 8 white guys I'm friends with that act like Tupac so that has to count for something, right?
As Clint puts it:
'People have lost their sense of humour,' he told Germany's Der Spiegel magazine.
'In former times we constantly made jokes about different races.
'You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth otherwise you will be insulted as a racist.
'I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a "Sam the Jew" or "Jose the Mexican" - but we didn't think anything of it or have a racist
thought.
'It was normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem.
''I don't want to be politically correct. We're all spending too much time and energy trying to be politically correct about everything.'
I wish I could refer to my friends as, "Albert the Chinaman" or "Lucas the Mexican" or "Webbed foot Wes" without people looking at me funny. I deal with Indian people (red dot - not feather) on a daily basis and I will fight anyone that argues against the fact that it is easier to lift up a Buick than to get them to write a check.
I think the fact that the difference of people from different areas/backgrounds/ethnicities is so obvious it becomes almost offensive not to acknowledge it. Like having your grandparents tell you something is "off the hook." Or having me tell anyone they are as good as me at anything.
No one hates political correctness more than me. If I think of something, I just want to say it. I hate censoring myself. I am also not very good at it. Like that time I laughed at the lady who got her hands eaten by monkey on Xanax. Admittedly that wasn't very polite, but come on. Someone gave Xanax to a monkey. Now substitute that woman for a Chinese guy. What if I had said, "Of course the monkey had to keep eating him. Otherwise he would have been hungry in half an hour." Now is it actually racially insensitive to say that Chinese food is mystically un-filling? If so, why? Why would any Chinese person care that the food of their ancestors has a reputation like this? Or maybe my censor just doesn't work and that's why I don't get it.
Maybe I'm just being selfish because I want to say whatever I want. Or maybe it's because I just realized the yogurt I am eating for lunch looks like semen and I'm trying not to think about it, but I think we all need to lighten up. Otherwise - when someone invents a time machine, we aren't going to be able to use it. Because if we go back in time 30 years or more, everyone is going to kick our sissy asses.
Now I don't think anyone should intentionally try to offend anyone. I just don't think pointing out a difference between two groups of people is necessarily offensive.
Let me be the first to say if you would like to make fun of me for being any of the following, feel free:
White
Tall
Unable to jump
A fan of country music
WalMart shopper
100% limited to one dance move
My southern accent
My deep voice
Handsome
Great at everything
Or anything else you can think of, but I think that pretty much sums it up.
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