There are not too many things I am ashamed to admit. I tend to have outlandish opinions about things and people often disagree with me about these things. Nevertheless I think I make a strong case for my opinions and much like Charles Manson; it all makes sense in my head.
For instance, I am not ashamed to admit that I think french fries are a better side item to a steak than a baked potato. I should probably not admit this. I should probably say something healthy so everyone thinks I am healthy, and therefore better than their tubby self image. But I don't say something healthy. I say french fries. Because they are a gift from God when accompanying a steak. It's the truth. So next time you are at the Sizzler (or wherever your significant other takes you on your special day), and your waiter asks you what side you would like with your "steak" - as you peruse the side items and try to decide between rice pilaf, loaded baked potato or creamed whatever... go with the fries. And do it with pride. Besides, by the time you dump everything in the kitchen on your baked potato to give it flavor, it is 7,000 calories. Man, your eating has gotten out of control... just sayin'.
Another thing I am not ashamed of, but probably should be is the television programming that I enjoy. There are shows that I enjoy that other people (including my wife) find completely ridiculous. I can watch Gangland for hours if I don't have anything to do. I can't explain why, but I really get into the show. I unconditionally love hearing stories of crime organizations, mafia, mobs and gangs torturing and killing each other. It is fascinating. If you don't believe me, log onto your Blockbuster or Netflix account and find The Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Hitman. A guy can have a normal family life and kill over 100 people for the mafia in his spare time. The EXACT same way I can look beautiful after only 2 hours of sleep (ed. note - this may not be the same thing at all, but it is still true).
I also cannot get interested in shows that just about everyone else loves. This mostly applies to comedies. The most notable example of this is Flight of the Concords. Everyone seems to think this show is hilarious. I have never found anything I have seen on that show even remotely funny. We are supposed to laugh because they they have a straight face, huh? Well I refuse to fall in line with people I am convinced are only laughing because they are afraid they aren't getting the joke.
"Hey guys, I have a great new idea for the show! We will wear a funny hat. (uproarious laughter) Yeah, yeah! We will wear funny hats and ride unicorns. (More laughter). Oh, man I'm on a role. Then we will sing. We can sing a song about... about..."
(Someone else chimes in) "A song about... a box! We can pretend we are boxes... HAHAHA!!! But when we do it we will include long pauses and stare at the camera with straight faces. HAHAHA!!!"
I just wrote an episode of Flight of the Concords.
Another show I have never found funny is Southpark. I know it is supposed to be hilarious. The problem I have with Southpark is the reason Sasha Baron Cohen is supposed to be hilarious. Anyone can be funny by saying things people find offensive. It doesn't make you funny. Now believe me... I am not sensitive. I do not feel bad for people that get made fun of and rarely anything offends me personally. But I still don't find it funny to make fun of people in a way that society finds "shocking." I am supposed to think Trey Parker and Matt Stone are funny because they have a cartoon retard farting on their show. Ha! They made fun of retards! Hilariously shocking! Did they really name the black kid Token? Genius!
To sum it up: saying things that other people won't say does not make you funny. It may make people laugh, but it does not make you a funny person. I guess it is a niche that can make somone rich, but it is just not funny to me.
That being said; Southpark did something this week that they should get an Emmy for accomplishing. They absolutely skewered Kanye West. So much so that he apologized for his own Ego. I'll say that again: they made fun of Kanye West until he decided HE was a douche bag (I always thought that was one word, but spell check tells me douche bag is two words. Interesting). Don't get me wrong... what I saw of the episode was not really funny. But apparently it was effective. He wrote on his blog:
"SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER."
"I JUST WANT TO BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM,"
This seems like a backhanded admission of guilt. Like saying, "I'm beautiful, but I don't even realize it." Regardless I applaud his effort in trying to sound like a person I don't want to get run over by a train carrying dynamite.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that a great start to obtaining modesty would be return back to the world of lower case letters.
But is it too late? Will we ever be able to forgive Kanye West for his tantrums at award shows? For claiming he is the voice of our generation? For feeling waaay more relevant than anyone else thinks he is?
I can't. Or I won't. Either way, I am really looking forward to retirement. That will be great, won't it?
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