The Devil Likes Syrup With His Waffle

2 redboxes... 2 were out of order. I was going to rent whatever movie I wanted while my wife was in the car. But since we rented a movie "on demand" Megan got her say and we are now watching "No Strings Attached." I don't think I am reaching when I say that "on demand" doesn't apply to this movie any more than it applies to my first job as a submarine sandwich artist at a popular Northeastern food chain. As it turns out, while I want to see a documentary on Bill Hicks - my wife wants to see Ashton Kutcher's ass cheeks and horrible acting. I have been looking for an opportunity to update this thing anyway.

As I type this I have a decision to make. Am i going to knock your socks off with a political deposition on how the ACLU is not actually protecting your civil liberties, nor are your civil liberties as you probably see them even remotely good for your/society's well being? I could. And I will, but not tonight. Not after 3 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales, a Miller Lite and a Shiner Bock at South Street.

No tonight I feel justified. I have recently discovered that there are others out there like me - that think of the same things I think about. Filmdrunk.com's blogger has asked his readers to submit personal Glenn Danzig stories... and they have responded. People have written into his blog with their real life encounters with Glenn Danzig - and they blow my mind.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "Dean, what do you want with stories about devil worshiping punk/metal rock star and why do you care how he interacts with his fans?" The answer is simple - I have no idea. I don't really have an opinion on The Misfits and Danzig is an outlet for angry trench-coat wearing kids. At the same tiime, I'm a christian that will be at church tomorrow morning and believes Glenn Danzig - at least at this point - will spend eternity in a very real Hell. However, I do know WHEN my interest in creepers acting normal started. It started several years ago when I was watching a TV show that I wouldn't admit to watching and learned that Marilyn Manson was dating... someone. That's when I realized that people that are famous for stirring the pot, shocking people with their disregard for social norms and general anti-social behavior, have a normal side to their life.

I started to wonder what these people were like in everyday settings. I mean really - Marilyn Manson doesn't wear make up all of the time. He woke up in the morning and probably had to eat something (I can only hope Fruit Loops) for breakfast. And where is the "on" swtich. Did he walk out of his front door picking his nose only to realize someone is looking at him and immediately break into a power strut and Jesus-hating scowl? People have interactions with Glenn Danzig outside of his performances. He goes to the grocery store and buys his favorite brand of soft drink and checks the date on the milk. And then later that night he adorns his eyeliner and screams about Satan and "thinking for yourself." He shops for clothes. Did your head just explode? He probably literally goes into a strip mall and heads straight for the black shirts.

I don't know why, but as a self proclaimed expert on human behavior (shut up - I am) I can't help but wonder when Anton Levay was vulnerable. When he discovered he was out of creamer after he made a pot of coffee, did he think to himself, "what would my followers think? My minions! They can't hear of this!" I bet being an evil free thinker is exhausting. I'm glad I don't have that pressure. I would suck at it. Some photographer would catch me holding a chocolate milk, renting a Pixar movie at a redbox and it would be curtains for my reputation.

I can't really figure out how to end this post. I think that is about it, but I also feel like no one will understand what I mean. Think about it this way: Trent Reznor has, at some point in his life had explosive diarrhea. The guy responsible for "Pretty Hate Machine" was at the complete mercy of his bowels. "Head Like A Hole" is still a pretty solid song, but you have to find humor in the fact that no matter how seriously you take yourself - you will at some point puke. And that makes you weak and gross and vulnerable.

I guess the strangest part of all of this is watching people buy into personas. I mean - how can anyone justify idolizing a musician, actor or blogger (hint, hint) when said person would be accutely aware of all of his/her idol's wierdness/grossness within just one day as a fly on the wall of their life. It's equivalent to hearing a vice president talk when he doesn't know his microphone is on. He could have graduated from an Ivy League school, but in that moment - he is uneducated redneck.

Hopefully this doesn't read like nonsense. It may, but it's better than anything you have thought of today. Unless you happen to look at my facebook photos and wonder how I got so handsome. In that case - you shouldn't be wasting your time reading this. Get back over to those photos and admire my sexxxy dimples. Sweet dreams, cupcake. AAAAAHHHHH! (Note: I really didn't know how to end this post)

Not Since Babe Ruth...

...has someone called his shot and followed through with such testicular fortitude. Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes (side note: your mom's nickname in high school) this past weekend and apparently absolutely followed through with the promise he made last week: "They won't be asking me to host again." Now I know what you're thinking; "What' a golden globe?" Apparently it can be defined as a roomful of humorless, self-serving morons that don't feel that they should be held accountable for their actions.

Now I wouldn't describe myself as a huge Ricky Gervais fan. I couldn't name two movies he has been in or one that I liked. The office was funny prior to jumping the shark, but I never had any reason to give the guy a second look. That is until he sat in a room full of his peers, looked them directly in the face and tore them to pieces. Watch the monologue if you think I'm exaggerating - and even if you know I don't exaggerate (I am that sexy), watch it. I'll wait. Ok, if you can't click a link I will give you some of my favorite quotes:

On 3-D: “It was a big year for 3-D movies. Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron. It seems like everything this year was three-dimensional — except the characters in The Tourist. I tell you what, I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't even seen The Tourist. Who has?

But it must be good because it's nominated, so shut up, OK? And I'd like to crush this ridiculous rumor that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the foreign press of could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That was not the only reason; they also accepted bribes.”

On SJP et al: “There were a lot of big films that didn’t get nominated this year – nothing for Sex and the City 2. I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster.”

On Scientologists who shall not be named: “Also not nominated, I Love You Phillip Morris. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then. My lawyers helped with that joke.”

On Robert Downey Jr.: “He’s the star of Iron Man, Two Girls and a Guy, Wonderboys. Sorry, are these porn films? Kiss Kiss (Bang Bang), Bowfinger. Really! Up the Academy. He has done all those films, but many of you in this room probably know him from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail.”

On Rambo: “The next presenter is a true Hollywood icon. In ten of the biggest blockbusters of all time, he has shown his extraordinary acting versatility. He has played a boxer … and Rambo. Please welcome Sylvester Stallone!”

On the elderly: “Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing! I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in.”


And the reactions?

Robert Downey Jr.: Called the show “hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones.”

Harvey Weinstein: “Knowing that Ricky Gervais will never work again means a lot to me. I’m going to make sure of it.

HFPA President Philip Berk (the one with the false teeth): “He definitely crossed the line, and some of the things were totally unacceptable. But that’s Ricky. Any of the references to individuals is certainly not something the Hollywood Foreign Press condones.”


The HFPA in their infinite wisdom decided that he will not be invited back to the Golden Globes. Like a 3rd grader that thought he was fouled on the playground, they took their ball and went home.

Ahem...An excerpt from Robert Downey Jr.'s wikipedia page:

From 1996 through 2003, Downey was arrested numerous times on drug-related charges and went several times through drug treatment programs unsuccessfully, explaining in 1999 to a judge: "It's like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and my finger's on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gunmetal."[16] He also explained his relapses by claiming to be addicted to drugs since the age of eight; his father was giving them to him as he was also an addict.[17]

In April 1996, Downey was arrested for possession of heroin, cocaine and an unloaded .357-caliber Magnum handgun, while he was speeding down Sunset Boulevard. A month later, when on parole, he trespassed into a neighbor's home while under the influence of a controlled substance, falling asleep in one of the beds.[18][19] He was sentenced to three years of probation and required to undergo mandatory drug testing. In 1997 he missed one of the court-ordered drug tests and had to spend four months in the Los Angeles County jail. When Downey missed another required drug test in 1999, he was arrested once more. Despite Downey's lawyer, John Stewart Holden, assembling for his client's 1999 defense the same team of lawyers that successfully defended O. J. Simpson during his criminal trial for murder,[17] Downey was sentenced to a three-year prison term at the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility and State Prison in Corcoran, California (a.k.a. "Corcoran II").

Ssshhhhh. Don't talk about that. He won't want to hear that.

This guy was a complete menace that should still be locked up for everything he did. There is no way Robert Downey Jr. should be anywhere in public other than a well supervised area of the Red Light District. But he was in Iron Man. What a comeback.

The whole thing is so infuriating. I will give you one category and the nominees:

Best Motion Picture: Comedy or Musical
Alice and Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids are Alright
Red
The Tourist

So it's ok for the HFPA to laugh at The Tourist, but Ricky Gervais can't? Pretty hypocritical if you ask me.

All I'm saying is this - actors are stupid. They pretend for a living. And they are shocked when people aren't kissing their asses or treating them like their jobs are important. I hate you, Hollywood. I wish Hollywood was just made up of Ricky Gervais and Dennis Leary. That being said, let's never mention any of these people again.

The Reason Email Was Invented

Ok, to make up for yesterday's (or the day before... I seriously can't even remember anymore) pathetic attempt at a post, I'm going to treat you to an email I received from a former colleague/current friend today. This friend and I got the ol' heave-ho from our last employer in the same day. I literally remember walking out of the bosses office and hearing said colleague's phone ring to be called in. Anyway, he took a sabbatical when I had actually been looking for a job. Consequently he is still living off of our former employer's unemployment insurance. Which is why he has time to email me little gems like this:

I woke up this morning at the crack of 9:30. As I passed the mirror on the way to empty my beer inflated bladder I noted a few things. There was a unfamiliar stain on my wife beater. So I straightened up the sweat pants I had on (3rd day in a row and holding steady) and leaned in to observe the discoloration of my week old, sleeveless, ripped, Fruit-of-the-Loom dandy. But alas, as I was doing this I noticed an orange tint to my teeth and realized I had fallen asleep with a half eaten Cheese Curl in my mouth, while watching Get Rich Quick in Real Estate no less. I suppose at some point I dropped the bag of Curls from my death grip, rolled over in my sleeping bag (sold all the furniture), and squashed the Curls into a left over pizza box, where one lonely pepperoni conspired with the Cheese Curls to form a messy mustard color on the 'ol tank top. Anyway, I laughed it off, noticed the hair needed no combing since it had attained a permanent sideways skew, adjusted the rabbit ears on the black and white, and proceeded to start the morning off right by making myself some homemade toast and watching "The Mid Day News".

It's day 160 and I'm living the solid life!

Meh...

It's been a little too long. Let's just say I've been on paternity leave. And by that I mean I've been too lazy to type out my thoughts and since my daughter was born I have an excuse to skip out on ANYTHING. Being a dad is pretty incredible, but I'm not here to gush about how much better my daughter is than anything in your family tree (U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi...). I hate when people think you want to hear all about their kids. I don't care and your kid sucks (ed. note - your kid does not suck and I don't hate him/her. I'm just not sure I care about little Timmy's teething). No as it where I'm sitting on my couch with my B.A. wife and awesome daughter sleeping next to me. I'm trying to watch Repo Men because it came in Netflix but Jude Law is distractingly skinny. It's like his head is wider than his tiny shoulders. He's like a weeny little cotton swab. He's not even a bad actor, but he's always in terrible movies. I think it has a direct correlation to the width of his shoulders. He's also not believable as a straight man. And in the first 5 minutes, this movie is stupid.
I do want to take this opportunity to say that on October 7th, Band of Horses is playing Live on the Green and if you are in the Nashville area and don't go to a free Band of Horses concert I will fight you. Now I'll be the first to admit I don't ever know what the cool kids are listening to these days. I just can't keep up with it. Consequently my musical taste could generally be described as "weepy bearded white guys" (i.e. your mom's last three one night stands). But whether or not you judge bands by the lead singer's facial hair, Band of Horses makes sweet, gentle, lubed up Isaac Hayes love to my ear drums. You would be stupid to miss this show. Full listing of shows here.
OK, I know this was short and probably a little disappointing (i.e. why your mom left your dad), but I'm about three glasses into a bottle of red wine and can't even pretend to care about anything on the internet. Besides I'm going to take the rest of this movie to try and figure out which of Forest Whitaker's eyes is actually looking at me.

Love, me.

The Art of Direction

There would be no point in trying to express how life changes when you realize you are going to have a child. It wouldn't matter what I said. Unless you are or have been in this position, you wouldn't get it. It's not just curiosity and it's not just happiness. It's also not just crap-your-pants fear although all of these things are definitely present. Everything you do and think about changes.

I'll give you an example - I have never spent an enormous amount of time on the internet. Generally speaking I use a computer at work so when I get home, I want to be on a computer about as much as I want to be in a crowded country music concert (that's not much). However the time I use to spend on the internet revolved around ESPN.com or various websites that post funny youtube videos of people falling or getting hit with things. Now if you were to bust down my door and catch me on the computer, you would probably catch me shamefully searching the Paisley and Posises website. There is more pink in my house than I ever imagined there would be (which was none).

Probably the biggest change is how much I actually think about how I'm going to raise this little girl. I mean kids are stupid. I am going to have to make sure she gets on the right track. The phrase "what if" runs through my mind approximately every 17 seconds. On man. There are so many ways this kid could make terrible decisions. And then I think of how I am going to effectively steer her back on the track to awesomeness and success. Observe...

WHAT IF MCKENNA WANTS TO MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD?

Ugh. Hollywood is full of the dumbest and worst people on Earth. Consider this: Will.I.Am is getting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. You know who else just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Dennis Hopper. That's right. The guy from Easy Rider and Hoosiers just got his star. All he had to do to get it is die of butt cancer. Conversely - Will.I.Am gets one for making terrible music that could be considered societal cancer. Daniel Day Lewis is the greatest actor of the last 30 years. He is scarily good. He doesn't have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. I'll give you a minute to clean the puke off of your keyboard.

So how do I stop her? I'm not one to squash someone's dream. I mean if she feels compelled to entertain people - I can't stop her, can I? Of course I can. I just need to think of a polite way to say, "Not if you want to stay my daughter."

WHAT IF MCKENNA IS A Weirdo?

You know the kid. That creeper in your elementary school class that pulled all of the peperoni off of their slice of pizza and then ate the pizza and the peperoni separate. I hate that kid. Everyone hates that kid. Some people tolerate that kid because the kid is a crier and if you say anything like - "stop being weird, you little... ugh - weirdo" he/she is gonna cry and you will get in trouble. What if that is McKenna? What if she collects twist ties and rubber bands for no reason or reads the dictionary for fun? How am I going to stop my own daughter from being an antisocial freak?

I'm not sure how to delicately explain that growing up is hard enough anyway. There is no reason to make life harder by doing things that all but guarantee your place at the dorky lunch table. I think I will just steal the twist ties and replace them with a basketball or something. Subtlety was never my strong suit.

WHAT IF MCKENNA brings home a wankster?

I realize she will likely date before I die. Despite my best efforts some little snot faced boy is going to walk through my front door and eat food paid for with my hard earned money, watch TV on my couch and try to court my daughter. This kid will already be behind the 8 ball. I already want to kick this kid and he may not even be born yet.

But what if he is a thug? I am going to try and describe this kid as well as I can. For the sake of this essay, just assume the future cultural equivalent of the examples I give. I know people will dress differently in 15-20 years. What if this kid walks through my door with a flat-billed LA hat and an Affliction t-shirt? Is it my place to tell my daughter she can't date someone because of how they dress? Damn right. Now pull your pants up, son. You can come back when I can't see your boxers.


You get the idea. These are the things that run through my head all of the time. I'm pretty sure I will figure it out as these things come up. If not I will always just fall back on locking my daughter in her room until she is 18. That should do the trick.

The NFL Draft is (Almost) Upon Us.

Uu


The NFL draft is nearly here and let's face it. Terrance Cody is fat. I mean really fat. Gross. Anyway I know that I will probably go undrafted again this year. I just don't understand what I have to do. Solid reps, great hands and a strong 40 time used to be enough. Now it's all political. Anyway, I guess I will rundown a few of the potential draft picks this year. Not because anyone wants my opinion, but just to give you some perspective. These people will all be millionaires in a few weeks. And you won't. Way to live up to your potential. I have split them up by position - kind of like all of your moms (collective burn).

Position - QB:

1) Sam Bradford

Strengths: Arm strength pre-injury; the fact that Oklahoma sucked without him; He happens to be a quarterback in a draft where there are no good quarterbacks; Potential franchise QB; Size (6'4")

Weaknesses: Squinty eyes limit vision (I assume); Injury to throwing shoulder; Kind of boring


2) Colt McCoy

Strengths: Named after a horse; Soothing southern drawl; Good athlete/deceptively fast; Lots of TD passes in college; Good Christian young man

Weaknesses: Mainly played as a shotgun QB in college; Named after a horse; Extreme favoritism (Pretty much exclusively threw to Jordan Shipley in college)


3) Jimmy Clausen

Strengths: Best QB in his family; Played NFL style offense; Quick release; umm... non-discriminatory:


Weaknesses: Bad in bar fights; Consistently loses football games (not a goal of most teams); resembles an ostrich if it was on The Jersey Shore



4) Tim Tebow

Strengths: Performs circumcisions; strong moral character; athletic; "intangibles"; against abortion; good christian young man; probably a republican; smart

Weaknesses: "Tangibles" (i.e. passing and other stuff QBs are expected to do well); Hugs his coaches too much and for an uncomfortable period of time


5) Jonathan Crompton

Strengths: Believes he will get drafted

Weaknesses: Delusional


6) Tony Pike

Strengths: I hear Canada's hiring

Weaknesses: I have no idea. Who watches Cincinnati football?



Position - WR

1) Dez Bryant

Strengths: Fast; Strong; good jumper; good hands

Weaknesses: Suspended in 2009 for talking to Deion Sanders - a just punishment


2) Golden Tate

Strengths: From middle Tennessee area; good hands; fast; Name's Golden; not much competition for WRs in this draft

Weaknesses: Only 5'10"; consistently loses with Jimmy Clausen; attended Catholic high school and catholic college so he probably drinks too much and sleeps with everyone

3) Marshwan Gilyard

Strengths: I don't know. He's the only other receiver I can think of that may get drafted and I'm not going to google it

Weaknesses: Spell check does not recognize first or last name; fumbling


Position - RB

1) CJ Spiller

Strengths: Extremely fast/quick runner; good receiver/return man; Will benefit greatly in the draft from Chris Johnson having a monster year; 2nd best RB in college football this year

Weaknesses: He's a little bitty guy; Could fit under Terrance Cody's left breast


2) Jonathan Dwyer

Strengths: Bigger/stronger than Spiller; Pretty much the ideal build for a good NFL running back... 5 years ago

Weaknesses: Not a threat to catch the ball and let's face it - that's big in the NFL; Apparently he gained a lot of weight before his senior year and in the words of Dean Wormer in Animal House "fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life."


3) Jahvid Best

Strengths: Strong; fast and in my opinion he was the best running back when he was playing his best

Weaknesses: He didn't play his best very often so he really wasn't all that impressive


4) Dexter McCluster

Strengths: Absolutely torched the Volunteers; very fast and a good runner

Weaknesses: Played along side Jevan Snead so he probably just looked like a good football player in comparison; Spent most of his college career splitting carries with guys that were not as good as him


5) Toby Gerhart

Strengths: He is a good running back... for a white guy

Weaknesses: See strengths


6) Monterio Hardesty

Strengths: Guy is strong; durable, powerful runner; Carried UT offense when Jonathan Crompton was playing terrible; Eddie Georgey minus the inexplicable tripping after two yards

Weaknesses: Almost named after a state in Canada; In my opinion he doesn't turn the corner well (or maybe he just never had to); he also runs standing straight up which can probably get you killed in the NFL


Position - Defense (I'm getting tired of typing)

1) Ndomukou Suh

Strengths: Big; strong; fast; smart; carried his team; just about everything

Weaknesses: I don't think that is how you spell his name


2) Eric Berry

Strengths: Strong; fast ; doesn't make mistakes; play maker; great tackler; returns interceptions for TDs;

Weaknesses: Stupid unoriginal Heisman campaign videos


3) Joe Haden

Strengths: Same as Eric berry, but not as good.

Weaknesses: Slower and not as good as Eric Berry; Maybe the Redskins will draft him. That's a good fit


4) Brandon Spikes

Strength: Pretty much everything you could want in an inside linebacker - Fast (4.6 40 time); strong; good size; stuff running lanes better than any other LB in college

Weakness: How can I put this... He cheats by gouging players eyes


5) Rico McCoy

Strengths: As good of an ILB as as Brandon Spikes is as an OLB; was never caught on camera sticking his fingers in the eyes of other players

Weaknesses: He only weighs 218 so he will likely need steroids


6) Terrance Cody

Strengths: I hear he can block low field goals; good in run defense and requires a double team from the O line;

Weaknesses: Bacon; mayonnaise; won't be able to play more than 2 downs in a series in the NFL; gynocomastia; couldn't get to the QB in less than 15 seconds without a motorized vehicle; life expectancy;


So there they are - The players I remember from college last year that I think will get drafted. Boy - when I type it out like that it really loses some of its sparkle.

And the Oscar Goes to.... Paul Blart

The Oscar nominations were released in the last week or so and if you are hoping for my typical glib cynicism, I've got bad news for you. The academy actually got some things right this year. Not like last year. Slumdog Millionaire my undercarriage. Last years nominations were terrible. I assumed this year would be no different with the exception of the academy upping the nominations for best film to 10 this year leaving room for 2 more sucky, depressing films with no point (I see you hiding in the back of the room, The Reader). Anyway this years nominations were pretty good. At least the movies I saw. It would have been kind of hard to see most of the nominees because the movie theaters were all showing Paul Blart Mall Cop and Tyler Perry's Madea can Poop Her Pants in Prison on 7 different screens so they couldn't bother showing The Messenger. I will give someone 10 million imaginary dollars if they move the Belcourt Theater to my city.

Anyway I have to say that from the movies I have seen on the lists that matter - they are all pretty good and some even border on fantastic. But this essay being what it is - it won't all be peaches 'n cream. So buckle up, kiddies. It's gonna be a bumpy ride... kind of like your mom.

Best Picture: This is easily the most important category in the Oscars. As previously mentioned this year's category was increased to 10 nominations. hey probably only needed four, but you know... That's America for you. Need 4? Take 10. The nominees are -

The Blind Side - I saw this movie in the theater because my wife wanted to go and she is pregnant. Listen I know its a good story, but I found the movie pretty cheesy. All I heard was people (men too) saying the movie was so good and they cried. I did almost cry... every scene that took place in the ghetto. Bad acting... BAD. Even Sandra Bullock pulling a gun on one of those mean ole thugs. That's right. Sandra Bullock successfully tough talked a comically bad stereotype. And neither my wife nor I cried. I repeat - a pregnant woman didn't cry. If you are a man, and you cried in that movie - I will punch you in the face.

District 9 - Didn't see it but it's about aliens. So could it possibly be the best film of the year? The answer is no. So why nominate it? I'm guessing people still feel stupid for that Lord of the Rings nonsense and they are still trying to convince themselves Peter Jackson is awesome.

An Education - Didn't see it and don't know what it is about. It gets a pass because it has Peter Saarsgard in it. Dude can act. Check him out in The Salton Sea, Into the Electric Mist or (If you don't mind gay/bi/curiousness) The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.

Precious - Poverty, incest rape, illiteracy. The feel good movie of the year. If you gave me a choice between seeing this movie or sitting on a white hot metal poker, I'd be throat deep on burning steel before you even finished the sentence. This movie was nominated out of guilt.

Up - Animated movies suck. Yes even Shrek.

Up in the Air - Didn't see it. Heard good things. I'll put it in my netflix queue and get it by the time it comes on TBS.

A Serious Man - A Coen Brothers movie that was not in a theater anywhere near me. Thanks, Tyler Perry

Inglourious Basterds - This movie was awesome. No argument here. Saw it in the theater and it was worth the money. Christoph Waltz was pretty amazing. Didn't have to be as long as it was, but I will watch it again.

The Hurt Locker - THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN... on my TV. You know why I didn't see it in theaters? That's right. It wasn't in a theater in Tennessee. Thanks, Kevin James. Hands down the best movie of the year. The best movie of my generation. If it doesn't win it will be a shame.

Avatar - I'm the one that didn't see this movie. And do you know why? Because it looked STUPID. Stupid... but in 3D. And I don't care. You know what else is in 3D? Life. I walk through life looking at 3D stuff all day. Oh hey look. It looks like that tree is coming right at me. Crazy, right? Whether it a tree of a 12 foot blue cat, I'm not too impressed with the fact that something looks like it is coming at me. Apparently everyone else in the country disagrees with me. But you can all suck it because I'm right.



Best Lead Actor Nominees:

Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart - Didn't see it, but Jeff Bridges is a good actor. And I think the role of grizzled alcoholic country singer was written for him. But whatever - it looks boring.

George Clooney - Up in the Air - Same review as above, but replace "grizzled alcoholic country singer" with "guy who goes to different cities and sleeps with women."

Colin Firth - A Single Man - More like A Disappointed Man on Oscar night. Amiright? (High fives self)

Morgan Freeman - Invictus - I will now refer to my previous review of Invictus - It would have been better if something had happened. Now I know it's not up for best picture, but really - how can you focus on anyone's acting whilst sleeping through this abortion?

Jeremy Renner - The Hurt Locker - Let's hope he wins. I mean he was definitely no 12 foot blue cat, but still. Give the guy a break (PS - Best movie ever).

Sam Rockwell - Moon - What's that? He didn't get nominated? Did anyone see how good he was in Moon? No? Oh, I see what happened. Thanks, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.


Best Supporting Actor:

Matt Damon - Invictus - Who knew rugby players didn't have a personality. This movie was awful. Don't even rent it. Rent Precious instead.

Woody Harrelson - The Messenger - It looked like a good movie. I missed it the two days it was playing in Nashville. Does anyone remember White Men Can't Jump? That was a good movie. What ever happened to the other guy in that movie?

Two other guys - Fart Noise


Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Batsreds - He's a lock in this category. In fact he should have won the lead actor. He was that intense. And t's pretty much between him and a guy that was in a movie called Surfer, Dude this year. Woody Harrelson will be too high to attend anyway.


Zach Galifanakis - The Hangover - Technically not nominated, but the guy was funny. He should have been nominated. In fact it was the funniest movie I saw this year and he was the only funny person in it. So he wins my Oscar. And here to accept the award on his behalf - The Easter Bunny.


Actress in a Leading Role:

Yikes

That's pretty much all that matters. There is a documentary category, but other than Food, Inc - it doesn't even come close to worth mentioning. At least there is no Michael Moore, right?