At some point in your life your parents may have told you that you could be anything you wanted to be when you grew up. I disagree with your mom about that shirt looking nice on you and I disagree with your dad about the Army turning you into a real man. I also disagree with the idea that people can be whatever they want to be when they grow up. I am including myself in this. Believe it or not I too am restricted by certain limitations of character. For instance - I could never be a judge (at least in America). I find it impossible to be fair and impartial and I definitely believe in Texas justice. I think if someone brings a gun into a high school basketball game - the cops should shoot him... dead... like right in his head... many times. Then he is no longer a problem. Get it? That would be my sentence for everything. "What's that, Pacman? You're innocent? Bailiff, shoot this guy in the head."
I have also recently discovered that I am not and could never be - a movie critic. My love for all things cheesy and stupid prohibits me from making rational decisions on how many thumbs (or middle fingers) to give a movie.
For instance - Tombstone - 1 thumb up
Tombstone with Zombies - 2 thumbs up
I cannot expect everyone to take my advice when no one really shares my taste (I still think the Steve Earle song Copperhead Road is awesome - are you ready to go out and buy an album if I told you to?).
However, if you ever take any advice from me - take it on the two best movies of the past year.
1. Gonzo
2. Man on Wire
Let me preface my explanation by saying this - I love documentaries. I rarely read fiction books that aren't written by Chuck Palahniuk. I always read non-fiction books (even the one non-fiction book written by Chuck Palahniuk). I guess I would just prefer to hear a story that actually happened than be forced to use my imagination. Documentaries are some of the only movies that would not benefit from the addition of zombies. If you don't like documentaries, it stands to reason that you may not like these movies either. It also stands to reason that you are a product of an incestuous relationship between your mother and her first cousin. Use your third hand to slap yourself, you freak.
Gonzo:
If you are not entertained by the life of Hunter Thompson check for a pulse... seriously.. I'll wait... find it? Ok, good. Now cut across it with a big sharp knife. No, no put the phone down. Don't call anyone for help. It will all be over soon.
Man on Wire :
No - not the one with Denzel.
This one actually surprised me a little. I didn't really know if I would like it. It is a documentary about a French tightrope walker named Philippe Petit. Are you interested yet? Here is the catch - He walked a tightrope that was strung between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. Read that again - HE WALKED A TIGHTROPE THAT WAS STRUNG BETWEEN THE TWIN TOWERS OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. And not like halfway up either. At the freaking top of the WTC towers!
He was of arrested for the stunt and had to perform some community service. This is only worth mentioning because the documentary shows his arrest report in which he was listed as 5'8" and 135 ponds. I have to assume his testicles were at least 100 pounds of that. While explaining what it was like to walk on a rope between the WTC towers he said the following in a goofy French accent:
"And as I was sitting there I did something people cannot believe. I looked down to see something I would never be able to see again."
He sat down... in the middle of a wire... and looked down 110 stories.
Now this story is about more than a man dragging his enormous steel testicles across a rope that happens to be really high up. Listening to Petit and the team of people that helped him describe the preparation and execution of this stunt is truthfully better than any motivational speaker. The entire stunt was illegal and he had no permission from anyone to attempt it. He literally had to rig the whole thing under the radar and without being noticed by anyone until he was actually on the wire.
At one point Jean-Louis Blondeau (Petit's main counterpart) describes the preparation and the frustration that went along with it but makes one resoundingly clear statement in, "It is not impossible. We are this close. If you want something bad enough, impossible is nothing."
I know, I saw the No Fear shirts that said that too. But this isn't a marketing strategy. This is a group of people that really wanted to do something that is seemingly impossible and accomplished it.
Despite giving me feelings of an unaccomplished life, the movie is really incredible. The pictures and video of Petit crossing the wire (a total of 8 times while taunting police that were standing on top of the towers waiting to arrest him), sitting on the wire and even laying down on the wire are astounding. Even more astounding than this. And before I saw this movie I thought nothing would ever be more astounding than the size of that woman's legs.
Do yourself a favor and watch these two movies. Your choices are basically either that or a Judd Apatow movie. Seems obvious doesn't it?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Oscar (Noun) - An English Word Meaning "BullSh#t"
Okay, I didn't even know the Oscars still exist. I guess they do because MSN informed me a complete list of the nominees came out today. I don't know who is hosting it this year, but I bet he/she will not be funny. And if he/she is funny I bet he/she will say only two funny (but offensive) things about Heath Ledger dying or 9/11 and will get no laughs from the audience. Why are people always scared to laugh at jokes about people dying? The room is filled with the most morally corrupt / entitled group of people on the planet and they are afraid to offended The Joker's baby mama. The point is I have not heard anything about Marisa Miller or Journey being involved so I'm not watching.
I did want to know what movies were nominated, however. I watch more movies than just about anyone I know because blockbuster mails them to me for a flat fee. I have this compulsion with getting my money's worth out of businesses so I am literally forced to watch as many movies as I can so - not to get ripped off. Anyway, I am running out of low-budget horror movies to rent so I am always up for suggestions. I assumed "The Academy" would have some pretty solid recommendations. What I did not take into account was that "the academy" consists of a turtle, an infant and an epileptic, blind monkey. So here is a breakdown of some of the nominees. This list could also be titled "Movies You Could Only Like if Your Other Option Was This Vixen."
BEST DIRECTOR:
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon"
Gus Van Sant, "Milk"
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader"
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire."
I have literally not seen any of these movies so you may think I am not qualified to talk about them. I would, in turn, think you should shut your man pleaser and stop reading now.
David Fincher - The Curious Case of Benjamin Gump - As far as I can tell this is a movie about a guy being born an old man and getting younger every year until he dies as an infant. As interesting as it sounds to see an old man covered in after birth AND an infant dying in the same movie, I'll pass. I have no idea what the stipulations are for being a good director, but in my humble opinion they get too much credit. There is no way a director can make this movie interesting with camera angles and fading out.
Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon - Opie makes more boring movies. If Andy Griffith were alive today (ed. note - I have no idea if Andy Griffith is still alive) I would ask him to slap Ron Howard. Why does he always have to make boring movies. he has made like 600 movies and not one freaking zombie. What does he have against zombies anyway?
Gus Van Sant - Milk - When did Lynard Skynard start making movies about gay guys?
Stephen Daldry - The Reader - A Holocaust Movie? I can't believe I am saying this, but I am starting to feel about the holocaust the same way I feel about bananas foster. It had a huge impact on me the first time I saw the flambe, but now I just want the damn banana (I'm not even sure that made sense). But congrats, S.D. - you made the HOLOCAUST uninteresting! I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen.
Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire - When I heard the title of this movie I thought it was awesome. I really thought I was going to like the movie based on the cool title. Then I saw the movie poster and said to myself - "Hey - that doesn't look like a mafia OR zombie movie."
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Josh Brolin, "Milk"
Robert Downey Jr., "Tropic Thunder";
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Doubt"
Heath Ledger, "The Dark Knight"
Michael Shannon, "Revolutionary Road."
We all know who is going to win here. I guess he was pretty good as The Joker, but lets not forget he died from mixing prescriptions while waiting on a massage. HE WAS ABOUT TO GET A MASSAGE AND OVERDOSED ON PRESCRIPTION PILLS! That is reason enough to avoid referring to him as "a winner." Robert Downey Jr. should be the clear winner here. He loves drugs and he is still able to pull off playing a black guy better than Obama. RDJ:1 HL:0.
Best ACTRESS:
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married"
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling"
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River"
Meryl Streep, "Doubt"
Kate Winslet, "The Reader."
At the risk of sounding like I care - I would probably agree with anyone that says Kate Winslet is one of the best actresses in recent memory. And her uncompromising willingness to disrobe for boring movies is admirable. I think Angelina Jolie is only getting credit for this because she isn't hot in this movie (at least not in the previews). Why are we expected to take an actor or actress seriously because the pretend to be ugly or retarded in movies? I think I speak for everyone when I say stop trying to act like you can be ordinary. People like Angelina Jolie and myself are often pressured to "ugly down" so we don't offend the rest of you. We get it - if you stay out of the sun for a year and cut your hair short - even attractive people can look like Powder. That's no reason to win an award. Actually that pretty much just encourages other attractive actresses to look ugly in movies. That's like encouraginbg Willy Wonka to grow vegetables. Stick to what you know you curly headed creep (that could go to Willy Wonka or Angelina Jolie in The Changling).
BEST ACTOR:
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor"
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon"
Sean Penn, "Milk"
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler."
Mickey Rourke - I want Mickey Rourke to win this because anyone that can get that kind of plastic surgery and not overdose deserves a nice comeback. Not to mention he seems Bat Sh#t crazy and I would really like to youtube his acceptance speech.
Richard Jenkins - I'm kind of a fan on this guy. He has been in some good movies and shows, but he seems more like a journeyman than anything else. He probably should have been nominated for Step Brothers since I have no idea what "The Visitor" is. Could it be a zombie movie? Cus That would change my vote.
Frank Langella - I saw the previews for this and his impression of Richard Nixon resembles Darrell Hammond's impression of Sean Connery on SNL. If he gets an award for this performance than Jim Carrey got snubbed for his portrayal of Ace Ventura.
Sean Penn - I have always hated Sean Penn. He is basically just like Keanu Reeves. Everyone seems to notice that Keanu Reeves only has one dumbfounded look, but no one cares that Sean Penn gets away with it. He is basically Spicolli in every role. If you throw him in a serious setting - he looks confused. Make him a stoner - he looks confused. Gay guy - confused, but with a limp wrist. Give him a retard role - confused and drooling. I feel like Will Ferrell's rant at the end of Zoolander. Mark my words - agree with me or not, Sean Penn is not a good actor.
Brad Pitt - See also: Angelina Jolie in The Changling
BEST PICTURE:
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
"Frost/Nixon"
"Milk"
"The Reader"
"Slumdog Millionaire."
Not one zombie...
These movies literally looked so bad I was recently trying to find a movie to go to and stayed home instead. The only movie I want to see (The Wrestler) is not even playing in my state. How is it that the boring abortions are always in every theater and the movies that actually look good are in "limited release?"
TCCOBB - Didn't the Wayan's Bros. already make this movie?
Frost/Nixon - A movie about an interview. That seems like a song about a poem.
Milk - Rewarding these kinds of movies with Oscars will only encourage more movies like this to be made. Gay is the new cinematic retarded. I don't have anything against it, but a movie about clipping finger nails would be more entertaining.
The Reader - Nazis? This movie needs Nazi zombies
Slumdog Millionaire - I can't tell you how disappointed I am that this movie even got made.
There they are. Your 2009 Oscar nominations. If anyone needs me I will be swinging by my neck from a belt in my closet.
Godspeed, people who still want to make entertaining movies. Godspeed.
I did want to know what movies were nominated, however. I watch more movies than just about anyone I know because blockbuster mails them to me for a flat fee. I have this compulsion with getting my money's worth out of businesses so I am literally forced to watch as many movies as I can so - not to get ripped off. Anyway, I am running out of low-budget horror movies to rent so I am always up for suggestions. I assumed "The Academy" would have some pretty solid recommendations. What I did not take into account was that "the academy" consists of a turtle, an infant and an epileptic, blind monkey. So here is a breakdown of some of the nominees. This list could also be titled "Movies You Could Only Like if Your Other Option Was This Vixen."
BEST DIRECTOR:
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon"
Gus Van Sant, "Milk"
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader"
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire."
I have literally not seen any of these movies so you may think I am not qualified to talk about them. I would, in turn, think you should shut your man pleaser and stop reading now.
David Fincher - The Curious Case of Benjamin Gump - As far as I can tell this is a movie about a guy being born an old man and getting younger every year until he dies as an infant. As interesting as it sounds to see an old man covered in after birth AND an infant dying in the same movie, I'll pass. I have no idea what the stipulations are for being a good director, but in my humble opinion they get too much credit. There is no way a director can make this movie interesting with camera angles and fading out.
Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon - Opie makes more boring movies. If Andy Griffith were alive today (ed. note - I have no idea if Andy Griffith is still alive) I would ask him to slap Ron Howard. Why does he always have to make boring movies. he has made like 600 movies and not one freaking zombie. What does he have against zombies anyway?
Gus Van Sant - Milk - When did Lynard Skynard start making movies about gay guys?
Stephen Daldry - The Reader - A Holocaust Movie? I can't believe I am saying this, but I am starting to feel about the holocaust the same way I feel about bananas foster. It had a huge impact on me the first time I saw the flambe, but now I just want the damn banana (I'm not even sure that made sense). But congrats, S.D. - you made the HOLOCAUST uninteresting! I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen.
Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire - When I heard the title of this movie I thought it was awesome. I really thought I was going to like the movie based on the cool title. Then I saw the movie poster and said to myself - "Hey - that doesn't look like a mafia OR zombie movie."
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Josh Brolin, "Milk"
Robert Downey Jr., "Tropic Thunder";
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Doubt"
Heath Ledger, "The Dark Knight"
Michael Shannon, "Revolutionary Road."
We all know who is going to win here. I guess he was pretty good as The Joker, but lets not forget he died from mixing prescriptions while waiting on a massage. HE WAS ABOUT TO GET A MASSAGE AND OVERDOSED ON PRESCRIPTION PILLS! That is reason enough to avoid referring to him as "a winner." Robert Downey Jr. should be the clear winner here. He loves drugs and he is still able to pull off playing a black guy better than Obama. RDJ:1 HL:0.
Best ACTRESS:
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married"
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling"
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River"
Meryl Streep, "Doubt"
Kate Winslet, "The Reader."
At the risk of sounding like I care - I would probably agree with anyone that says Kate Winslet is one of the best actresses in recent memory. And her uncompromising willingness to disrobe for boring movies is admirable. I think Angelina Jolie is only getting credit for this because she isn't hot in this movie (at least not in the previews). Why are we expected to take an actor or actress seriously because the pretend to be ugly or retarded in movies? I think I speak for everyone when I say stop trying to act like you can be ordinary. People like Angelina Jolie and myself are often pressured to "ugly down" so we don't offend the rest of you. We get it - if you stay out of the sun for a year and cut your hair short - even attractive people can look like Powder. That's no reason to win an award. Actually that pretty much just encourages other attractive actresses to look ugly in movies. That's like encouraginbg Willy Wonka to grow vegetables. Stick to what you know you curly headed creep (that could go to Willy Wonka or Angelina Jolie in The Changling).
BEST ACTOR:
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor"
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon"
Sean Penn, "Milk"
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler."
Mickey Rourke - I want Mickey Rourke to win this because anyone that can get that kind of plastic surgery and not overdose deserves a nice comeback. Not to mention he seems Bat Sh#t crazy and I would really like to youtube his acceptance speech.
Richard Jenkins - I'm kind of a fan on this guy. He has been in some good movies and shows, but he seems more like a journeyman than anything else. He probably should have been nominated for Step Brothers since I have no idea what "The Visitor" is. Could it be a zombie movie? Cus That would change my vote.
Frank Langella - I saw the previews for this and his impression of Richard Nixon resembles Darrell Hammond's impression of Sean Connery on SNL. If he gets an award for this performance than Jim Carrey got snubbed for his portrayal of Ace Ventura.
Sean Penn - I have always hated Sean Penn. He is basically just like Keanu Reeves. Everyone seems to notice that Keanu Reeves only has one dumbfounded look, but no one cares that Sean Penn gets away with it. He is basically Spicolli in every role. If you throw him in a serious setting - he looks confused. Make him a stoner - he looks confused. Gay guy - confused, but with a limp wrist. Give him a retard role - confused and drooling. I feel like Will Ferrell's rant at the end of Zoolander. Mark my words - agree with me or not, Sean Penn is not a good actor.
Brad Pitt - See also: Angelina Jolie in The Changling
BEST PICTURE:
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
"Frost/Nixon"
"Milk"
"The Reader"
"Slumdog Millionaire."
Not one zombie...
These movies literally looked so bad I was recently trying to find a movie to go to and stayed home instead. The only movie I want to see (The Wrestler) is not even playing in my state. How is it that the boring abortions are always in every theater and the movies that actually look good are in "limited release?"
TCCOBB - Didn't the Wayan's Bros. already make this movie?
Frost/Nixon - A movie about an interview. That seems like a song about a poem.
Milk - Rewarding these kinds of movies with Oscars will only encourage more movies like this to be made. Gay is the new cinematic retarded. I don't have anything against it, but a movie about clipping finger nails would be more entertaining.
The Reader - Nazis? This movie needs Nazi zombies
Slumdog Millionaire - I can't tell you how disappointed I am that this movie even got made.
There they are. Your 2009 Oscar nominations. If anyone needs me I will be swinging by my neck from a belt in my closet.
Godspeed, people who still want to make entertaining movies. Godspeed.
Monday, January 19, 2009
"Super" May Be Overstating It.
It takes a big man to admit when he was wrong. I wouldn't know, but that is what I have heard. I am, however, dumbfounded by the outcome of Sunday's early game which pitted the Philadelphia Eagles against the Arizona Cardinals. I don't understand how Arizona can keep winning. And they play really well and look like a good team doing it. It helps that Donovan Mcnabb turns the ball over alot, but in his defense (the only time I will come to his defense), if I saw Adrian Wilson coming off the corner, I would probably wet myself and drop the ball too. That guy is scary. Like... really scary. I think if he fought a gorilla, it would go the distance. Gorilla's don't give up easily.
The truth is, I actually like watching the Cardinals play. They are fun to watch and Larry Fitzgerald just might be the most electrifying man in sports entertainment (a title previously self applied by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). I think the best way to describe Fitzgerald's game is "Awesomely Awesome." He catches everything and then outruns everyone on the field. He is like TO or Ocho Cinco, but at the same time NOTHING like TO or Ocho Cinco in that his team wins and everyone seems to like him.
I can't wrap my mind around my feelings toward the Cardinals. Its like the logical side of my mind looks at them and laughs, but then when I watch them play I am entertained. It's like listening to Oasis. I have never wanted to not like a band so badly. But the music... it's just plain good.
The second (yawn) game on Sunday was the Pittsburgh Stillers against the Baltimore Ravens. This game went exactly how you would expect. Two good defenses and one boring offense with one terrible offense. Boring won, but you know who lost? America. America loses when the Steelers win. The Steelers defense is pretty impressive, but like the Cardinals, they had help. Joe Flacco's QB rating reads like the grade on an undiagnosed dyslexics English paper. The rookie stunned onlookers by going 13-30 with 141 yds passing - 0 TDs and 3 INTs. Elmer Fudd could give Joe Flacco advise on accuracy.
It's no secret - This Super bowl is going to suck. I will be cheering for the Cardinals, but they will need a miracle to get past the Stiller's defense. And then we will have to endure Steeler fans. They are the Cousin Eddie of NFL fans. The only people I hate to see have success more than Steeler fans are child molesters... and they are a close second. And then maybe we can put this season the rest and I will forget about this whole experience by the time the next season comes around.
Now onto something closer to my heart. We all know by now that Mike Tyson is the most devastating villian in a video game ever. Apparently I have done something right because now he can add documentary to his resume! The thought of this documentary makes me giddy. And it's not one of those documentaries where the director talks to everyone except the person the documentary is about... I hate when they do that. In this one, the director actually talk to Mike Tyson! And Mike Tyson talks back! Oh, man I can't wait for this. If anyone is planning on getting me a gift anytime soon - this is what I want. If given a choice between ths documentary and the wisdom of Soloman, I would really have to think about it. MTV was nice enough to provide a clip of the documentary and I don't want to spoil it, but in the clip he talks about meeting his first trainer. His initial reaction is beyond priceless. I'm not kidding. I am so excited about this movie.
If the link above didn't work, here it is - watch it, trust me:
http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2009/01/15/james-tobacks-tyson-documentary-debuts-at-sundance-get-your-first-look-here/
The truth is, I actually like watching the Cardinals play. They are fun to watch and Larry Fitzgerald just might be the most electrifying man in sports entertainment (a title previously self applied by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). I think the best way to describe Fitzgerald's game is "Awesomely Awesome." He catches everything and then outruns everyone on the field. He is like TO or Ocho Cinco, but at the same time NOTHING like TO or Ocho Cinco in that his team wins and everyone seems to like him.
I can't wrap my mind around my feelings toward the Cardinals. Its like the logical side of my mind looks at them and laughs, but then when I watch them play I am entertained. It's like listening to Oasis. I have never wanted to not like a band so badly. But the music... it's just plain good.
The second (yawn) game on Sunday was the Pittsburgh Stillers against the Baltimore Ravens. This game went exactly how you would expect. Two good defenses and one boring offense with one terrible offense. Boring won, but you know who lost? America. America loses when the Steelers win. The Steelers defense is pretty impressive, but like the Cardinals, they had help. Joe Flacco's QB rating reads like the grade on an undiagnosed dyslexics English paper. The rookie stunned onlookers by going 13-30 with 141 yds passing - 0 TDs and 3 INTs. Elmer Fudd could give Joe Flacco advise on accuracy.
It's no secret - This Super bowl is going to suck. I will be cheering for the Cardinals, but they will need a miracle to get past the Stiller's defense. And then we will have to endure Steeler fans. They are the Cousin Eddie of NFL fans. The only people I hate to see have success more than Steeler fans are child molesters... and they are a close second. And then maybe we can put this season the rest and I will forget about this whole experience by the time the next season comes around.
Now onto something closer to my heart. We all know by now that Mike Tyson is the most devastating villian in a video game ever. Apparently I have done something right because now he can add documentary to his resume! The thought of this documentary makes me giddy. And it's not one of those documentaries where the director talks to everyone except the person the documentary is about... I hate when they do that. In this one, the director actually talk to Mike Tyson! And Mike Tyson talks back! Oh, man I can't wait for this. If anyone is planning on getting me a gift anytime soon - this is what I want. If given a choice between ths documentary and the wisdom of Soloman, I would really have to think about it. MTV was nice enough to provide a clip of the documentary and I don't want to spoil it, but in the clip he talks about meeting his first trainer. His initial reaction is beyond priceless. I'm not kidding. I am so excited about this movie.
If the link above didn't work, here it is - watch it, trust me:
http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2009/01/15/james-tobacks-tyson-documentary-debuts-at-sundance-get-your-first-look-here/
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Another Day on the Job
To be honest - I have a real job. In the daily occurrences of said job I deal with the same people and the same problems day in and day out. Now I like my job, but as an office we all consider ourselves "dream crushers." People come to us daily with a perception of what they want and we, in turn, pee on their perception and give them a dose of reality. That being said - I brake up the monotony of dream crushing through (at least what I find entertaining) emails and phone calls. I recently emailed a question to a colleague and did not really expect a detailed response. It was more or less just for my own amusement. Her response, however should not, nay cannot be bottled up. It must be shared like wisdom and... herpes.
My question to her:
"If you could have any animal on Earth as a pet, what would it be? The pet would be house broken and trained.
A shark would obey you and never attack you. A monkey wouldn’t throw stuff at you. A badger wouldn’t bite you, ect…
Money, space and other limitations would not be an issue (meaning if you needed a huge saltwater tank like at sea world, you would have one).
It can literally be any animal extinct or still thriving. From dinosaurs to puppies.
What would it be and why?"
Her Response:
"Are you serious? Obviously a monkey!! Not a large one, just a regular sized monkey that came up to my hip. He could wear clothes and I would learn sign language. He would amuse me the entire time I was at my house....and get stuff for me like a servant b/c they have opposable thumbs. He would have this own bedroom and bathroom. He would be like the coolest roommate ever. I could even teach him to clean my entire house and have dinner ready when I got home from work. I love opposable thumbs.
What about you?"
I have not yet responded...
My question to her:
"If you could have any animal on Earth as a pet, what would it be? The pet would be house broken and trained.
A shark would obey you and never attack you. A monkey wouldn’t throw stuff at you. A badger wouldn’t bite you, ect…
Money, space and other limitations would not be an issue (meaning if you needed a huge saltwater tank like at sea world, you would have one).
It can literally be any animal extinct or still thriving. From dinosaurs to puppies.
What would it be and why?"
Her Response:
"Are you serious? Obviously a monkey!! Not a large one, just a regular sized monkey that came up to my hip. He could wear clothes and I would learn sign language. He would amuse me the entire time I was at my house....and get stuff for me like a servant b/c they have opposable thumbs. He would have this own bedroom and bathroom. He would be like the coolest roommate ever. I could even teach him to clean my entire house and have dinner ready when I got home from work. I love opposable thumbs.
What about you?"
I have not yet responded...
Monday, January 12, 2009
08-09 Suckfest - The NFL
I am getting the distinct feeling that the NFL wants no one to watch the Super Bowl. There are now only four teams remaining and I cannot think of four teams I have less interest in watching play football. There is literally NO reason to tune in to anymore football this season. So let's brake it down in case you disagree with me (yeah, right).
Team 1 - The Arizona Cardinals
The Arizona cardinals are the Atlanta Hawks of the NFL. It's like they forgot where they came from and decided to abandon their role as the only team expected to rival Detroit for the taint of the NFL. Wasted draft picks - check. Awful location - check. History of sucking - check. So where does Larry Fitzgerald get off living up to his hype? Can he not learn anything from Matt Leinart? The only thing worse than getting beat out by an old man for your starting position is getting beat out by an old man for your starting position and then completely losing your mind. This will not stand. 9-7 in the regular season and now they are one win away from the Super Bowl. The only thing that makes less sense than this is P. Diddy's reason for voting for Obama.
I think I speak for all of America when I say, "Hey, Cardinals. Get off your high horse. If we wanted you to be winners, we would have moved the team East."
Team 2 - The Philadelphia Eagles
Donovan Mcnabb is the reason I wish failure on people. I don't know why, but I just hate the guy. I don't really have any reason to other than he sucks and Jason Whitlock likes him. I guess that is reason enough. That and his chunky soup commercials. I don't really have anything against he Eagles except for Donovan Mcnabb. And I guess their fans supposedly suck, but I don't know any of their fans. They get a pass because I would be pissed too if I was forced to cheer for... look I don't want to beat a dad horse here. I just don't like him.
Speaking of beating dead horses, how 'bout those Broncos? Ok, I know their season has been over for a while, but I had to find something to say about beating dead horses.
I just thought of another reason to hate Philadelphia - Cheez Whiz. They put Cheez Whiz on "steak." Can you imagine sitting in a bar in philly when the Eagles score? The smell of onions and Cheez Whiz in the air. Grease running down all of the multiple chins on fat Philadelphians (just a side note - spell check recommends flatulence for Philadelphians... coincidence?) . Slippery high fives and big haired waitresses with hoop earrings serving up shats a' wyld turkey.
The long of the short? Philadelphia is gross and shouldn't still be playing.
Team 3 - The Pittsburgh Steelers
If there is a more heart-warming success story than Ben Ringledicker, I'd like to know it.
Man play college football at Miami, but not the good one.
Man gets drafted into the NFL and becomes youngest quarterback to win the Super Bowl
Man gets temporary permit and rides motorcycle without helmet
Man wrecks said motorcycle and almost dies
Man could play in this year's Super Bowl
If you need an argument against Natural Selection - See Big Ben.
And just a little about Stillers fans:
They say "Yunz" (you ones)
They don't shower *
They migrate south, but will always remind you of how great things are in up in Pittsburgh
They hate jews *
They think they are going to win the Super Bowl EVERY YEAR
They have huge chins
(*source needed)
If The Stillers win and the Eagles win, it will be an all-PA Super Bowl. This may actually be a good thing if the Gov't was looking for a place to test bombs.
Team 4 - The Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens literally suck and are only still in the playoffs because Tennessee is better at forcing their opponent to win than Baltimore. I have never seen two teams fight over losing like I saw in that game. Who do the Ravens have on their offense? A rookie from Delaware that is playing way beyond his means by not urinating on himself and an old wide receiver that used to be good at Tennessee. They have no way to score. All they can hope for is good field position and the wind to be at Matt Stover's back.
And I know they have a good defense. I know Ray Lewis is good. But, hey. OJ was good too. But if you kill someone, Karma is coming back like Mick Dundee's Boomerang. And who really cares about defense? I have to go with Jean Claude Van Damme here when he argued with Dennis Rodman in Double Team
JCVD: "Offense gets the glory"
DR: "But Defense wins the game"
Offense should get the glory. Did Ted McGinley play defense in The Nerds movies? Of course not. He scored on the field so he scored off the field. It's that simple. Am I right, Ladies? You know who you are. And who are you going to take advice from? Dennis Rodman or Jean Caude Van Damme?
That's what I thought.
To sum up:
Arizona Cardinals - Blah
Philadelphia Eagles - Fart Noise
Pittsburgh Steelers - Yawn
Baltimore Ravens - Gun Shots
Thank you 08-09 season. I will never get the time I spent watching you back.
My Predictions, you ask?
An all PA Super Bowl in which the Steelers bring it home. And we can all move on to better sports on TV.
Team 1 - The Arizona Cardinals
The Arizona cardinals are the Atlanta Hawks of the NFL. It's like they forgot where they came from and decided to abandon their role as the only team expected to rival Detroit for the taint of the NFL. Wasted draft picks - check. Awful location - check. History of sucking - check. So where does Larry Fitzgerald get off living up to his hype? Can he not learn anything from Matt Leinart? The only thing worse than getting beat out by an old man for your starting position is getting beat out by an old man for your starting position and then completely losing your mind. This will not stand. 9-7 in the regular season and now they are one win away from the Super Bowl. The only thing that makes less sense than this is P. Diddy's reason for voting for Obama.
I think I speak for all of America when I say, "Hey, Cardinals. Get off your high horse. If we wanted you to be winners, we would have moved the team East."
Team 2 - The Philadelphia Eagles
Donovan Mcnabb is the reason I wish failure on people. I don't know why, but I just hate the guy. I don't really have any reason to other than he sucks and Jason Whitlock likes him. I guess that is reason enough. That and his chunky soup commercials. I don't really have anything against he Eagles except for Donovan Mcnabb. And I guess their fans supposedly suck, but I don't know any of their fans. They get a pass because I would be pissed too if I was forced to cheer for... look I don't want to beat a dad horse here. I just don't like him.
Speaking of beating dead horses, how 'bout those Broncos? Ok, I know their season has been over for a while, but I had to find something to say about beating dead horses.
I just thought of another reason to hate Philadelphia - Cheez Whiz. They put Cheez Whiz on "steak." Can you imagine sitting in a bar in philly when the Eagles score? The smell of onions and Cheez Whiz in the air. Grease running down all of the multiple chins on fat Philadelphians (just a side note - spell check recommends flatulence for Philadelphians... coincidence?) . Slippery high fives and big haired waitresses with hoop earrings serving up shats a' wyld turkey.
The long of the short? Philadelphia is gross and shouldn't still be playing.
Team 3 - The Pittsburgh Steelers
If there is a more heart-warming success story than Ben Ringledicker, I'd like to know it.
Man play college football at Miami, but not the good one.
Man gets drafted into the NFL and becomes youngest quarterback to win the Super Bowl
Man gets temporary permit and rides motorcycle without helmet
Man wrecks said motorcycle and almost dies
Man could play in this year's Super Bowl
If you need an argument against Natural Selection - See Big Ben.
And just a little about Stillers fans:
They say "Yunz" (you ones)
They don't shower *
They migrate south, but will always remind you of how great things are in up in Pittsburgh
They hate jews *
They think they are going to win the Super Bowl EVERY YEAR
They have huge chins
(*source needed)
If The Stillers win and the Eagles win, it will be an all-PA Super Bowl. This may actually be a good thing if the Gov't was looking for a place to test bombs.
Team 4 - The Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens literally suck and are only still in the playoffs because Tennessee is better at forcing their opponent to win than Baltimore. I have never seen two teams fight over losing like I saw in that game. Who do the Ravens have on their offense? A rookie from Delaware that is playing way beyond his means by not urinating on himself and an old wide receiver that used to be good at Tennessee. They have no way to score. All they can hope for is good field position and the wind to be at Matt Stover's back.
And I know they have a good defense. I know Ray Lewis is good. But, hey. OJ was good too. But if you kill someone, Karma is coming back like Mick Dundee's Boomerang. And who really cares about defense? I have to go with Jean Claude Van Damme here when he argued with Dennis Rodman in Double Team
JCVD: "Offense gets the glory"
DR: "But Defense wins the game"
Offense should get the glory. Did Ted McGinley play defense in The Nerds movies? Of course not. He scored on the field so he scored off the field. It's that simple. Am I right, Ladies? You know who you are. And who are you going to take advice from? Dennis Rodman or Jean Caude Van Damme?
That's what I thought.
To sum up:
Arizona Cardinals - Blah
Philadelphia Eagles - Fart Noise
Pittsburgh Steelers - Yawn
Baltimore Ravens - Gun Shots
Thank you 08-09 season. I will never get the time I spent watching you back.
My Predictions, you ask?
An all PA Super Bowl in which the Steelers bring it home. And we can all move on to better sports on TV.
Friday, January 9, 2009
It looks like someone is listening... The Finger wants to know what happened to Ralph Macchio. The Finger gets his answer today:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478125,00.html
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478125,00.html
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
A Few of Life's (other) Certainties
Death and Taxes... Those seems to be the only two certainties people acknowledge anymore. Everything else seems to be up for discussion. Is Bret Favre too old to play football? Are Toaster Strudels better than Pop Tarts? Does anyone understand anything in Japanese pop culture? Well get ready to have your mind blown because I am going to give you a few more certainties. A few things that you can bank on in a world where nothing is certain except for repeat offenders and the absolute destruction that follows a night of Bacardi. As always, there is no need to thank me.
Certainty 1: If I am in a grocery line... it will be the slowest in the store
I don't know why this is the case. I must have been a real bung hole in a past life. I cannot get through a check-out line in less than 15 minutes. I can turn an express lane into the tobacco lane. I can get behind someone with 14 items in their cart and not only will they have 14 coupons, but the barcode on 12 items will not scan. Oh, and out of the 75 jars of Mayonaise, the lady had to grab the one that rings up as a Cadilliac. And she is always... always going to try and pay with the change she found in her couch cushion, realize she is $0.32 short and decide to write a check.
Why does anyone write checks, anyway? If you aren't making a car payment don't write a heck. Instead, just turn to me standing behind you and explain that your time is way more important than mine. Then you can still make your point and I can get home before I pee in my pants.
It is this reason that I hate Wal Mart. People are always talking about Walmart being an evil corporation. "Wal Mart sets their prices too low and drives independent stores out of business. They are evil. They set the costs for their suppliers. WHAAAH!"
Listen, that is called economies of scale and perfectly legal. In fact, it's just good business. Suppliers need their product in Wal Mart so Wal Mart has the advantage. Deal with it, liberals. Viva la Capitalism!
I do hate Wal Mart though. I hate Wal Mart because the entire front of the store is covered... literally from one end to the other with check out lanes. So why... WHY do they only have four cashiers working? Has anyone ever been to a Wal Mart where 50% of the lanes are open? 25%? Of course you haven't. Because that would get me through the line and the universe would implode. So while I'm stuck behind Lulu counting her pennies the rest of the Wal Mart cashier staff can sit on the wall beside the entrance and smoke on "break."
God forbid the guy handing out carts come push a few register buttons. That's not in his job description. He has to guard the photos of the children that have been missing for eleven years. AND THAT COMPUTER ENHANCED PHOTO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE WHAT THAT INFANT WOULD LOOK LIKE AS A TEENAGER! How did I even end up on this tangent? And don't even get me started on the U-Scan lanes. Every item I scan I hear, "Please wait for cashier." If I wanted to wait on a cashier, I would have stood behind Lulu!
Certainty 2: Basketball is the best sport on Earth
Now I know what you are thinking: "I hate it when I have to pay extra for ranch dressing with my chicken wings." But you may also be thinking that football is the best sport. You may also be wrong.
Now I have nothing against football. I actually love football. I love tailgating and going to games. I watch as much as I can on TV. But college sports are inherenltly better than professional sports. Mostly because the players have not yet been arrested and let off of the hook (at least that is the way it used to be). College football is just more exciting than the NFL because of the people in the stands.
The professional organizations have killed the football fan. They have inflated ticket prices and built small shopping centers in the arena. $8 beers and $12 pretzels keep the loyal fans from staying drunk and obnoxious in the forth quarter. The only people that can afford to go to games and have a good time can't tailgate and watch a whole game without a nap.
A large portion of college stadiums, on the other hand are filled with college students. College students can tailgate for 4 hours before a 10am game. And in the majority of college stadiums there is no alcohol... served. This means that guys are left up to their own devices to get alcohol into the stadiums. The need to do this so they can :
A: Stay drunk during the 4 hours they are at the stadium
and
B: Have it on hand in case a girl near by needs to stay drunk enough to make some bad decisions after the game.
Certainty 1: If I am in a grocery line... it will be the slowest in the store
I don't know why this is the case. I must have been a real bung hole in a past life. I cannot get through a check-out line in less than 15 minutes. I can turn an express lane into the tobacco lane. I can get behind someone with 14 items in their cart and not only will they have 14 coupons, but the barcode on 12 items will not scan. Oh, and out of the 75 jars of Mayonaise, the lady had to grab the one that rings up as a Cadilliac. And she is always... always going to try and pay with the change she found in her couch cushion, realize she is $0.32 short and decide to write a check.
Why does anyone write checks, anyway? If you aren't making a car payment don't write a heck. Instead, just turn to me standing behind you and explain that your time is way more important than mine. Then you can still make your point and I can get home before I pee in my pants.
It is this reason that I hate Wal Mart. People are always talking about Walmart being an evil corporation. "Wal Mart sets their prices too low and drives independent stores out of business. They are evil. They set the costs for their suppliers. WHAAAH!"
Listen, that is called economies of scale and perfectly legal. In fact, it's just good business. Suppliers need their product in Wal Mart so Wal Mart has the advantage. Deal with it, liberals. Viva la Capitalism!
I do hate Wal Mart though. I hate Wal Mart because the entire front of the store is covered... literally from one end to the other with check out lanes. So why... WHY do they only have four cashiers working? Has anyone ever been to a Wal Mart where 50% of the lanes are open? 25%? Of course you haven't. Because that would get me through the line and the universe would implode. So while I'm stuck behind Lulu counting her pennies the rest of the Wal Mart cashier staff can sit on the wall beside the entrance and smoke on "break."
God forbid the guy handing out carts come push a few register buttons. That's not in his job description. He has to guard the photos of the children that have been missing for eleven years. AND THAT COMPUTER ENHANCED PHOTO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE WHAT THAT INFANT WOULD LOOK LIKE AS A TEENAGER! How did I even end up on this tangent? And don't even get me started on the U-Scan lanes. Every item I scan I hear, "Please wait for cashier." If I wanted to wait on a cashier, I would have stood behind Lulu!
Certainty 2: Basketball is the best sport on Earth
Now I know what you are thinking: "I hate it when I have to pay extra for ranch dressing with my chicken wings." But you may also be thinking that football is the best sport. You may also be wrong.
Now I have nothing against football. I actually love football. I love tailgating and going to games. I watch as much as I can on TV. But college sports are inherenltly better than professional sports. Mostly because the players have not yet been arrested and let off of the hook (at least that is the way it used to be). College football is just more exciting than the NFL because of the people in the stands.
The professional organizations have killed the football fan. They have inflated ticket prices and built small shopping centers in the arena. $8 beers and $12 pretzels keep the loyal fans from staying drunk and obnoxious in the forth quarter. The only people that can afford to go to games and have a good time can't tailgate and watch a whole game without a nap.
A large portion of college stadiums, on the other hand are filled with college students. College students can tailgate for 4 hours before a 10am game. And in the majority of college stadiums there is no alcohol... served. This means that guys are left up to their own devices to get alcohol into the stadiums. The need to do this so they can :
A: Stay drunk during the 4 hours they are at the stadium
and
B: Have it on hand in case a girl near by needs to stay drunk enough to make some bad decisions after the game.
This is a recipe for a great football atmosphere. Every decent team every year is expected to win a BCS Bowl and when the team loses it's third game the entire student section turns on the them. The way God intended it. There is one major flaw in college football though. I'm not going to mention it because it should be obvious. I'll give you a hint: it is three letters and it rhymes with "so who is the best team?"
Football has an immediate disqualification because OSU can play for a national championship. Suck it football fans.
Now you may also be thinking to yourself that baseball is the best game in the world. I would like to remind you that a gun is the most effective way to kill yourself.
You could make a case for golf, but it loses mostly because they only put good players in tournaments. Personally I think if you want ratings you should put me on TV playing golf on a Sunday afternoon. The cost to run a commercial would rival the Super Bowl within 3 weeks.
Basketball wins because its awesome... and by default... and because of Dwight Howard
Certainty 3: Mike Tyson is the most destructive video game bad guy in history
1 punch? Really, Nintendo people? That's just crazy. And why is he a bad guy in his own video game? It's called Mike Tyson's Punch-Out and Mike Tyson is the enemy at the end of the game. Let me take you on a little journey to the converstaion that took place between Mike Tyson and the game developer:
Game developer: "Mike, we want to make a boxing video game where you work your way up the ranks and weight classes from amatuer boxer to heavyweight champion."
Mike Tyson: "But I already is the champ."
GD: "No I know. but the only other option would be have someone else fight you for the heavyweight championship. And it's your game so we wanted you to be the protagonist."
MT: "I don't know nothin' about no protons, but I already is the champ."
GD: "So you want to be the bad guy in your own video game? I guess we could just make you almost impossible to beat."
MT: "I want a samich!"
GD: "Can we get him a sandwich? he has that look in his eye again..."
The road to Mike Tyson is paved with overweight guys, french guys and guys that have never been trained not to expose a weakness. It's pretty much a cake walk. And your reward? Fight a guy that will kill you with one punch. Thanks, Nintendo. Now I have to go back and fight Bald Bull for the fourth time.
Certainty 4: John Candy > Chris Farley
This is not up for discussion. John Candy was a far better actor than Chris Farley and made better movies than Chris Farley. I thought Tommy Boy was funny too, but it is nothing compared to Uncle Buck. And Black Sheep couldn't hold a candle to The Great Outdoors. And that explorer movie with the guy from friends sucked compared to Canadian Bacon.
And let's not forget the holy grail of John Candy movies: Who's Harry Crumb?
Who's Harry Crumb? might top my list of all time favorite movies. If you have never seen it, shame on you. Shame on you straight to Hades. Run to your computer and put it in your Blockbuster Queue. Then after you watch it we can quote it and stuff. And all of the losers that didn't take this advise will be left out. Ha! Losers.
I know John Candy was Canadian and this may make me un-American. But there is just no denying it. I don't really think Mike Myers is that funny and he is Canadian. I think Louis CK is funny and as far as I know, he is American. ALL of these men pale in comparison to the comedic bright light that is John Candy.
On top of all that, John Candy died the way a fat man should die - of a heart attack. None of this silly overdose crap. Unless you consider a heart attack an overdose of clogged arteries. Then I guess I can't make that point. But still, Ween never dedicated an album to Chris Farley. RIP John Candy.
Certainty 5: Ralph Macchio should still be making movies
He was good The Outsiders. He was good in Karate Kid. He was good in My Cousin Vinny. So he must have either wanted to quit acting or he has the worst agent in history. Can I get another Ralph Macchio movie please?
Friday, January 2, 2009
Reasons to be Alive in 2009
I typically do not like New Year's resolutions... mostly because I have to listen to you lie about melting away those "holiday pounds" (i.e. -the 45 pounds of booze you have put on since H.S.). But take the gun out of your mouth. You will never get back into those jeans again, but I'm here for you and if I can believe it, I can achieve it so I am going to set a goal that I will accomplish and you can live vicariously through me. That should make you feel better about the fact that you haven't done anything with your life, right? However due to my potential, limiting myself to one goal would be like Michelangelo limiting himself to water colors. I will therefore list no less than 5 goals for 2009. I will not prioritize my goals as I don't want to hurt any of my goal's feelings. Like when you came in last in that relay race in third grade field day, but you still got a ribbon. Nice work. You participated... poorly.
Goal 1: Record at least 1 thunderous blocked shot playing pick up basketball
1. The block will have to be on a lay-up - Blocked jump shots are nice. They can never be thunderous, however because the shooter will see it coming. The shooter will see me in front of him and will therefore, not be surprised when I treat his jump shot like Michael Vick treats pit bulls. Also I close out so not to get beat baseline. I'm not giving up my fundamentals for some silly resolution. But there is nothing better in the sport of basketball than the look on a man's face when the proverbial rug is pulled out from under his uncontested layup .
2. The ball must land out of bounds - If you can't block a shot with enough force to send it into the stands, you didn't swing momentum. If you didn't swing momentum, you might as well have let him score and kicked a puppy.
3. At least two people must shout "Ooooooohhhh!" when I block it. Don't kid yourself - It is only thunderous if your peers acknowledge it is thunderous. Kind of like when Lucas played pick-up and he would call a foul every time he didn't score. But as his peers - we never acknowledged they were fouls so he was basically cheating. To uphold the integrity of the game we gave him the ball back because that is what you do when someone calls a foul, but I like to think he had trouble sleeping at night knowing everyone else knew he just dribbled off his foot and no one touched him.
Why only 1 thunderous block, you ask? Let's just say much like Hugh Hefner, I'm not the player I used to be.
Goal 2: Totally confuse someone
I have not yet decided how I will do this. I do know I will have to do something to someone that would seemingly make perfect sense, but in reality would make no sense at all. I can't give away too many details but I think this will be some sort of prank/practical joke on someone I have never met before, but with whom I share a mutual friend. This will allow me access to personal details about said prankee's life, but the prankee will have no idea who I am.
This goal will take careful planning and precision, but if achieved - will be a monumental victory securing my place in the Awesome Person Hall of Fame. The art of purposely leaving someone completely and utterly baffled is a craft that I will perfect in 2009. I'm not saying I want to drive anyone to suicide, but at least make someone second guess their own sanity.
I also will never reveal the plot to my target. This will assure me that they will go to their grave wondering what in hades happened back in 2009.
Goal 3: I will learn how to type "Thanks" consistently
I am not in any danger of winning any typing contests, but I should at least be able to type the word "thanks." Like just then, I originally typed "thakns." I don't know why, but I end every email with some form of the word "thanks" that isn't actually "thanks." some common variations of the word are as follows:
Thnaks
Tahnks
Thasnk
Thansk
Tahkns
I breakout into a cold sweat when I get to the end of an email. I truly suck at typing anyway as I only use my index fingers. Now I know you are thinking something like, "That's funny. You can only type with two fingers." To which I would reply, "Two fingers was plenty for your mother." And then we would have a good laugh because I don't really have anything against your mother.
Anyway, I don't think there is any word I type more consistently wrong that the word "thanks." It is at the bottom of every email I send, yet I still mess it up at least 98% of the time. That is all I am going to say about this because it has taken me 30 minutes to write this goal. I have literally had to fix the word "thanks" every time I typed it.
Goal 4: Watch every movie ever made with the word "Zombie" in the title
I love low-budget cheesy horror movies. Mostly because there is no mistaking the movies intentions. There is no bigger waste of time than watching a terrible movie that was supposed to be good. Did anyone walk away from Atonement or Memoirs of a Geisha and say, "Now that is how you spend two and a half hours and $10. If you are like me you said, "Can we just pull my toenails out next time?"
In my experience, most movies that are supposed to be blockbusters suck. And most movies that are supposed to be funny are made by Judd Apatow and most movies that are supposed to make you think just make you think about why you watch movies.
Not cheesy horror movies though. They are exactly what they are supposed to be. Tons of unrealistic bloodshed, campy one liners, recognizable (but not famous) actors that are merely working for the paycheck - not to make a statement. And most importantly they are full of laughs. I don't care if it is intentional or not. Grizzly Man (the documentary - not the horror movie) was hilarious, but was supposed to merely tell the story of a guy that lived with bears... and was eventually eaten by a bear.
Zombie movies are probably the best example of the cheesy horror movie genre. What's not to like about a zombie movie? Unless you find yourself in one and you are black (that's not racist. click the link... it's just fact).
Goal 5: Bring back wiffle ball
So there they are... my goals for 2009. You will, of course be updated on these as I accomplish these goals. You're welcome.
Goal 1: Record at least 1 thunderous blocked shot playing pick up basketball
This is what I miss most about competitive basketball. Not dunks, not threes, not buzzer beaters, not steals... THUNDEROUS BLOCKS!
1. The block will have to be on a lay-up - Blocked jump shots are nice. They can never be thunderous, however because the shooter will see it coming. The shooter will see me in front of him and will therefore, not be surprised when I treat his jump shot like Michael Vick treats pit bulls. Also I close out so not to get beat baseline. I'm not giving up my fundamentals for some silly resolution. But there is nothing better in the sport of basketball than the look on a man's face when the proverbial rug is pulled out from under his uncontested layup .
2. The ball must land out of bounds - If you can't block a shot with enough force to send it into the stands, you didn't swing momentum. If you didn't swing momentum, you might as well have let him score and kicked a puppy.
3. At least two people must shout "Ooooooohhhh!" when I block it. Don't kid yourself - It is only thunderous if your peers acknowledge it is thunderous. Kind of like when Lucas played pick-up and he would call a foul every time he didn't score. But as his peers - we never acknowledged they were fouls so he was basically cheating. To uphold the integrity of the game we gave him the ball back because that is what you do when someone calls a foul, but I like to think he had trouble sleeping at night knowing everyone else knew he just dribbled off his foot and no one touched him.
Why only 1 thunderous block, you ask? Let's just say much like Hugh Hefner, I'm not the player I used to be.
Goal 2: Totally confuse someone
I have not yet decided how I will do this. I do know I will have to do something to someone that would seemingly make perfect sense, but in reality would make no sense at all. I can't give away too many details but I think this will be some sort of prank/practical joke on someone I have never met before, but with whom I share a mutual friend. This will allow me access to personal details about said prankee's life, but the prankee will have no idea who I am.
This goal will take careful planning and precision, but if achieved - will be a monumental victory securing my place in the Awesome Person Hall of Fame. The art of purposely leaving someone completely and utterly baffled is a craft that I will perfect in 2009. I'm not saying I want to drive anyone to suicide, but at least make someone second guess their own sanity.
I also will never reveal the plot to my target. This will assure me that they will go to their grave wondering what in hades happened back in 2009.
Goal 3: I will learn how to type "Thanks" consistently
I am not in any danger of winning any typing contests, but I should at least be able to type the word "thanks." Like just then, I originally typed "thakns." I don't know why, but I end every email with some form of the word "thanks" that isn't actually "thanks." some common variations of the word are as follows:
Thnaks
Tahnks
Thasnk
Thansk
Tahkns
I breakout into a cold sweat when I get to the end of an email. I truly suck at typing anyway as I only use my index fingers. Now I know you are thinking something like, "That's funny. You can only type with two fingers." To which I would reply, "Two fingers was plenty for your mother." And then we would have a good laugh because I don't really have anything against your mother.
Anyway, I don't think there is any word I type more consistently wrong that the word "thanks." It is at the bottom of every email I send, yet I still mess it up at least 98% of the time. That is all I am going to say about this because it has taken me 30 minutes to write this goal. I have literally had to fix the word "thanks" every time I typed it.
Goal 4: Watch every movie ever made with the word "Zombie" in the title
I love low-budget cheesy horror movies. Mostly because there is no mistaking the movies intentions. There is no bigger waste of time than watching a terrible movie that was supposed to be good. Did anyone walk away from Atonement or Memoirs of a Geisha and say, "Now that is how you spend two and a half hours and $10. If you are like me you said, "Can we just pull my toenails out next time?"
In my experience, most movies that are supposed to be blockbusters suck. And most movies that are supposed to be funny are made by Judd Apatow and most movies that are supposed to make you think just make you think about why you watch movies.
Not cheesy horror movies though. They are exactly what they are supposed to be. Tons of unrealistic bloodshed, campy one liners, recognizable (but not famous) actors that are merely working for the paycheck - not to make a statement. And most importantly they are full of laughs. I don't care if it is intentional or not. Grizzly Man (the documentary - not the horror movie) was hilarious, but was supposed to merely tell the story of a guy that lived with bears... and was eventually eaten by a bear.
Zombie movies are probably the best example of the cheesy horror movie genre. What's not to like about a zombie movie? Unless you find yourself in one and you are black (that's not racist. click the link... it's just fact).
Goal 5: Bring back wiffle ball
Why did we ever stop playing wiffle ball? It's an exciting version of baseball, but you can throw the ball at the base runner. And you don't have to worry about the pitcher bouncing the ball like in kickball. It just makes sense that everyone start playing it again. When have I ever been wrong?
So there they are... my goals for 2009. You will, of course be updated on these as I accomplish these goals. You're welcome.
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