It's over. It was the bananas and soup. It was just... too much. I broke down last night. My wife agreed that soup was a terrible idea for dinner so we went for sushi. I would say I feel guilty, but in all reality - I feel so much better. So what did I learn about a crash diet?
I learned that ultimately it is much better/easier to set limitations on your everyday behavior than to go to extremes for a short period of time. I see that there is clearly a place for a diet that is this extreme. If someone has to loose a considerable amount of weight before a surgery, this would be pretty effective. And I suppose maybe I did feel pretty good, but I didn't feel bad to begin with.
I would, however say the most important lesson I learned from all of this is that black coffee sucks. I don't care how stupid I look putting cream and sugar in my coffee. Scoff at me if you want, coffee enthusiast girl at bongo java. I don't care where your beans come from. Black coffee taste like hot, bitter urine... not that I would know.
If this disappointed you and it seemed like an anti-climactic ending, well now you know how your significant other feels (boo-yaaaah!). And some people (I'm looking at you, Ann Coulter) teased me about this and thought it made me girly. I began to wonder so I reached out to a man that I know has more testosterone pumping through his veins than I do for his opinion. He could not be reached , however because as it turns out he does not exist. I'm going to go shave now and maybe pump some iron.
(flexes and kisses bicep)
Friday, September 4, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Day 4: Stuck in my cabana, livin' on bananas and soup
Today I can eat bananas and soup... all day. That's it. Dunston himself did not have to deal with such a menu. Oh yeah - and I am supposed to drink all of the skim milk I can stand. After one glass, I may have hit the wall. On the bright side - I can put skim milk in my coffee... or so I thought until I did it. It doesn't look right. It looks like muddy water with a gray/depressed tint to it. I know I'm complaining a lot, but I don't want to give the idea this diet is easy or even remotely enjoyable. The plus side, as you can imagine is a supposedly "clean" body and as of this morning I have lost 6 lbs. 6 lbs in 3 days is not too bad. Now I know I will gain all of it back with the first chicken wing, but at least I know what to do a week before my next "Men of Project Management - Specific to the Sign Industry" topless calender shoot. It's an exclusive group - you probably haven't heard of it. Long waiting lists, ect, ect...
- All I have eaten today is bananas. I am actually scared to eat the soup again so I have avoided it to the point that it is 1:20pm and I have eaten 5 bananas today. I once saw Jeff Corwin throw up from eating too many bananas. I thought maybe it was faked for television, but I think I see now that it had to be real. I can feel my will power fading. I don't want dinner tonight. I just want to sleep through the next three days.
- It's almost the end of my work day and my stomach is empty. I ran out of bananas three hours ago. All I have left to eat is soup. I'll see you in hell, soup. I'd rather die than eat another bite of you. I'm not sure what tonight will bring. I'd say with any luck it will bring Armageddon (end of world, not Ben Affleck movie).
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Day 3 - Fruits AND Vegetables. Slow Down, Variety. I'm Only One Man.
Day three of my drastic overhaul and today is a real treat. I can eat all of the fruits AND vegetables I want (along with the soup). Pear for breakfast because I have stopped trying. I'm also clinically losing my mind. I just tried to stir my coffee at work before I realized it was black coffee and there was nothing to stir. To be honest - I did wake up this morning immediately more alert than I typically am at 5:30am and I ran faster and longer last night than I typically like to run (to the mailbox and back). So maybe there is something to this diet, although I would never admit it. For now I will continue to complain and enjoy this black coffee - or as I like to call it, "Devil's spit." Black coffee is so gross.
- It's almost soup time. I miss meet. Meet? Did I spell that right? I can't remember anymore. Look - all I'm trying to say is that at some point someone is going to have to pay back all this government lent money.
- Lunch was a bowl of soup. It is getting pretty old (i.e. repetitive, not rotten). I had to drink enough water to wash the taste of tomato and chicken broth out of my mouth. I think I feel better, but I can't tell if I have just convinced my self of it or I really am invincible.
- If you cook a portobello mushroom in Dale's marinade - it kind of taste like meat. And more to the point... it's not soup.
- It's almost soup time. I miss meet. Meet? Did I spell that right? I can't remember anymore. Look - all I'm trying to say is that at some point someone is going to have to pay back all this government lent money.
- Lunch was a bowl of soup. It is getting pretty old (i.e. repetitive, not rotten). I had to drink enough water to wash the taste of tomato and chicken broth out of my mouth. I think I feel better, but I can't tell if I have just convinced my self of it or I really am invincible.
- If you cook a portobello mushroom in Dale's marinade - it kind of taste like meat. And more to the point... it's not soup.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Day 2: Vegetables Dipped in Resentment
Day one of seven is in the books and I'm pretty happy to be one day closer to the end of the diet. It has not really been all that bad. The soup is good enough, but I never really felt like I should stop eating. Eventually I just got bored and quit. I have discovered that the key to eating all fruits and vegetables is to stay busy so you don't think about the fact that you miss bread. Another thing I have noticed over the last 24 hours is the insane amount of exposure people have to food that is bad for us. I think every commercial on TV was about fast food, alcohol, pizza or (God help me) cheese sticks.
- Breakfast this morning created a challenge I never considered before now. There are no vegetables (other than potatoes) that you can eat by themselves for breakfast. A client at work thought he had solved my problems by - well... "Celery with peanut butter and raisins. You’ll have to sneak the peanut butter and raisins past the guards, though." A great idea. I was also maybe thinking I would have lettuce and a tomato, but try to sneak bacon past the guards. Or maybe I could have a cucumber but try and sneak in some eggs and sausage. I will settle for tomato juice instead. tomato juice... for breakfast. I was thinking maybe later I'd try to find a purse to match these shoes too (quote from J. Weber regarding weight loss via work email- 2009).
- It's 11 am and all I have had today is tomato juice. Three glasses of tomato juice and one cup of black coffee. Black coffee sucks. I'm looking forward to lunch. More soup. I brought some edamame to spice things up. I already feel lighter, but that may just be dizziness. I did look especially vibrant this morning when I woke up. I could be a model by next Sunday. So to sum up - I'm really sexy. I'll let you know how lunch goes.
- I ate one bowl of soup for lunch. I'm still hungry but I am starting to resent soup so I decided to take a break. I also just read that thousands of tropical fish died in a Russian airport this week. So I guess it could be worse. I could be a tropical fish in Russia.
- I was given coupons for free burgers from Hardees at work. Fate is a pitiless whore.
- Dinner was vegetables and - as the diet literature put it, "treat yourself to a baked potato..." Thanks, diet. I am treating myself to what constitutes as filler in most meals. Regardless it's good to have a carbohydrate. I feel like I'm done eating for the night. But do you know what really pisses me off? I got disc 6 of the final season of Deadwood from Blockbuster in the mail and do you know what it was? The Special Features! I got to learn how Ian McShane and Timothy Olyphant got into character. Screw you, overpaid clown. I want to see Bullock slap a feeble Deadwood resident and Swearengen curse out a prostitute.
- Breakfast this morning created a challenge I never considered before now. There are no vegetables (other than potatoes) that you can eat by themselves for breakfast. A client at work thought he had solved my problems by - well... "Celery with peanut butter and raisins. You’ll have to sneak the peanut butter and raisins past the guards, though." A great idea. I was also maybe thinking I would have lettuce and a tomato, but try to sneak bacon past the guards. Or maybe I could have a cucumber but try and sneak in some eggs and sausage. I will settle for tomato juice instead. tomato juice... for breakfast. I was thinking maybe later I'd try to find a purse to match these shoes too (quote from J. Weber regarding weight loss via work email- 2009).
- It's 11 am and all I have had today is tomato juice. Three glasses of tomato juice and one cup of black coffee. Black coffee sucks. I'm looking forward to lunch. More soup. I brought some edamame to spice things up. I already feel lighter, but that may just be dizziness. I did look especially vibrant this morning when I woke up. I could be a model by next Sunday. So to sum up - I'm really sexy. I'll let you know how lunch goes.
- I ate one bowl of soup for lunch. I'm still hungry but I am starting to resent soup so I decided to take a break. I also just read that thousands of tropical fish died in a Russian airport this week. So I guess it could be worse. I could be a tropical fish in Russia.
- I was given coupons for free burgers from Hardees at work. Fate is a pitiless whore.
- Dinner was vegetables and - as the diet literature put it, "treat yourself to a baked potato..." Thanks, diet. I am treating myself to what constitutes as filler in most meals. Regardless it's good to have a carbohydrate. I feel like I'm done eating for the night. But do you know what really pisses me off? I got disc 6 of the final season of Deadwood from Blockbuster in the mail and do you know what it was? The Special Features! I got to learn how Ian McShane and Timothy Olyphant got into character. Screw you, overpaid clown. I want to see Bullock slap a feeble Deadwood resident and Swearengen curse out a prostitute.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Cleansing or Emaciation... I'll decide
If you have ever been married you know without exception, at some point you have had to make sacrifices. Hopefully nothing too major, but you have probably given something up because... well to be honest when two people live in close proximity they will either murder each other or learn to compromise. Now by nature, I don't compromise well. For me compromising consists of watching "The Bachelorette" and pointing out to my wife every reason the show is fake and stupid as it happens. Lucky her.
I have been asked to make another compromise this week. That's right - the bachelorette is two hours of whining and complaining and now my wife is going to attempt to live with me "compromising" for 7 full days. Nevertheless, I do want to support her on her ideas that will ultimately benefit our overall well being. Now she recently stumbled upon a "cleansing diet." As I understand it the premise is this: consume tons of fiber and your body will rid itself of any impurities... through your ass.
After reading the diet I can say I see how this works. Eat nothing but fruit and vegetables for a week and your body will be flushed (so to speak). I agreed to do it and will record my findings in this blog for you... the reader. Then you can decide if this is something you want to shame your better half into trying. The basics are as follows:
Day one - Nothing but fruit and the diet soup (broth and vegetables).
Day two - Nothing but vegetables and the diet soup
Day three - Nothing but bananas and skim milk and the diet soup
Day four - I can't remember off the top of my head, but I'm sure it's going to suck
Day five - If I am still alive I will continue to deprive myself of anything good... or something like that
Day six - More self loathing and dreaming of fried food
Day seven - Threats of bitter divorce and bed rest
Those may not all be 100% accurate, but you get the idea. Anyway...
Day 1 - Monday August 31st:
- Breakfast this morning consisted of a "Smoothie." I put the word "smoothie" in quotation marks because the root word "smooth" is misleading. Due to dietary restrictions - my "smoothie" could not contain any dairy products (yogurt, milk, ect.) and therefore consisted of fruit, ice and water. Because it contained no dairy it was roughly the texture of driveway gravel except - you know... wet. I can't say that I'm still hungry so that is a plus, but let's not kid ourselves here - That smoothie could have used some hash browns.
- It's now 11 am. I can't tell if I'm actually hungry or if I just miss my usual lunch sandwich already. I guess I will find out in an hour when I eat my... fruit. 'Cus that's all I get, remember? Thanks for reminding me. No wonder people don't like you.
- Lunch time - You know what is on the menu. I am going to attempt to get full by eating stuff that is made up mostly of water. If I can pull this off, I may reward myself with a nice glass of water. I have to pee.
- Ok, I ate a bowl of fruit that is clearly larger than my stomach, but somehow I am not full. That begs the question, "Just how fast is this stuff digesting?" It is 12:30 now. I'm going to see how long it will be before I'm hungry again.
- 12:58 - Hungry again.
- It's about a half an hour before I leave from work. I managed to make it to lunch without any complications today. Since lunch I think I have eaten a piece of fruit every half hour. I'm not even exaggerating. I brought a comically over sized bag of mixed fruits into to work as a precaution in case I did get really hungry. I am down to one apple. I have peed approximately 75 times today. Tomorrow I am going to have to bring is a bed pan just to get some work done. Even as I type this I am thinking about the apple next to me. I have to save it for the ride home, though. Dinner tonight will consist of soup and if I'm still hungry - more fruit.
- Dinner was two bowls of soup. I am full, but I still feel like I should be eating. I'm going to sleep before I get hungry again. Here is to hoping I don't wet the bed. Tomorrow is all veggies.
I have been asked to make another compromise this week. That's right - the bachelorette is two hours of whining and complaining and now my wife is going to attempt to live with me "compromising" for 7 full days. Nevertheless, I do want to support her on her ideas that will ultimately benefit our overall well being. Now she recently stumbled upon a "cleansing diet." As I understand it the premise is this: consume tons of fiber and your body will rid itself of any impurities... through your ass.
After reading the diet I can say I see how this works. Eat nothing but fruit and vegetables for a week and your body will be flushed (so to speak). I agreed to do it and will record my findings in this blog for you... the reader. Then you can decide if this is something you want to shame your better half into trying. The basics are as follows:
Day one - Nothing but fruit and the diet soup (broth and vegetables).
Day two - Nothing but vegetables and the diet soup
Day three - Nothing but bananas and skim milk and the diet soup
Day four - I can't remember off the top of my head, but I'm sure it's going to suck
Day five - If I am still alive I will continue to deprive myself of anything good... or something like that
Day six - More self loathing and dreaming of fried food
Day seven - Threats of bitter divorce and bed rest
Those may not all be 100% accurate, but you get the idea. Anyway...
Day 1 - Monday August 31st:
- Breakfast this morning consisted of a "Smoothie." I put the word "smoothie" in quotation marks because the root word "smooth" is misleading. Due to dietary restrictions - my "smoothie" could not contain any dairy products (yogurt, milk, ect.) and therefore consisted of fruit, ice and water. Because it contained no dairy it was roughly the texture of driveway gravel except - you know... wet. I can't say that I'm still hungry so that is a plus, but let's not kid ourselves here - That smoothie could have used some hash browns.
- It's now 11 am. I can't tell if I'm actually hungry or if I just miss my usual lunch sandwich already. I guess I will find out in an hour when I eat my... fruit. 'Cus that's all I get, remember? Thanks for reminding me. No wonder people don't like you.
- Lunch time - You know what is on the menu. I am going to attempt to get full by eating stuff that is made up mostly of water. If I can pull this off, I may reward myself with a nice glass of water. I have to pee.
- Ok, I ate a bowl of fruit that is clearly larger than my stomach, but somehow I am not full. That begs the question, "Just how fast is this stuff digesting?" It is 12:30 now. I'm going to see how long it will be before I'm hungry again.
- 12:58 - Hungry again.
- It's about a half an hour before I leave from work. I managed to make it to lunch without any complications today. Since lunch I think I have eaten a piece of fruit every half hour. I'm not even exaggerating. I brought a comically over sized bag of mixed fruits into to work as a precaution in case I did get really hungry. I am down to one apple. I have peed approximately 75 times today. Tomorrow I am going to have to bring is a bed pan just to get some work done. Even as I type this I am thinking about the apple next to me. I have to save it for the ride home, though. Dinner tonight will consist of soup and if I'm still hungry - more fruit.
- Dinner was two bowls of soup. I am full, but I still feel like I should be eating. I'm going to sleep before I get hungry again. Here is to hoping I don't wet the bed. Tomorrow is all veggies.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Memorial? No Funeral.
I am going to keep this short and sweet. Mostly because I think so many people have lost their minds over the death Michael Jackson.* And believe me when I say that I think much of Michael Jackson's life and definitely his death are sad. I don't know if he ever did the things he was accused of and all I do know is most of the people that knew him said he was a genuine, but misunderstood guy. He was exactly as talented as everyone held him up to be and no one can deny he was a pop music giant.
That being said, people have gone crazy over this. I watched literally 3 minutes of his "memorial" (which as far as I can tell was a "funeral," not a "memorial" since the body was present). One reason I did not care or watch it was because I knew it would be an absolute circus. The other reason is because of the absolute hypocrisy of all media involved in this along with almost everyone who is now pretending that they have somehow lost a part of themselves.
Here is a guy that put out two perfect albums, a few decent ones and danced better than anyone had before him. But is he supposed to get a mulligan for the last 20 years or so? He has essentially been an absolute freak show that prior to his death EVERYONE was laughing at and/or pitied. He was belittled and mocked worse than anyone on the planet. So now he dies and all of the sudden he is idolized by a bunch of people that would never let their children within 10 feet of the guy and turned him into a punchline. So everyone loved him all along? Really?
Again - I have no idea if he did what he was accused of, but I do know that at best he was an extremely weird and creepy person that behaved inappropriately in just about every possible way with children. He seemed to make every mistake a famous person could possibly make. I'm not happy when anyone dies, but when they do - can someone please tell Al Sharpton this is not an opportunity to get on TV?
I know this wasn't a funny post, but I was just trying to make a point so I'll say this to end:
Q: What do you call Michael Jackson's personal doctor?
A: You don't call him. What do you have - a death wish?
Zing!
* I am saying this from personal experience - I posted a joke on Facebook when Jermain Jackson said he was Michael's backbone that said, "If Jermaine Jackson was my backbone, I'd need painkillers too." It took 2 minutes before someone told me that I should kill myself. Seriously.
That being said, people have gone crazy over this. I watched literally 3 minutes of his "memorial" (which as far as I can tell was a "funeral," not a "memorial" since the body was present). One reason I did not care or watch it was because I knew it would be an absolute circus. The other reason is because of the absolute hypocrisy of all media involved in this along with almost everyone who is now pretending that they have somehow lost a part of themselves.
Here is a guy that put out two perfect albums, a few decent ones and danced better than anyone had before him. But is he supposed to get a mulligan for the last 20 years or so? He has essentially been an absolute freak show that prior to his death EVERYONE was laughing at and/or pitied. He was belittled and mocked worse than anyone on the planet. So now he dies and all of the sudden he is idolized by a bunch of people that would never let their children within 10 feet of the guy and turned him into a punchline. So everyone loved him all along? Really?
Again - I have no idea if he did what he was accused of, but I do know that at best he was an extremely weird and creepy person that behaved inappropriately in just about every possible way with children. He seemed to make every mistake a famous person could possibly make. I'm not happy when anyone dies, but when they do - can someone please tell Al Sharpton this is not an opportunity to get on TV?
I know this wasn't a funny post, but I was just trying to make a point so I'll say this to end:
Q: What do you call Michael Jackson's personal doctor?
A: You don't call him. What do you have - a death wish?
Zing!
* I am saying this from personal experience - I posted a joke on Facebook when Jermain Jackson said he was Michael's backbone that said, "If Jermaine Jackson was my backbone, I'd need painkillers too." It took 2 minutes before someone told me that I should kill myself. Seriously.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
In today's really happy news - Sean Penn has decided to take a break from acting to focus on... looking dumbfounded. I personally thank you, Sean Penn. You are not as good of an actor as everyone says anyway. I don't know who you sold your soul to in order to find success as an actor, but this may entitle you to a refund.
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