The Reason Email Was Invented

Ok, to make up for yesterday's (or the day before... I seriously can't even remember anymore) pathetic attempt at a post, I'm going to treat you to an email I received from a former colleague/current friend today. This friend and I got the ol' heave-ho from our last employer in the same day. I literally remember walking out of the bosses office and hearing said colleague's phone ring to be called in. Anyway, he took a sabbatical when I had actually been looking for a job. Consequently he is still living off of our former employer's unemployment insurance. Which is why he has time to email me little gems like this:

I woke up this morning at the crack of 9:30. As I passed the mirror on the way to empty my beer inflated bladder I noted a few things. There was a unfamiliar stain on my wife beater. So I straightened up the sweat pants I had on (3rd day in a row and holding steady) and leaned in to observe the discoloration of my week old, sleeveless, ripped, Fruit-of-the-Loom dandy. But alas, as I was doing this I noticed an orange tint to my teeth and realized I had fallen asleep with a half eaten Cheese Curl in my mouth, while watching Get Rich Quick in Real Estate no less. I suppose at some point I dropped the bag of Curls from my death grip, rolled over in my sleeping bag (sold all the furniture), and squashed the Curls into a left over pizza box, where one lonely pepperoni conspired with the Cheese Curls to form a messy mustard color on the 'ol tank top. Anyway, I laughed it off, noticed the hair needed no combing since it had attained a permanent sideways skew, adjusted the rabbit ears on the black and white, and proceeded to start the morning off right by making myself some homemade toast and watching "The Mid Day News".

It's day 160 and I'm living the solid life!

Meh...

It's been a little too long. Let's just say I've been on paternity leave. And by that I mean I've been too lazy to type out my thoughts and since my daughter was born I have an excuse to skip out on ANYTHING. Being a dad is pretty incredible, but I'm not here to gush about how much better my daughter is than anything in your family tree (U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi...). I hate when people think you want to hear all about their kids. I don't care and your kid sucks (ed. note - your kid does not suck and I don't hate him/her. I'm just not sure I care about little Timmy's teething). No as it where I'm sitting on my couch with my B.A. wife and awesome daughter sleeping next to me. I'm trying to watch Repo Men because it came in Netflix but Jude Law is distractingly skinny. It's like his head is wider than his tiny shoulders. He's like a weeny little cotton swab. He's not even a bad actor, but he's always in terrible movies. I think it has a direct correlation to the width of his shoulders. He's also not believable as a straight man. And in the first 5 minutes, this movie is stupid.
I do want to take this opportunity to say that on October 7th, Band of Horses is playing Live on the Green and if you are in the Nashville area and don't go to a free Band of Horses concert I will fight you. Now I'll be the first to admit I don't ever know what the cool kids are listening to these days. I just can't keep up with it. Consequently my musical taste could generally be described as "weepy bearded white guys" (i.e. your mom's last three one night stands). But whether or not you judge bands by the lead singer's facial hair, Band of Horses makes sweet, gentle, lubed up Isaac Hayes love to my ear drums. You would be stupid to miss this show. Full listing of shows here.
OK, I know this was short and probably a little disappointing (i.e. why your mom left your dad), but I'm about three glasses into a bottle of red wine and can't even pretend to care about anything on the internet. Besides I'm going to take the rest of this movie to try and figure out which of Forest Whitaker's eyes is actually looking at me.

Love, me.