The Sensitive Finger

Sometimes Bad News is Just Bad News

2011-09-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

You will have to excuse me. I don't have any idea how to deal with the feelings that stem from knowing someone that dies suddenly at 27 years old from a brain aneurysm. I wouldn't know how to act for a total stranger and I sure don't know how to deal with it when it was someone I had, at least at one time considered a friend. Granted, I haven't seen him in over a year. I didn't have his phone number and can't imagine he spent too much time thinking about me or my life anymore. Why would he? Things change and people come in and out of your life with a randomness that could only be duplicated if you gave construction paper and a marker to an epileptic blind monkey. The actual feelings that came over me when I learned a friend had died mostly manifested as sadness and fear. Sadness for a guy that didn't get to live a full life and parents that had to bury their kid. Fear because, well what if I have bury a child one day. Apparently that happens to people.

I'm not good at dealing with these things. I deal with most things by making myself laugh. I read Facebook updates about a tragedy and all I really want to do is comment on everyone's atrocious grammar (Seriously. Learn what words mean, people). Now I would never be in charge of memorializing anyone as long as there are semi-literate people that don't default to poop jokes with access to a typing machine and the interwebs. So the only thing I can really do is share what I thought about when I started thinking again after getting horrible news. So here goes. Hopefully this will make you laugh a little. Otherwise I'm going to have to fall back on the poop jokes. So if you happen to be reading this because you heard the news too and
you clicked on Craighead's picture just sitting on your couch on your computer, I hope it will make remind you of something that makes you smile for for a minute. It's too late to return the favor to Josh anyway.

The first story I remembered every time Josh's name came up, not surprisingly happened in the basketball locker room. Josh played basketball on the same HS team as me, but he was a little younger. There was always a swagger to Josh that could only be described as "smart assy." He was funny, but he was inevitably going to draw some negative attention from the older players because he didn't even remotely respect any form of hierarchy or seniority (which all seems completely logical now. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just hit some of the older guys with chairs when I was younger playing on the team). Anyway - back to him drawing negative attention. We, in the sports world had this substance called "liquid heat." It was a concentrated, watery version of icy hot that was meant to be diluted considerably and rubbed on sore muscles. Diluted, the stuff was almost unbearably hot. Undiluted and it was absolutely intolerable. At one point, I put the diluted liquid heat on my pulled groin and had to take a shower when... umm lets just say I would have been better off wearing something more supportive. But enough about my fiery junk. The stuff was potent. So potent that one member of the team, Al could not resist the urge to put the undiluted liquid heat on Josh's deodorant when he wasn't in the locker room. Now Josh, being on JV, practiced in another gym, but we were told that he spent the whole practice frantically blowing on his armpits - confused by his situation and questioning why his armpit hair hated him so much.

Obviously there were no secrets and Josh almost immediately found out what Al had done to his Old Spice. Never to be one to take anything lying down - (cut to) a post-game later in the week when we were getting dressed after our showers in the locker room (stay focused, ladies. Yes - I showered and yes I looked amazing). We are all talking and minding our own business when suddenly Al stopped. He looked in both directions and his face got red. he screamed something to the effect of, "Craighead, YOU IDIOT!" Then he ripped through his underwear like Lou Ferrigno ripped through a pair of dungarees, ran into the shower, turned the water on cold and stayed under it for the next 20 minutes letting the cold water rinse away the molten liquid heat concentrate. Josh Craighead had poured liquid heat concentrate on the underwear of a guy that was literally twice his size, knowing the whole time that there would be no doubt who was responsible. I hate to laugh when a friend suffers, but I do have that male genetic trait that secretly wishes he could watch people getting hurt all day. Actually I pretty much spend my whole day fighting the urge to trip people, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that it was the funniest thing I have ever seen happen in front of me (and I've seen your mother dance). Anytime Josh's name is brought up - I immediately think about that night, Josh blowing on his armpits in lay-up drills, Al's pain and all of the other laughs I had with or at Josh's expense.

I know this isn't really funny. I, at one point or another worked with Josh, played basketball with Josh and probably envied Josh in a lot of ways. He died for no apparent reason, which I guess just happens sometimes. I know there are a lot of people that will miss him. I wasn't very close to him recently, but that doesn't really change the memories that come up when someone says his name. I have known a whole lot of people that wouldn't strike one memory in my brain. I guess all we can really do when someone dies is remember them. Which kind of sucks, but then again it could always be worse. Your name could be Richard Head or something.

(My apologies to Cortland Finnegan for using his picture with Josh below. Maybe if he would just play football and stop trying to prove how scrappy and tough he is by getting fines and acting like he hasn't ever tackled anyone, I wouldn't have used it).

The Devil Likes Syrup With His Waffle

2011-05-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

2 redboxes... 2 were out of order. I was going to rent whatever movie I wanted while my wife was in the car. But since we rented a movie "on demand" Megan got her say and we are now watching "No Strings Attached." I don't think I am reaching when I say that "on demand" doesn't apply to this movie any more than it applies to my first job as a submarine sandwich artist at a popular Northeastern food chain. As it turns out, while I want to see a documentary on Bill Hicks - my wife wants to see Ashton Kutcher's ass cheeks and horrible acting. I have been looking for an opportunity to update this thing anyway.

As I type this I have a decision to make. Am i going to knock your socks off with a political deposition on how the ACLU is not actually protecting your civil liberties, nor are your civil liberties as you probably see them even remotely good for your/society's well being? I could. And I will, but not tonight. Not after 3 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales, a Miller Lite and a Shiner Bock at South Street.

No tonight I feel justified. I have recently discovered that there are others out there like me - that think of the same things I think about. Filmdrunk.com's blogger has asked his readers to submit personal Glenn Danzig stories... and they have responded. People have written into his blog with their real life encounters with Glenn Danzig - and they blow my mind.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "Dean, what do you want with stories about devil worshiping punk/metal rock star and why do you care how he interacts with his fans?" The answer is simple - I have no idea. I don't really have an opinion on The Misfits and Danzig is an outlet for angry trench-coat wearing kids. At the same tiime, I'm a christian that will be at church tomorrow morning and believes Glenn Danzig - at least at this point - will spend eternity in a very real Hell. However, I do know WHEN my interest in creepers acting normal started. It started several years ago when I was watching a TV show that I wouldn't admit to watching and learned that Marilyn Manson was dating... someone. That's when I realized that people that are famous for stirring the pot, shocking people with their disregard for social norms and general anti-social behavior, have a normal side to their life.

I started to wonder what these people were like in everyday settings. I mean really - Marilyn Manson doesn't wear make up all of the time. He woke up in the morning and probably had to eat something (I can only hope Fruit Loops) for breakfast. And where is the "on" swtich. Did he walk out of his front door picking his nose only to realize someone is looking at him and immediately break into a power strut and Jesus-hating scowl? People have interactions with Glenn Danzig outside of his performances. He goes to the grocery store and buys his favorite brand of soft drink and checks the date on the milk. And then later that night he adorns his eyeliner and screams about Satan and "thinking for yourself." He shops for clothes. Did your head just explode? He probably literally goes into a strip mall and heads straight for the black shirts.

I don't know why, but as a self proclaimed expert on human behavior (shut up - I am) I can't help but wonder when Anton Levay was vulnerable. When he discovered he was out of creamer after he made a pot of coffee, did he think to himself, "what would my followers think? My minions! They can't hear of this!" I bet being an evil free thinker is exhausting. I'm glad I don't have that pressure. I would suck at it. Some photographer would catch me holding a chocolate milk, renting a Pixar movie at a redbox and it would be curtains for my reputation.

I can't really figure out how to end this post. I think that is about it, but I also feel like no one will understand what I mean. Think about it this way: Trent Reznor has, at some point in his life had explosive diarrhea. The guy responsible for "Pretty Hate Machine" was at the complete mercy of his bowels. "Head Like A Hole" is still a pretty solid song, but you have to find humor in the fact that no matter how seriously you take yourself - you will at some point puke. And that makes you weak and gross and vulnerable.

I guess the strangest part of all of this is watching people buy into personas. I mean - how can anyone justify idolizing a musician, actor or blogger (hint, hint) when said person would be accutely aware of all of his/her idol's wierdness/grossness within just one day as a fly on the wall of their life. It's equivalent to hearing a vice president talk when he doesn't know his microphone is on. He could have graduated from an Ivy League school, but in that moment - he is uneducated redneck.

Hopefully this doesn't read like nonsense. It may, but it's better than anything you have thought of today. Unless you happen to look at my facebook photos and wonder how I got so handsome. In that case - you shouldn't be wasting your time reading this. Get back over to those photos and admire my sexxxy dimples. Sweet dreams, cupcake. AAAAAHHHHH! (Note: I really didn't know how to end this post)

Not Since Babe Ruth...

2011-01-17T19:05:00.000-08:00

...has someone called his shot and followed through with such testicular fortitude. Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes (side note: your mom's nickname in high school) this past weekend and apparently absolutely followed through with the promise he made last week: "They won't be asking me to host again." Now I know what you're thinking; "What' a golden globe?" Apparently it can be defined as a roomful of humorless, self-serving morons that don't feel that they should be held accountable for their actions.

Now I wouldn't describe myself as a huge Ricky Gervais fan. I couldn't name two movies he has been in or one that I liked. The office was funny prior to jumping the shark, but I never had any reason to give the guy a second look. That is until he sat in a room full of his peers, looked them directly in the face and tore them to pieces. Watch the monologue if you think I'm exaggerating - and even if you know I don't exaggerate (I am that sexy), watch it. I'll wait. Ok, if you can't click a link I will give you some of my favorite quotes:

On 3-D: “It was a big year for 3-D movies. Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron. It seems like everything this year was three-dimensional — except the characters in The Tourist. I tell you what, I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't even seen The Tourist. Who has?

But it must be good because it's nominated, so shut up, OK? And I'd like to crush this ridiculous rumor that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the foreign press of could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That was not the only reason; they also accepted bribes.”

On SJP et al: “There were a lot of big films that didn’t get nominated this year – nothing for Sex and the City 2. I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster.”

On Scientologists who shall not be named: “Also not nominated, I Love You Phillip Morris. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then. My lawyers helped with that joke.”

On Robert Downey Jr.: “He’s the star of Iron Man, Two Girls and a Guy, Wonderboys. Sorry, are these porn films? Kiss Kiss (Bang Bang), Bowfinger. Really! Up the Academy. He has done all those films, but many of you in this room probably know him from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail.”

On Rambo: “The next presenter is a true Hollywood icon. In ten of the biggest blockbusters of all time, he has shown his extraordinary acting versatility. He has played a boxer … and Rambo. Please welcome Sylvester Stallone!”

On the elderly: “Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing! I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in.”

And the reactions?

Robert Downey Jr.: Called the show “hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones.”

Harvey Weinstein: “Knowing that Ricky Gervais will never work again means a lot to me. I’m going to make sure of it.

HFPA President Philip Berk (the one with the false teeth): “He definitely crossed the line, and some of the things were totally unacceptable. But that’s Ricky. Any of the references to individuals is certainly not something the Hollywood Foreign Press condones.”

The HFPA in their infinite wisdom decided that he will not be invited back to the Golden Globes. Like a 3rd grader that thought he was fouled on the playground, they took their ball and went home.

Ahem...An excerpt from Robert Downey Jr.'s wikipedia page:

From 1996 through 2003, Downey was arrested numerous times on drug-related charges and went several times through drug treatment programs unsuccessfully, explaining in 1999 to a judge: "It's like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and my finger's on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gunmetal."[16] He also explained his relapses by claiming to be addicted to drugs since the age of eight; his father was giving them to him as he was also an addict.[17]

In April 1996, Downey was arrested for possession of heroin, cocaine and an unloaded .357-caliber Magnum handgun, while he was speeding down Sunset Boulevard. A month later, when on parole, he trespassed into a neighbor's home while under the influence of a controlled substance, falling asleep in one of the beds.[18][19] He was sentenced to three years of probation and required to undergo mandatory drug testing. In 1997 he missed one of the court-ordered drug tests and had to spend four months in the Los Angeles County jail. When Downey missed another required drug test in 1999, he was arrested once more. Despite Downey's lawyer, John Stewart Holden, assembling for his client's 1999 defense the same team of lawyers that successfully defended O. J. Simpson during his criminal trial for murder,[17] Downey was sentenced to a three-year prison term at the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility and State Prison in Corcoran, California (a.k.a. "Corcoran II").

Ssshhhhh. Don't talk about that. He won't want to hear that.

This guy was a complete menace that should still be locked up for everything he did. There is no way Robert Downey Jr. should be anywhere in public other than a well supervised area of the Red Light District. But he was in Iron Man. What a comeback.

The whole thing is so infuriating. I will give you one category and the nominees:

Best Motion Picture: Comedy or Musical
Alice and Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids are Alright
Red
The Tourist

So it's ok for the HFPA to laugh at The Tourist, but Ricky Gervais can't? Pretty hypocritical if you ask me.

All I'm saying is this - actors are stupid. They pretend for a living. And they are shocked when people aren't kissing their asses or treating them like their jobs are important. I hate you, Hollywood. I wish Hollywood was just made up of Ricky Gervais and Dennis Leary. That being said, let's never mention any of these people again.

The Reason Email Was Invented

2010-09-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, to make up for yesterday's (or the day before... I seriously can't even remember anymore) pathetic attempt at a post, I'm going to treat you to an email I received from a former colleague/current friend today. This friend and I got the ol' heave-ho from our last employer in the same day. I literally remember walking out of the bosses office and hearing said colleague's phone ring to be called in. Anyway, he took a sabbatical when I had actually been looking for a job. Consequently he is still living off of our former employer's unemployment insurance. Which is why he has time to email me little gems like this:

I woke up this morning at the crack of 9:30. As I passed the mirror on the way to empty my beer inflated bladder I noted a few things. There was a unfamiliar stain on my wife beater. So I straightened up the sweat pants I had on (3rd day in a row and holding steady) and leaned in to observe the discoloration of my week old, sleeveless, ripped, Fruit-of-the-Loom dandy. But alas, as I was doing this I noticed an orange tint to my teeth and realized I had fallen asleep with a half eaten Cheese Curl in my mouth, while watching Get Rich Quick in Real Estate no less. I suppose at some point I dropped the bag of Curls from my death grip, rolled over in my sleeping bag (sold all the furniture), and squashed the Curls into a left over pizza box, where one lonely pepperoni conspired with the Cheese Curls to form a messy mustard color on the 'ol tank top. Anyway, I laughed it off, noticed the hair needed no combing since it had attained a permanent sideways skew, adjusted the rabbit ears on the black and white, and proceeded to start the morning off right by making myself some homemade toast and watching "The Mid Day News".

It's day 160 and I'm living the solid life!

Meh...

2010-09-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a little too long. Let's just say I've been on paternity leave. And by that I mean I've been too lazy to type out my thoughts and since my daughter was born I have an excuse to skip out on ANYTHING. Being a dad is pretty incredible, but I'm not here to gush about how much better my daughter is than anything in your family tree (U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi...). I hate when people think you want to hear all about their kids. I don't care and your kid sucks (ed. note - your kid does not suck and I don't hate him/her. I'm just not sure I care about little Timmy's teething). No as it where I'm sitting on my couch with my B.A. wife and awesome daughter sleeping next to me. I'm trying to watch Repo Men because it came in Netflix but Jude Law is distractingly skinny. It's like his head is wider than his tiny shoulders. He's like a weeny little cotton swab. He's not even a bad actor, but he's always in terrible movies. I think it has a direct correlation to the width of his shoulders. He's also not believable as a straight man. And in the first 5 minutes, this movie is stupid.
I do want to take this opportunity to say that on October 7th, Band of Horses is playing Live on the Green and if you are in the Nashville area and don't go to a free Band of Horses concert I will fight you. Now I'll be the first to admit I don't ever know what the cool kids are listening to these days. I just can't keep up with it. Consequently my musical taste could generally be described as "weepy bearded white guys" (i.e. your mom's last three one night stands). But whether or not you judge bands by the lead singer's facial hair, Band of Horses makes sweet, gentle, lubed up Isaac Hayes love to my ear drums. You would be stupid to miss this show. Full listing of shows here.
OK, I know this was short and probably a little disappointing (i.e. why your mom left your dad), but I'm about three glasses into a bottle of red wine and can't even pretend to care about anything on the internet. Besides I'm going to take the rest of this movie to try and figure out which of Forest Whitaker's eyes is actually looking at me.

Love, me.

The Art of Direction

2010-06-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

There would be no point in trying to express how life changes when you realize you are going to have a child. It wouldn't matter what I said. Unless you are or have been in this position, you wouldn't get it. It's not just curiosity and it's not just happiness. It's also not just crap-your-pants fear although all of these things are definitely present. Everything you do and think about changes.

I'll give you an example - I have never spent an enormous amount of time on the internet. Generally speaking I use a computer at work so when I get home, I want to be on a computer about as much as I want to be in a crowded country music concert (that's not much). However the time I use to spend on the internet revolved around ESPN.com or various websites that post funny youtube videos of people falling or getting hit with things. Now if you were to bust down my door and catch me on the computer, you would probably catch me shamefully searching the Paisley and Posises website. There is more pink in my house than I ever imagined there would be (which was none).

Probably the biggest change is how much I actually think about how I'm going to raise this little girl. I mean kids are stupid. I am going to have to make sure she gets on the right track. The phrase "what if" runs through my mind approximately every 17 seconds. On man. There are so many ways this kid could make terrible decisions. And then I think of how I am going to effectively steer her back on the track to awesomeness and success. Observe...

WHAT IF MCKENNA WANTS TO MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD?

Ugh. Hollywood is full of the dumbest and worst people on Earth. Consider this: Will.I.Am is getting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. You know who else just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Dennis Hopper. That's right. The guy from Easy Rider and Hoosiers just got his star. All he had to do to get it is die of butt cancer. Conversely - Will.I.Am gets one for making terrible music that could be considered societal cancer. Daniel Day Lewis is the greatest actor of the last 30 years. He is scarily good. He doesn't have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. I'll give you a minute to clean the puke off of your keyboard.

So how do I stop her? I'm not one to squash someone's dream. I mean if she feels compelled to entertain people - I can't stop her, can I? Of course I can. I just need to think of a polite way to say, "Not if you want to stay my daughter."

WHAT IF MCKENNA IS A Weirdo?

You know the kid. That creeper in your elementary school class that pulled all of the peperoni off of their slice of pizza and then ate the pizza and the peperoni separate. I hate that kid. Everyone hates that kid. Some people tolerate that kid because the kid is a crier and if you say anything like - "stop being weird, you little... ugh - weirdo" he/she is gonna cry and you will get in trouble. What if that is McKenna? What if she collects twist ties and rubber bands for no reason or reads the dictionary for fun? How am I going to stop my own daughter from being an antisocial freak?

I'm not sure how to delicately explain that growing up is hard enough anyway. There is no reason to make life harder by doing things that all but guarantee your place at the dorky lunch table. I think I will just steal the twist ties and replace them with a basketball or something. Subtlety was never my strong suit.

WHAT IF MCKENNA brings home a wankster?

I realize she will likely date before I die. Despite my best efforts some little snot faced boy is going to walk through my front door and eat food paid for with my hard earned money, watch TV on my couch and try to court my daughter. This kid will already be behind the 8 ball. I already want to kick this kid and he may not even be born yet.

But what if he is a thug? I am going to try and describe this kid as well as I can. For the sake of this essay, just assume the future cultural equivalent of the examples I give. I know people will dress differently in 15-20 years. What if this kid walks through my door with a flat-billed LA hat and an Affliction t-shirt? Is it my place to tell my daughter she can't date someone because of how they dress? Damn right. Now pull your pants up, son. You can come back when I can't see your boxers.

You get the idea. These are the things that run through my head all of the time. I'm pretty sure I will figure it out as these things come up. If not I will always just fall back on locking my daughter in her room until she is 18. That should do the trick.

The NFL Draft is (Almost) Upon Us.

2010-03-04T07:53:00.000-08:00

Uu

The NFL draft is nearly here and let's face it. Terrance Cody is fat. I mean really fat. Gross. Anyway I know that I will probably go undrafted again this year. I just don't understand what I have to do. Solid reps, great hands and a strong 40 time used to be enough. Now it's all political. Anyway, I guess I will rundown a few of the potential draft picks this year. Not because anyone wants my opinion, but just to give you some perspective. These people will all be millionaires in a few weeks. And you won't. Way to live up to your potential. I have split them up by position - kind of like all of your moms (collective burn).

Position - QB:

1) Sam Bradford

Strengths: Arm strength pre-injury; the fact that Oklahoma sucked without him; He happens to be a quarterback in a draft where there are no good quarterbacks; Potential franchise QB; Size (6'4")

Weaknesses: Squinty eyes limit vision (I assume); Injury to throwing shoulder; Kind of boring

2) Colt McCoy

Strengths: Named after a horse; Soothing southern drawl; Good athlete/deceptively fast; Lots of TD passes in college; Good Christian young man

Weaknesses: Mainly played as a shotgun QB in college; Named after a horse; Extreme favoritism (Pretty much exclusively threw to Jordan Shipley in college)

3) Jimmy Clausen

Strengths: Best QB in his family; Played NFL style offense; Quick release; umm... non-discriminatory:

Weaknesses: Bad in bar fights; Consistently loses football games (not a goal of most teams); resembles an ostrich if it was on The Jersey Shore

4) Tim Tebow

Strengths: Performs circumcisions; strong moral character; athletic; "intangibles"; against abortion; good christian young man; probably a republican; smart

Weaknesses: "Tangibles" (i.e. passing and other stuff QBs are expected to do well); Hugs his coaches too much and for an uncomfortable period of time

5) Jonathan Crompton

Strengths: Believes he will get drafted

Weaknesses: Delusional

6) Tony Pike

Strengths: I hear Canada's hiring

Weaknesses: I have no idea. Who watches Cincinnati football?

Position - WR

1) Dez Bryant

Strengths: Fast; Strong; good jumper; good hands

Weaknesses: Suspended in 2009 for talking to Deion Sanders - a just punishment

2) Golden Tate

Strengths: From middle Tennessee area; good hands; fast; Name's Golden; not much competition for WRs in this draft

Weaknesses: Only 5'10"; consistently loses with Jimmy Clausen; attended Catholic high school and catholic college so he probably drinks too much and sleeps with everyone

3) Marshwan Gilyard

Strengths: I don't know. He's the only other receiver I can think of that may get drafted and I'm not going to google it

Weaknesses: Spell check does not recognize first or last name; fumbling

Position - RB

1) CJ Spiller

Strengths: Extremely fast/quick runner; good receiver/return man; Will benefit greatly in the draft from Chris Johnson having a monster year; 2nd best RB in college football this year

Weaknesses: He's a little bitty guy; Could fit under Terrance Cody's left breast

2) Jonathan Dwyer

Strengths: Bigger/stronger than Spiller; Pretty much the ideal build for a good NFL running back... 5 years ago

Weaknesses: Not a threat to catch the ball and let's face it - that's big in the NFL; Apparently he gained a lot of weight before his senior year and in the words of Dean Wormer in Animal House "fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life."

3) Jahvid Best

Strengths: Strong; fast and in my opinion he was the best running back when he was playing his best

Weaknesses: He didn't play his best very often so he really wasn't all that impressive

4) Dexter McCluster

Strengths: Absolutely torched the Volunteers; very fast and a good runner

Weaknesses: Played along side Jevan Snead so he probably just looked like a good football player in comparison; Spent most of his college career splitting carries with guys that were not as good as him

5) Toby Gerhart

Strengths: He is a good running back... for a white guy

Weaknesses: See strengths

6) Monterio Hardesty

Strengths: Guy is strong; durable, powerful runner; Carried UT offense when Jonathan Crompton was playing terrible; Eddie Georgey minus the inexplicable tripping after two yards

Weaknesses: Almost named after a state in Canada; In my opinion he doesn't turn the corner well (or maybe he just never had to); he also runs standing straight up which can probably get you killed in the NFL

Position - Defense (I'm getting tired of typing)

1) Ndomukou Suh

Strengths: Big; strong; fast; smart; carried his team; just about everything

Weaknesses: I don't think that is how you spell his name

2) Eric Berry

Strengths: Strong; fast ; doesn't make mistakes; play maker; great tackler; returns interceptions for TDs;

Weaknesses: Stupid unoriginal Heisman campaign videos

3) Joe Haden

Strengths: Same as Eric berry, but not as good.

Weaknesses: Slower and not as good as Eric Berry; Maybe the Redskins will draft him. That's a good fit

4) Brandon Spikes

Strength: Pretty much everything you could want in an inside linebacker - Fast (4.6 40 time); strong; good size; stuff running lanes better than any other LB in college

Weakness: How can I put this... He cheats by gouging players eyes

5) Rico McCoy

Strengths: As good of an ILB as as Brandon Spikes is as an OLB; was never caught on camera sticking his fingers in the eyes of other players

Weaknesses: He only weighs 218 so he will likely need steroids

6) Terrance Cody

Strengths: I hear he can block low field goals; good in run defense and requires a double team from the O line;

Weaknesses: Bacon; mayonnaise; won't be able to play more than 2 downs in a series in the NFL; gynocomastia; couldn't get to the QB in less than 15 seconds without a motorized vehicle; life expectancy;

So there they are - The players I remember from college last year that I think will get drafted. Boy - when I type it out like that it really loses some of its sparkle.

And the Oscar Goes to.... Paul Blart

2010-02-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

The Oscar nominations were released in the last week or so and if you are hoping for my typical glib cynicism, I've got bad news for you. The academy actually got some things right this year. Not like last year. Slumdog Millionaire my undercarriage. Last years nominations were terrible. I assumed this year would be no different with the exception of the academy upping the nominations for best film to 10 this year leaving room for 2 more sucky, depressing films with no point (I see you hiding in the back of the room, The Reader). Anyway this years nominations were pretty good. At least the movies I saw. It would have been kind of hard to see most of the nominees because the movie theaters were all showing Paul Blart Mall Cop and Tyler Perry's Madea can Poop Her Pants in Prison on 7 different screens so they couldn't bother showing The Messenger. I will give someone 10 million imaginary dollars if they move the Belcourt Theater to my city.

Anyway I have to say that from the movies I have seen on the lists that matter - they are all pretty good and some even border on fantastic. But this essay being what it is - it won't all be peaches 'n cream. So buckle up, kiddies. It's gonna be a bumpy ride... kind of like your mom.

Best Picture: This is easily the most important category in the Oscars. As previously mentioned this year's category was increased to 10 nominations. hey probably only needed four, but you know... That's America for you. Need 4? Take 10. The nominees are -

The Blind Side - I saw this movie in the theater because my wife wanted to go and she is pregnant. Listen I know its a good story, but I found the movie pretty cheesy. All I heard was people (men too) saying the movie was so good and they cried. I did almost cry... every scene that took place in the ghetto. Bad acting... BAD. Even Sandra Bullock pulling a gun on one of those mean ole thugs. That's right. Sandra Bullock successfully tough talked a comically bad stereotype. And neither my wife nor I cried. I repeat - a pregnant woman didn't cry. If you are a man, and you cried in that movie - I will punch you in the face.

District 9 - Didn't see it but it's about aliens. So could it possibly be the best film of the year? The answer is no. So why nominate it? I'm guessing people still feel stupid for that Lord of the Rings nonsense and they are still trying to convince themselves Peter Jackson is awesome.

An Education - Didn't see it and don't know what it is about. It gets a pass because it has Peter Saarsgard in it. Dude can act. Check him out in The Salton Sea, Into the Electric Mist or (If you don't mind gay/bi/curiousness) The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.

Precious - Poverty, incest rape, illiteracy. The feel good movie of the year. If you gave me a choice between seeing this movie or sitting on a white hot metal poker, I'd be throat deep on burning steel before you even finished the sentence. This movie was nominated out of guilt.

Up - Animated movies suck. Yes even Shrek.

Up in the Air - Didn't see it. Heard good things. I'll put it in my netflix queue and get it by the time it comes on TBS.

A Serious Man - A Coen Brothers movie that was not in a theater anywhere near me. Thanks, Tyler Perry

Inglourious Basterds - This movie was awesome. No argument here. Saw it in the theater and it was worth the money. Christoph Waltz was pretty amazing. Didn't have to be as long as it was, but I will watch it again.

The Hurt Locker - THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN... on my TV. You know why I didn't see it in theaters? That's right. It wasn't in a theater in Tennessee. Thanks, Kevin James. Hands down the best movie of the year. The best movie of my generation. If it doesn't win it will be a shame.

Avatar - I'm the one that didn't see this movie. And do you know why? Because it looked STUPID. Stupid... but in 3D. And I don't care. You know what else is in 3D? Life. I walk through life looking at 3D stuff all day. Oh hey look. It looks like that tree is coming right at me. Crazy, right? Whether it a tree of a 12 foot blue cat, I'm not too impressed with the fact that something looks like it is coming at me. Apparently everyone else in the country disagrees with me. But you can all suck it because I'm right.

Best Lead Actor Nominees:

Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart - Didn't see it, but Jeff Bridges is a good actor. And I think the role of grizzled alcoholic country singer was written for him. But whatever - it looks boring.

George Clooney - Up in the Air - Same review as above, but replace "grizzled alcoholic country singer" with "guy who goes to different cities and sleeps with women."

Colin Firth - A Single Man - More like A Disappointed Man on Oscar night. Amiright? (High fives self)

Morgan Freeman - Invictus - I will now refer to my previous review of Invictus - It would have been better if something had happened. Now I know it's not up for best picture, but really - how can you focus on anyone's acting whilst sleeping through this abortion?

Jeremy Renner - The Hurt Locker - Let's hope he wins. I mean he was definitely no 12 foot blue cat, but still. Give the guy a break (PS - Best movie ever).

Sam Rockwell - Moon - What's that? He didn't get nominated? Did anyone see how good he was in Moon? No? Oh, I see what happened. Thanks, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant.

Best Supporting Actor:

Matt Damon - Invictus - Who knew rugby players didn't have a personality. This movie was awful. Don't even rent it. Rent Precious instead.

Woody Harrelson - The Messenger - It looked like a good movie. I missed it the two days it was playing in Nashville. Does anyone remember White Men Can't Jump? That was a good movie. What ever happened to the other guy in that movie?

Two other guys - Fart Noise

Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Batsreds - He's a lock in this category. In fact he should have won the lead actor. He was that intense. And t's pretty much between him and a guy that was in a movie called Surfer, Dude this year. Woody Harrelson will be too high to attend anyway.

Zach Galifanakis - The Hangover - Technically not nominated, but the guy was funny. He should have been nominated. In fact it was the funniest movie I saw this year and he was the only funny person in it. So he wins my Oscar. And here to accept the award on his behalf - The Easter Bunny.

Actress in a Leading Role:

Yikes

That's pretty much all that matters. There is a documentary category, but other than Food, Inc - it doesn't even come close to worth mentioning. At least there is no Michael Moore, right?

Conan O'Brien - You Have My Support

2010-01-15T08:04:00.000-08:00

I don't take a stand on too many things. You will rarely see me dig my heels in the ground out of principle. It's not really the kind of guy I am (i.e. one with principles). But there is one thing that has recently crawled right under my skin like a pack of wild aboriginal chiggers. Now I have to admit - I tend to overreact when people get credit for being funny when I seem to be the only person that realizes they are not (I'm looking at you, Flight of the Conchords). Equally as frustrating is when someone that is down right hilarious gets no credit for being funny in an industry where funny people are as about as prevalent as virgins.

NBC executives are all but forcing Conan O'Brien to leave The Tonight Show. A show that had been previously hosted by Jay Leno for 17 years. If you are keeping score at home that is 17 years without one funny thing being uttered on The Tonight Show stage. And then someone that is actually very funny gets to host it and NBC cans him within 7 months. And to exacerbate the situation who do they replace him with? Jay Leno. Jay Leno who had previously been (generously) given a slot before The Tonight Show and whose ratings have been awful. Recently his show was getting trounced by a show called Castle. I have never heard of Castle, but unless it stars Danny DeVito building a sand castle, I can't imagine it is very good.

And I have a theory on why Jay Leno's show tanked. He is not funny. Now I know there are plenty of cases where shows that are supposed to be funny succeed even though they aren't funny such as - Sex and the City, Frasier, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I also have a theory about how this happens, but it has to do with sorcery and I can't prove it.

Now what really gets me about the shows is that they aren't funny despite having an army of "comedy" writers on staff getting paid to think of funny things. How can 12 "comedy" writers sitting in a room not think of one funny idea and I can write these comedy nuggets alone on my lunch break? And I don't get paid dookie for this thing. I do it for the love of making the four people that read this potentially giggle. But I'm easily motivated too. I once tried to eat 50 hard boiled eggs after I watched Cool Hand Luke.

But Conan O'Brien was the exception to the rule of late/tonight shows. He was funny. And not just his monologue. He was actually funny when he was just talking to guests or his band or whoever. He was just a funny guy. And he found success because people recognized this. Most of the other talk show hosts are terrible (Craig Ferguson is pretty funny). And now The Tonight Show will be terrible again too.

Again - I normally do not care if a show is not funny. But what really irritates me is (much like "comedy" writers) there are people that are hired to make good decisions. These are executives at NBC deciding to take a funny guy off the air and replace him with the H1N1 of comedy. How do these people get to their respective positions? Past job experience - bank executive. I really want to drive this point home. There are people making a lot of money to decide what shows should be on NBC. And those people have decided to take someone that is funny off the air and replace him with someone that is not funny. And presumably, these people took this job as a better opportunity than the job they previously held (seriously - I am betting bank executive). Which is obviously considered a step up on the career ladder. So they are basically being promoted despite being bad at their job.

Common sense would dictate that a person cannot fail up the corporate ladder. No one gets better job opportunities without a history of success, Right? OK except Lane Kiffin. Anyone else? I didn't think so, smart guy.

So I am taking a stand for Conan O'Brien (because clearly he needs my help). I'm not watching anything on NBC anymore. If a new sitcom comes out I will know it is not funny. And do you know how I will know? That's right. Because the person that decided to run the show also decided it was a good idea to replace Conan O'Brien with Jay Leno. And therefore that person has terrible judgment. That kind of judgment is how we end up with things like the holocaust. In fact - the only way I will watch anything on NBC from now on is if they have a show where Danny DeVito builds a sand castle (*).

*Note to self. Pitch. That. Show.

Merry Christmas, World. Prepare yourself.

2009-12-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

“Are you sitting down?” I wasn’t.

“Sure. What’s up?”

I don’t want to sound jaded, but in all honesty 98% of the phone calls I get from my wife at work are less than urgent (not that it is a bad thing, but I assumed this would be no different). I have a gift of getting off the phone in less than 20 seconds so small talk such as “are you sitting down?” gets weeded out by the filter between my ears and my brain.

“I took a pregnancy test.” The record for my internal soundtrack scratched (in my head I was listening to Journey).

“Yeah?”

“It said I’m pregnant.”

I wish I could say that it all hit me right at that moment. But it didn’t. It did shock me in a “wherecanihide?” kind of way. But it didn’t completely feel real. I kind of assumed it wasn’t actually happening. It was more – “ok, there is a chance Megan is pregnant, but let’s not forget – those tests are only 99.something% accurate.” It was later explained to me that only negative tests are ever inaccurate and there is no "false positive."

5 positive pregnancy tests later it occurred to me that either Megan was pregnant or her pee is a statistical anomaly. So what now? Everything changed in that moment (literally days after I was first told of the positive pregnancy test – I’m a little slow).

My first thought after I accepted the fact that my wife is pregnant was that the only thing I knew about pregnant women is they can't drink alcohol or eat sushi. I can tell I am going to be a great father. After searching through various conflicting WebPages on pregnancy brought to me by a bing search of “what can a pregnant woman eat,” I decided that the internet is to accurate/consistent information what Allen Iverson is to a basketball team. “Whatever you do, don’t let your wife eat chocolate.” “Chocolate is okay in moderation." “Pregnant women that eat chocolate every Tuesday statistically have babies with higher IQs than those that only eat chocolate the other 6 days.” “Eating fish more than once a week COULD cause severe birth defects.” I needed someone to spell this stuff out for me in no uncertain terms. I needed accurate information and I needed to know the information came from someone that has completed medical school.

Basically, I needed to know that I wasn’t overreacting or acting like a lunatic future parent. That I won’t follow my kid around with hand sanitizer in an attempt to make sure it never gets sick. I couldn’t even ask any friends that have recently been pregnant. It was explained to me that I shouldn’t tell anyone until after the first trimester. Fortunately having nothing to say has never really been a problem for me.

What I needed was a book. Now had my brain been working even a little, I would have gone to the nearest used book store and found at least 50 books on pregnancy for under $7. IF my brain had been working. As it were the best solution I could think of to this predicament was to go to Barnes and Noble and look in the Pregnancy/Parenthood section. I hope this is no indication of the kind of decision making skills I will exemplify as a father. The pregnancy book publishers know how to exploit a first time chump like myself. They know money is no object when you have already wet your pants and tried to hang yourself because your pregnant wife tried to eat a piece of fish.

$50 for two books. $50 is more than i will pay for a pair of jeans. It is this kind of financial decision making that will doom this kid to a lifetime of ramen noodles and public school. Fortunately my better half managed to find two more books on amazon.com for less than $20.

And what did I learn for $70? I learned I am going to eat a lot of boring meals over the next 9 months... or my willpower will be crap and I will be riddled with constant guilt while my wife eats a spinach salad and I eat some rare beef and wash it down with a beer. Pregnant women cannot eat anything. No undercooked/rare anything, no soft cheese, no caffeine, no sugar, no NutraSweet, no alcohol… the list goes on and on. Basically well done meat, fruit, vegetables, water and juice (100% juice only) - that’s it. Otherwise (at least in my head) the baby will come out with three arms and a learning disorder. On second thought pass the sushi. Three arms would come in handy in so many situations.

Anyway - after one visit to the doctor I learned that pregnant women can eat most things in moderation and just because I read something in a book, doesn't mean it is 100% true. Basically just don't eat any raw meat/fish and no alcohol. So what did I really get for my $70? Let's just say I would have paid $80 if the publishers had used some lube.

Now there are plenty of books out there for men whose wives are expecting. But they all seem to consist of the same stupid jokes – i.e. “Pregnant women are always cryin’ and stuff” or “What’s with those cravings?” I learned really quickly that the truth is the only thing you can know for sure is you will know absolute dick about what you wife is going through. The best you can do is assume she is not overreacting and do whatever you can to make her comfortable and happy. Now I know what you are thinking. You think this is just setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. I would respond first by saying you should not end a sentence in a preposition. I would also completely agree with your statement (even if you sound like a 1st grader). Your wife will be taking advantage of you. You will have to rub her feet, rub her back, make dinner, get her blankets because she is freezing, get her a fan 20 minutes later because she is burning up, get her tissues when she is crying because… there will be no reason. But you don’t have to push anything out of your urethra. Guys win again!

I am not kidding. I will do whatever she wants. She is doing something that takes more courage than anything that will ever be expected of me. If you told me for 10 months my stomach would swell and at the end something the size of a watermelon would pass though my penis, I would tell you that you just described my junior year of college. But she is doing it voluntarily. In all seriousness my wife deserves whatever she wants. At least until the baby is born. And then it’s back to work. These floors aren’t going to clean themselves.

That’s enough from me. I’m not writing a book here. Mostly because I am out of jokes about pregnant women crying and/or cravings so it would never sell. I guess I will just say thank you, Megan. I will be home later to get you whatever you want.

Bobby Knight Tells It...

2009-12-18T09:16:00.000-08:00

Bobby Knight on UK coach John Calipari:

In his speech, Knight said: “We’ve gotten into this situation where integrity is really lacking and that’s why I’m glad I’m not coaching. You see we’ve got a coach at Kentucky who put two schools on probation and he’s still coaching. I really don’t understand that.”

Bobby Knight is the best announcer in college basketball. He never knows any player's names so he just says things like, "Then they throw it to the big kid down there..." and "The slender Asian guy has really good hands." And let's not forget gems like "If I was coaching and that happened, he would run until he quit the team."

He's like Clint Eastwood calling a basketball game. I'll take it over Dick Vitale screaming like Billy Mays about a good freshman basketball player. Freshmen are the best players on the court. You know why? Because if a Sophomore, Junior or Senior was as good as the freshman, he would have been selected in last years NBA draft. So we can stop pretending it is surprising when a freshman is really good. Anyway, the above quote about John Calipari just moves Bobby Knight into my "people I would like to have dinner with" group. It's an exclusive group and he should be honored to be in it.

And I swore I wouldn't do this, but I have to say one thing about Tiger Woods. Apparently now one of the fame-loving whores has come forward with some nude photos she took of Tiger while he was passed out drunk. Tiger got them suppressed which is good, but let's focus on one thing. Women are the devil. I'm not exactly Ben Matlock, but I'm pretty sure taking naked pictures of someone when they are passed out is against the law in a lot of places (but what do I know? I live in the Bible belt). She deserves capital punishment for this. I'm not saying Tiger Woods is a good guy or deserves sympathy, but this woman should be publicly executed.

And calm down ladies. Tiger is half black and half Asian. So by my calculations those would be the most anatomically average photos in the history of celebrity privacy invasion (NO HE DI'INT! Yes he did).

Fine... Do It for the Money. Just Don't Act Happy About It

2009-11-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

I don't necessarily like making sweeping statements. I always worry about my opinions inevitably changing. My favorite CD right now will probably irritate me in 6 months. So I can't really say it is my favorite CD. At one point in my life this would have been Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA. You see what I mean? It is this fear that keeps me from generally listing "favorites" (outside of sports teams - they don't change and if yours does... I hate you).

However until recently I would have to say my favorite working actor was probably John Cusack (sadly, John Candy has not been cast in any roles lately. I believe this is all part of Hollywood's bias against fat people). I don't really know why, but every character he has ever played in a movie just seems down-to-Earth and likable. He is believable - like someone you actually know acts this way in these situations.

All that really hits the fan today with the release of 2012. I hate movies based solely on FX. I, for one refuse to pretend that California falling into the ocean would be anything but good for the rest of the world. I hate this movie already. If I wanted to spend a couple of hours seeing terrified people run from epic disasters I would... (wait for it)... stand outside the FedEx Forum after a Grizzlies game (HOME RUN!). No plot - all Special FX. This is like the anti-John Cusack movie. Mark my words - it will suck big time.

Not to mention - have you ever seen this guy in an interview? Holy Moses, this guy thinks everything he says is important. Lighten up, man. You pretend for a living. Must Love Dogs is not culturally relevant to anything except the holiday programming schedule for the Lifetime Channel.

I think my new favorite actor is going to be Sam Rockwell. He is what John Cusack used to be - except his version of a romantic comedy - Choke. Sam Rockwell is great. If there was a movie about my life (or should I say "when"), I would slap that guy on some stilts and trust his vision for what he thought I should be. Which reminds me - Why is it that Moon opens in limited release in NY and LA, but the next giant turd by Tyler Perry (Madea Takes a Dump - if you will) will be on three screens in every theater within 100 miles of my house? I blame you America. This is all your fault.

How? No Seriously... HOW?

2009-10-26T14:04:00.001-07:00

I have never really been one to make mistakes. I just wanted to throw that out there.

Anyway, Titan's owner Bud Adams want's Vince Young to get the start for their next game against Jacksonville. Yeah - that should help. If that doesn't work out, I hear Kyle Maynard* is available.

In other news that doesn't matter - The Boondock Saint's II - All Saint's Day comes out this weekend in theaters nowhere near me. And I'm actually glad about that. The original is so overrated. Listen - the first time I saw the Boondock Saints, I liked it ok too. Two brothers killing bad guys - sweet. But every time I have watched it since, I can't get over how bad their accents are - and they act for a living. Norman Reedus make's the lucky charms leprechaun look like Christoph Waltz. And other than Rocco - the dialogue is pretty stupid.

And if you do like this movie - I challenge you to think that after you watch a documentary on Troy Duffy titled, Overnight. If you still like the movie after that, you have no soul. Overnight should have been given the award for "Best Ending... Ever."

That's it - I'm writing a screen play. It can't be that hard. Who's with me? But I know there are enough people that liked the first installment to make this movie pretty successful. So who knows - maybe we will get a thirdqual. That would be pretty upsetting. In fact, I haven't been this upset since that publishing company passed on my book about a man that learns life lessons from a terminally ill stripper. I called it "Tuesdays with Whorrie." Who decides what is copyright infringement anyway?

*Nothing but respect for the guy. He just woundn't be a very effective QB

You Kids Better Get Off Allenby's Lawn

2009-10-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article in golfweek.com where Australian golfer and Crocodile Dundee impersonator Robert Allenby criticized some Asian country's Anthony Kim (just kidding... he's American or possibly Samoan) for staying out late and having fun when he had a tee time the next morning. For SHAME!

Allenby says:

“Some guys (from the U.S.) who didn’t play well played very well today... Maybe we should all take the theory of Anthony Kim. Get home at 4 o’clock (in the morning) and then go shoot 6 under.

Allenby then called Anthony Kim the "current John Daly."

Geez. Take it easy, Wilfred Brimley. First of all, he's 24 years old. He can recover from a hangover with 3 hours of sleep and still beat Par into submission. Good for him. I remember those days. I once aced a 8 am test in college after getting home at 4 am. Sure it was a Psychology test, but come on... still pretty impressive.

Second of all what did John Daly do to you, Robert Allenby?

Kim sent a jab back to Allenby with:

“If Robert had that to say, he may need to go practice a little bit more.”

Not quite as effective as a 9 iron to the face, but I guess he is trying to be diplomatic.

In other news from around the world, Leona Lewis got punched in the face at a book signing. I don't know who that is, but judging from the picture there is at least a 50% chance it is a woman. When reached for comment Chris Brown said... "Don't look at me, dude."

Day 5: The Diet Buster

2009-09-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

It's over. It was the bananas and soup. It was just... too much. I broke down last night. My wife agreed that soup was a terrible idea for dinner so we went for sushi. I would say I feel guilty, but in all reality - I feel so much better. So what did I learn about a crash diet?

I learned that ultimately it is much better/easier to set limitations on your everyday behavior than to go to extremes for a short period of time. I see that there is clearly a place for a diet that is this extreme. If someone has to loose a considerable amount of weight before a surgery, this would be pretty effective. And I suppose maybe I did feel pretty good, but I didn't feel bad to begin with.

I would, however say the most important lesson I learned from all of this is that black coffee sucks. I don't care how stupid I look putting cream and sugar in my coffee. Scoff at me if you want, coffee enthusiast girl at bongo java. I don't care where your beans come from. Black coffee taste like hot, bitter urine... not that I would know.

If this disappointed you and it seemed like an anti-climactic ending, well now you know how your significant other feels (boo-yaaaah!). And some people (I'm looking at you, Ann Coulter) teased me about this and thought it made me girly. I began to wonder so I reached out to a man that I know has more testosterone pumping through his veins than I do for his opinion. He could not be reached , however because as it turns out he does not exist. I'm going to go shave now and maybe pump some iron.

(flexes and kisses bicep)

Day 4: Stuck in my cabana, livin' on bananas and soup

2009-09-03T05:26:00.000-07:00

Today I can eat bananas and soup... all day. That's it. Dunston himself did not have to deal with such a menu. Oh yeah - and I am supposed to drink all of the skim milk I can stand. After one glass, I may have hit the wall. On the bright side - I can put skim milk in my coffee... or so I thought until I did it. It doesn't look right. It looks like muddy water with a gray/depressed tint to it. I know I'm complaining a lot, but I don't want to give the idea this diet is easy or even remotely enjoyable. The plus side, as you can imagine is a supposedly "clean" body and as of this morning I have lost 6 lbs. 6 lbs in 3 days is not too bad. Now I know I will gain all of it back with the first chicken wing, but at least I know what to do a week before my next "Men of Project Management - Specific to the Sign Industry" topless calender shoot. It's an exclusive group - you probably haven't heard of it. Long waiting lists, ect, ect...

- All I have eaten today is bananas. I am actually scared to eat the soup again so I have avoided it to the point that it is 1:20pm and I have eaten 5 bananas today. I once saw Jeff Corwin throw up from eating too many bananas. I thought maybe it was faked for television, but I think I see now that it had to be real. I can feel my will power fading. I don't want dinner tonight. I just want to sleep through the next three days.

- It's almost the end of my work day and my stomach is empty. I ran out of bananas three hours ago. All I have left to eat is soup. I'll see you in hell, soup. I'd rather die than eat another bite of you. I'm not sure what tonight will bring. I'd say with any luck it will bring Armageddon (end of world, not Ben Affleck movie).

Day 3 - Fruits AND Vegetables. Slow Down, Variety. I'm Only One Man.

2009-09-02T05:24:00.000-07:00

Day three of my drastic overhaul and today is a real treat. I can eat all of the fruits AND vegetables I want (along with the soup). Pear for breakfast because I have stopped trying. I'm also clinically losing my mind. I just tried to stir my coffee at work before I realized it was black coffee and there was nothing to stir. To be honest - I did wake up this morning immediately more alert than I typically am at 5:30am and I ran faster and longer last night than I typically like to run (to the mailbox and back). So maybe there is something to this diet, although I would never admit it. For now I will continue to complain and enjoy this black coffee - or as I like to call it, "Devil's spit." Black coffee is so gross.

- It's almost soup time. I miss meet. Meet? Did I spell that right? I can't remember anymore. Look - all I'm trying to say is that at some point someone is going to have to pay back all this government lent money.

- Lunch was a bowl of soup. It is getting pretty old (i.e. repetitive, not rotten). I had to drink enough water to wash the taste of tomato and chicken broth out of my mouth. I think I feel better, but I can't tell if I have just convinced my self of it or I really am invincible.

- If you cook a portobello mushroom in Dale's marinade - it kind of taste like meat. And more to the point... it's not soup.

Day 2: Vegetables Dipped in Resentment

2009-09-01T05:23:00.000-07:00

Day one of seven is in the books and I'm pretty happy to be one day closer to the end of the diet. It has not really been all that bad. The soup is good enough, but I never really felt like I should stop eating. Eventually I just got bored and quit. I have discovered that the key to eating all fruits and vegetables is to stay busy so you don't think about the fact that you miss bread. Another thing I have noticed over the last 24 hours is the insane amount of exposure people have to food that is bad for us. I think every commercial on TV was about fast food, alcohol, pizza or (God help me) cheese sticks.

- Breakfast this morning created a challenge I never considered before now. There are no vegetables (other than potatoes) that you can eat by themselves for breakfast. A client at work thought he had solved my problems by - well... "Celery with peanut butter and raisins. You’ll have to sneak the peanut butter and raisins past the guards, though." A great idea. I was also maybe thinking I would have lettuce and a tomato, but try to sneak bacon past the guards. Or maybe I could have a cucumber but try and sneak in some eggs and sausage. I will settle for tomato juice instead. tomato juice... for breakfast. I was thinking maybe later I'd try to find a purse to match these shoes too (quote from J. Weber regarding weight loss via work email- 2009).

- It's 11 am and all I have had today is tomato juice. Three glasses of tomato juice and one cup of black coffee. Black coffee sucks. I'm looking forward to lunch. More soup. I brought some edamame to spice things up. I already feel lighter, but that may just be dizziness. I did look especially vibrant this morning when I woke up. I could be a model by next Sunday. So to sum up - I'm really sexy. I'll let you know how lunch goes.

- I ate one bowl of soup for lunch. I'm still hungry but I am starting to resent soup so I decided to take a break. I also just read that thousands of tropical fish died in a Russian airport this week. So I guess it could be worse. I could be a tropical fish in Russia.

- I was given coupons for free burgers from Hardees at work. Fate is a pitiless whore.

- Dinner was vegetables and - as the diet literature put it, "treat yourself to a baked potato..." Thanks, diet. I am treating myself to what constitutes as filler in most meals. Regardless it's good to have a carbohydrate. I feel like I'm done eating for the night. But do you know what really pisses me off? I got disc 6 of the final season of Deadwood from Blockbuster in the mail and do you know what it was? The Special Features! I got to learn how Ian McShane and Timothy Olyphant got into character. Screw you, overpaid clown. I want to see Bullock slap a feeble Deadwood resident and Swearengen curse out a prostitute.

Cleansing or Emaciation... I'll decide

2009-08-31T08:38:00.000-07:00

If you have ever been married you know without exception, at some point you have had to make sacrifices. Hopefully nothing too major, but you have probably given something up because... well to be honest when two people live in close proximity they will either murder each other or learn to compromise. Now by nature, I don't compromise well. For me compromising consists of watching "The Bachelorette" and pointing out to my wife every reason the show is fake and stupid as it happens. Lucky her.

I have been asked to make another compromise this week. That's right - the bachelorette is two hours of whining and complaining and now my wife is going to attempt to live with me "compromising" for 7 full days. Nevertheless, I do want to support her on her ideas that will ultimately benefit our overall well being. Now she recently stumbled upon a "cleansing diet." As I understand it the premise is this: consume tons of fiber and your body will rid itself of any impurities... through your ass.

After reading the diet I can say I see how this works. Eat nothing but fruit and vegetables for a week and your body will be flushed (so to speak). I agreed to do it and will record my findings in this blog for you... the reader. Then you can decide if this is something you want to shame your better half into trying. The basics are as follows:

Day one - Nothing but fruit and the diet soup (broth and vegetables).

Day two - Nothing but vegetables and the diet soup

Day three - Nothing but bananas and skim milk and the diet soup

Day four - I can't remember off the top of my head, but I'm sure it's going to suck

Day five - If I am still alive I will continue to deprive myself of anything good... or something like that

Day six - More self loathing and dreaming of fried food

Day seven - Threats of bitter divorce and bed rest

Those may not all be 100% accurate, but you get the idea. Anyway...

Day 1 - Monday August 31st:

- Breakfast this morning consisted of a "Smoothie." I put the word "smoothie" in quotation marks because the root word "smooth" is misleading. Due to dietary restrictions - my "smoothie" could not contain any dairy products (yogurt, milk, ect.) and therefore consisted of fruit, ice and water. Because it contained no dairy it was roughly the texture of driveway gravel except - you know... wet. I can't say that I'm still hungry so that is a plus, but let's not kid ourselves here - That smoothie could have used some hash browns.

- It's now 11 am. I can't tell if I'm actually hungry or if I just miss my usual lunch sandwich already. I guess I will find out in an hour when I eat my... fruit. 'Cus that's all I get, remember? Thanks for reminding me. No wonder people don't like you.

- Lunch time - You know what is on the menu. I am going to attempt to get full by eating stuff that is made up mostly of water. If I can pull this off, I may reward myself with a nice glass of water. I have to pee.

- Ok, I ate a bowl of fruit that is clearly larger than my stomach, but somehow I am not full. That begs the question, "Just how fast is this stuff digesting?" It is 12:30 now. I'm going to see how long it will be before I'm hungry again.

- 12:58 - Hungry again.

- It's about a half an hour before I leave from work. I managed to make it to lunch without any complications today. Since lunch I think I have eaten a piece of fruit every half hour. I'm not even exaggerating. I brought a comically over sized bag of mixed fruits into to work as a precaution in case I did get really hungry. I am down to one apple. I have peed approximately 75 times today. Tomorrow I am going to have to bring is a bed pan just to get some work done. Even as I type this I am thinking about the apple next to me. I have to save it for the ride home, though. Dinner tonight will consist of soup and if I'm still hungry - more fruit.

- Dinner was two bowls of soup. I am full, but I still feel like I should be eating. I'm going to sleep before I get hungry again. Here is to hoping I don't wet the bed. Tomorrow is all veggies.

Memorial? No Funeral.

2009-07-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

I am going to keep this short and sweet. Mostly because I think so many people have lost their minds over the death Michael Jackson.* And believe me when I say that I think much of Michael Jackson's life and definitely his death are sad. I don't know if he ever did the things he was accused of and all I do know is most of the people that knew him said he was a genuine, but misunderstood guy. He was exactly as talented as everyone held him up to be and no one can deny he was a pop music giant.

That being said, people have gone crazy over this. I watched literally 3 minutes of his "memorial" (which as far as I can tell was a "funeral," not a "memorial" since the body was present). One reason I did not care or watch it was because I knew it would be an absolute circus. The other reason is because of the absolute hypocrisy of all media involved in this along with almost everyone who is now pretending that they have somehow lost a part of themselves.

Here is a guy that put out two perfect albums, a few decent ones and danced better than anyone had before him. But is he supposed to get a mulligan for the last 20 years or so? He has essentially been an absolute freak show that prior to his death EVERYONE was laughing at and/or pitied. He was belittled and mocked worse than anyone on the planet. So now he dies and all of the sudden he is idolized by a bunch of people that would never let their children within 10 feet of the guy and turned him into a punchline. So everyone loved him all along? Really?

Again - I have no idea if he did what he was accused of, but I do know that at best he was an extremely weird and creepy person that behaved inappropriately in just about every possible way with children. He seemed to make every mistake a famous person could possibly make. I'm not happy when anyone dies, but when they do - can someone please tell Al Sharpton this is not an opportunity to get on TV?

I know this wasn't a funny post, but I was just trying to make a point so I'll say this to end:

Q: What do you call Michael Jackson's personal doctor?

A: You don't call him. What do you have - a death wish?

Zing!

* I am saying this from personal experience - I posted a joke on Facebook when Jermain Jackson said he was Michael's backbone that said, "If Jermaine Jackson was my backbone, I'd need painkillers too." It took 2 minutes before someone told me that I should kill myself. Seriously.

2009-06-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

In today's really happy news - Sean Penn has decided to take a break from acting to focus on... looking dumbfounded. I personally thank you, Sean Penn. You are not as good of an actor as everyone says anyway. I don't know who you sold your soul to in order to find success as an actor, but this may entitle you to a refund.

2009-06-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

I was thinking this morning while I was shaving. I was recalling a brilliant manifesto I had previously written regarding a woman's vulnerability to marketing and product perception. No woman in particular - all women. The examples are obvious - purses, wedding dresses, diamonds... it could go on and on. Why do women pay so much for these things (i.e. - get men to pay so much for them)? Is it because these things matter? No. A woman's purse is no more functionally important than a man's wallet. But it cost 6 times as much. Why is a diamond so valuable? Because women want them so bad and men are actually socially obligated to get them for women (rappers probably have something to do with the cost of diamonds too - but not for the purposes of said essay). I believed women were the reason colleges have "Marketing" as a major - along with the fact that stupid people deserve a business degree too (I can say it. I was a marketing major - dumbest classes since driver's ed). Some select quotes from the essay follow:

What about diamonds? These are perfect little examples of percieved value. Marinate on this for a minute. DeBeers is hands down the worlds largest distributor of diamonds. Bar none. There is no competition that even comes close to touching DeBeers. Now women love diamonds. Men love what women are willing to do for diamonds. So men buy diamonds... for women. Here's the rub... DeBeers has 85% of the worlds diamonds mined and locked up in surplus. Why? Because if diamonds aren't rare (which they aren't) they aren't worth dick. What does this really mean? It means that there are more diamonds in the world than topaz. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Women don't even know this about themselves. I read a case study as an undergrad about Arizona Jeans Co. The company was struggling and the V.P. of Marketing (a woman) decided to revamp the entire marketing campaign to target females between the ages of 16-25. A year later the results were in. She slightly missed the mark and managed to target women between 40-50 years old. 20 years off. I know what you are thinking: "So what? So women can't market to women. What does that mean?" Well have you ever snuck up behind Helen Keller? Me neither but I imagine it would be pretty easy.

Consider purses. Women will pay between $400 and $1500 for a piece of leather (purse) that houses another piece of leather (wallet) that holds money. Now I understand fashion... maybe. But consider the purses male-counterpart. No, not the man-bag. I am talking about a wallet. My wallet cost approximately $30 4 years ago. It still holds my debit card, driver's license and cash as well as it did the day I bought it. Now I know that certain high-priced designers have men's accessories such as wallets that run upwards of $300. I don't know people that buy these, but even assuming that people do, consider this. How many men are walking around with Louis Vuitton knock-off wallets? If you guessed 1, you overshot. Now I know at least 10 girls that have knock-off purses. They are so concerned with the image that goes along with carrying those bags that they will carry a purse with the same design, but none of the quality.

Convinced?

Well don't be because during my morning shave I had an epiphany. This is heartbreaking to admit - not only because I may not have thought a previous theory through completely (shocking), but also because as it turns out... men are just as stupid as women.

I know... I just blew your mind. But take a walk with me for a second.

Consider for a moment... if you will just how well marketing works on men too. I missed it before: It is not a matter of whether or not marketing works on both genders. It is a matter of the different gender's preferences. Men fall for it, but just on smaller scaled items.

We will start with the item that began this entire inner monologue:

Shaving "Gel"

Men buy shaving gel. Men buy shaving gel because... I don't know. Is it because the color green is more soothing? Maybe - but I use shaving cream because it is cheaper and I'm not stupid.

"But Dean, how can I be stupid for buying shaving gel that is comes out of the can green and is, therefore, more soothing than shaving cream?"

Because it is only green when it comes out of the container. Once you put it on your face it is the same thing as shaving cream. Take a look...

Shaving Cream

Shaving Gel

Did you see what the green gel turned into when it was applied to a face? CREAM! SHAVING CREAM! THEY ARE THE SAME THING! So why would I pay $2 more for the gel? If you answered - "you wouldn't, Dean - you are too smart for that." - you are correct.

Think that is a fluke? What about AXE body spray?

Here is a board meeting when this product was presented:

"You know deodorant? Well we are going to make it spray from a can."

"That's not a new idea. It's been that way for years."

"Yeah... but we are going to put it in a smaller can. So you have to buy more after you spray it twice."

"That's silly. Why would anyone buy that?"

"Because we will tell men if they cover themselves in it, it will help them get laid. And their stupid so we can charge $5 for a 2 oz can. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"

There you have it. AXE. Less deodorant at twice the cost. And you know you bought it. Hell I still have a bottle in my bathroom at home. And it still gives me a headache when it is sprayed.

Still think you are impervious to this stuff? I ask you to once again consider Under Armour.

I can't recall a product that strokes the male ego more than Under Armour. Ideally this stuff should have been sold in a more niche market. To people that look like this.

So does every guy heading to the gym think he actually looks like that? Why else would anyone pay $50 to look like this? Because men have somehow been convinced that wearing skin-tight compression shorts makes them look like a large, intimidating black man.

"Is that Ray Lewis over there?"

"No that's Carl. He does my accounting."

And it doesn't necessarily have to revolve around price. Some products are so similar in product and price that they have to simply set themselves apart.

What about this insult to male intelligence?

I know you have seen the commercials. The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer is cold. Just so you don't make the mistake and drink a beer that isn't cold. I honestly don't know what people did before the color of a can told them when the beer is cold. I don't know where they even came up with such a fantastic idea. And it is advertised a "technology." I'm not sure if it can be considered "technology when the inspiration was a Hypercolor T-shirt.

Now I don't drink Coors or any variation so I have to resort to less fancy ways of telling if beverages are cold... like feeling it... with my hand. Here watch this: See that? I touched the can. Is it cold? Yes? Ok - it should be good to drink now. What a pain. It's a hard knock life, but at least it's mine.

There you have it. Men are just as gullible as women. Not me. But I have to go now. I am going to put on some Under Armour and go for my daily jog to the mailbox and back. Don't act like you're not impressed neighbors.

The Dangers of Shallow Research

2009-05-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

Now I know I can sometimes come across as obsessed with physical appearance (especially my own). I assume most people realize that I am satirical and merely acting conceited for the sake of a laugh that I inevitably don't get. But I did realize something today. A ground-breaking, Earth-shattering, life-changing realization that can only be described as... ground-breaking, Earth-shattering and life-changing. I was finally given undeniable proof that I am one of the 100 hottest people in the world! I can tell you are as excited as I am.

Now you may be asking yourself just how Nancy Pelosi (side note: spell check recommendations for Pelosi = Plosive, Pelvis, Peloponnese, Pelagic) doesn't have drool running down her chin. The answer? She has assistants that constantly wipe it off for her (because she is retarded, you see).

But you may be saying to yourself, "Dean, how do you know you are one of the hottest 100 people in the world? You haven't seen everyone in the world."

And you are correct. I have rarely left Tennessee. But that is why we have magazines. Maxim compiled a list of the 100 hottest people and I can only assume they did their due diligence prior to publishing such a list. So therefore I can also only assume they did, indeed find the hottest 100 people on the planet. But they must have skipped over my neighborhood. After reviewing, there is no way I'm not at least in the top 20.

So that is the purpose of this essay: To prove that I belong in discussions of the physically elite.

Exhibit A

What is this? This is a picture from the Maxim Hot 100 party... of a field mouse, something that farmers keep on their land to keep the grass from growing too high and Rocky's sidekick.

Now I don't know what number these monsters are, I am guessing somewhere towards 100 - but obviously they did not line up from 1-100 in the buffet line (shhhh... don't anger the one on the right).

Exhibit B

How in the hell does one even go about growing a transparent beard? It looks like he transplanted ass hair onto his face and bleached it. And when did Screeches girlfriend get the Dr Pepper commercials? I swear if I was the CEO of Coca-Cola and you told me about this picture I would snap your neck before you finished the sentence.

Exhibit C

Corn rows on a girl are inexcusable. The only way she would look worse is if you put her in a denim skirt with a belt around it. And maybe some close-toed shoes. And you know the old adage "you can't polish a turd"? This picture comes to mind. What is with all of the make-up? I haven't seen an attempt like this since... well since I let this fuzzy bear-looking thing eat after midnight.

Exhibit D

No. 17 - One spot ahead of Marissa Miller. Can a magazine understand me when I tell it to burn in Hell?

Exhibit E

Look... all personal feelings aside - gross

Exhibit F

Now I realize you may not think that is a bad choice for number 10 on a top 100 list of attractive people. I would not disagree until you consider that this is the same person when she does not have a photo shoot coming up.

Exhibit G (as in GROSS - Zing!)

Maybe I could see it if he wasn't in drag. Youknowwhatimsayin?

Exhibit H

You may be asking yourself who this gem is. This fine thing is your very own number 52

Oh like you didn't know?

Exhibit I

Now I won't disagree that canckles and cigarettes are a dynamite combo. I think it is pretty clear that Lily Allen is on her way to tape her exercise video - set to release when fat people come back in style.

Exhibit J

Hey, who is that beside Cameron Diaz? Is that... Mickey Rourke?

You get the idea. They are ugly. Like... not even the best looking people in your group of friends ugly. I think I have made my point. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I am flawless. Why just the other day I had a hangnail. And those things are gross.

So this is your call to action. Write Maxim magazine and demand they do more thorough research next year. We will not idly sit by and be lied to. If you want our vote we demand the truth! You will never become president by restating empty phrases in different ways over and over again... Wait. What were we talking about?

Obviously Not Miss San Fransisco

2009-04-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

I don't like to take sides (*). I hate to take sides more than I hate to take NyQuil (why does it taste so bad? Can't we do something about that?). But there is something happening right now that I have to address. Something that is so entirely not news worthy it should have never been an afterthought in the mind of anyone... anywhere, yet has become what seems to be the top news story of the past week. I'm not talking about our government giving $30 billion more to the AIG "rescue" (which I will now refer to as the "AIG Prolonged Euthanization / Bend over and pull up your skirt, tax payer")... Not The CFO of Freddie Mac committing suicide after only being on the job since last September (did nothing ever come up about handling pressure situations in his interview?). Nothing about our new President implementing a plan to save the US $100 million (.0005% of this years planned spending deficit? Really? thanks for the insulting reach-around, BO.). Nothing about a war or sports.

Nope... Miss California caused a "scandal" by answering a loaded question honestly. I know, right? You don't care either. Now I don't really know who or what Perez Hilton is, but I'm pretty sure it is gay and I'm almost positive it should not qualify as a "celebrity judge." Nevertheless someone let this talentless monstrosity ask a question to a poor girl that has worked her entire life to look fantastic in a 2 piece (I sympathize because I know the sacrifices it takes to look impeccable in a thong).

So it asked this poor girl her opinion on gay marriage. And her answer was... about as smooth as a herpes outbreak. She states:

"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite. And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."

Now I know what you are about to say. "Dean, your hair looks ridiculous. Why don't you get a hair cut."

But that is beside the point. Focus here. Can you understand the picture I am painting? Hollywood has jumped on board with making fun of this poor girl. HOLLYWOOD! No, not even Hollywood. Those goblins that became famous for no other reason than having rich parents and not wearing panties. They make Sean Penn look smart.

And it's no wonder journalism is in the tank. People blame the internet. Its not the internet. It is the the uninspired morons that contact these people and ask their opinion.

"Hey, Paris... what do you think about Miss California's answer to the question on Gay marriage?"

"People need to be more tolerant. If it weren't for Gay people, no one would have bought my sex tape... Please pay attention to me! Look! I shaved (pulls up skirt)"

What? Too far?

Look... all I'm saying is that George Strait is one smooth talker when it comes to the ladies.

Not only that, but can we all please agree that if you ask someone's opinion on something you can't get mad when they give it to you? It's pretty clear what answer was going to serve Perez Hilton's agenda. And Miss California was expected to give him the only kind of satisfaction she could ever give him.

But she didn't. She answered honestly. And now I can't look at any news outlet without reading or hearing about this "scandal." This isn't a scandal, people. This is a competition that is 90% decided by physical appearance and the ability to not fall down in heels. And then they ask them a question and given the opportunity, one contestant stated what she believed in. And a large percentage of the country agrees with her or it would be legal everywhere. But we don't hear from that percentage. We hear from Kim Kardashian.

The only mistake Miss California made was not understanding that the only people that care about the Miss America pageant are gay men. She should have dodged the question and still not completely abandoned her beliefs and answered like this:

What's up with men anyway? Why can't they spend more than 10 minutes in Target? Amirite, ladies?

She would have received a standing ovation and have the crown right now.

I'm just saying that I'm right... about everything. Even when I contradict myself.

And Perez Hilton is not so much a celebrity judge as an unfunny, untalented, fat eye sore that makes more money than me for reasons I will never understand. How did it even get on TV? That is atrocious. I'm serious. Write your congressman. We demand a Dean be on TV!

U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!!!!!

* I really like to take sides

Kanye Humbled... Still Hated

2009-04-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

There are not too many things I am ashamed to admit. I tend to have outlandish opinions about things and people often disagree with me about these things. Nevertheless I think I make a strong case for my opinions and much like Charles Manson; it all makes sense in my head.

For instance, I am not ashamed to admit that I think french fries are a better side item to a steak than a baked potato. I should probably not admit this. I should probably say something healthy so everyone thinks I am healthy, and therefore better than their tubby self image. But I don't say something healthy. I say french fries. Because they are a gift from God when accompanying a steak. It's the truth. So next time you are at the Sizzler (or wherever your significant other takes you on your special day), and your waiter asks you what side you would like with your "steak" - as you peruse the side items and try to decide between rice pilaf, loaded baked potato or creamed whatever... go with the fries. And do it with pride. Besides, by the time you dump everything in the kitchen on your baked potato to give it flavor, it is 7,000 calories. Man, your eating has gotten out of control... just sayin'.

Another thing I am not ashamed of, but probably should be is the television programming that I enjoy. There are shows that I enjoy that other people (including my wife) find completely ridiculous. I can watch Gangland for hours if I don't have anything to do. I can't explain why, but I really get into the show. I unconditionally love hearing stories of crime organizations, mafia, mobs and gangs torturing and killing each other. It is fascinating. If you don't believe me, log onto your Blockbuster or Netflix account and find The Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Hitman. A guy can have a normal family life and kill over 100 people for the mafia in his spare time. The EXACT same way I can look beautiful after only 2 hours of sleep (ed. note - this may not be the same thing at all, but it is still true).

I also cannot get interested in shows that just about everyone else loves. This mostly applies to comedies. The most notable example of this is Flight of the Concords. Everyone seems to think this show is hilarious. I have never found anything I have seen on that show even remotely funny. We are supposed to laugh because they they have a straight face, huh? Well I refuse to fall in line with people I am convinced are only laughing because they are afraid they aren't getting the joke.

"Hey guys, I have a great new idea for the show! We will wear a funny hat. (uproarious laughter) Yeah, yeah! We will wear funny hats and ride unicorns. (More laughter). Oh, man I'm on a role. Then we will sing. We can sing a song about... about..."

(Someone else chimes in) "A song about... a box! We can pretend we are boxes... HAHAHA!!! But when we do it we will include long pauses and stare at the camera with straight faces. HAHAHA!!!"

I just wrote an episode of Flight of the Concords.

Another show I have never found funny is Southpark. I know it is supposed to be hilarious. The problem I have with Southpark is the reason Sasha Baron Cohen is supposed to be hilarious. Anyone can be funny by saying things people find offensive. It doesn't make you funny. Now believe me... I am not sensitive. I do not feel bad for people that get made fun of and rarely anything offends me personally. But I still don't find it funny to make fun of people in a way that society finds "shocking." I am supposed to think Trey Parker and Matt Stone are funny because they have a cartoon retard farting on their show. Ha! They made fun of retards! Hilariously shocking! Did they really name the black kid Token? Genius!

To sum it up: saying things that other people won't say does not make you funny. It may make people laugh, but it does not make you a funny person. I guess it is a niche that can make somone rich, but it is just not funny to me.

That being said; Southpark did something this week that they should get an Emmy for accomplishing. They absolutely skewered Kanye West. So much so that he apologized for his own Ego. I'll say that again: they made fun of Kanye West until he decided HE was a douche bag (I always thought that was one word, but spell check tells me douche bag is two words. Interesting). Don't get me wrong... what I saw of the episode was not really funny. But apparently it was effective. He wrote on his blog:

"SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER."

"I JUST WANT TO BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM,"

This seems like a backhanded admission of guilt. Like saying, "I'm beautiful, but I don't even realize it." Regardless I applaud his effort in trying to sound like a person I don't want to get run over by a train carrying dynamite.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that a great start to obtaining modesty would be return back to the world of lower case letters.

But is it too late? Will we ever be able to forgive Kanye West for his tantrums at award shows? For claiming he is the voice of our generation? For feeling waaay more relevant than anyone else thinks he is?

I can't. Or I won't. Either way, I am really looking forward to retirement. That will be great, won't it?

Your New Hero

2009-02-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

Clint Eastwood may be many things (old, wrinkly, old)... but he is not a sissy. In fact, he went on the record as saying that we are a "pu$$y generation". I tend to agree with him because... well he might grunt at me if I don't. And this is my last clean pair of boxers. But today he made me the happiest man alive. Clint (that's what I call him) told Der Spiegel magazine (I think that is German for "Barely Legal", but I could be wrong)that people have lost their sense of humor when it comes to race jokes.

Now I know that the sensitive thing to do here is to call him old and out of touch. And to say that he does not understand what it is like to... whatever. The only reason I am not saying that is because I agree with him by a percentage that is so much higher than 100% it has not even been invented yet. Get over it and go back to your tee pee, redskin.

Now I know there are some words that are off limits. I begrudgingly concede that I should not be saying certain words in reference to certain races. But listen - I'm not going to preface my sentences with, "Now I'm not racist. I have black friends." If you have to make it known that you have black friends, you are probably only have one and its because he acts like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I wouldn't say I have as many black friends as Tupac, but I can think of at least 8 white guys I'm friends with that act like Tupac so that has to count for something, right?

As Clint puts it:

'People have lost their sense of humour,' he told Germany's Der Spiegel magazine.

'In former times we constantly made jokes about different races.

'You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth otherwise you will be insulted as a racist.

'I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a "Sam the Jew" or "Jose the Mexican" - but we didn't think anything of it or have a racist
thought.

'It was normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem.

''I don't want to be politically correct. We're all spending too much time and energy trying to be politically correct about everything.'

I wish I could refer to my friends as, "Albert the Chinaman" or "Lucas the Mexican" or "Webbed foot Wes" without people looking at me funny. I deal with Indian people (red dot - not feather) on a daily basis and I will fight anyone that argues against the fact that it is easier to lift up a Buick than to get them to write a check.

I think the fact that the difference of people from different areas/backgrounds/ethnicities is so obvious it becomes almost offensive not to acknowledge it. Like having your grandparents tell you something is "off the hook." Or having me tell anyone they are as good as me at anything.

No one hates political correctness more than me. If I think of something, I just want to say it. I hate censoring myself. I am also not very good at it. Like that time I laughed at the lady who got her hands eaten by monkey on Xanax. Admittedly that wasn't very polite, but come on. Someone gave Xanax to a monkey. Now substitute that woman for a Chinese guy. What if I had said, "Of course the monkey had to keep eating him. Otherwise he would have been hungry in half an hour." Now is it actually racially insensitive to say that Chinese food is mystically un-filling? If so, why? Why would any Chinese person care that the food of their ancestors has a reputation like this? Or maybe my censor just doesn't work and that's why I don't get it.

Maybe I'm just being selfish because I want to say whatever I want. Or maybe it's because I just realized the yogurt I am eating for lunch looks like semen and I'm trying not to think about it, but I think we all need to lighten up. Otherwise - when someone invents a time machine, we aren't going to be able to use it. Because if we go back in time 30 years or more, everyone is going to kick our sissy asses.

Now I don't think anyone should intentionally try to offend anyone. I just don't think pointing out a difference between two groups of people is necessarily offensive.

Let me be the first to say if you would like to make fun of me for being any of the following, feel free:

White
Tall
Unable to jump
A fan of country music
WalMart shopper
100% limited to one dance move
My southern accent
My deep voice
Handsome
Great at everything

Or anything else you can think of, but I think that pretty much sums it up.

A Letter To The Prosecution (From Barry Bond's Testicles)

2009-02-19T12:07:00.000-08:00

Related Story Here - It will only make sense if you read the article. Trust me.

Barry Bond's Testes
"The Sack"
S.F. Giants Office
2/20/09

Dear Assistant District Attorney,

I realize that me and my nutty twin have become a "hot topic" in the on-going allegations of Papa Barry's steroid use. We completely understand that there is a side effect of steroid abuse that correlates directly with us. We still have to respectfully request that you refrain from bringing us into the proverbial "spotlight" as evidence to incriminate our once proud owner.

You see - life has sort of taken a harsh 180 for us over the past decade or so. To be honest, it was never really that great to begin with. I guess there were some good times in the early 90's. Hanging with (and from) a professional athlete definitely has had its advantages. There is nothing more thrilling for a testie than having a high-end Filipino hooker snort rails off of you for $2000 an hour. Heck, there was a time when I would have rivaled Einstein's brain for the world's most respected and envied organ. And if I'm guilty of anything - it's loving that life too much. And you can't really blame me for it. Let's face it- I'm pretty much just along for the ride here.

Now, don't get me wrong - I do accept some responsibility for Barry's actions. I admit that I played an "influential" role in his decision making abilities. But, hey... can you blame me? What else do I really have to look forward to? Had I known what the future would hold, I would have enjoyed myself a little more, laughed a little harder, forgave people that I had been denying, rode a bull and so many other things Tim McGraw made sound so good.

You see it all started to go down hill for us towards the beginning of this decade. Mrs. Bonds was starting to hit the Ben and Jerry's a little harder. Her thighs began to look like two bags of dimes. The money went to her head and she threatened us specifically on numerous occasions. It is said that women age like fine wine. In our experience, they age more like bread. And the women on the side? Well - they were fun at the time, but nothing spells regret quite like itchy rashes and painful discharges. Needless to say - life at home was volatile and life on the road was a veritable Russian roulette of break outs and suppression.

I don't want to sound like a whiner here, but have you ever been crammed in an athletic supporter for three hours a night for 130 games per season? No? I didn't think so. Imagine being blind to the outside world, stuck in a sauna - sweating your scrotum off and praying that the piece of plastic that is separating you from a 100 mph fastball or a catcher's knee is going to do the job it was hired to do. And the smell... ohhhh the smell. Listen, being a testie is overrated. There is really nothing all that great about it. Imagine for a minute if it was considered taboo to scratch your face in public. Yeah - that would suck: well welcome to my world. Or if your arm got stuck to something and you just had to leave it there. God forbid anyone see you peel your arm off of your ribs. You might be accused of fondling yourself.

And now this. Now you want to display and fondle us like two shriveled little Benjamin Buttons; looking like we belong to a 12 yr old despite the fact that we have been on the Earth for 40 years. Please - take pity on us. I get the feeling things are only going to get worse for us from here on out. Now all we have to look forward to is retirement and thanks to the HGH - we will pretty much be dead at that point anyway. It's bad enough that we compare to a hose pipe spout relative to a 3,000 sq ft house.

So we respectfully ask... nay, beg - that you leave us out of this argument. There should be plenty of other evidence here to convict. I don't think I can spend another sleepless night waiting for that knock on the door that calls us to court. I also don't want to have to buy a new suit. My old one is way too big now.

Thank you in advance,

Barry Bond's Testicles, LLC
2/20/09

Pet monkeys - No Laughing Matter

2009-02-17T09:22:00.000-08:00

I'll be the first one to admit that society makes it difficult for extremely attractive people like me to live the same life as ugly people. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me - I am just acknowledging a social issue.

You know what else is difficult for society to deal with? Chimpanzees. Chimpanzees have long been a menace to such things as: Christianity, Bananas, Potheads and Sougourney Weaver's emotions. Some cinematic classics would have you believe these fun-loving, poop-throwing evolutionary links are just like us - but better actors. Nothing could be further from the truth as evident from this article (seriously - read the article).

My favorite excerpt from the article follows:

"The bizarre scene unfolded in Stamford, when Travis suddenly attacked and tore up the face of 55-year-old Charla Nash, who was visiting his owner Sandra Herold Monday night."

You want more details?

"'He bit both of her hands off and the cop told me he just kept eating her (ed. note - CONGO!). It's terrible,' Lynne Mecca, a friend of the victim, told CBS News."

And more still...

"'She retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her longtime pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked,' Conklin said.

Travis ran away and started roaming on Herold's property as police arrived. Officers set up security so that medics could reach the critically injured woman lying on the ground, Conklin said.

But the chimpanzee returned and went after several of the officers, who retreated into their cars, Conklin said. Travis knocked the mirror off a cruiser before opening its door and starting to get in, trapping the officer.

That officer shot the chimpanzee several times, Conklin said."

So to recap - Cops...with guns... ran from monkey and locked themselves in car...

The article also mentions that the chimp was on Xanax because it had become agitated. Then it goes on to say the reason the monkey attacked was unclear. Then I go on to say, "IT'S BECAUSE YOU GAVE XANAX TO A MONKEY!!!!" You know that part at the end of a drug commercial where the micro machine guy rattles off the side effects of the drug really fast? Well this Chimp was either going to get diarrhea, an erection lasting longer than four hours or go ape sh%t (zing!) on someone's face.

The article goes on to explain that Xanax can actually increase anxiety when first introduced to the patient. I looked it up and the medical journals definition of "increase anxiety" happens to be "tear someone's face off" so I don't really see how we can blame the monkey.

But cops ruined the fun like my high school buddies said they always would and killed the chimpanzee... but not before, "The victim suffered "a tremendous loss of blood" from serious facial injuries, according to Conklin." (ed. note - Blood loss from the face!!!!!).

I know this is kind of sad, but just think - at least I'm still undeniably handsome. It could be worse. If anyone needs me, I'll be staring at myself in the mirror.

Mexico Clots Attempt to Give

2009-02-09T06:34:00.000-08:00

This weekend marked the beginning of my crusade to be the world's greatest person. The first step in this process Saturday morning was making sure my hair looked top notch. The second step was to do something selfless to help others (and maybe even hurt me - for an added touch of selflessness). The obvious choice here is to save a little boy from the jaws of a crocodile, but since it looks like I missed my chance - I decided to do the next best thing and donate blood.

My blood type is O negative and referred to as "universal." This is just another in a long line of things that make me a genetic specimen (no wisdom teeth / 20/15 vision / deep, dark and engaging eyes). Now I know from past donations that my blood type is particularly important because it can be used by anyone (anyone that wants a little bourbon in their blood. Am I right fellas? *hi-five!). Anyway, as I soon found out - I should have taken my chances with the crocodile.

Upon my arrival I was asked if I had an appointment... to give blood. I assumed they did not turn people away that are trying to give blood so I was forthcoming and honest when I looked the security guard in the eye and said, "no" (Why does the red cross need a security guard, anyway? Who is trying to case the red cross?). Apparently if you do not have the foresight to make an appointment you have to wait to do your good deed - as the red cross volunteers move like the employees at the DMV.

Eventually I am moved into a cubicle and the cardboard curtain is slammed... or scooted behind me. As I am waiting I realize I am sitting the the larger, more comfortable chair in front of the computer that is certainly reserved for the red cross volunteer and not for some do-gooder that thinks he deserves the big chair. I adjust to the more appropriate seat and start to feel like I am awaiting a meeting with my probation officer. Finally a woman sticks her head around the curtain and says, "Are you the one that had Hodgkins?" to which I reply, "I hope not..." She gives me a confused look and moves to the next cubicle and asked the same question. The man in that cube responds, "yes." It occurs to me that since I could hear his answer, he could probably hear mine. So far my attempt at being a good person has backfired.

A short time later a woman scurries into my cube and takes her seat in the big chair. She asks me my height and weight. I tell her and she gives me the inevitable, "You are tall." I ask if that means they are going to try and take more of my blood. She assures me I will be treated without prejudice.

I glance over her head at a chart on the wall. The chart lists blood types and the types of blood they can use in a transfusion. I swell with pride as I look at O negative. Check marks across the board. Then I notice something worth inquiring about.

"Wait... so if I'm O negative, I can give blood to anyone, but I can only get blood from another O negative person?"

"Yeah"

"Well that sucks."

"Yeah I guess it does."

Despite my administrators poor bedside manner and my own disappointment, I resist the urge to throw a tantrum and leave and proceed with the donation. I'm a real giver. Next step - the prick. Not that kind of prick. the finger prick. Ok not that kind of prick either. You are impossible to talk to sometimes.

So as my volunteer prepares to prick my finger (ed. note - tee hee), She lines her sterile equipment on the desk in front of me. She asks for my middle finger and I give it to her. No I literally flip her the bird. I thought it was funny - she looked at me as if to say - "That's original." I guess I am not the first person to do that.

She proceeds to stick my middle finger with a needle and draw blood. She puts the blood on a disk and sticks it in a machine on the desk. She waits for the results and as they pop up she says, "Oh... hold on a second."

She then gets up and walks out. She comes back with her superior. If you have ever been in a medical facility and someone looks at the results of your test... looks confused... gets up - walks out and returns with their supervisor... it sucks. At this point I have convinced myself that that machine tests life expectancy and they are trying to find a nice way to tell me I have 30 seconds to live.

The supervisor looks at the machine's results and says, "yeah, it's a little high." At this point I can't take any more and just want the bad news. "What's high?" I ask. She replies, "Your iron is a little high. It just means you can't give double red cells. You can still donate." Now I had no intention of donating more than the rest of the population, so this does not concern me.

I don't know what iron does, but it sounds pretty tough. So I ask the next logical question:

"High iron in my blood, huh? Does that mean I'm a super hero?"

"No, it means you are at risk for prostate cancer."

I feel this is an inappropriate time to request an exam so I decide to try and learn more about how this may have happened.

"Do you eat alot of meat?" She asks.

"Look at me, lady. The closest I come to a vegetarian meal is a steak wrapped in bacon with steamed hot dogs."

"Well that's probably how your iron got so high."

She then proceeds to take my blood pressure and tells me that it is good. I ask which is more important, iron or blood pressure. She tells me that blood pressure has to do with my heart so it is more important. I tell her she hurt my prostate's feelings.

Now before anyone donates blood they are subjected to a series of questions that... in all honesty I can't imagine admitting to even if they were true. The administrator leaves the cubicle as the questions are answered on the computer.

Q: Have you had sex with a prostitute in the past year?
A: What's today's date?

Q: Have you taken any illegal drugs intravenously in the past year?
A: Is Crack legal yet?

Ect...

When I am done the administrator walks back into my cube and proceeds to review my answers. As she is reviewing them, she pauses again and asks me if I have been outside of America or Canada in the past year. I already answered this on the test, so I assure her I have been to Mexico. She clicks a button and asks me what city. I tell her Playa del Carmen and she clicks another button. Then she asks if I visited Tulum while I was there. I tell her yes and I have the t-shirt to prove it. Then she drops the bombshell on me.

"You are being deferred until June of this year."

"What do you mean 'deferred'?"

"You can't give blood today. You have to wait until it has been a year since you were at Tulum. Here is a coupon for a free Sonic hamburger for your good intentions."

"Wait - why can't I give blood?"

"Because Tulum is a risk for Malaria."

"Well that wasn't in the brochure... Could that be where I picked up all of my extra iron?"

"Could be... sign here."

I sign a piece of paper that states a understand I cannot give blood. I walk out ashamed, rejected and embarrassed.

So there it is. My attempt at saving a life or two was ransacked by America's beard. Not to mention I went swimming in an underground cave in a place where malaria is as common as refried beans. Thanks, Mexico. Cancer patients all over America thank you too.

She Never Really Had a Chance

2009-02-05T11:10:00.001-08:00

(Insert Asian/Woman driver joke here)

2009 Super Bowl Coverage

2009-02-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

3:30 pm
In a previous essay, I stated I wasn't going to watch this game because Marisa Miller or Journey were not involved. Journey just played a live performance for the pregame. Well not really Journey... Some Filipino guy singing Karaoke with the band Journey. What the hell happened to Steve Perry? Did he get replaced by a villain from a Rush Hour movie?

The point is, when I write something in this blog... it happens. It starting to feel like the plot to an Adam Sandler movie only... you know... good.

5:33 pm
The Steelers offensive lineup is announced. They have Hawaiians on offense too. Maybe it's because I am on my 3rd Tecate, but it occurs to me that the Steelers probably go through tons of Spam.

5:38 pm
The Steelers just scored... in five real time minutes in a drive that resembled a girls jr. high basketball team versus... well, the Steelers.

UPDATE - Wisenhunt challenged the touchdown and won the challenge. Big Ben went down early. Insert motorcycle joke here...

5:50
The Cardinals will punt. After nothing that even resembles an attempt to score. It looks like The Steelers have their offense figured out -> Make Edgerrin James run the ball.

6:00 pm
John Madden is calling this game and has not yet stated anything too obvious. If he stays sober the whole game, the commercials better be good.

6:09
The Steelers scored their first touchdown and the score is 10-0. The only entertaining part of this game has been when my dog growls at a dog in a commercial. So far my dog is more competitive than Kurt Warner.

6:22
TD Cardinals. Kurt Warner trips and almost breaks his hip, but completes a pass to a guy I have never heard of (Ben Patrick??). The Cardinals are full or surprises tonight.

6:30
The Steelers punt to the Cardinals and Breaston returns the punt further than the actual punt. It looks like the Cardinals may go into halftime tied in what has to be the fastest half in football history.

UPDATE - It's 3rd and 22 for the Cardinals and it happened before I typed that last sentence. I haven't seen anyone screw up their chances that fast since Scramble threw up on his prom date.

UPDATE on the UPDATE - Cardinals just punted and it happened in the time I came up with that last joke.

6:42 pm
Carlos Dansby picks off Ben Roethlisberger putting the Cardinals back in Field Goal range. (Spell check recommends the following for Roethlesberger: Breathlessness, Ruthlessness and Worthlessness - All seem accurate after that pass)

6:48 pm
Chester Cheetah is freaking me out...

6:52
Kurt Warner threw an interception on the goal line and James Harrison ran it back 100 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN! The Cardinal's offense tackles like the Volunteers defense... The Cardinal's have munsoned away the tie or lead at half while getting the ball at the beginning of the second half. The look on Kurt Warner's face says, "I wish I was still bagging groceries."

7:05 pm
It's halftime and I think I would really like to play 18 holes with Bob Costas. Golf... 18 holes of golf, you pervert.

7:09
Bruce Springsteen is singing and someone forgot to tell him that he didn't need to wear a mouthpiece. Here are some of his lyrics:
"Gag fe sd say het gre tat bri wit aas sas s ass aaw ad ddad"

7:39
I don't know if I'm hearing things, but I think I just heard a commercial tell me that Denny's is giving everyone in America a free breakfast this Tuesday. Does that count as Tuesday morning at 3am after bars close? Cus' I'll be there...

7:43
Movie preview: The Rock is NOT the most electrifying man in anything...

7:48 pm
Ben Roethlisberger appears to be hard to tackle and Heinz Ward appears to be a teddy bear... seriously. He looks just like a teddy bear. Other than that, the strategy for both teams this half seems to be walk two yards and fall down.

7:52
John Madden is insightful... and more importantly correct tonight. Did someone have a talk with him? Did someone ruin John Madden? I mean... he still looks like hell, but I have been chomping at the bit to tear into the guy's announcing, but he somehow got good. I have yet to find fault. Watching this game has been a waste of my life.

7:54 pm
The Steelers kick a field goal and the (who I believe to be) scariest guy in the NFL gets a personal foul and the Steelers will now get a TD. I hope you don't know where I live, Adrian Wilson, but you are an idiot.

UPDATE - The Steelers settle for a field goal and I settle for another Tecate. Scor = Steelers - 20 Cardinals - 7

8:05 pm
Just watched a Budweiser ad and can't figure out how a horse four generations removed from Scotland would still talk like William Wallace... And to think, I used to want to think up ad campaigns...

8:15 pm
The Steeler's coach, Mike Tomlin looks like Omar Epps on House - Or maybe in Love and Basketball

8:17 pm
The Cardinal's Steve Breaston learns the importance of the fair catch on a Steeler's punt.

8:22 pm
Larry Fitzgerald finally catches another pass (just caught his 3rd while I type this), and I finally see what I came to see. I feel like I'm at a strip club waiting on the one hot girl to go on stage... just kidding.

8:26 pm
Larry Fitzgerald just caught a TD pass by doing what he does best - making everyone else on the field look like the fat kid in elementary school recess. Score = Steelers - 20 Cardinals - 14

8:33 pm
The Steelers just punted with 5 and a half minutes left in the game. Nothing would make me happier than for the Cardinals to score a touchdown after a 5 and a half minute possession. OK, maybe another Tecate would make me happier... but other than that... go Cardinals.

8:41 pm
Penalties and now the Cardinal's punt... more flags. James Harrison personal foul - I just saw it and he is officially a bitch. I'm glad he got the penalty and that is reason 200,897,483 to hate people from Pittsburgh. Can someone test this guy for steroids?

8:43 pm
That was a safety. The Steelers are saved by a bad call. They will still lose because of what James Harrison did. What a whore...

8:46 pm
Safety due to holding in the end zone on the Steelers... I am like Nostradamus. Score = Steelers - 20 Cardinals - 16

8:49 pm
Larry Fitzgerald scores a TD and James Harrison is wishing he wasn't such a stupid worthless bag of dog sh#t. Score = Steelers- 20 Cardinals - 23

9:00 pm
The Steelers are about to score something... I really hope it's not a TD. And it was... Score = Steelers - 27 Cardinals - 23

9:10 pm
I hate the Steelers.

Congrats, America. Your new sweethearts - a bunch of greasy ass*oles from PA.

The (Real) Two Best Movies of 2009

2009-01-27T06:17:00.000-08:00

At some point in your life your parents may have told you that you could be anything you wanted to be when you grew up. I disagree with your mom about that shirt looking nice on you and I disagree with your dad about the Army turning you into a real man. I also disagree with the idea that people can be whatever they want to be when they grow up. I am including myself in this. Believe it or not I too am restricted by certain limitations of character. For instance - I could never be a judge (at least in America). I find it impossible to be fair and impartial and I definitely believe in Texas justice. I think if someone brings a gun into a high school basketball game - the cops should shoot him... dead... like right in his head... many times. Then he is no longer a problem. Get it? That would be my sentence for everything. "What's that, Pacman? You're innocent? Bailiff, shoot this guy in the head."

I have also recently discovered that I am not and could never be - a movie critic. My love for all things cheesy and stupid prohibits me from making rational decisions on how many thumbs (or middle fingers) to give a movie.

For instance - Tombstone - 1 thumb up
Tombstone with Zombies - 2 thumbs up

I cannot expect everyone to take my advice when no one really shares my taste (I still think the Steve Earle song Copperhead Road is awesome - are you ready to go out and buy an album if I told you to?).

However, if you ever take any advice from me - take it on the two best movies of the past year.

1. Gonzo
2. Man on Wire

Let me preface my explanation by saying this - I love documentaries. I rarely read fiction books that aren't written by Chuck Palahniuk. I always read non-fiction books (even the one non-fiction book written by Chuck Palahniuk). I guess I would just prefer to hear a story that actually happened than be forced to use my imagination. Documentaries are some of the only movies that would not benefit from the addition of zombies. If you don't like documentaries, it stands to reason that you may not like these movies either. It also stands to reason that you are a product of an incestuous relationship between your mother and her first cousin. Use your third hand to slap yourself, you freak.

Gonzo:

If you are not entertained by the life of Hunter Thompson check for a pulse... seriously.. I'll wait... find it? Ok, good. Now cut across it with a big sharp knife. No, no put the phone down. Don't call anyone for help. It will all be over soon.

Man on Wire :

No - not the one with Denzel.

This one actually surprised me a little. I didn't really know if I would like it. It is a documentary about a French tightrope walker named Philippe Petit. Are you interested yet? Here is the catch - He walked a tightrope that was strung between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. Read that again - HE WALKED A TIGHTROPE THAT WAS STRUNG BETWEEN THE TWIN TOWERS OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. And not like halfway up either. At the freaking top of the WTC towers!

He was of arrested for the stunt and had to perform some community service. This is only worth mentioning because the documentary shows his arrest report in which he was listed as 5'8" and 135 ponds. I have to assume his testicles were at least 100 pounds of that. While explaining what it was like to walk on a rope between the WTC towers he said the following in a goofy French accent:

"And as I was sitting there I did something people cannot believe. I looked down to see something I would never be able to see again."

He sat down... in the middle of a wire... and looked down 110 stories.

Now this story is about more than a man dragging his enormous steel testicles across a rope that happens to be really high up. Listening to Petit and the team of people that helped him describe the preparation and execution of this stunt is truthfully better than any motivational speaker. The entire stunt was illegal and he had no permission from anyone to attempt it. He literally had to rig the whole thing under the radar and without being noticed by anyone until he was actually on the wire.

At one point Jean-Louis Blondeau (Petit's main counterpart) describes the preparation and the frustration that went along with it but makes one resoundingly clear statement in, "It is not impossible. We are this close. If you want something bad enough, impossible is nothing."

I know, I saw the No Fear shirts that said that too. But this isn't a marketing strategy. This is a group of people that really wanted to do something that is seemingly impossible and accomplished it.

Despite giving me feelings of an unaccomplished life, the movie is really incredible. The pictures and video of Petit crossing the wire (a total of 8 times while taunting police that were standing on top of the towers waiting to arrest him), sitting on the wire and even laying down on the wire are astounding. Even more astounding than this. And before I saw this movie I thought nothing would ever be more astounding than the size of that woman's legs.

Do yourself a favor and watch these two movies. Your choices are basically either that or a Judd Apatow movie. Seems obvious doesn't it?

Oscar (Noun) - An English Word Meaning "BullSh#t"

2009-01-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, I didn't even know the Oscars still exist. I guess they do because MSN informed me a complete list of the nominees came out today. I don't know who is hosting it this year, but I bet he/she will not be funny. And if he/she is funny I bet he/she will say only two funny (but offensive) things about Heath Ledger dying or 9/11 and will get no laughs from the audience. Why are people always scared to laugh at jokes about people dying? The room is filled with the most morally corrupt / entitled group of people on the planet and they are afraid to offended The Joker's baby mama. The point is I have not heard anything about Marisa Miller or Journey being involved so I'm not watching.

I did want to know what movies were nominated, however. I watch more movies than just about anyone I know because blockbuster mails them to me for a flat fee. I have this compulsion with getting my money's worth out of businesses so I am literally forced to watch as many movies as I can so - not to get ripped off. Anyway, I am running out of low-budget horror movies to rent so I am always up for suggestions. I assumed "The Academy" would have some pretty solid recommendations. What I did not take into account was that "the academy" consists of a turtle, an infant and an epileptic, blind monkey. So here is a breakdown of some of the nominees. This list could also be titled "Movies You Could Only Like if Your Other Option Was This Vixen."

BEST DIRECTOR:
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon"
Gus Van Sant, "Milk"
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader"
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire."

I have literally not seen any of these movies so you may think I am not qualified to talk about them. I would, in turn, think you should shut your man pleaser and stop reading now.

David Fincher - The Curious Case of Benjamin Gump - As far as I can tell this is a movie about a guy being born an old man and getting younger every year until he dies as an infant. As interesting as it sounds to see an old man covered in after birth AND an infant dying in the same movie, I'll pass. I have no idea what the stipulations are for being a good director, but in my humble opinion they get too much credit. There is no way a director can make this movie interesting with camera angles and fading out.

Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon - Opie makes more boring movies. If Andy Griffith were alive today (ed. note - I have no idea if Andy Griffith is still alive) I would ask him to slap Ron Howard. Why does he always have to make boring movies. he has made like 600 movies and not one freaking zombie. What does he have against zombies anyway?

Gus Van Sant - Milk - When did Lynard Skynard start making movies about gay guys?

Stephen Daldry - The Reader - A Holocaust Movie? I can't believe I am saying this, but I am starting to feel about the holocaust the same way I feel about bananas foster. It had a huge impact on me the first time I saw the flambe, but now I just want the damn banana (I'm not even sure that made sense). But congrats, S.D. - you made the HOLOCAUST uninteresting! I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen.

Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire - When I heard the title of this movie I thought it was awesome. I really thought I was going to like the movie based on the cool title. Then I saw the movie poster and said to myself - "Hey - that doesn't look like a mafia OR zombie movie."

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Josh Brolin, "Milk"
Robert Downey Jr., "Tropic Thunder";
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Doubt"
Heath Ledger, "The Dark Knight"
Michael Shannon, "Revolutionary Road."

We all know who is going to win here. I guess he was pretty good as The Joker, but lets not forget he died from mixing prescriptions while waiting on a massage. HE WAS ABOUT TO GET A MASSAGE AND OVERDOSED ON PRESCRIPTION PILLS! That is reason enough to avoid referring to him as "a winner." Robert Downey Jr. should be the clear winner here. He loves drugs and he is still able to pull off playing a black guy better than Obama. RDJ:1 HL:0.

Best ACTRESS:
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married"
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling"
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River"
Meryl Streep, "Doubt"
Kate Winslet, "The Reader."

At the risk of sounding like I care - I would probably agree with anyone that says Kate Winslet is one of the best actresses in recent memory. And her uncompromising willingness to disrobe for boring movies is admirable. I think Angelina Jolie is only getting credit for this because she isn't hot in this movie (at least not in the previews). Why are we expected to take an actor or actress seriously because the pretend to be ugly or retarded in movies? I think I speak for everyone when I say stop trying to act like you can be ordinary. People like Angelina Jolie and myself are often pressured to "ugly down" so we don't offend the rest of you. We get it - if you stay out of the sun for a year and cut your hair short - even attractive people can look like Powder. That's no reason to win an award. Actually that pretty much just encourages other attractive actresses to look ugly in movies. That's like encouraginbg Willy Wonka to grow vegetables. Stick to what you know you curly headed creep (that could go to Willy Wonka or Angelina Jolie in The Changling).

BEST ACTOR:
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor"
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon"
Sean Penn, "Milk"
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler."

Mickey Rourke - I want Mickey Rourke to win this because anyone that can get that kind of plastic surgery and not overdose deserves a nice comeback. Not to mention he seems Bat Sh#t crazy and I would really like to youtube his acceptance speech.

Richard Jenkins - I'm kind of a fan on this guy. He has been in some good movies and shows, but he seems more like a journeyman than anything else. He probably should have been nominated for Step Brothers since I have no idea what "The Visitor" is. Could it be a zombie movie? Cus That would change my vote.

Frank Langella - I saw the previews for this and his impression of Richard Nixon resembles Darrell Hammond's impression of Sean Connery on SNL. If he gets an award for this performance than Jim Carrey got snubbed for his portrayal of Ace Ventura.

Sean Penn - I have always hated Sean Penn. He is basically just like Keanu Reeves. Everyone seems to notice that Keanu Reeves only has one dumbfounded look, but no one cares that Sean Penn gets away with it. He is basically Spicolli in every role. If you throw him in a serious setting - he looks confused. Make him a stoner - he looks confused. Gay guy - confused, but with a limp wrist. Give him a retard role - confused and drooling. I feel like Will Ferrell's rant at the end of Zoolander. Mark my words - agree with me or not, Sean Penn is not a good actor.

Brad Pitt - See also: Angelina Jolie in The Changling

BEST PICTURE:
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
"Frost/Nixon"
"Milk"
"The Reader"
"Slumdog Millionaire."

Not one zombie...

These movies literally looked so bad I was recently trying to find a movie to go to and stayed home instead. The only movie I want to see (The Wrestler) is not even playing in my state. How is it that the boring abortions are always in every theater and the movies that actually look good are in "limited release?"

TCCOBB - Didn't the Wayan's Bros. already make this movie?

Frost/Nixon - A movie about an interview. That seems like a song about a poem.

Milk - Rewarding these kinds of movies with Oscars will only encourage more movies like this to be made. Gay is the new cinematic retarded. I don't have anything against it, but a movie about clipping finger nails would be more entertaining.

The Reader - Nazis? This movie needs Nazi zombies

Slumdog Millionaire - I can't tell you how disappointed I am that this movie even got made.

There they are. Your 2009 Oscar nominations. If anyone needs me I will be swinging by my neck from a belt in my closet.

Godspeed, people who still want to make entertaining movies. Godspeed.

"Super" May Be Overstating It.

2009-01-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

It takes a big man to admit when he was wrong. I wouldn't know, but that is what I have heard. I am, however, dumbfounded by the outcome of Sunday's early game which pitted the Philadelphia Eagles against the Arizona Cardinals. I don't understand how Arizona can keep winning. And they play really well and look like a good team doing it. It helps that Donovan Mcnabb turns the ball over alot, but in his defense (the only time I will come to his defense), if I saw Adrian Wilson coming off the corner, I would probably wet myself and drop the ball too. That guy is scary. Like... really scary. I think if he fought a gorilla, it would go the distance. Gorilla's don't give up easily.

The truth is, I actually like watching the Cardinals play. They are fun to watch and Larry Fitzgerald just might be the most electrifying man in sports entertainment (a title previously self applied by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). I think the best way to describe Fitzgerald's game is "Awesomely Awesome." He catches everything and then outruns everyone on the field. He is like TO or Ocho Cinco, but at the same time NOTHING like TO or Ocho Cinco in that his team wins and everyone seems to like him.

I can't wrap my mind around my feelings toward the Cardinals. Its like the logical side of my mind looks at them and laughs, but then when I watch them play I am entertained. It's like listening to Oasis. I have never wanted to not like a band so badly. But the music... it's just plain good.

The second (yawn) game on Sunday was the Pittsburgh Stillers against the Baltimore Ravens. This game went exactly how you would expect. Two good defenses and one boring offense with one terrible offense. Boring won, but you know who lost? America. America loses when the Steelers win. The Steelers defense is pretty impressive, but like the Cardinals, they had help. Joe Flacco's QB rating reads like the grade on an undiagnosed dyslexics English paper. The rookie stunned onlookers by going 13-30 with 141 yds passing - 0 TDs and 3 INTs. Elmer Fudd could give Joe Flacco advise on accuracy.

It's no secret - This Super bowl is going to suck. I will be cheering for the Cardinals, but they will need a miracle to get past the Stiller's defense. And then we will have to endure Steeler fans. They are the Cousin Eddie of NFL fans. The only people I hate to see have success more than Steeler fans are child molesters... and they are a close second. And then maybe we can put this season the rest and I will forget about this whole experience by the time the next season comes around.

Now onto something closer to my heart. We all know by now that Mike Tyson is the most devastating villian in a video game ever. Apparently I have done something right because now he can add documentary to his resume! The thought of this documentary makes me giddy. And it's not one of those documentaries where the director talks to everyone except the person the documentary is about... I hate when they do that. In this one, the director actually talk to Mike Tyson! And Mike Tyson talks back! Oh, man I can't wait for this. If anyone is planning on getting me a gift anytime soon - this is what I want. If given a choice between ths documentary and the wisdom of Soloman, I would really have to think about it. MTV was nice enough to provide a clip of the documentary and I don't want to spoil it, but in the clip he talks about meeting his first trainer. His initial reaction is beyond priceless. I'm not kidding. I am so excited about this movie.

If the link above didn't work, here it is - watch it, trust me:
http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2009/01/15/james-tobacks-tyson-documentary-debuts-at-sundance-get-your-first-look-here/

Another Day on the Job

2009-01-14T09:59:00.000-08:00

To be honest - I have a real job. In the daily occurrences of said job I deal with the same people and the same problems day in and day out. Now I like my job, but as an office we all consider ourselves "dream crushers." People come to us daily with a perception of what they want and we, in turn, pee on their perception and give them a dose of reality. That being said - I brake up the monotony of dream crushing through (at least what I find entertaining) emails and phone calls. I recently emailed a question to a colleague and did not really expect a detailed response. It was more or less just for my own amusement. Her response, however should not, nay cannot be bottled up. It must be shared like wisdom and... herpes.

My question to her:

"If you could have any animal on Earth as a pet, what would it be? The pet would be house broken and trained.

A shark would obey you and never attack you. A monkey wouldn’t throw stuff at you. A badger wouldn’t bite you, ect…

Money, space and other limitations would not be an issue (meaning if you needed a huge saltwater tank like at sea world, you would have one).

It can literally be any animal extinct or still thriving. From dinosaurs to puppies.

What would it be and why?"

Her Response:

"Are you serious? Obviously a monkey!! Not a large one, just a regular sized monkey that came up to my hip. He could wear clothes and I would learn sign language. He would amuse me the entire time I was at my house....and get stuff for me like a servant b/c they have opposable thumbs. He would have this own bedroom and bathroom. He would be like the coolest roommate ever. I could even teach him to clean my entire house and have dinner ready when I got home from work. I love opposable thumbs.

What about you?"

I have not yet responded...

08-09 Suckfest - The NFL

2009-01-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

I am getting the distinct feeling that the NFL wants no one to watch the Super Bowl. There are now only four teams remaining and I cannot think of four teams I have less interest in watching play football. There is literally NO reason to tune in to anymore football this season. So let's brake it down in case you disagree with me (yeah, right).

Team 1 - The Arizona Cardinals
The Arizona cardinals are the Atlanta Hawks of the NFL. It's like they forgot where they came from and decided to abandon their role as the only team expected to rival Detroit for the taint of the NFL. Wasted draft picks - check. Awful location - check. History of sucking - check. So where does Larry Fitzgerald get off living up to his hype? Can he not learn anything from Matt Leinart? The only thing worse than getting beat out by an old man for your starting position is getting beat out by an old man for your starting position and then completely losing your mind. This will not stand. 9-7 in the regular season and now they are one win away from the Super Bowl. The only thing that makes less sense than this is P. Diddy's reason for voting for Obama.

I think I speak for all of America when I say, "Hey, Cardinals. Get off your high horse. If we wanted you to be winners, we would have moved the team East."

Team 2 - The Philadelphia Eagles
Donovan Mcnabb is the reason I wish failure on people. I don't know why, but I just hate the guy. I don't really have any reason to other than he sucks and Jason Whitlock likes him. I guess that is reason enough. That and his chunky soup commercials. I don't really have anything against he Eagles except for Donovan Mcnabb. And I guess their fans supposedly suck, but I don't know any of their fans. They get a pass because I would be pissed too if I was forced to cheer for... look I don't want to beat a dad horse here. I just don't like him.

Speaking of beating dead horses, how 'bout those Broncos? Ok, I know their season has been over for a while, but I had to find something to say about beating dead horses.

I just thought of another reason to hate Philadelphia - Cheez Whiz. They put Cheez Whiz on "steak." Can you imagine sitting in a bar in philly when the Eagles score? The smell of onions and Cheez Whiz in the air. Grease running down all of the multiple chins on fat Philadelphians (just a side note - spell check recommends flatulence for Philadelphians... coincidence?) . Slippery high fives and big haired waitresses with hoop earrings serving up shats a' wyld turkey.

The long of the short? Philadelphia is gross and shouldn't still be playing.

Team 3 - The Pittsburgh Steelers
If there is a more heart-warming success story than Ben Ringledicker, I'd like to know it.

Man play college football at Miami, but not the good one.
Man gets drafted into the NFL and becomes youngest quarterback to win the Super Bowl
Man gets temporary permit and rides motorcycle without helmet
Man wrecks said motorcycle and almost dies
Man could play in this year's Super Bowl

If you need an argument against Natural Selection - See Big Ben.

And just a little about Stillers fans:

They say "Yunz" (you ones)
They don't shower *
They migrate south, but will always remind you of how great things are in up in Pittsburgh
They hate jews *
They think they are going to win the Super Bowl EVERY YEAR
They have huge chins

(*source needed)

If The Stillers win and the Eagles win, it will be an all-PA Super Bowl. This may actually be a good thing if the Gov't was looking for a place to test bombs.

Team 4 - The Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens literally suck and are only still in the playoffs because Tennessee is better at forcing their opponent to win than Baltimore. I have never seen two teams fight over losing like I saw in that game. Who do the Ravens have on their offense? A rookie from Delaware that is playing way beyond his means by not urinating on himself and an old wide receiver that used to be good at Tennessee. They have no way to score. All they can hope for is good field position and the wind to be at Matt Stover's back.

And I know they have a good defense. I know Ray Lewis is good. But, hey. OJ was good too. But if you kill someone, Karma is coming back like Mick Dundee's Boomerang. And who really cares about defense? I have to go with Jean Claude Van Damme here when he argued with Dennis Rodman in Double Team

JCVD: "Offense gets the glory"

DR: "But Defense wins the game"

Offense should get the glory. Did Ted McGinley play defense in The Nerds movies? Of course not. He scored on the field so he scored off the field. It's that simple. Am I right, Ladies? You know who you are. And who are you going to take advice from? Dennis Rodman or Jean Caude Van Damme?

That's what I thought.

To sum up:

Arizona Cardinals - Blah
Philadelphia Eagles - Fart Noise
Pittsburgh Steelers - Yawn
Baltimore Ravens - Gun Shots

Thank you 08-09 season. I will never get the time I spent watching you back.

My Predictions, you ask?

An all PA Super Bowl in which the Steelers bring it home. And we can all move on to better sports on TV.

2009-01-09T06:17:00.001-08:00

It looks like someone is listening... The Finger wants to know what happened to Ralph Macchio. The Finger gets his answer today:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478125,00.html

A Few of Life's (other) Certainties

2009-01-06T10:28:00.000-08:00

Death and Taxes... Those seems to be the only two certainties people acknowledge anymore. Everything else seems to be up for discussion. Is Bret Favre too old to play football? Are Toaster Strudels better than Pop Tarts? Does anyone understand anything in Japanese pop culture? Well get ready to have your mind blown because I am going to give you a few more certainties. A few things that you can bank on in a world where nothing is certain except for repeat offenders and the absolute destruction that follows a night of Bacardi. As always, there is no need to thank me.

Certainty 1: If I am in a grocery line... it will be the slowest in the store

I don't know why this is the case. I must have been a real bung hole in a past life. I cannot get through a check-out line in less than 15 minutes. I can turn an express lane into the tobacco lane. I can get behind someone with 14 items in their cart and not only will they have 14 coupons, but the barcode on 12 items will not scan. Oh, and out of the 75 jars of Mayonaise, the lady had to grab the one that rings up as a Cadilliac. And she is always... always going to try and pay with the change she found in her couch cushion, realize she is $0.32 short and decide to write a check.

Why does anyone write checks, anyway? If you aren't making a car payment don't write a heck. Instead, just turn to me standing behind you and explain that your time is way more important than mine. Then you can still make your point and I can get home before I pee in my pants.

It is this reason that I hate Wal Mart. People are always talking about Walmart being an evil corporation. "Wal Mart sets their prices too low and drives independent stores out of business. They are evil. They set the costs for their suppliers. WHAAAH!"

Listen, that is called economies of scale and perfectly legal. In fact, it's just good business. Suppliers need their product in Wal Mart so Wal Mart has the advantage. Deal with it, liberals. Viva la Capitalism!

I do hate Wal Mart though. I hate Wal Mart because the entire front of the store is covered... literally from one end to the other with check out lanes. So why... WHY do they only have four cashiers working? Has anyone ever been to a Wal Mart where 50% of the lanes are open? 25%? Of course you haven't. Because that would get me through the line and the universe would implode. So while I'm stuck behind Lulu counting her pennies the rest of the Wal Mart cashier staff can sit on the wall beside the entrance and smoke on "break."

God forbid the guy handing out carts come push a few register buttons. That's not in his job description. He has to guard the photos of the children that have been missing for eleven years. AND THAT COMPUTER ENHANCED PHOTO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE WHAT THAT INFANT WOULD LOOK LIKE AS A TEENAGER! How did I even end up on this tangent? And don't even get me started on the U-Scan lanes. Every item I scan I hear, "Please wait for cashier." If I wanted to wait on a cashier, I would have stood behind Lulu!

Certainty 2: Basketball is the best sport on Earth

Now I know what you are thinking: "I hate it when I have to pay extra for ranch dressing with my chicken wings." But you may also be thinking that football is the best sport. You may also be wrong.

Now I have nothing against football. I actually love football. I love tailgating and going to games. I watch as much as I can on TV. But college sports are inherenltly better than professional sports. Mostly because the players have not yet been arrested and let off of the hook (at least that is the way it used to be). College football is just more exciting than the NFL because of the people in the stands.

The professional organizations have killed the football fan. They have inflated ticket prices and built small shopping centers in the arena. $8 beers and $12 pretzels keep the loyal fans from staying drunk and obnoxious in the forth quarter. The only people that can afford to go to games and have a good time can't tailgate and watch a whole game without a nap.

A large portion of college stadiums, on the other hand are filled with college students. College students can tailgate for 4 hours before a 10am game. And in the majority of college stadiums there is no alcohol... served. This means that guys are left up to their own devices to get alcohol into the stadiums. The need to do this so they can :

A: Stay drunk during the 4 hours they are at the stadium

and

B: Have it on hand in case a girl near by needs to stay drunk enough to make some bad decisions after the game.

This is a recipe for a great football atmosphere. Every decent team every year is expected to win a BCS Bowl and when the team loses it's third game the entire student section turns on the them. The way God intended it. There is one major flaw in college football though. I'm not going to mention it because it should be obvious. I'll give you a hint: it is three letters and it rhymes with "so who is the best team?"

Football has an immediate disqualification because OSU can play for a national championship. Suck it football fans.

Now you may also be thinking to yourself that baseball is the best game in the world. I would like to remind you that a gun is the most effective way to kill yourself.

You could make a case for golf, but it loses mostly because they only put good players in tournaments. Personally I think if you want ratings you should put me on TV playing golf on a Sunday afternoon. The cost to run a commercial would rival the Super Bowl within 3 weeks.

Basketball wins because its awesome... and by default... and because of Dwight Howard

Certainty 3: Mike Tyson is the most destructive video game bad guy in history

1 punch? Really, Nintendo people? That's just crazy. And why is he a bad guy in his own video game? It's called Mike Tyson's Punch-Out and Mike Tyson is the enemy at the end of the game. Let me take you on a little journey to the converstaion that took place between Mike Tyson and the game developer:

Game developer: "Mike, we want to make a boxing video game where you work your way up the ranks and weight classes from amatuer boxer to heavyweight champion."

Mike Tyson: "But I already is the champ."

GD: "No I know. but the only other option would be have someone else fight you for the heavyweight championship. And it's your game so we wanted you to be the protagonist."

MT: "I don't know nothin' about no protons, but I already is the champ."

GD: "So you want to be the bad guy in your own video game? I guess we could just make you almost impossible to beat."

MT: "I want a samich!"

GD: "Can we get him a sandwich? he has that look in his eye again..."

The road to Mike Tyson is paved with overweight guys, french guys and guys that have never been trained not to expose a weakness. It's pretty much a cake walk. And your reward? Fight a guy that will kill you with one punch. Thanks, Nintendo. Now I have to go back and fight Bald Bull for the fourth time.

Certainty 4: John Candy > Chris Farley

This is not up for discussion. John Candy was a far better actor than Chris Farley and made better movies than Chris Farley. I thought Tommy Boy was funny too, but it is nothing compared to Uncle Buck. And Black Sheep couldn't hold a candle to The Great Outdoors. And that explorer movie with the guy from friends sucked compared to Canadian Bacon.

And let's not forget the holy grail of John Candy movies: Who's Harry Crumb?

Who's Harry Crumb? might top my list of all time favorite movies. If you have never seen it, shame on you. Shame on you straight to Hades. Run to your computer and put it in your Blockbuster Queue. Then after you watch it we can quote it and stuff. And all of the losers that didn't take this advise will be left out. Ha! Losers.

I know John Candy was Canadian and this may make me un-American. But there is just no denying it. I don't really think Mike Myers is that funny and he is Canadian. I think Louis CK is funny and as far as I know, he is American. ALL of these men pale in comparison to the comedic bright light that is John Candy.

On top of all that, John Candy died the way a fat man should die - of a heart attack. None of this silly overdose crap. Unless you consider a heart attack an overdose of clogged arteries. Then I guess I can't make that point. But still, Ween never dedicated an album to Chris Farley. RIP John Candy.

Certainty 5: Ralph Macchio should still be making movies

He was good The Outsiders. He was good in Karate Kid. He was good in My Cousin Vinny. So he must have either wanted to quit acting or he has the worst agent in history. Can I get another Ralph Macchio movie please?

Reasons to be Alive in 2009

2009-01-02T08:47:00.001-08:00

I typically do not like New Year's resolutions... mostly because I have to listen to you lie about melting away those "holiday pounds" (i.e. -the 45 pounds of booze you have put on since H.S.). But take the gun out of your mouth. You will never get back into those jeans again, but I'm here for you and if I can believe it, I can achieve it so I am going to set a goal that I will accomplish and you can live vicariously through me. That should make you feel better about the fact that you haven't done anything with your life, right? However due to my potential, limiting myself to one goal would be like Michelangelo limiting himself to water colors. I will therefore list no less than 5 goals for 2009. I will not prioritize my goals as I don't want to hurt any of my goal's feelings. Like when you came in last in that relay race in third grade field day, but you still got a ribbon. Nice work. You participated... poorly.

Goal 1: Record at least 1 thunderous blocked shot playing pick up basketball

This is what I miss most about competitive basketball. Not dunks, not threes, not buzzer beaters, not steals... THUNDEROUS BLOCKS!

The first step in achieving this goal is to decide how I will define "thunderous blocked shot." I have decided the criteria for this will be the following:

1. The block will have to be on a lay-up - Blocked jump shots are nice. They can never be thunderous, however because the shooter will see it coming. The shooter will see me in front of him and will therefore, not be surprised when I treat his jump shot like Michael Vick treats pit bulls. Also I close out so not to get beat baseline. I'm not giving up my fundamentals for some silly resolution. But there is nothing better in the sport of basketball than the look on a man's face when the proverbial rug is pulled out from under his uncontested layup .

2. The ball must land out of bounds - If you can't block a shot with enough force to send it into the stands, you didn't swing momentum. If you didn't swing momentum, you might as well have let him score and kicked a puppy.

3. At least two people must shout "Ooooooohhhh!" when I block it. Don't kid yourself - It is only thunderous if your peers acknowledge it is thunderous. Kind of like when Lucas played pick-up and he would call a foul every time he didn't score. But as his peers - we never acknowledged they were fouls so he was basically cheating. To uphold the integrity of the game we gave him the ball back because that is what you do when someone calls a foul, but I like to think he had trouble sleeping at night knowing everyone else knew he just dribbled off his foot and no one touched him.

Why only 1 thunderous block, you ask? Let's just say much like Hugh Hefner, I'm not the player I used to be.

Goal 2: Totally confuse someone

I have not yet decided how I will do this. I do know I will have to do something to someone that would seemingly make perfect sense, but in reality would make no sense at all. I can't give away too many details but I think this will be some sort of prank/practical joke on someone I have never met before, but with whom I share a mutual friend. This will allow me access to personal details about said prankee's life, but the prankee will have no idea who I am.

This goal will take careful planning and precision, but if achieved - will be a monumental victory securing my place in the Awesome Person Hall of Fame. The art of purposely leaving someone completely and utterly baffled is a craft that I will perfect in 2009. I'm not saying I want to drive anyone to suicide, but at least make someone second guess their own sanity.

I also will never reveal the plot to my target. This will assure me that they will go to their grave wondering what in hades happened back in 2009.

Goal 3: I will learn how to type "Thanks" consistently

I am not in any danger of winning any typing contests, but I should at least be able to type the word "thanks." Like just then, I originally typed "thakns." I don't know why, but I end every email with some form of the word "thanks" that isn't actually "thanks." some common variations of the word are as follows:

Thnaks

Tahnks

Thasnk

Thansk

Tahkns

I breakout into a cold sweat when I get to the end of an email. I truly suck at typing anyway as I only use my index fingers. Now I know you are thinking something like, "That's funny. You can only type with two fingers." To which I would reply, "Two fingers was plenty for your mother." And then we would have a good laugh because I don't really have anything against your mother.

Anyway, I don't think there is any word I type more consistently wrong that the word "thanks." It is at the bottom of every email I send, yet I still mess it up at least 98% of the time. That is all I am going to say about this because it has taken me 30 minutes to write this goal. I have literally had to fix the word "thanks" every time I typed it.

Goal 4: Watch every movie ever made with the word "Zombie" in the title

I love low-budget cheesy horror movies. Mostly because there is no mistaking the movies intentions. There is no bigger waste of time than watching a terrible movie that was supposed to be good. Did anyone walk away from Atonement or Memoirs of a Geisha and say, "Now that is how you spend two and a half hours and $10. If you are like me you said, "Can we just pull my toenails out next time?"

In my experience, most movies that are supposed to be blockbusters suck. And most movies that are supposed to be funny are made by Judd Apatow and most movies that are supposed to make you think just make you think about why you watch movies.

Not cheesy horror movies though. They are exactly what they are supposed to be. Tons of unrealistic bloodshed, campy one liners, recognizable (but not famous) actors that are merely working for the paycheck - not to make a statement. And most importantly they are full of laughs. I don't care if it is intentional or not. Grizzly Man (the documentary - not the horror movie) was hilarious, but was supposed to merely tell the story of a guy that lived with bears... and was eventually eaten by a bear.

Zombie movies are probably the best example of the cheesy horror movie genre. What's not to like about a zombie movie? Unless you find yourself in one and you are black (that's not racist. click the link... it's just fact).

Goal 5: Bring back wiffle ball

Why did we ever stop playing wiffle ball? It's an exciting version of baseball, but you can throw the ball at the base runner. And you don't have to worry about the pitcher bouncing the ball like in kickball. It just makes sense that everyone start playing it again. When have I ever been wrong?

So there they are... my goals for 2009. You will, of course be updated on these as I accomplish these goals. You're welcome.

2008-12-29T06:30:00.001-08:00

How about January 1st? Yeah, that's a good date to start this thing.

2008-12-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

Site Set to Re-Launch on 12/26. It has been delayed because I wanted it to be delayed.

2008-12-19T14:44:00.000-08:00

Site set to launch - 12-21-08